by Hoff, Stacy
“So the problem would be . . . what, then?” Ana said impatiently. “Other than you’ve lost your mind. You should be leaping right into their laps, stripper-style.”
Stephanie let out a loud laugh. “Well, that would definitely leave them with a lasting impression. Too bad it wouldn’t be a good one.” Her tone grew serious. “Colin offered to stay in the City with me when the show’s over. I don’t think he’ll be happy here, though. He seems to want to go home pretty bad. He’s spent so many years away. Plus, he wants to help his brother run the family farm.”
“Colin’s a farmer? That’s the last thing I would have guessed.”
“Well, he wants to be. He hasn’t been one since he was a kid. At eighteen, he went straight into the military. He says he’ll stay here for me, though. I’m not sure what to do. So much money is on the line if I get this job. Maybe he can go home to his farm, and we can have a long-distance relationship for a few years?”
“Do you think that’s practical? I mean, after the show finishes airing, every woman in America will be after him. Maybe all of Canada, too. They’re already enthralled by all the bus stop posters Teleworld put out. Most of them get ripped down as soon as they’re put up. They can’t even print them fast enough. They must be in a zillion women’s bedrooms by now.” Ana visibly cringed. “I mean, not that you’re not terrific, Steph. And I’m sure he cares about you.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Stephanie said half-heartedly. “I’m only trying to do what’s best for him.” The phone rang, jarring her. “Can you get that?”
“Answer your phone? But it’s your apartment!”
“Yeah, so? Colin’s going to be on so I don’t care about anything else right now. I’ll be damned if I’m going to talk to somebody.”
“You’re talking to me,” Ana grumbled good-naturedly. She placed the porcelain popcorn bucket on the glass cocktail table and went to get the phone.
“I can hear you,” Stephanie called back.
“I don’t have to answer your phone calls anymore, remember?”
Stephanie waved her off, her attention already back to the TV.
“Stephanie Lang’s residence. How may I help you?” Stephanie heard Ana inquire in her best business voice. “Uh-huh. Yes, Mrs. Lang, I’ll certainly tell Stephanie.” Pause. “No, she won’t be alone for his first show. For any of his shows, actually. I’ll be watching them with her.” Pause. “No, it won’t be a problem at all. Take care and please know I have your husband in my thoughts.” Ana hung up and walked back over to the couch. She sat down hard enough to shift the pillow next to Stephanie.
“How’s my dad?”
“The same. Your mom just called to say she was thinking about you and to wish Colin luck.”
“Luck? The show was shot weeks ago. We’re just seeing it now.”
“Yeah. Crazy, isn’t it? The world of television is like one big, fucked-up timeline.”
“Amen, sister. So by now he’s somewhere in seclusion. They won’t tell you where?”
“Not a soul’s been told from what I hear. The only ones who know are Mark, Bernie, and Neil. They’re definitely not talking.”
“No kidding. They won’t drop a hint about how he’s doing? At all? If he’s even alive?”
“Don’t you think I would have told you if I did know? They’re keeping this wrapped tighter than the security system for the Queen’s jewels. Mark said they dumped a fortune into advertising and PR.”
“I know, I know. Just keep me posted if you hear anything. I’m going crazy not knowing if he’s okay.”
“Wait—shhh!” Ana squealed. “It’s the opening sequence. There’s his picture. Oh my God, he doesn’t have a shirt on. Will you look at all those ripped muscles? He has an eight pack, holy sh—”
“Ana, do you mind? I’m sitting right here, for God’s sakes.”
“Ooops. Sorry. But, man, is he hot!”
“Sure, ogle my boyfriend. Fine by me,” Stephanie deadpanned.
“Thanks. Don’t mind if I do,” Ana exclaimed with relief, snuggling her butt more into the seat cushion.
“Not a problem. Half of America is probably doing the same.”
“Nah, way more than that. It won’t be just women, either. They’ll be plenty of gay men eyeing him, too.”
“Great. As if I don’t have enough competition already.” Stephanie laughed, despite her nerves over seeing him in harm’s way. She could only hope that the images she was looking at weren’t all that was left of him.
“You’re looking awfully wistful,” Ana pointed out. “Wasn’t the poster I stole for you from work enough to get it out of your system?”
“Apparently not. Now hush up. I’m watching.”
They quieted and hunkered down on the couch, eyes fixated. After the title sequence, the show finally started. Colin appeared, calm and confident. His blue eyes sparkled through the screen. His grin radiated right through to her heart. He wasn’t speaking to the masses, he was speaking directly to her. Telling her how he was doing. Assuring her he was going to survive.
“Brilliant.”
“What?” asked Stephanie, breaking out of her bubble.
“How he’s making that huge knife out of corded leaves, wood, and broken bone. He says he’ll finish it as soon as he makes more cord. Crazy what he can do with palm fronds. I can’t decide if he’s the ultimate caveman or just uncanny.”
“Let’s stick with brilliant. I liked that word better.”
“You got it. Mr. Brilliant now has a working bola to match his knife. Geez, this isn’t taking him very long.”
“A bola?” Stephanie asked.
“Yeah. You’ve never seen one in a jungle movie before? Or one of those tribal documentaries? They had one on Discovery Channel the other night. See, there’s the bola . . . it’s in his right hand now. When it’s done, it’ll have three cords tied together at one end, with each tip of the other end tied to a rock.”
“So far it looks bizarre. Like medieval weaponry. A cat-o’-nine-tails that lost six tails in a fight. And the remaining three tails wrapped around rocks surgically.”
“Weird looking, but effective. He’ll be able to whip it around and fling it at his prey. Or at anything that attacks him. Like that panther over there. Oh my G—”
Stephanie hit her head against the wooden arm of the couch as she passed out.
Chapter 27
Crazy, fucked-up, show. Tell me again why I need the dammed money? Sweat poured off Colin’s face as he slowly circled the panther. Only took them an hour before they unleashed one. One hour! Assholes. One thing was for sure. Somewhere close by lurked a much more deadly animal—a man. One who’d triggered the release of these cages. If he caught that son-of-a-bitch in the act, well, that guy definitely wasn’t going to survive twelve days out here.
“Nice, kitty, kitty. You don’t want to eat me. I sure don’t want to eat you.” The panther stopped and crouched down on all fours, its ears back. “Shit. Not a good sign.” Colin slowly lifted himself up on his tiptoes and raised his arms over his head. “I’m bigger than you, see? Bigger and way more bad-assed.” Colin backed up slowly and carefully. The cat growled, a strangled, low-pitched sound.
He glanced around to find what he could use. Nothing. They hadn’t given him time to finish making weapons. His knife was in his pants pocket, but it was small, so that was a last resort. Sweat poured down harder. His skin twitched, flinching the water off, but he would not move more. Movement would only set the beast off. He much preferred a stand-off to a full-out attack. But the cat started wiggling its rear end back and forth, crouching lower. Definitely not a good sign.
He spied a glint of sunlight. Risking a fast glance, he saw the gray, shale-like rock that gave off the glare. Mica. Hot damn! Moving slowly, he edged off a Teva sandal with hi
s other foot, and without bending down, used the bare foot to scoot the thin, flat rock up his ankles.
The rock fell at the incline of his anklebone. He grasped for it again, curling his toes around it tightly. This time the rock made it up to his calf. Bending down as little as possible, he grabbed the rock from his foot with his hand. Lifting it up, he outstretched his arm and held it at an angle. It instantly reflected a beam of the waning sunlight. The surface of the silvery mica lit, and he aimed the beam at the panther’s face. The light shot straight into its eye and the great cat took off, darting back into the woods.
Colin caught his breath, breathing deep and then exhaling loudly. Plunking his butt down onto the hard earth, he waited for his heart rate to slow. After a minute, he looked at one of the lenses of the fixed camera stations. “And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you stop a panther attack.”
“Stephanie? Stephanie! Are you okay?” Ana shrieked, her voice shrill. “That does it, I’m calling 9-1-1.”
Stephanie heard the words as if they were from far away and tried to answer. But her thoughts swirled around her, just out of reach from her grasp. She could see a light. A bright light. Shining down. Was she dead? Had she died from shock? No, the light was from a flashlight Ana was shoving in her face, forcing her eyelids open.
“Thank God. I was just going to call the EMT’s. You fainted, and then hit your head.”
Stephanie sat up, her head swimming. “I can’t believe I fainted. I’m fine, though. Really.”
“Yeah, well good for you. You scared the shit out of me, but let’s not worry about that.”
“I’m just worried about Colin,” Stephanie answered, ignoring both Ana’s sarcasm and eye roll. “I didn’t miss the end, did I? What happened? Tell me he’s okay.”
“You passed out for less than thirty seconds. All you missed was a fascinating ad for Tastes-So-Terrific ice cream. Big loss, I know. It featured a very cute puppy trying to lick ice cream out of a baby’s bowl.”
“My loss,” Stephanie grumbled, equally sarcastic. “Shhh. The show’s back on.”
“There he is again. God, what that man looks like with his shirt off. Plain old unfair is what it is.”
“Why is it unfair?”
“Because I don’t get to sleep with him.”
Stephanie picked up her hundred-dollar, Bloomingdale’s silk throw pillow and promptly beat Ana over the head with it. When Ana laughed, Stephanie shushed her again.
“Hey! Don’t hurt me. This is the thanks I get for smuggling your letter to him?”
“You never told me you were able to get it to him. Oh. My. God. How in the world did you pull that off?”
“Easily,” Ana answered smugly. “A few weeks ago I sent it to James with a cover letter saying it was from Mark and highly confidential. I told James to leave it by Colin’s campsite in a place where it couldn’t be missed.”
“You’re ingenious. You know that, right?”
“Yep, I sure do.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you did it?”
“Because I have no way of knowing if Colin ever got it. The crew still isn’t talking to anyone. I just sent it down and hoped for the best. So, are you going to tell me what you wrote? Or is that being too nosey? Though after all I did to get it to him, I think my nosiness is completely justified.”
“Fine, fine.” Stephanie laughed, and then sobered. “I told him about the job offer I had. That I want what’s best for him, so if he wanted to date long-distance, we could. I told him I know he needs lots of financial help for the farm, and I can help him with that if I work in New York.”
Ana’s expression darkened. “Uh, Steph, do you think maybe he’d construe your message the wrong way?”
“What way would that be? I do only want what’s best for him. If I’m able to make money I can help him out financially. Who knows if the farm will have any more problems? Meanwhile, I’ll be doing work I’m good at, and he’ll be doing work he loves. Besides, I can’t leave my dad while he’s ill.” She paused, trying to keep her emotions at bay. “Colin and I can fly out regularly. Every six weeks should work.”
“I’ll bet your new job won’t give you all the time off they promise. There’ll always be some crisis to chain you to your desk—”
“I’ll make him my priority. There’s no way I’d cancel on him.”
“I know you’ve got good intentions. I’m just saying I hope he knows it. I wouldn’t want him to think you’re backing out of living with him. If you want him, really want him, maybe you’ve got to send him a stronger message.”
Stephanie chewed on her lip as she thought about that. “All right. You have a point. I hadn’t thought about it from that perspective. If you do find out how he’s doing, and where he is, will you offer me your delivery services again?”
Ana sighed. “Yes, Master,” she droned.
“Very funny. Now shhh!”
Colin’s voice came on. It was both comforting and terrifying to hear from him.
“When confronted by any wild animal, there are a few tricks you can use. They don’t like light shining directly into their eyes, like this one. I made a mirror out of mica, a light-reflecting rock. You’ve got to use what you have at your disposal, and this was all I had to use because my weapons weren’t ready. Improvise if you’ve got absolutely nothing to help you out. Acting like you’re bigger than them helps, too, which I did. Don’t challenge them, because they’ll take you up on it. If they really mean business, walk slowly in circles to break up their concentration. Fight the urge to run, because when prey takes off, it triggers the predator’s desire to hunt. Don’t bend down, because becoming smaller makes you look more like prey. And speaking of ‘prey,’ if you’re ever in this situation, don’t forget to ‘pray.’ I did. I prayed I wouldn’t piss my pants.”
Stephanie and Ana watched Colin grin in satisfaction as he pointed to his pants.
“See? The power of prayer works. I’m bone dry. It’ll take more than a panther to piss me off!”
“Oh. My. God,” Stephanie let out.
“He’s doing fantastic. What are you worried about? Besides his pants, I mean. With Colin’s confidence, humor, and amazing skills, he is going to be the biggest star ever. He’ll be rich. Teleworld will be rich.” Her grin was as big as Colin’s. “In fact, I think I’ll ask Mark for a raise.”
“You do that.”
“Got that straight! Oh . . . what’s Colin doing now? What the heck is he going to do with all those branches he’s piling up?” She cocked her head to one side. “My sixth-grade teacher was right. Primitive people are hunter-gatherers. Of course, since panthers and tree branches are inedible, maybe Colin is not so smart.”
“That is so wrong on so many levels,” Stephanie retorted, ignoring Ana’s devilish grin. “For your information, my primitive boyfriend has gathered up those branches to build a lean-to. It’s going to be his shelter.”
“Really? Are you sure?”
“Trust me. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.”
They watched the show, which they recorded, and then watched it again. Stephanie found she could enjoy it now that she was calmer. More so, anyway. Her stomach was still tied in knots. By the time Ana left, Stephanie was ready to go to bed.
Crawling under the covers, she let her thoughts rampage on. Maybe Ana was right. Maybe by leaving Colin her message, she had given him the wrong message. Assuming, of course, that he was alive for it to matter. Geez, with her TV script experience, she should have gotten it right. Speaking from the heart turned out to be a whole lot harder than she thought.
A hundred degrees, at least. And it was only dawn. Colin stretched every limb out widely, trying to get the kinks out of his body. Sleeping on an elevated platform sucked. Built blueprint perfect, he could still feel the structural br
anches. Knotty wood made for knotty muscles. Adding tons of leaves each night provided tolerable cushioning. Still, it could never be mistaken for a true mattress. The Carlyle Hotel’s housekeeping staff would have a conniption over bedroom standards like this.
Suddenly remembering where he was, and why, he grinned at Camera Number Two. “Good morning! How y'all doin’? This is day number five for me, so we’re making progress toward my easy money payday. Let’s see, so far I’ve had to fend off a panther attack. Build my ‘house’ in a rainstorm—gosh, I loved that—doing these kinds of tasks when it’s dry out would be boring. Hmmm, what else? Oh, right. Patiently waited to catch fish while I was starving. Drank boiling water in this hot, humid weather so I don’t ingest contaminates. I think that covers everything so far. No, wait! I forgot to mention, I snagged my shirt yesterday, so I’m using it as a multi-purpose rag. Sorry for the nipple show folks, but, hey, nothing I can do about it. Maybe the post-production people will digitally block out my chest so I don’t offend any of you out there . . . Holy Shit!”
With a crash, a ten-foot alligator charged through his “camp.” Straight for him.
Heart pounding, Colin leapt back to grab one of the leftover fish he’d smoked and threw it toward the alligator. The gator stopped in its tracks to open it giant jaws and caught the fish in his mouth.
“Look, Gator. You want more? Over here.” Colin got the gator’s attention then tossed another fish. As far as he could. The fish landed hundreds of feet away, and the gator took off for it.
Instantly dropping down from his elevated platform, Colin ran to shove kindling into the fire he had tended throughout the night. He hustled to light each of the “torches” he’d placed in a circle around his campsite. Encased in a fiery circle, he still wasn’t taking any chances. He grabbed the bola, gripping it in his right hand. Successfully using it on an alligator would be tough. Their skin was so thick and strong, being hit by rocks probably wouldn’t bother them too much. It would, however, definitely piss the animal off, no doubt making it more aggressive. If he used the thing, he’d have to defeat it in one shot. Only a direct hit to its eye could do that. No easy feat.
