Elaine let out the breath she had been holding, thankful that Dr. Cook wasn’t going to push her on the issue. “Okay,” she said in acquiescence. “Thank you for seeing me, Helen.”
“Of course,” Dr. Cook said as Elaine stood and made her way to the door. “I’ll see you Thursday.”
Elaine inclined her head in a nod as she slowly shut the door behind her.
*
Elaine drove around for two hours after leaving Dr. Cook’s office. The session had made her nostalgic about her past, and she had been reminiscing about her relationship with Chacey. The memories made her feel lonely and disconnected, and she longed for the life she had given up years ago. As she pulled to the front of the lodge, she saw Christian and Hannah standing on the landing watching her approach. Although anxious at the prospect of explaining her recent withdrawal, Elaine was happy to see them. She was deeply comforted that someone had missed her and was waiting to welcome her home.
Hannah was the first to step forward. She opened the car door and assisted Elaine from the car. As she took the keys to drive the car to the parking area, she whispered in Elaine’s ear, “She’s been worried about you. She’s checked in on you every day for the past week.”
“Thank you,” Elaine said, drawing in a deep breath and turning to face Christian.
Christian didn’t wait for explanations. As soon as Elaine stepped forward closing the distance between them, Christian put her arms around her shoulders and hugged her. “I’ve missed you,” Christian said.
Elaine’s resolve melted away as she felt Christian’s arms close around her, holding her. Slowly, she wrapped her own arms around Christian’s waist and hugged her back. “I’m sorry. I’ve missed you too.”
Christian took Elaine’s face in both hands and peered into her eyes. “You look tired.” Christian brushed her thumb along the ridge of Elaine’s cheekbone. Elaine knew she was tracing the dark circles that shaded her eyes. “Have you eaten anything today?” Christian asked.
Elaine was grateful for Christian’s nurturing and smiled, the warmth of Christian’s touch filling her. She had been alone and denied her need for connection with others for so long that she was now overwhelmed with relief and tenderness for this woman who insisted on being her friend. “No.”
“Well then, let’s go see what we can do about that.” Christian slid her hand down Elaine’s shoulder, took her hand, and led her to the patio.
They dined on a fruit-and-cheese plate while drinking mimosas. The conversation was light and playful, despite the questions that lingered. Elaine knew Christian would want to talk about her absence, and she tried to ready her explanations. But, to her surprise, Christian didn’t pry. She just sat with her and ate with her. Yet Elaine knew the time had come for her to tell Christian the truth. She needed to tell her. The thought of explaining her past was terrifying, but she was tired of carrying this secret, and she trusted Christian.
After lunch they made their way back to their secret garden. Christian wrapped an arm through Elaine’s and pulled her close as they walked. They finally settled onto a small cushioned bench, tucked peacefully into a corner just in sight of the fountain. The smell of the roses was sweet, and the fragrance washed over them on the breeze.
Christian spoke first. “Did I do something to upset you, Elaine? Is that why you’ve avoided me all week?”
Elaine heard the hurt in Christian’s voice. “No. You’ve been wonderful. I just needed some time to work through some things.”
“What things?” Christian’s voice was still and hesitant. Elaine could hear fear lingering on her words like a shadow. Elaine could see no way around this except the truth. Her hands began to tremble as she tried to put the pain and fear of years into words. Christian had been a friend to her. Someone she trusted. Now she had to trust her with her truth.
“A few years ago, I was shot while working at my office. I never have been able to recall the face of the person who did it, and the police have been unable to solve the crime. I have these nightmares that make it difficult for me to sleep. The fear that this person might come after me again is paralyzing. I have shut everyone I love out of my life for the past three years, trying to protect them.”
Christian laid her hand on Elaine’s. Her touch was warm and comforting and encouraged Elaine to continue. “The time I’ve spent with you these past few weeks has been the closest I’ve been to anyone in all that time. I got scared. I don’t want anyone to hurt you, so I did what I always do—I ran away.”
Christian’s eyes were tender when she spoke. “No one is going to hurt me. No one is going to hurt you. We’re safe here, Elaine. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. I can see why you would be afraid, but I won’t leave you.”
“Thank you,” Elaine whispered as she squeezed Christian’s fingers. “That’s why I continue to come to Willow Springs each year. When the fear becomes too much for me to bear, I come here, where I feel safe.”
“You must get terribly lonely. You said you pushed everyone you cared for away. Who did you push away?”
Elaine hadn’t expected this question. She tried to push back the pain she had denied for so long. “There was a woman in my life then. She was everything to me. But, after the shooting, I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone harming her. So I sent her away. I couldn’t risk…” Her voice trailed off in a choked whisper.
Christian moved closer and wrapped her arms around Elaine, holding her tightly. All of Elaine’s defenses shattered in that instant as she embraced the tenderness. A flood of emotions began to poor out, through a stream of tears that streaked her cheeks.
Christian stroked Elaine’s hair and held her as she cried. “I’m here,” she whispered. “I’m here.”
After a few moments, when the tears had stopped, Elaine turned and curled her body into Christian, allowing herself to be held and needing to feel Christian’s gentle touch and warmth. She felt oddly peaceful after telling her story and allowing herself to cry. She’d turned a corner. She couldn’t pretend she didn’t need people anymore, and she knew she had to start being honest with herself if she was ever going to get her life back. She would push forward with the hypnotherapy. Accepting that she did not have to be alone, she was ready to face her fears. “Thank you,” Elaine said as she pushed her arm behind Christian, wrapping it around her thin waist.
In return she felt Christian’s arms tighten around her.
*
Christian left Elaine shortly after dinner and retired to her room after Elaine reassured her she was okay and was going to bed early. She thought of all the pain Elaine had endured alone and the sacrifices she had made to protect those she loved. She thought of her own life and how she had spent the last year pushing her friends away and shutting herself off from the world. She was protecting no one, and she realized she had been selfish in her grief.
Hours passed, and Christian lay on her bed, drifting somewhere between waking and sleep. Her restlessness was like a thorn slowly grating and digging into her consciousness, making her toss uncomfortably from side to side. An open bottle of Merlot sat on the table beside the bed. She had hoped a glass of wine would help her sleep but had found the thoughts swirling around in her head too unruly to allow her to rest. A faint tapping came from somewhere, pulling her from her stupor. She listened for a moment, her brow furrowed. There it was again. She swung her legs to the side of the bed, crossed the room to the door, and opened it to find Elaine standing awkwardly in front of her.
Elaine looked stricken and afraid. “Can I come in?” Her voice was low and rough.
Without thinking twice, Christian took Elaine’s arm and pulled her inside. “Of course. Are you all right?”
“I couldn’t sleep. I just can’t bear to be alone. I’m sorry if I woke you.”
“No,” Christian soothed. “I was pretty much awake. Can I get you a glass of wine or something?”
“No. I just…well, I don’t really know what I’m doing here. I just couldn’t b
e alone.”
“You can stay here with me. It’s all right. Come on,” she said as she pulled Elaine farther into the room toward the bed. She pulled back the covers and turned to Elaine. “Lie down. You can sleep here tonight. It’ll be like the day in the garden. You’re safe. I’ll watch over you.”
Elaine looked stricken. She stared at Christian and didn’t move.
Christian took her hand and guided her to sit on the bed, then gently placed her hands on Elaine’s shoulders, encouraging her to recline.
Christian pointed to the lazy chair by the balcony door. “I’ll be over there if you need anything.”
“Thank you,” Elaine whispered.
Christian watched her struggle in her sleep, her body shaking occasionally as if she were running or struggling with something. Eventually, Elaine’s breathing calmed, but she whimpered softly from time to time. Her body stilled, and Christian hoped she had chased away the nightmares.
Chapter Ten
The next morning, Christian awoke early, her body stiff from her night of sleep in the lazy chair. She had watched Elaine until she was certain she was sleeping peacefully before finally allowing herself to drift off. Elaine awoke shortly after Christian and returned to her room after thanking Christian for staying with her through the night.
Christian decided to take out one of the kayaks and spend some time gathering her own thoughts about what she had learned and experienced over the past few weeks. She was troubled by what she now knew about Elaine, but mostly, she needed to put her own feelings into perspective.
The boat glided effortlessly across the water. The sun was warm, and the cool water was a welcome contrast to the heat. Christian ran her hand through the water, drawing the coolness to her face and wetting her hair. The water was refreshing as it cascaded across her face and down her neck, washing the heat from her skin and the tension from her soul.
She had come to Willow Springs to find peace with her life and the loss of the woman she loved. Now she found herself intimately connected to two women, both dealing with their own fears and hurts.
She still missed Cara. But lately she found she had been filled with thoughts of Alex and Elaine and the new relationships that had become so important to her. Elaine, with all her complexity and pain, whom she desperately wanted to comfort and protect. Elaine had gotten to her with her laughter and playfulness, and through her vulnerability, she made Christian feel needed.
Then there was Alex. The mysterious woman who had rescued her from herself and awakened feelings she thought she would never know again. Just the thought of Alex evoked such strong emotions that she felt like screaming. Christian’s body cried out for Alex, but it was so much more than just sexual energy she felt when she was with her. Being with Alex was like tasting a forbidden fruit, a flavor unlike any other that she would ever find anywhere else. She knew she had been unfair to Alex. She had been avoiding her for days now, so she could figure out her feelings or allow the infatuation to pass. After experiencing Alex’s jealousy, she had decided it was unfair for her to see Alex until she understood her feelings and what had been happening between them. She had thought that the time away would help her forget her feelings and she could move on, but move on to what?
If she had learned anything through Cara’s death and listening to the pain that Elaine had suffered, it was that no one had time to waste.
Christian was overwhelmed by the loneliness of her life, and she had come to the lake to sort out her feelings. The water always made her feel that, for a little while, she could step outside her life and make the world stop for a moment. On the water, she felt peace.
She hadn’t set out in any particular direction and was surprised but not disappointed when she looked up to see the familiar dock and footpath leading to Alex’s cabin. She smiled as she thought of Alex and the day and night she had spent at the cabin. Her stomach quivered slightly and she felt her heart rate speed up as she paddled toward the dock. As she approached, she saw a form take shape. It wasn’t until she was right up close that she realized it was Alex, lying on the dock, basking in the sun. She lay on her stomach with her head turned away from Christian’s position on the water, and her arms were stretched out over her head.
Christian’s stomach tightened as she realized Alex was naked. She hadn’t been prepared for the vision before her. Her eyes roamed the length of the strong, beautiful body. Alex’s defined shoulder muscles, her sculpted arms, cradling her head. Her back dipped down at her waist and her round buttocks rose in scrumptious mounds, blending into well-muscled, lean thighs.
Christian surged with arousal. Her gaze was locked on the beautiful form before her, and her groin pulsed in time with the beat of her heart.
She remembered what it had been like for her to wake up on the sofa in the cabin, knowing Alex had seen her naked and she had had no control. She panicked and tried to reverse the path of her boat. The paddle slipped and smacked the water as she tried to correct her course.
Christian knew she’d failed to make a clean getaway when Alex called out, “Hey, where are you going?” The surprise in her voice was clear.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude.”
“Don’t be silly,” Alex said. “Come back.”
“You can’t be serious. I can’t.”
“Why not, you already came all this way.” Alex was propped up on her elbows, and her breasts were barely obscured.
“But…you’re naked!” Christian felt her face burn with the heat of her embarrassment as she said the words, still trying not to look at Alex. She felt foolish for showing up without an invitation or at least giving Alex a warning that she was coming. She didn’t know what to make of Alex’s apparent lack of concern at being caught sunbathing in the nude. She couldn’t believe Alex was so calm. Obviously, Alex wasn’t as physically affected as she was.
“Oh,” Alex said, sitting up. “Give me a minute. Just don’t leave.” She hurriedly gathered her shorts and her T-shirt, stumbling to get dressed. She laughed. “Okay, I’m decent. Now will you please come over here?”
Reluctantly, Christian pulled the boat up to the dock and looked at Alex’s smiling face. She noticed how Alex’s skin was beginning to tan from the exposure to the sun and felt the sudden desire to run her fingers across the muscles of Alex’s arms. Accepting her attraction for Alex had only made her desire for physical contact stronger, and she struggled to control the storm brewing inside her. She had to get a grip. It was one thing to admit she was physically attracted to Alex, it was something altogether different to do anything about it.
“It’s good to see you,” Alex said, still smiling. “What brings you out?”
“I don’t really know. I was just enjoying the lake, and the next thing I knew, here I was. I’m sorry about sneaking up on you like that.”
“Don’t worry about it. I guess that makes us even.”
Christian was confused. “What do you mean?”
“Well,” Alex said as she reached over the dock, taking hold of the bow of the boat and pulling Christian closer, “I saw you naked that first night, without you knowing about it, when I had to strip off your clothes. Now you’ve seen me naked without my knowing you were there. That makes us even.” Her look was devilish as she smiled down at Christian.
Christian scoffed. “I hardly think this is the same thing.”
“Okay. What do I have to do to make it up to you?”
Christian struggled to remain composed as they joked. Alex was so close. All she wanted to do was reach up and touch her. She could remember the feel of Alex’s lips on hers, and her body cried out for more. “I hardly think that’s necessary.”
“Maybe not, but it would be fun. And it would give me an excuse to see you again.” Alex held firmly to the handle on the end of the boat. “I’ll tell you what. How about letting me cook you dinner?”
“Sorry. I really can’t—I already made plans with Elaine.”
Alex looked thoughtful for a moment. �
��Yeah. I’m still sorry about how I acted the day she and I met. I don’t know what came over me.”
“Tell me about what happened. What made you so upset?”
Christian saw the color in Alex’s cheeks brighten. Alex looked away and sighed heavily. “I’d been thinking about you, about kissing you. I was caught off guard when I ran into you, and when I saw you holding Elaine’s hand, I jumped to conclusions. I got jealous, I guess.”
Christian frowned, remembering her reaction to Alex. “Why were you jealous?”
Alex looked at Christian as if the answer was obvious. “I wanted to be the one you wanted to be with. I had put myself out there, I had asked you to dinner, and you said no. I told myself you weren’t ready. But when I saw you with Elaine, I thought you just didn’t want to be with me.”
The words stung Christian like a slap. She hadn’t meant to hurt Alex. She hadn’t meant to hurt anyone. She had to do better than this push-pull dance she and Alex were in. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too. I’m not usually a jealous person. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions like that.”
Christian’s heart grew heavy as the smile faded from Alex’s face, and she wanted nothing more at that moment than to have Alex smile again. “Back to your offer of dinner—what are you doing tomorrow?”
Alex’s eyes flashed as she jerked her head up, her expression hopeful. “Nothing really, tomorrow would be great.”
“Are you sure?” Christian asked, suddenly anxious. She couldn’t believe she was asking Alex out on a date. No, not a date. She just wanted to spend time with Alex so she could figure out what she was feeling. Her stomach quivered with excitement. So what if it was a date?
Alex nodded. “Very sure,” she said, her eyes glinting in the sun. “How about I pick you up at the lodge, say around eleven?”
“That’s hardly dinner,” Christian said, beginning to feel a little cautious. Alex had a way of grabbing hold of a moment and running with it. She already felt as if she were standing on the edge of a cliff, and she didn’t want to feel pushed.
Healing Hearts Page 8
