Fantasy Online_Hyperborea

by Harmon Cooper

  Ryuk stops scanning the horizon for a moment and asks, “How does it work?”

  “It’s steam-powered, but the steampack has been built in so as not to be obtrusive.” FeeTwix turns to the goblin. “What are you waiting for you? You need an arm, I have an arm. Sounds like a win-win to me. Now, to connect it … ”

  “Anyone have any fickin’ hooch?” Hiccup asks. “Some drorikh, preferably.”

  “No,” Ryuk says with disapproving abruptness.

  “Marbles, you have the empathy of a fungal growth in the cleft of a dragon’s ass.”

  “Don’t worry,” FeeTwix grins. “I’ve used one of these before. The attachment process isn’t really all that painful. Come on – don’t be a big baby.”

  “The fick, you say!” Hiccup huffs, sighs, and with eyes squinched shut and head turned away, reluctantly presents his armless shoulder. The gears spin up, the fingers come alive and the shoulder end opens like the maw of a lamprey. FeeTwix presses the mechanical arm onto Hiccup’s shoulder, and the goblin’s flesh tendrils up and settles around the union of goblin shoulder and steam-powered arm. The external gears click and clank as the arm makes minor adjustments.

  FeeTwix lets go and the brass arm dangles there for a moment. “Don’t be afraid of it; it may actually be of some benefit to you.”

  “Who’s afraid? Other than my second ex-mother-in-law, I’m not afraid of anything that’s not trying to kill me.”

  “What about ghosts?”

  The rearmed goblin ignores Ryuk. He holds his mechanical hand up in front of his face, bends and twists the wrist, flexes and wiggles the fingers. An idea occurs to him; he reaches around and gives his ass a most vigorous scratch. He grins and thumps his foot in time to the scratching. “Oh yeah; that’s the ticket. That’s the good stuff!”

  FeeTwix laughs. “Glad I got that on video, and I’m glad you like it!”

  Hiccup runs his other hand over his new brass arm. He knocks on it for a moment. “I can’t say that I hate it, and it sure isn’t my first choice, but it’ll do for now,” he remarks as he sniffs the fingers he just scratched his ass with. “All right, where to, boss?”

  That anyone would consider him boss is a strange and alien concept, even if he is technically the leader of the guild. Ryuk turns his head to conceal the uncertainty he feels, clears his throat and says, “We need to find the dream armor that’s located somewhere around here. And I’ve realized the fatal flaw in my avatar: I have no way of protecting myself in hand-to-hand combat.”

  Hiccup continues to test the capabilities of his new arm by vigorously mining his oversized nostrils and flicking the extracted deposits at FeeTwix. “You just now realized that?”

  “What’s so special about dream armor?” FeeTwix asks, as he pivots out of the way of Hiccup’s ejecta.

  “Dream armor is metamorphic; it becomes whatever armor the wearer needs. It’s almost impossible to get and super, super expensive if you can find it. I was Level 96 and I couldn’t afford any even if I’d found some.”

  “Well, if it’s dream armor you really want,” Hiccup says, “I’m your goblin to find it, but it won’t be cheap.”

  “You’re already getting two percent of whatever treasure we find,” Ryuk reminds him.

  “I thought it was four percent.”

  “No, it’s three.”

  “That’s fine, but when I find this armor, you’ll need to toss me a little bonus. How about a healing potion? I know you still have one left.”

  FeeTwix drapes an arm onto Hiccup’s shoulder and wipes a goblin booger back onto him. “Sure, we’ll give you a healing potion when you find the dream armor.”

  Hiccup jams his new metallic finger into his mouth, gives it a good slobbering, and sticks it up in the air. “It’s that way,” he says as he turns to the east. “We are close, so get ready. I got the feeling one of those classic big boss battles is on the horizon.”

  Chapter 9: Dream armor or bust

  Shall I use my air horn again?” asks FeeTwix.

  “Does insanity run in your fickin’ family, Twixy? Ever heard of the element of surprise? I’m trying to find us some dream armor here, not get my ass handed to me on a dragonscale platter. Priorities, mate, priorities, and a goblin’s priorities are as follows: treasure and sex.”

  “What about violence?”

  “Violence is a natural extension of treasure and sex.”

  A soft, red glow around a storm shelter catches Ryuk’s attention. He examines the glow for a moment and it flashes, intensifies.

  New skill learned!

  Skill: Magic Eye

  Level One: A colored glow indicates that magical properties are present. Higher levels allow for more detail and access to the Wikipedia of arcane knowledge. A red outline signals that a hidden enemy is near.

  Requirements: Level 4 Mage, LUCK > 4.

  Another skill, three now, he thinks. He checks his stats again just to get a sense of where he’s at after his last level up.

  Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 4 Ballistics Mage

  HP: 185/185

  ATK: 45

  MATK: 74

  DEF: 13

  MDF: 22

  LUCK: 5

  Getting better, and he’s only used one auto-level, nine left. Still, the Shinigami could be at any level and according to Hiccup, they were tooled up pretty seriously. While it’s fun grinding and milling about in the bucolic splendor of the Hyperborean countryside, he needs to keep his eye on the prize – Tamana’s rescue. And there’s other stuff going on as well, such as the robed figure at the cathedral. ‘Bigger forces at play’ is an understatement.

  “Where are you heading?” FeeTwix asks.

  “That storm shelter,” Ryuk says, “there’s something off about it.” He draws his slingshot and pouches up a clear marble. With any luck, his Simple Request will work next time.

  “Thanks, guys, for taking care of me for once.” He swipes away the poll.

  FeeTwix brandishes a double-bladed sword and gives it a slow whirl. With a flick of his wrist, the two blades shift on the hilt and lock into place, thirty degrees off from their normal position.

  “That’s exactly the type of place that has fickin’ ghosts.”

  Hiccup equips a spiked club. In his new mechanical hand he clutches a crooked dagger. “What?” he asks as FeeTwix admires his stabby weapons. “You think you’re the only one with a big fickin’ inventory list? I call this one Frank’s Toe Knife.”

  “How should we do this?” Ryuk keeps his slingshot trained on the storm shelter’s opening.

  “Are you sure something is in there?” FeeTwix asks.

  “I’m getting magic readings,” Ryuk explains, “it’s a new skill. Whatever it is, it’s moving a lot.”

  Hiccup nods to Ryuk. “I sense it too. There’s treasure, and whenever there’s rare treasure there’s someone looking to keep that treasure for themselves.”

  “Well, let’s go in weapons a-blazing then.” FeeTwix lifts his hand to scroll through his list. “I’ll toss a few grenades in there to get things off to the right start.”

  Too late. The doors of the storm shelter snap open and arm-thick vines burst out, slapping and slamming against the ground. Hiccup ducks just in time to avoid the first swipe. “That’s fickin’ big!”

  The creature’s stats appear:

  Giant Vine Squid Level 20

  HP: 431/431

  ATK: 76

  MATK: 32

  DEF: 239

  MDF: 64

  LUCK: 8

  “Have at it, boys!” Hiccup charges in bashing and slashing at anything he can reach; one of the vines he doesn’t reach snatches him up and jerks him off his feet. He roars his indignation and stabs, clubs and cleaves in a blur of furious motion.

  -2 HP! -2 HP! -2 HP! -2 HP!

  The vine flings him into a moss-covered and weather-stained statue of Empress Thun. He bounces off, lands with a ‘Yoy!’ and hops to his feet just in time to club another incoming vine. FeeTwix dashes in and
slashes his way into a wall of waving greenery; funky vine juice splatters all around him.

  -12 HP! -20 HP!

  Two black marbles fly past the Swede’s head and explode inside the storm shelter; the three Mitherfickers hear a blood-curdling, water-boiling, gut-wrenching screech.

  “It’s definitely pissed now!” Hiccup charges, leaps, and brings his club down on a vine beelining towards Ryuk.

  -10 HP!

  More vines burst out of the storm shelter, lift into the air and snap against the soil. They writhe and curl as FeeTwix hacks into them.

  -9 HP! -9 HP! -9 HP!

  A vine yanks Ryuk’s feet out from under him and suddenly, he’s airborne.

  The slingshot’s pouch slips out of his grasp; the two black marbles he’d had on deck fly wide and explode against a dead tree in a nearby courtyard. The vine hurls him through a picket fence and he lands in a garden overgrown with thorn bushes, grass burrs and wait-a-minute vines. -21 HP!

  He painfully extracts himself from nature’s barbed wire plants and the vine smashes him right back into the spiky unpleasantness. As he falls backward, Ryuk jams a handful of black marbles in the slingshot’s pouch and zings them off; the slingshot warms from overuse.

  Ryuk: We’re getting KILLED here. Any surprises in your list?

  FeeTwix: Oh yeah, I got just the thing!

  FeeTwix swings his double-bladed sword just enough to keep the vines off him and equips a mahoosive crossbow of silver and mahogany with intricate golden inlays. The weapon flows and spreads and encases his left arm in a web of pulsating symbiotic tendrils that crackle with energy as the weapon charges up.

  Hiccup: Fick yes! FICK YES!

  Ryuk: You have a mutant hack!?

  An eyeball searing green flash momentarily dispels the fog and gloom as FeeTwix unleashes a bolt of sheer hellfire straight into the shelter entrance. The ground shakes; the great vine squid shrieks in pain and dismay as the blast vaporizes most of its vines. Smoke and steam boil out of the shelter and the air is filled with the fragrance of boiled asparagus and calamari well past its best-by date.

  -300 HP!

  “Oh kuso! That didn’t kill it!?” Ryuk leaps to his feet and bolts over to FeeTwix, just in time to see his mutant hack return to its crossbow state. He loads two clear marbles into his magic slingshot and aims it at the shelter entrance.

  “My hackbow,” the Swede says as he returns the weapon to his list. “Long story behind it, but until I can get it looked at by a master weaponsmith, it’ll only shoot once per day. Still, it doesn’t give me a life penalty, so you can’t beat that.”

  Hiccup appears at his side and drops his mechanical hand onto the Swede’s shoulder. “You didn’t fickin’ tell me you had a mutant hack! The Shinigami are done for – we will fick them up, down and sideways five ways from Friday! Those fickboys won’t know what fickin’ hit them!”

  “It’s not something I advertise; others will want to fight me for it if I do.”

  Ryuk notices that FeeTwix eyes are blue.

  “You weren’t streaming that?”

  “Again,” he says, “my mutant hack is not something I advertise, at least not until the big battle. Make them work for it.”

  FeeTwix’s double-bladed sword takes shape in his hand. The blades shift thirty degrees and a miner’s headlamp appears on his head. “What are we waiting for? Let’s get our asses in there and finish it off.”

  (0)__(0)

  The back-blast from FeeTwix’s mutant hack seriously damaged the entrance to the storm shelter, forcing the three Mitherfickers to traverse a partially collapsed stairwell that they can barely squeeze through.

  “How far down do you think it goes?” Ryuk asks FeeTwix, who’s in the lead.

  “I can’t really tell from here.”

  Hiccup’s teeth start to chatter. “I don’t know about you fickers, but I’m seriously freezing my massive goblin testes off here. This is why goblins live on the coast of Hyperborea and not in Ultima Thule FYI. We hate the cold.”

  “And goblins hate ghosts, working, leveling up, personal hygiene, and not whining, apparently. Equip a jacket.” FeeTwix laughs.

  “How am I supposed to save your asses if I’m all bundled up like Nanook of the North and my mobility is reduced? No, we’ll get the dream armor and then it’s gobnap time. I’ve got a flask of drorikh I’ve been saving.” Realization flashes across his eyes. “Fick me! I should have chugged that back when you rearmed me. Shit.”

  A fetid breeze moves up the stairwell, pushing stale air past the three Mitherfickers.

  “Getting closer,” FeeTwix whispers. “I’m going live again.” He clears his throat. “Sorry everyone, some tech difficulties! We’re back, about to go in for the kill.”

  Ryuk keeps his magic slingshot at the ready. He has a single clear marble ready to go; the explosive black marbles could cause a cave-in, and having survived one in the Mines of Rotlana, he’d rather not go through that again.

  “We’re coming to the bottom,” FeeTwix whispers. “Weapons up!”

  “Treasure!” Hiccup pushes past his two guildmates. He explodes into a wide open space and disappears to the right.

  Damn goblin!

  FeeTwix steps out into the opening and what’s left of the giant vine squid drops down and engulfs him. The oversized barrel-shaped cephaloplant has FeeTwix wedged most of the way down its gullet. It writhes and struggles as he hacks and slashes at its insides, and then violently disgorges him in a burst of bilious plantopus goo.

  The Swede rolls backwards, springs to his feet, and with a flick of his wrist, bile and goo flies off his double-bladed sword. His eyes flash.

  “I will not be humiliated!” He charges back in with his blades held high, slips in a puddle of vine squid gunk and most ungracefully skewers himself as he falls on his fancy double-sword – Schwip!

  (0)__(x)

  FeeTwix: Shit! I should have gone with a gun! It’s up to you and the goblin if he ever shows back up! P.S. 675,309 fans are livestreaming this, so no pressure … Remember, if you guys die, we have to start back at the guild again, so no pressure there either.

  “No pressure,” Ryuk whispers, says the Tritania noob who fell on his own sword. No pressure.

  FeeTwix’s miner’s lamp still shines, and the giant vine squid tries to scoot out of the light. Hiccup pops out of the shadows and ultra-thuds the plant-animal in the back of the head.

  -12 HP!

  The vine squid pirouettes on the stubs of its tentacles and punts the club-wielding goblin right in his dangly bits. Hiccup screams ‘Yoy!’ as he hits the ceiling, drops to the floor and covers up just that little bit too enthusiastically with his new brass hand. The plus-size vine squid lands on him gaping beak first and begins the process of deglutition.

  “Marbles! A little fickin’ help for the kid, eh?” His new mechanical arm clatters and bangs against the floor as he scrabbles for a handhold.

  FeeTwix: Use your explody marbles to kill it and Hiccup if you have to. As long as you’re not dead, we’ll respawn there after the battle. Plus you’ll get all the EXP, and you’re the one who needs it the most.

  Well when you put it like that … Ryuk loads a combo clear and black marble in the pocket of his slingshot. He draws and aims and the slingshot grows uncomfortably warm in his grip.

  FeeTwix: Watches are surging! 700,301 people right now. No pressure!

  I need more light …

  FeeTwix’s headlamp grows brighter and brighter, and the shadows leap away to reveal a number of treasure chests in the far right corner.

  FeeTwix: How did you do that!?

  Ryuk: I just thought it and … it worked!

  FeeTwix: A spike in views, now approaching 800,000, no pressure, man but seriously, kill that thing! How do they say it in Japanese? Ganbatte! Ganbatte!

  No pressure, Ryuk thinks as he releases a clear marble and a black marble simultaneously. “No pressure,” he whispers as the two marbles explode against their target.


  +1 LUCK!

  Skill level up!

  Skill: A Simple Request

  Level two: 1 in 6.75 chance of a request being granted.

  Caveat: Only works with a clear marble.

  Requirements: LUCK > 4

  Hiccup is blasted into the wall as the giant vine squid suddenly grows more giant; it inflates like a weather balloon, it bulges and squeaks against the floor and ceiling, swells and bursts in a shower of guts and viscera.

  FeeTwix: What did you do? The fans are going crazy!

  Level up!

  Ryuk is awarded a ton of experience points, easily enough to level up.

  Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 5 Ballistics Mage

  HP: 182/213

  ATK: 48

  MATK: 81

  DEF: 17

  MDF: 24

  LUCK: 6

  A new pouch appears on his belt and a prompt appears:

  New marble acquired! Knife marbles have continuous damage capabilities and can cause an instakill in the right circumstance and at the right level. BONUS! Double damage if they strike an unarmored portion of the target.

  Hiccup is bad off, banged around, and angry to boot, but he still has life left and he’s less grumbly when FeeTwix’s avatar materializes, healing potion in hand. The goblin snatches it away, guzzles it down, and uncorks a satisfied ructus.

  He narrows his eyes at Ryuk as the beak-bites, scrapes, scratches, bruises, contusions, evulsions, and eviscerations heal right up. Even the dings and dents in his mechanical arm repair themselves as he holds out his brass hand and wiggles his fingers.

  “Don’t you hold out on me too,” Hiccup tells Ryuk.

  “I got mugged back in Jatla. I don’t have a healing potion.”

  “Now isn’t the time to be a cheapfick.”

  “Never mind that – where the hell did you run off too when we got down here?” Ryuk asks.

  “Show, don’t tell. Am I right?” Hiccup strolls over to one of the treasure boxes and kicks it open. Sure enough, it’s filled with rupees. “My guess is that there are several thousand rupees in here. Now I’m not saying we’re dragon eggs and Yoshi McNuggets for breakfast rich, but us Mitherfickers can afford finger bowls and appetizers next time we dine out.”