Shadows in the Grass

by Beverley Harper

  Dallas nodded. ‘Wait until you meet my ex-partners.’

  ‘I want to meet everyone you know, to make my home here. If we cannot marry, we can at least live as man and wife. I’m sure many do the same.’

  ‘Probably.’ He grinned. ‘You’re going to look very fetching in a bead skirt.’

  ‘A what?’

  The grin widened. ‘It will have to cover the backs of your thighs or I’ll become quite excited. However, your breasts mean nothing to me.’

  ‘Dallas, whatever are you talking about?’ One eyebrow was up.

  He laughed outright. ‘Zulu tradition, my darling. I’m full of happiness and babbling nonsense.’ He hugged her tightly. ‘It’s your turn to talk.’

  Lorna told him of the days leading up to her wedding. ‘I was sick with fear for you. I thought you’d be caught and hanged. I begged Mama to tell the truth but she wouldn’t. Father simply refused to listen, though he did say, “If that boy is half as clever as I think, he’s well away from harm.” I spent days in my room, dreading news that you’d been arrested.’

  She shuddered at the memory. ‘I hardly remember the wedding. It was a hideous day. All I wanted to do was die. I seriously considered throwing myself from the roof. The only thing stopping me was our baby. As time passed, I began to believe that Father had been right and you’d somehow managed to get out of Britain. It gave me the strength to stay alive. I knew, in my heart of hearts, that if you had escaped then one day we’d be together.’

  ‘Like this?’

  ‘Exactly like this.’ Lorna took a deep breath. ‘Lord, my love, how different it is here with you. I loathed that old goat – his voice, his touch, everything.’ She shivered again, picked up one of Dallas’s hands and held it close to her chest before going on. ‘After the wedding we travelled by carriage to Dumfries. It took three days. As we set off, the first thing he said was, “If you can bear to wait, my dear, I’d prefer that our firstborn be conceived at home.” He acted as though I was desperate to be in his bed, yet I hadn’t looked at or spoken a word to him since the ceremony. The man must have realised how foul I found him.’ A deep frown crossed her forehead. ‘Arrogant bastard!’ she burst out passionately.

  Dallas wasn’t shocked. As children he and Lorna had swapped swearwords which they’d picked up from some of the family servants.

  ‘The trip was ghastly. Each hour took me further from home, each mile more distant from wherever you might be. We always stayed in second-rate inns. He’d refused my request to bring a maid, so at night I would lock the door of my room and have no-one to talk to. All the while we drew closer to the time when he would insist on his conjugal rights. That’s what he called it, Dallas. He went on and on about it.’

  The memory was upsetting her but Dallas knew she needed to purge herself of it.

  ‘We arrived at his estate around four in the afternoon. It looks most impressive from the outside. The main house has four floors and is much larger than Canongate or the Grange. There are two wings, south and north, connected by glass pavilions. God knows why he built them. As far as I know they were never used. The old fossil lived quite frugally with the bare minimum of furniture and hardly any creature comforts. His whole house was freezing, the food awful and servants rude. A tweeny showed me to my bedchamber. A tweeny, Dallas! When I demanded a proper lady’s maid the marquis told me to train up the little slut. Train her! I could barely understand a word she uttered. The girl was useless. Clumsy, lazy – why, Percy has more breeding. I told her to light the fire and bring hot water. She refused. Apparently, the marquis disdained what he called pampering. By the time I went down to dinner I was ready for battle.’

  He’d seen her in that state before. Formidable, from memory.

  ‘The food arrived cold,’ she went on. ‘I tried to send it back but he overruled me. As soon as we were alone I told him that if I were to be mistress of his house then he should allow me some authority. He laughed. Said his home had been good enough for over sixty years and I wasn’t to change a thing. My presence was tolerated only for the heirs I would bear. I looked down the long table at him and something inside me died. I was his prisoner, one towards whom the servants would have little respect and certainly no loyalty. I had hated him before but suddenly the spirit in me shrivelled. It was replaced by such despair and fear that, in an instant, I became little more than a shell. His callous indifference kindled such loathing, yet I felt helpless, alone.’

  Dallas smoothed hair off her wet cheeks. ‘Fucking bastard!’ His quiet voice carried the venom of hatred searing his heart.

  She gave a watery smile. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘You didn’t lose your spirit, my darling, although I can see why you thought you had. What happened? When did he suffer his stroke?’

  ‘Later. At dinner he drank rather a lot. I retired early, hoping he’d be too drunk.’ She laughed derisively. ‘Too much to hope for, as it turned out. At around midnight he staggered into my room, terribly drunk, weaving and shouting, a footman holding him up. Dallas . . .’ She was weeping. ‘I realised that the servant had been instructed to remain. He was to help . . .’ Lorna broke off, leaning into Dallas for strength.

  ‘Dear God!’ Totally shocked, he felt a raw anger towards her father. A man who would condemn his daughter to such a fate! Lord de Iongh may have been much admired by his peers but Dallas began to see a reason for Alison’s unfaithfulness. Her husband was as cold as any fish. He tightened his arms around the girl he loved.

  ‘Lorna, you don’t have to go on with this if it distresses you.’

  She shook her head. ‘You must know. There can be no secrets between us.’ She wiped at her eyes, took a breath and went on. ‘I threw the biggest tantrum of my life. Screamed, swore, and chucked everything I could get my hands on at the two of them. Finally, the footman was dismissed. By then, my dearly beloved husband was himself in a towering rage, shouting, calling me a bitch, tearing off his nightshirt. I realised then that I had the means of getting even. He couldn’t stand being disobeyed or made a fool of. Beyond caring what might happen to me, I laughed at him, called him every horrible thing I could think of. His vanity sent him into an even greater rage. I made fun of his bald head and wrinkled skin, even his smell. When he was completely naked, I pointed at his . . . his . . . shrivelled-up . . . and asked what he hoped to achieve with it. That was it. He went mad, frothing at the mouth, pulling at himself trying to make it bigger, shouting what he wanted me to do. I suppose I was scared but I was also full of hatred. I laughed and laughed, just to goad him.’

  Lorna was still clutching Dallas’s hand and he could feel the strength of those terrible memories in her fingers. ‘Go on,’ he said softly. ‘Get rid of it all.’

  ‘I don’t think he was aware of anything other than his fury. One moment my husband was standing there slobbering like a dog, bellowing at me; the next, with no warning, he clutched at his head and collapsed on the floor.’

  ‘Thank God.’

  ‘The sudden silence is what I remember most. After all that screaming, the marquis made no sound at all. He just lay there; his mouth opened and shut, yet no words came. I knew that something serious must have happened. After what seemed like ages, I took a couple of steps closer. His eyes begged me to send for help.’ Her voice broke. ‘I just stood there and told him to die. I said it over and over in a whisper. I could see he understood. He was frightened, shaking all over but helpless, unable to move even his hands. I went to the bureau, poured myself some wine, then sat where he could watch me drink. Time passed – it must have been over an hour. I hoped that the longer I delayed the more damage was likely. Dallas, there was not a shred of sympathy in me. Eventually, I pulled on a gown and opened the door. That beastly footman was still there, waiting down the hall. I told him the marquis appeared to be unwell and instructed him to fetch a doctor. He was suspicious but went anyway. When the family physician finally arrived, he more or less implied that Lord Dumfries should have known better than to tak
e such a young wife. He assumed that physical exertion had brought on the attack. I didn’t enlighten anyone. Even the footman had to accept the diagnosis.’

  Dallas felt the tension leave her body. ‘Your letter said he lived.’

  ‘He lasted three months.’

  ‘Did he know of our child?’

  ‘I told him. It had the desired result. I suppose you could say he lost his temper. It was difficult to know. His eyes bulged and he turned bright red. Suddenly he just . . . died.’ She shrugged. ‘After his funeral I took revenge on the staff and fired the lot. For three months I’d had to live with their flagrant insubordination. Now, as mistress of the estate, they had no choice other than to accept my authority. A few did try to find favour but I detested them all. With new staff selected by me installed, I decided to stay only until our child was born. Knowing I’d never live there, it gave me great pleasure to spend a small fortune on the house. My staff were pleasant and loyal. The months passed in a most agreeable way. For every penny I spent, I could imagine the marquis turning in his grave. May he rot in hell!’

  ‘And everyone believes that Cam is his?’

  ‘Those who must, yes. Cam inherits everything. No-one has questioned his legal rights. Everyone believes the marquis died as the result of begetting an heir.’

  ‘What will you tell our son?’

  ‘We will tell him the truth.’

  Dallas smiled at the determination in her voice. ‘Good.’

  ‘I only hope Cam understands.’

  ‘He will if we raise him our way.’

  ‘Meaning?’

  ‘To be true to himself and respect the right of others to do the same.’

  ‘What if he decides we are bad people?’

  ‘Bad is a state of mind perceived differently by everyone. If he loves us, he won’t think that. Anyway, in ten years our situation won’t matter to anyone. With a bit of luck Sarah will find another and grant me a divorce. Then I can make an honest woman of you.’

  Lorna’s response was immediate. ‘I’m honest enough to please myself. Being the same for you is all that matters to me now.’

  Dallas wagged a finger at her. ‘I do declare, my love, that your position gives you confidence to question the constraints of society.’

  ‘And why not? Don’t you think I have earned the chance to please myself? If my title makes people too intimidated to express disapproval, then so be it. Who cares for them anyway?’ Turning from the harrowing tale of her wedding night, Lorna switched to other news. ‘Mother has taken another lover.’

  At the mention of Alison, Dallas felt guilty. ‘How is it that you have so readily forgiven me?’

  ‘I love you. Why waste years being resentful? What’s the point?’

  ‘Does your father know about the new one?’

  ‘Probably. I think he’s always known and turned a blind eye.’

  ‘Until me. He could hardly ignore what was right under his nose.’

  Lorna dug him in the ribs with an elbow. ‘I may have forgiven you but that doesn’t mean I wish to be reminded. Can we not speak of it again?’

  ‘I wanted to end it after you and I . . . She wouldn’t allow it.’

  ‘My dear Dallas, the word is no.’ There was steel in her voice which told him that forgiveness hung by a thread.

  Dallas dropped his head. ‘It taught me a lesson.’

  Lorna gave him a tiny smile. ‘I want to be the only one.’

  ‘And so you shall be. From this night to the end of my life.’ He placed a hand over his heart. ‘I promise that for as long as I have you there will be no other.’

  The smile grew and she snuggled closer. ‘Good,’ she murmured.

  ‘Charlotte and Charles?’ Dallas asked, wanting to know he’d done no lasting damage to his best friend’s and sister’s chances of happiness.

  ‘Two peas in a pod, my dear. Father eventually gave in. He’s always had a soft spot for Charlotte. The wedding was very discreet with only a few family and friends. It was the way they wanted it. They live quietly in Perthshire and rarely come to Edinburgh. Charlotte is expecting a baby; it may even be born by now. When they heard I was coming out here, both sent their love.’

  ‘Thank God. After betraying you, the knowledge that I had ruined their lives as well was especially hard to take. When I read in your letter that they were, after all, allowed to marry, I was filled with joy for them. And your father? How did he react to your coming out here?’

  ‘He knew why I wanted to find you.’

  ‘You told him?’

  ‘No. Mother did.’

  ‘How did she know?’

  ‘She took one look at Cam. Everyone says he looks like me but Mother saw straight through that. I saw no reason to lie. Now she can barely stand me to be in the same room as her.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘I’m not. We were never close. Anyway, she couldn’t care less where I went. At least Father tried to talk me out of it until I reminded him of the callous indifference he’d shown for my happiness, giving me to . . . that old man. Then he caved in.’ Lorna gave a cynical laugh. ‘What choice did he have? The Dumfries estates border with our own in that part of Scotland and his grandson is the sole heir. Land means more to Father than flesh and blood, always has.’

  Dallas tightened his arms around her. ‘It doesn’t to me.’

  ‘Should that ever change, you may rest assured that I will remind you,’ she told him in the sweetest of voices.

  ‘Tch! I can see our life together will never be dull.’

  Lorna looked serious. ‘What will you tell Sarah?’

  ‘The truth. She probably doesn’t deserve it but I’ll not deceive her any more than is necessary. Anyway, I told her about you on our wedding night. We have never slept in the same room, let alone bed.’

  ‘Another blissfully happy couple,’ Lorna commented dryly. ‘Thank God we’re of like minds, Dallas. Life is too short to be miserable. Others have interfered enough. From now on we make our own decisions. If they’re wrong, we’ll have only ourselves to blame.’ She changed the subject. ‘Lady Pamela sends her love. Lord Dalrymple, his blessing.’

  ‘Do they know about Cam?’

  ‘No. I thought it best to keep it a secret from them for now.’

  Dallas agreed, though it hurt not to be able to claim the boy as his own to his parents. ‘How are my brothers? Do you know?’

  ‘Thomas . . .’ She hesitated, then grinned. ‘Oh, bother it! Why not tell the truth? He’s a dear man but such a bore. You’re an uncle again, did you know? They’ve had another son.’

  Dallas smiled at her accurate assessment of his oldest brother. ‘There’s a letter in my pocket from Mother. The news is probably in there. Something quite beautiful, irresistible and compelling rather took my mind off any mail. Not to mention meeting my son for the first time.’

  ‘Read it now.’

  He shook his head. ‘Later. Right now I’d rather listen to you.’

  Lorna’s eyes shone approval. ‘Boyd is still in the army.’

  ‘I hope he kept his commission.’

  ‘Yes. Your father intervened. Said that the sins of a younger brother should have no bearing on another’s impeccable career.’

  Dallas looked guilty. ‘The earl is a good man. I fear I’ve sorely tried him over the years.’

  ‘A sweetie,’ Lorna agreed. ‘And quite impressive when his dander’s up. Boyd’s commanding officer nearly fell over himself to oblige.’

  Dallas laughed. Though Lord Dalrymple was not his natural father he felt a rush of filial affection for him. The man was stern, not very demonstrative, but always there when needed.

  ‘How’s Glendon?’

  Lorna glanced at him from under raised eyebrows. ‘Something odd happening there.’

  ‘Odd?’

  ‘Glendon has been sent to India. We don’t know why. All your parents are certain of is that the engagement has been called off, the ex-fiancée refuses to give a reason and her
uncle, the bishop, seems unwilling to explain Glendon’s sudden disappearance. There’s been no word from Glendon.’

  ‘Foul play? Surely not.’

  ‘Cover-up, more likely.’

  Their eyes met, as they both remembered the rather foppish young man who had gone so readily into a church environment, not for glory, but through a genuine wish to help others. Had he fallen foul of a less-than-perfect regime, or was Glendon himself guilty of some crime which necessitated his removal from public scrutiny?

  ‘Don’t worry about your brother. Lord Dalrymple is asking a lot of questions. If anyone can get to the bottom of the mystery, it’s your father,’ Lorna reassured Dallas. ‘Glendon is probably in the south trying to convert the Tamils.’

  ‘One shudders to imagine –’

  ‘Into what!’

  Lorna threw back her head and laughed. It was such a good sound, warm and earthy. Dallas knew her so well and yet there was so much more to learn. Charles had been his closest friend, Lorna Charlotte’s. Different ages, different interests, different sexes, although their paths crossed regularly and they’d always got on well. Without this childhood fraternalism to strengthen their relationship, the obstacles they faced might well prove too great. As it was, each knew they could depend on the other – an essential ingredient in any friendship, although Dallas had some work to do in regaining Lorna’s total trust – leaving deeper feelings free of the usual constraints that exist when strangers fall in love. Perhaps the absence of doubt would give them the courage they’d need.

  ‘You were lucky to find a room with Mrs Watson. I know she’s an old busybody but the place is clean.’

  ‘I wanted to stay where I knew you’d come back to for mail. This house has been ready to move into for the past week. Now it needs to be lived in. I’ll collect my things from Mrs Watson tomorrow.’

  He kissed her hair. ‘I’m planning another trip. Come with me.’

  ‘Try and stop me. I’m itching to see this country.’

  ‘It’s not always easy. Are you sure?’

  ‘Very. I’m not made of glass and neither is our son.’