Damaged

by Willow Winters

  Chapter 18

  Evan

  * * *

  The regrets, the guilt, the shame,

  So many sins to try and tame.

  Each one darker, each one worse,

  Living life as if it’s cursed.

  Until the day fate gave me her,

  That was the day my past did blur.

  And with her, I’d leave it all,

  Just for her, my world will fall.

  It’s been a long damn time since I’ve made breakfast for Kat. It’s probably been a year or more since we’ve even woken up together, that’s how fucked our schedules have been.

  I can hear her bare feet pad down the stairs as I set the last plate on the table. It’s fresh pineapple and strawberries I cut up. Bacon’s still the prominent scent though. Bacon and eggs for breakfast. A plate of hotcakes and fruit in the center and of course, her coffee.

  I grab her mug from her spot on the table. It’s still burning hot but I make sure to put it handle out as I turn around to face her. Maybe I’m pussy whipped. Maybe I’m sucking up. Either way, I don’t give a fuck.

  The sight of her messy halo of hair and wide eyes with a bit of mascara still left over from yesterday makes my heart pump hard in my chest. She’s got on nothing but a baggy Henley of mine and it makes her seem even more petite than she already is. My Kat’s never been an early riser. Only when she has to, or apparently when the smell of breakfast is in the air.

  She’s gorgeous even when she’s a mess.

  “You have good timing,” I tell her as she hesitantly grabs the coffee. I can see her shoulders sag just a bit and her eyes close as she takes in the smell though. And it gives me a sense of pride. Even if it’s just for the moment.

  “Good morning,” she says with a soft smile, but it’s barely hiding her true feelings. I force a smile back and pull out her chair.

  “I don’t know the last time I had an actual breakfast,” she says as she takes the seat and then looks up at me. “Thank you,” she says. It’s genuine, but with her shoulders hunched and that sad look in her eyes, I can’t even give her a response.

  I wish I could hold on to last night forever. But the sun had to rise, and I need to come clean to her. She deserves that much.

  The chair legs scratch on the wooden floor as I pull out my seat. I grimace slightly and then clear my throat as I sit down, noticing how Kat doesn’t seem to care. She’s too tired, or maybe it’s something else.

  With both hands on her mug, she leans back in her seat and gives me a small smile but doesn’t reach for any food. She doesn’t say anything either. She’s just waiting. And I wish I had something better to offer her than what’s going to come out of my mouth.

  “I want a fresh start … and the marriage we were supposed to have,” I say out loud as I push the fork through the pancake on my plate, but I don’t eat it. I feel sick to my stomach.

  A heavy breath leaves me and I rub my forehead to get out some of the tension. I can’t tell her everything, but I can give her something that has killed me for years; a truth I wish didn’t exist.

  My skin’s hot and my throat’s dry. It’s been years, and I never intended on telling Kat. I didn’t want her to know and it was before things changed for me. Before my mother told me she was dying. Before Kat came to me and showed me she was the person I needed in my life forever. It happened before I realized she was mine and I was never going to let her go.

  “You okay?” Kat asks and there’s genuine pain in her voice. Sadness and concern I wish weren’t there. She’s too good for me. I’ve made so many mistakes and this is going to crush her and hurt her more than it should. It meant nothing to me back then, but it’ll mean everything to her right now. And I hate it.

  “There’s something I’ve got to tell you.” As I say the words I look Kat in the eyes, and her face changes. She has this way of hiding her emotions, but it doesn’t last long. She’s looking at me with a hard stare and her lips pressed into a thin line. She gives it to me all the time, but I know the second I give her silence, that mouth will open and every emotion she’s feeling will show. She can’t hide it from me.

  “When you asked me about Samantha, if I’d slept with her,” I have to break off from my thought and take in another breath.

  The clink of Kat’s fork hitting the ceramic plate makes my chest feel tight. She lets out a small sound, almost a sigh but weighted down with a bitter hopelessness.

  “I told you the truth, that I haven’t been with anyone since we got married,” I say and watch her eyes, her expression, everything about her, but she doesn’t look back at me. Her shoulders rise, like she’s holding her breath and waiting for a bomb to go off.

  “It was years ago, Kat. Before I knew how much you meant to me.” The words come up my throat as if they’re scratching and digging to stay buried down deep inside of me.

  Her expression crumples the second I hint at the affair. If you can even call it that. “I felt like I was lying to you. Every. Single. Time.” I bang my fist on the table and the plates rattle with each word and make Kat jump, but I can’t help it. “I felt like a bastard when I looked you in the eyes and said nothing happened, because you should have already known.”

  “When?” Kat asks me.

  “I swear that night in the papers was about something else. Something that has nothing to do with that woman or sleeping with her. It was-”

  “When!” she screams out the question as her eyes gloss over. She doesn’t stop staring at me, but the emotion I expect to see isn’t there. It’s only anger, a furious rage that stares back at me. “When did you sleep with her?”

  “The night I got the call from my mother,” I swallow thickly and add, “I was with her.”

  “The night she told you?” she asks me with a morbid tone and I nod, feeling that acid churn in my stomach as my clammy hands clench. “You were at the company party?” she asks instantly, although it’s more of her recollecting than an actual question. She didn’t even have to take a second to think about it. But I guess that night is something that will forever stay with both of us.

  “You were supposed to take me out that night,” Kat says and each word sounds sadder and sadder as she looks away from me. “You were fucking her while at work.”

  “It was a one-time thing. A mistake. I didn’t know who she was and things were getting serious with us, Kat. You don’t understand. It wasn’t how it seems.” I stumble over my words. Leaning closer to her and reaching for her, but she pushes away from the table, slamming her palms against it and scooting the chair back.

  My hands fly into the air, keeping them up. As if I’m not a threat. Trying to keep her here with me to give me a chance to explain.

  “Look, we were getting serious and I needed … I don’t know how to explain it.”

  “You didn’t want to be with me anymore so you went and slept with the first girl to bat her eyes at you?” she asks although it’s an accusation and a bitter one at that.

  I can’t explain how pathetic I feel as she looks at me like I’m the devil. It was just a game back then. I wish I could change it. If I’d known what Kat would mean to me, I’d have put a ring on her finger the moment I laid eyes on her. I never would have done anything to risk what we had. Lies. So many lies, a voice whispers. If that was the truth, I wouldn’t have needed to call Samantha with my eyes on a lifeless body in the corporate hotel room. If she knew everything, she’d hate me.

  “I messed up and I made so many mistakes,” I say and start to lean toward her and beg for mercy, but she’s not having it.

  “How many women have you fucked since I’ve been with you?” Her voice is hard and full of nothing but bitterness.

  “Just her, just Samantha and just that once.” I stare into her eyes, but she refuses to look at me. “Please, Kat,” my voice begs her as I lean forward but she’s quick to stand up, nearly toppling the chair over just so she can get away from me.

  I deserve this. I deserve worse.

&nb
sp; Regret consumes me. I wish I hadn’t told her. Fuck. I don’t know what to wish for anymore. I wasn’t going to tell her about the coke and everything else. I thought that would be her breaking point. Not this.

  I swallow thickly and try to remember everything else I was going to say. “It’s why I feel so guilty about these allegations and why I didn’t say anything to the press. I needed them to think it’d happened and it kind of did, just years ago.”

  “Why were you in the hotel lobby with her at three in the morning?” she asks me as she crosses her arms over her chest, bunching the shirt and finally letting her eyes fall on me.

  I have to swallow the hard lump in my dry throat before I can answer her. “I needed an alibi,” I tell her and feel like that much more of a lesser man.

  “Are you fucking serious, Evan?” she spits out her words, looking at me with more disgust than I’ve ever seen on her face.

  “I’m sorry. It was an accident.”

  “It’s always an accident. Always a mistake. Why do you do this! Why do you put yourself in these situations!” She screams at me with a rage I know she’s had pent up inside of her. I’m too old to be this stupid. I never should have continued working for James. But the money and the lifestyle were so addicting. And it was a high I couldn’t refuse.

  “I told you, I quit. I’m not going to put myself in-” As I shake my head, trying to get the words out, I can’t remember a damn thing I’d planned on saying.

  “It’s too little, too late, Evan,” Kat says and cuts me off.

  She sneers at me before leaving me alone in the room, whipping around and not bothering to say another word. I watch her back as she storms up the stairs.

  I’ve never felt this way before in my life. Like I’ve hurt the one person in the world who would never hurt me. Like I betrayed her. Like I’m not worth a damn thing.

  And there’s no way to make that right.

  I don’t know how to make any of this right.

  Chapter 19

  Kat

  * * *

  I knew the truth,

  I didn’t want to believe.

  But deep in my gut,

  The agony did seethe.

  Call me a fool,

  Say what you will.

  But I can’t help it,

  I love him still.

  That’s why it hurts,

  To say goodbye.

  To make him leave,

  I want to die.

  I can’t stop thinking about it. How Evan fucked her.

  I should be focused on the fact that he needed an alibi. The fact that only weeks ago he was doing shit he knows is wrong and could send him to jail. But that’s the man he’s always been. I knew better than to turn a blind eye, but that’s really what I’ve been doing, isn’t it?

  It’s an odd feeling, like waking up from a long and deep sleep or having a blindfold taken off after wearing it for days. Has it always been this way?

  I knew what kind of life he was leading and the risks that came with it. And I didn’t do a damn thing about it. I should be ashamed, mortified.

  And yet all I can think about is him fucking her.

  And how many times I’ve seen her at events. Not once did she make it seem like anything had happened. She comes off sweet and innocent. She’s petite like me but wears soft colors and always has perfectly manicured, pale pink nails. She looks like a little doll, prim and proper. I never would have expected it. I remember how genuinely happy she seemed when she gushed over my engagement ring.

  That fucking bitch.

  The door to my office opens behind me, the telltale creak making my eyes open and then narrow as I see his reflection on the black computer screen. I don’t even know if the damn thing is on anymore. Or how long I’ve been sitting here. Staring at a worn spot on my desk and thinking about how he fucked her, knowing he was going to see me only hours later.

  What would have happened if his mother hadn’t chosen that moment to tell him to come home and that she wasn’t well? Maybe that would have been the night he chose to break it off with me. After all, every day with him was like ticking off a check box. I knew it wasn’t going to last. I was waiting for it to end.

  Marie fucked me over.

  “Kat,” Evan says from behind me. Hearing him say my name makes a shudder run down my spine. It’s a slow one that sends a chill over my body.

  “I’m going to do everything I can to prove to you how much I love you.”

  “Do I even know you?” Even as I whip around and sneer at him a sick voice in the back of my head answers me. Yes. Yes, you knew what you were doing. You knew the man you married.

  “You’re the only one who does,” he says, looking me in the eyes as his broad shoulders fill the doorframe to my office. “You know I love you.”

  I scoff at him, choosing to ignore the truth and how much I blame myself.

  Right now, it’s all on him. I didn’t cheat on him. I didn’t continue to live a lifestyle that was obviously going to tear us apart.

  He did. And fuck him for that.

  “I hate you right now.” The words slip out in a breath and he visibly flinches.

  “You’re angry, and you have every right to be.”

  “Angry doesn’t cut it!” I scream, my throat feeling raw as the salty tears burn my eyes. “I loved you. I would have done anything for you!” I grit the words through my clenched teeth and try to grip the chair as I stand on shaky legs.

  “I loved you so much. And this is how you treated our marriage. With lies and secrets and all this shit I don’t even know about.”

  “I’m sorry I kept that from you, but that was it.” He says “that was it” as if it’s easily accepted. As if he’s never told a lie or done anything else that would ruin us.

  “Liar! How much shit have you gotten into at work?” I let the words tumble from my mouth, all the rage coursing through my blood. “But you kept at it. You were never going to stop until something made you. You didn’t give a shit about me or what it did to us!”

  “What kind of marriage is that!” As the words tear from my throat and Evan stares back at me a guilty man, the reality hits me like a bullet to the chest.

  I was blinded by my lust for him. Maybe even my love. Either way, I’ve been blind to the reality.

  But I want more. And I deserve better.

  “I love you,” he says like that’s the answer to all of this. Like it will save us.

  “You keep saying that, but I don’t think you know what it means.” Or maybe love just simply isn’t enough anymore.

  “What really gets me,” I take in a long, ragged breath, finally taking a step toward him but immediately stop when he does the same.

  Standing across from him in the small office I look him in the eyes and get what I’ve been thinking about out of me. “You saw her all the time. You were with her at every function.” My voice lowers as I add, “Even I was with her all the damn time. And you didn’t bother to tell me.”

  “What happened was a mistake for her too.”

  “Don’t talk to me like she wasn’t some homewrecking whore. She was married! And she knew we were together. How could you? How could you stand to be around her!”

  “I was working. If you’ll recall, you were broke and we needed money. What was I supposed to do? Quit?”

  “Does your boss know?” His expression turns to stone, although he looks more pissed off than anything else. “Does James know?” I ask him again.

  “I don’t know.”

  It’s silent as I breathe out a huff of disgust.

  “I’m sorry. I fucked up years ago.”

  “It wasn’t just years ago. Every damn day you went back was a mistake. Every day you kept it from me was a mistake!”

  “What part of it being my job don’t you get?” he asks me in a low voice full of anger as he takes another step forward.

  “You could have gotten another job.” All I can see is red. The words come out automatically, but my mind is r
acing. My breathing is heavy.

  “Who was going to hire me?” he asks me, his shoulders rising faster as his breathing gets heavier. “You were just starting out and needed every penny I could earn.”

  “Don’t act like you did this for me!” I spit at him with anger. My hand beats on my chest. “Don’t you dare blame this on me!”

  Tears prick my eyes as he stares at me without saying a word.

  Shame and guilt heat my body. Both of us are raging with emotion. Both of us want to tear the other person apart. That realization is all I can take. Tears spill over and I have to turn away from him. With my back to him, he tries to touch me and I rip my arm away from him. I shake my head and firm my resolve.

  “Please leave me alone. I’m begging you, Evan. If you love me, please get away from me.”

  Chapter 20

  Evan

  * * *

  There’s no hope in the darkness,

  No light to move toward.

  There’s no way to ease the pain,

  No forgiveness she can afford.

  The truth I cannot change,

  I’m a sinner and I confess.

  But I refuse to let her go,

  She’s my love and nothing less.

  I love you, Kat, and I’m sorry.

  I text her again, the cellphone screen lighting up the dark bedroom in Pops’ house, my old bedroom. The stupid posters reflect the light that scatters into the room in stripes from the blinds on the window. The sound of the traffic is louder here and everything about it reminds me of the life I used to lead. The one before Kat. The one I’m so damn ashamed of now.