Damaged

by Willow Winters

  “Not the best,” I answer him. I try to find that anger, I remember everything as my eyes shift to the entrance to the dining room, but there’s not an ounce of anger that will come to my rescue.

  “I miss you,” he says as the last word spills from my lips. He doesn’t try to hide the desperation.

  “I miss you too,” I admit, letting my words crack and then lick my lips.

  “Things have gotten rough, but I never stopped loving you.” His words are raw, coming from a damaged man. “You’re the only thing that matters.”

  “What you say is so right, Evan. But it’s what you’ve done that makes it impossible for me to stay with you.”

  His boots smack on the hardwood floor as he makes his way to me. And I don’t move. I don’t object. I even lean into him slightly when he sits down next to me. At first he’s pointed away, his elbows on his knees but then he looks at me with a hurt in his eyes that makes me inch closer to him, and he does the same.

  I may be angry about what he’s done. What I’ve done as well. But no amount of anger can outweigh the pain we both feel in this moment.

  The pain from knowing we’re damaged beyond repair.

  “Will you ever forgive me?” he asks me and then takes a chance, moving his large hand to my thigh and gently rubbing his thumb back and forth.

  “I already have,” I tell him and feel slightly less strong. Weak for being okay with what’s happened. Or at least for accepting it.

  “Do you just not love me anymore then?” he asks me, his eyes piercing into mine and holding me captive.

  My lungs stay still and the words hang on the tip of my tongue. They’re too afraid to leave me. I’m so weak for him, so bendable and disposable. If I admit such a flaw, he may never give me a fighting chance for something more.

  And what’s worse, I may be content with that.

  “Please just tell me you love me,” Evan whispers. “I know I fuck up, more than I should. But please don’t stop loving me.”

  “I’ve never felt so alone,” I tell him and mean every word. It’s one thing to be left alone. It’s quite another to choose it. And in this moment, I don’t want it. I don’t want to be alone another day, but I know I have to.

  “I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be mad at you,” I tell him, wiping from under my eyes and leaning my body into his. He kisses my forehead before enveloping me into his arms. And I let him. My biggest flaw.

  “Then don’t,” he whispers and then pulls away to look down at me, waiting for my eyes to meet his. “Forgive me, please,” he says and when I look to him, his dark hazel eyes beg me. His voice is raw and full of nothing but pain and remorse. “For everything. For being so stupid. For putting you through all this shit.”

  The question is right there, right on the tip of my tongue. I should ask, I should know what he’s hiding. But the look in his eyes is so familiar.

  “I meant what I said,” I tell him. “I need you to leave.”

  “But you still love me?” he asks me even though it comes out as a statement.

  My body heats, my breath stutters and the words get caught in my throat, refusing to come out. I’m on the edge of leaving him, of ruining this man I love so much.

  “Yes, I love you so much,” I admit and the confession is like a weight off my chest, but one that only leaves a gaping, painful hole in its absence.

  “I can fix this,” he tells me.

  “I need you to leave, Evan,” I plead with him weakly.

  “Just give me time.”

  “We’re separated, Evan. That’s what that means.” A small laugh bubbles from my lips but it’s sad and pathetic.

  “I don’t want this. Please, Kat.” Evan closes his eyes and buries his face in the crook of my neck. I’ve never seen him so weak. So desperate for mercy.

  And I’ve never wanted to forgive so badly in my life. But it’s not forgiveness that I need. It’s a different life. And I won’t get that with him.

  “I’m sorry.” My lips move but the words aren’t audible, and I have to say it again.

  His fingers dig into me, holding me closer and tighter, as if the moment he loosens them, I’ll leave his grasp forever.

  “I’m sorry, but it’s what I want,” I tell him and I’ve never heard such a horrible lie in my life. But he nods his head, pulling away slightly although still refusing to let go.

  “It’s what I deserve,” he says beneath his breath. His eyes are glossy and his breathing slower as he looks away from me, still holding on but trying to gather the strength to say something. I don’t trust myself to speak. So I just wait, praying for this moment to be over. Praying for something better to come once this has all left me. But how? I have no idea. I’ve never felt so dead inside.

  “One last time. Please, just once more. I love you Kat, I swear I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. And maybe it’s not enough to keep you, but for tonight?”

  Again I don’t trust myself to speak. I’m not sure what words would pass through my lips. But I know what I want and I lean forward to take it, spearing my fingers through his hair and pressing my lips to his. It’s only when I feel the wetness against our lips that I realize I was crying.

  I let him hold me, and I try my best to remember every detail.

  The way he smells, masculine like fresh pine and dew.

  The way his heart beats just a bit faster than mine as I rest my palm against his hard chest.

  I try to remember everything. I pray that I will, because even though he said he can make it right, I know he can’t. I know that time will aid in the distance growing. I know we’re leading two different lives.

  I know I need more, and that I deserve someone who won’t hide things from me and make me feel like I’ve lost myself.

  So I need to remember this, because I want it to be the last time.

  Not for him, not for us, but for me.

  Chapter 24

  Evan

  * * *

  Don’t throw me away, don’t tell me you’re through.

  Don’t stop loving me, I can’t live without you.

  That ring on your finger, that makes you my wife.

  You’re my everything, my love and my life.

  I didn’t mean it when I said one last time. I was just desperate for more. All I have to do is be next to her when she needs a single thing. Anything. Just one small crack in her armor. At least that’s what I keep hoping for.

  It’s what’s keeping me from dissolving into the nothingness I feel.

  I wonder if she’ll get over me before that time comes. If the few years we had together was enough to make her love me even when she doesn’t want to. That’s all I keep thinking about as I stare at her sleeping form. There’s only a sheet over her gorgeous body, hiding it from me. Her back is toward me as she lies on her side, her hair fanned out along the pillow. I’ve been awake for hours; I’m not even sure I slept at all.

  It feels like it’s over, but that can’t be true. I can’t just let her go this easily. But somehow it doesn’t feel like letting her go. It feels like I don’t have her anymore. Like I don’t even have the option to keep her anymore.

  A sudden buzz from my phone vibrating on the nightstand strips my thoughts from me and makes Kat stir next to me.

  I keep my eyes on her as I reach for it. She slowly turns to look over her shoulder and then looks away, pulling the sheet tighter around her. Closing herself off from me.

  My chest feels heavy as I let it sink in that she doesn’t belong to me anymore. The bed dips as Kat pulls the sheet with her and walks to the bathroom.

  I would think my life couldn’t get any lower than this, but the text from James mocks that thought.

  There’s still so much shit that I need to fix and make right. So much damage I’ve caused that’s leaving cracks under each and every footstep I take.

  Come to the office.

  I stare at the text as I hear Kat flick on the light switch in the bathroom, the light filterin
g from under the closed door. She turns on the water as I put the phone down.

  James can go fuck himself.

  It’s like he knew I’d think that. ‘Cause the second the phone drops to the nightstand, it goes off again.

  It’s not about work. You know what it’s about.

  I was given new information today.

  The texts come one after the other in rapid speed and it makes adrenaline slowly pour into my veins, breathing life into me.

  The sound of the bathroom door opening and the light switching off forces me to look up at Kat. She slipped on a robe in the bathroom. It’s some sort of black and pink kimono from a bachelorette party I think. I’ve never seen her wear it but it’s been hung up by the towels for years. I guess it’s all she could find in there to hide herself from me.

  She doesn’t return my gaze and I can already see that she regrets last night.

  Our last night.

  I refuse to let it be true. I refuse to give up. But I’ll give her time since that’s what she thinks she needs.

  “You can come whenever you need to,” she says and then pulls a shirt over her head as she lets the robe fall into a puddle around her feet. The sight would make my dick hard as steel if it weren’t for the words that hit me at full force. “To get whatever you need or want.”

  “You really want me to go?” I ask her even though I know I need to leave regardless of what she tells me. I need time to sort my shit out and get my life to be the one that belongs beside hers.

  I wish she’d lie to me. I can see it in her eyes, her posture; I can hear it in her voice that she needs me to go. Tell me a pretty lie, Kat. Make me believe you still want me.

  “I think it’s for the best,” she says as her eyes flicker from me to the door and she pushes her hair out of her face. She looks so worn out. She’s tired of my bullshit.

  “I just want to be happy and I feel like we’re so used to being something else that it’s not going to work.”

  The argument stirs in my chest, but she’s right in a way and I know I can prove to her that we’re going to be fine. I just need time. “I’ll go now, but I’m coming back when I fix things.”

  “That’s what you do, isn’t it? You fix things?” Fixer. That’s what they call this job, but really I’m supposed to prevent anything from breaking. There’s a small huff of a laugh that leaves her, but it’s not the joyous sound I’ve grown to love so much. And it’s because of me. I’m the one that broke our marriage.

  “I know we grew apart, but we’re still together. Even if you want to pretend like we’re not for a little while,” I tell her. I take a step to go to her, but she shakes her head slightly, crossing her arms and taking a step back.

  “It was only one last time, Evan.”

  My mouth falls open just slightly for me to tell her last night wasn’t the last time. I won’t let it be. But the words don’t come out. There’s no conviction in my thought.

  My eyes close as the phone in my hand buzzes again and I don’t miss how Kat looks at it, a question in her eyes.

  “It’s James.” I answer her unspoken question

  She chews the inside of her cheek and doesn’t acknowledge me in the least.

  “I quit and I’ve just got to sign some paperwork.” The lie slips out so easily. I’m almost ashamed at how easy it’s become to hide the bullshit from her and disguise it as something normal and relatable.

  I don’t know if she can tell I’m lying, or if she just doesn’t care anymore. She leaves me alone with nothing but a small nod in the bedroom we built together.

  My blood turns cold and I stare at the open door. The pictures from the hall taunt me. I can hear the laughter. I can remember the softness of her skin when they were taken.

  The phone goes off again and it pisses me off.

  I grit my teeth as I read the messages.

  Get here in the next hour.

  Out of spite, there’s no fucking way I’ll be at his office by then. And I make sure to hit the message so he knows I read it. He can wait.

  Chapter 25

  Kat

  * * *

  Without the truth, there is no trust.

  Without the truth, there is no us.

  No way to move forward, just stuck in the past.

  This marriage is damaged, there’s no way it can last.

  It’s supposed to hurt this much. I keep telling myself that over and over again.

  That’s what a breakup is. It’s pain. It’s removing someone you once loved from your life. Erasing them as if they don’t exist. As if they’ve died. And that’s the most painful thing one can experience.

  That’s why it hurts so much. Because I’m supposed to be in agony.

  “You look so tired,” I hear Jules say before she rests her hand on my shoulder. Standing in my small kitchen, with its clutter and a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, she looks so out of place here. “Are you alright?” she asks me softly.

  Before I can answer, the sounds of Maddie and Sue laughing over something drift into the room. The wine has been flowing, and half of the only remaining box of pizza is left on the counter. It’s what I said I came in here for, but really I’d just remembered my time with Evan last night and then this morning. And I just wanted to be alone for a minute.

  “You can tell me anything, Kat,” Jules says in a voice so full of empathy. I’ve always loved the person she is. But never more than now.

  “I don’t think I am alright and I don’t know if I ever will be,” I tell her and then arch my neck to stare at the ceiling, keeping my eyes open and trying not to cry.

  “Is it normal to cry so much?” I ask her. “To be this emotional and this exhausted?”

  “When you lose someone you love, yes.” She says the words so easily, sending a wave of calm through my body, but even that makes me feel that much more exhausted.

  “I just wish I was past this stage.”

  “It’ll happen before you know it. One day, the reminders won’t hurt so badly. The mention of his name won’t cut you to shreds. One day it’ll feel like it’s supposed to be this way.”

  “But I don’t know if it is,” I confess to her and then hear Sue walk in from the dining room.

  Her wine glass clinks on the counter as she sets it down. And then she catches a glimpse of me, her expression morphing to one of sympathy. An expression I learned to hate growing up, but right now, while I’m weak and feeling so lost, it’s an expression that makes me lean into her when she opens her arms.

  “You’re alright, babe,” she says softly and wraps her arms around me.

  “Aw,” I hear Maddie coo as she makes her way into the room.

  “Let it all out,” Sue says but I shake my head, my hair ruffling on her shoulder as I sniffle. Sue smells like wine. She sways a little and squeezes me tight. She’s definitely more than tipsy.

  “I’m sorry guys. It wasn’t supposed to turn into this,” I say as I stand up straight and pull my shit together. Sue tries to hold on to me a little longer, but I push her away. I can handle this. At one point in my life I was so good at being alone.

  It takes a few deep breaths and Sue filling the empty glasses of wine on the counter for me to get over whatever this breakdown was.

  “Don’t be sorry. It’s a sad time no matter how much you don’t want it to be,” Maddie’s the first to say something and Jules nods. I expect a retort from Sue about celebrating or some shit like that, but she nods as well.

  “It’s going to be okay though,” Jules says and then Sue chimes in with, “You’ve got us, babe. We’ll always be here for you, and that’s all you need.”

  “Well maybe a vibrator too,” Sue adds a moment later and a genuine laugh erupts from my lips. It’s short and unexpected, and fills the room. But it felt so good to laugh. To smile. To feel anything other than this darkness that’s a constant shadow over me.

  “Do you want a glass?” Sue asks me, nearly spilling the wine from a glass filled too high as she tries to
hand it to me. I haven’t had a drink all night.

  “If I do, I’m going to pass out.” Just as I answer, another yawn hits me. “It’s been a while since I’ve been able to sleep.” Well not the nights Evan sleeps with me, but I can’t tell them that.

  “I’ll take it,” Maddie offers and immediately sets it back down on the counter.

  “So it’s really over?” Sue asks and then takes a sip. For the first time, I see something in her eyes I haven’t before. Not when it came to me and Evan. I see sorrow. Or maybe I just want to see it.

  I nod my head, ignoring how the emotions swell up again. I haven’t told them that he cheated on me back when we first started dating. I can’t admit it. I don’t want to say the words out loud and make them real. I don’t want them to see him as a villain. I love him too much to paint him in that light. Or maybe it’s the shame that I still love him even after knowing what he did.

  “We’re just leading two different lives.” I shrug and add, “But we always were, you know?”

  “And he doesn’t want to change?” Maddie asks. There’s always hope in Maddie. And I wish I could hold on to that.

  “Men don’t change,” Sue says woefully. “I’m sorry. I’m doing it again,” she says, shaking her head. “Sometimes it still hurts, you know? And I don’t want you to go through what I did. I promise you, it’s the last thing I want for you.” Her voice gets a little tight, but she shakes it off quickly.

  I love Sue, and I remember how hard her divorce was on her. But I swear this is different. It has to be.

  “He said he wants to fix it,” I answer as I watch Maddie sip from the glass without picking it up. My lips tug into an asymmetrical smile for just a moment at the sight.

  “It’s not what he says.” The hardness in her voice is absent, but there’s still a finality in her statement. “Why would he change? He’s been this way for years. What would make him want something different?”