The Inspector-General

by Nicolai Vasilievich Gogol

  SERVANT. Well, all right. I'll tell him.

  The Servant and Osip go out.

  SCENE V

  Khlestakov alone.

  KHLESTAKOV. A bad business if he refuses to let me have anything. I'm so hungry. I've never been so hungry in my life. Shall I try to raise something on my clothes? Shall I sell my trousers? No, I'd rather starve than come home without a St. Petersburg suit. It's a shame Joachim wouldn't let me have a carriage on hire. It would have been great to ride home in a carriage, drive up under the porte-cochere of one of the neighbors with lamps lighted and Osip behind in livery. Imagine the stir it would have created. "Who is it? What's that?" Then my footman walks in (draws himself up and imitates) and an– nounces: "Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov of St. Petersburg. Will you receive him?" Those country lubbers don't even know what it means to "receive." If any lout of a country squire pays them a visit, he stalks straight into the drawing-room like a bear. Then you step up to one of their pretty girls and say: "Dee-lighted, madam." (Rubs his hands and bows.) Phew! (Spits.) I feel positively sick, I'm so hungry.

  SCENE VI

  Khlestakov , Osip, and later the Servant.

  KHLESTAKOV. Well?

  OSIP. They're bringing dinner.

  KHLESTAKOV (claps his hands and wriggles in his chair). Dinner, dinner, dinner!

  SERVANT (with plates and napkin). This is the last time the landlord will let you have dinner.

  KHLESTAKOV. The landlord, the landlord! I spit on your landlord. What have you got there?

  SERVANT. Soup and roast beef.

  KHLESTAKOV. What! Only two courses?

  SERVANT. That's all.

  KHLESTAKOV. Nonsense! I won't take it. What does he mean by that? Ask him. It's not enough.

  SERVANT. The landlord says it's too much.

  KHLESTAKOV. Why is there no sauce?

  SERVANT. There is none.

  KHLESTAKOV. Why not? I saw them preparing a whole lot when I passed through the kitchen. And in the dining-room this morning two short little men were eating salmon and lots of other things.

  SERVANT. Well, you see, there is some and there isn't.

  KHLESTAKOV. Why "isn't"?

  SERVANT. Because there isn't any.

  KHLESTAKOV. What, no salmon, no fish, no cutlets?

  SERVANT. Only for the better kind of folk.

  KHLESTAKOV. You're a fool.

  SERVANT. Yes, sir.

  KHLESTAKOV. You measly suckling pig. Why can they eat and I not? Why the devil can't I eat, too? Am I not a guest the same as they?

  SERVANT. No, not the same. That's plain.

  KHLESTAKOV. How so?

  SERVANT. That's easy. They pay, that's it.

  KHLESTAKOV. I'm not going to argue with you, simpleton! (Ladles out the soup and begins to eat.) What, you call that soup? Simply hot water poured into a cup. No taste to it at all. It only stinks. I don't want it. Bring me some other soup.

  SERVANT. All right. I'll take it away. The boss said if you didn't want it, you needn't take it.

  KHLESTAKOV (putting his hand over the dishes). Well, well, leave it alone, you fool. You may be used to treat other people this way, but I'm not that sort. I advise you not to try it on me. My God! What soup! (Goes on eating.) I don't think anybody in the world tasted such soup. Feathers floating on the top instead of butter. (Cuts the piece of chicken in the soup.) Oh, oh, oh! What a bird!—Give me the roast beef. There's a little soup left, Osip. Take it. (Cuts the meat.) What sort of roast beef is this? This isn't roast beef.

  SERVANT. What else is it?

  KHLESTAKOV. The devil knows, but it isn't roast beef. It's roast iron, not roast beef. (Eats.) Scoundrels! Crooks! The stuff they give you to eat! It makes your jaws ache to chew one piece of it. (Picks his teeth with his fingers.) Villains! It's as tough as the bark of a tree. I can't pull it out no matter how hard I try. Such meat is enough to ruin one's teeth. Crooks! (Wipes his mouth with the napkin.) Is there nothing else?

  SERVANT. No.

  KHLESTAKOV. Scoundrels! Blackguards! They might have given some decent pastry, or something, the lazy good-for-nothings! Fleecing their guests! That's all they're good for.

  The Servant takes the dishes and carries them out accompanied by Osip.

  SCENE VII

  Khlestakov alone.

  KHLESTAKOV. It's just as if i had eaten nothing at all, upon my word. It has only whetted my appetite. If I only had some change to send to the market and buy some bread.

  OSIP (entering) . The Governor has come, I don't know what for. He's inquiring about you.

  KHLESTAKOV (in alarm). There now! That inn– keeper has gone and made a complaint against me. Suppose he really claps me into jail? Well! If he does it in a gentlemanly way, I may— No, no, I won't. The officers and the people are all out on the street and I set the fashion for them and the merchant's daughter and I flirted. No, I won't. And pray, who is he? How dare he, actually? What does he take me for? A tradesman? I'll tell him straight out, "How dare you? How—"

  The door knob turns and Khlestakov goes pale and shrinks back.

  SCENE VIII

  Khlestakov , the Governor, and Dobchinsky.

  The Governor advances a few steps and stops. They stare at each other a few moments wide-eyed and frightened.

  GOVERNOR (recovering himself a little and saluting military fashion). I have come to present my compliments, sir.

  KHLESTAKOV (bows). How do you do, sir?

  GOVERNOR. Excuse my intruding.

  KHLESTAKOV. Pray don't mention it.

  GOVERNOR. It's my duty as chief magistrate of this town to see that visitors and persons of rank should suffer no inconveniences.

  KHLESTAKOV (a little halting at first, but toward the end in a loud, firm voice). Well—what was—to be— done? It's not—my fault. I'm—really going to pay. They will send me money from home. (Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.) He's most to blame. He gives me beef as hard as a board and the soup—the devil knows what he put into it. I ought to have pitched it out of the window. He starves me the whole day. His tea is so peculiar—it smells of fish, not tea. So why should I— The idea!

  GOVERNOR (scared). Excuse me! I assure you, it's not my fault. I always have good beef in the market here. The Kholmogory merchants bring it, and they are sober, well-behaved people. I'm sure I don't know where he gets his bad meat from. But if anything is wrong, may I suggest that you allow me to take you to another place?

  KHLESTAKOV. No, i thank you. I don't care to leave. I know what the other place is—the jail. What right have you, I should like to know—how dare you?— Why, I'm in the government service at St. Petersburg. (Puts on a bold front.) I—I—I—

  GOVERNOR (aside). My God, how angry he is. He has found out everything. Those damned merchants have told him everything.

  KHLESTAKOV (with bravado) . I won't go even if you come here with your whole force. I'll go straight to the minister. (Bangs his fist on the table.) What do you mean? What do you mean?

  GOVERNOR (drawing himself up stiffly and shaking all over). Have pity on me. Don't ruin me. I have a wife and little children. Don't bring misfortune on a man.

  KHLESTAKOV. No, i won't go. What's that got to do with me? Must I go to jail because you have a wife and little children? Great! (Bobchinsky looks in at the door and disappears in terror.) No, much obliged to you. I will not go.

  GOVERNOR (trembling). It was my inexperience. I swear to you, it was nothing but my inexperience and insufficient means. Judge for yourself. The salary I get is not enough for tea and sugar. And if I have taken bribes, they were mere trifles—something for the table, or a coat or two. As for the officer's widow to whom they say I gave a beating, she's in business now, and it's a slander, it's a slander that I beat her. Those scoundrels here invented the lie. They are ready to murder me. That's the kind of people they are.

  KHLESTAKOV. Well. I've nothing to do with them. (Reflecting.) I don't see, though, why you should talk to me about your scoundrels or officer's widow. A
n officer's widow is quite a different matter.— But don't you dare to beat me. You can't do it to me—no, sir, you can't. The idea! Look at him! I'll pay, I'll pay the money. Just now I'm out of cash. That's why I stay here—because I haven't a single kopek.

  GOVERNOR (aside). Oh, he's a shrewd one. So that's what he's aiming at? He's raised such a cloud of dust you can't tell what direction he's going. Who can guess what he wants? One doesn't know where to begin. But I will try. Come what may, I'll try—hit or miss. (Aloud.) H'm, if you really are in want of money, I'm ready to serve you. It is my duty to assist strangers in town.

  KHLESTAKOV. Lend me some, lend me some. Then i'll settle up immediately with the landlord. I only want two hundred rubles. Even less would do.

  GOVERNOR. There's just two hundred rubles. (Giving him the money.) Don't bother to count it.

  KHLESTAKOV (taking it). Very much obliged to you. I'll send it back to you as soon as I get home. I just suddenly found myself without— H'm— I see you are a gentleman. Now it's all different.

  GOVERNOR (aside). Well, thank the Lord, he's taken the money. Now I suppose things will move along smoothly. I slipped four hundred instead of two into his hand.

  KHLESTAKOV. Ho, osip! (Osip enters.) Tell the servant to come. (To the Governor and Dobchinsky.) Please be seated. (To Dobchinsky.) Please take a seat, I beg of you.

  GOVERNOR. Don't trouble. We can stand.

  KHLESTAKOV. But, please, please be seated. I now see perfectly how open-hearted and generous you are. I confess I thought you had come to put me in— (To Dobchinsky.) Do take a chair.

  The Governor and Dobchinsky sit down. Bobchinsky looks in at the door and listens.

  GOVERNOR (aside). I must be bolder. He wants us to pretend he is incognito. Very well, we will talk nonsense, too. We'll pretend we haven't the least idea who he is. (Aloud.) I was going about in the performance of my duty with Piotr Ivanovich Dobchinsky here— he's a landed proprietor here—and we came to the inn to see whether the guests are properly accommodated— because I'm not like other governors, who don't care about anything. No, apart from my duty, out of pure Christian philanthropy, I wish every mortal to be decently treated. And as if to reward me for my pains, chance has afforded me this pleasant acquaintance.

  KHLESTAKOV. I, too, am delighted. Without your aid, i confess, I should have had to stay here a long time. I didn't know how in the world to pay my bill.

  GOVERNOR (aside). Oh, yes, fib on.— Didn't know how to pay his bill! May I ask where your Honor is going?

  KHLESTAKOV. I'm going to my own village in the government of Saratov.

  GOVERNOR (aside, with an ironical expression on his face). The Government of Saratov! H'm, h'm! And doesn't even blush! One must be on the qui vive with this fellow. (Aloud.) You have undertaken a great task. They say travelling is disagreeable because of the delay in getting horses but, on the other hand, it is a diversion. You are travelling for your own amusement, I suppose?

  KHLESTAKOV. No, my father wants me. He's angry because so far I haven't made headway in the St. Petersburg service. He thinks they stick the Vladimir in your buttonhole the minute you get there. I'd like him to knock about in the government offices for a while.

  GOVERNOR (aside). How he fabricates! Dragging in his old father, too. (Aloud.) And may I ask whether you are going there to stay for long?

  KHLESTAKOV. I really don't know. You see, my father is stubborn and stupid—an old dotard as hard as a block of wood. I'll tell him straight out, "Do what you will, I can't live away from St. Petersburg." Really, why should I waste my life among peasants? Our times make different demands on us. My soul craves enlightenment.

  GOVERNOR (aside) . He can spin yarns all right. Lie after lie and never trips. And such an ugly insignificant-looking creature, too. Why, it seems to me I could crush him with my finger nails. But wait, I'll make you talk. I'll make you tell me things. (Aloud.) You were quite right in your observation, that one can do nothing in a dreary out-of-the-way place. Take this town, for instance. You lie awake nights, you work hard for your country, you don't spare yourself, and the reward? You don't know when it's coming. (He looks round the room.) This room seems rather damp.

  KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it's a dirty room. And the bugs! I've never experienced anything like them. They bite like dogs.

  GOVERNOR. You don't say! An illustrious guest like you to be subjected to such annoyance at the hands of —whom? Of vile bugs which should never have been born. And I dare say, it's dark here, too.

  KHLESTAKOV. Yes, very gloomy. The landlord has introduced the custom of not providing candles. Sometimes I want to do something—read a bit, or, if the fancy strikes me, write something.— I can't. It's a dark room, yes, very dark.

  GOVERNOR. I wonder if i might be bold enough to ask you—but, no, I'm unworthy.

  KHLESTAKOV. What is it?

  GOVERNOR. No, no, i'm unworthy. I'm unworthy.

  KHLESTAKOV. But what is it?

  GOVERNOR. If i might be bold enough—i have a fine room for you at home, light and cosy. But no, I feel it is too great an honor. Don't be offended. Upon my word, I made the offer out of the simplicity of my heart.

  KHLESTAKOV. On the contrary, i accept your invitation with pleasure. I should feel much more comfortable in a private house than in this disreputable tavern.

  GOVERNOR. I'm only too delighted. How glad my wife will be. It's my character, you know. I've always been hospitable from my very childhood, especially when my guest is a distinguished person. Don't think I say this out of flattery. No, I haven't that vice. I only speak from the fullness of my heart.

  KHLESTAKOV. I'm greatly obliged to you. I myself hate double-faced people. I like your candor and kind-heartedness exceedingly. And I am free to say, I ask for nothing else than devotion and esteem—esteem and devotion.

  SCENE IX

  The above and the Servant, accompanied by Osip. Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.

  SERVANT. Did your honor wish anything?

  KHLESTAKOV. Yes, let me have the bill.

  SERVANT. I gave you the second one a little while ago.

  KHLESTAKOV. Oh, i can't remember your stupid accounts. Tell me what the whole comes to.

  SERVANT. You were pleased to order dinner the first day. The second day you only took salmon. And then you took everything on credit.

  KHLESTAKOV. Fool! (Starts to count it all up now.) How much is it altogether?

  GOVERNOR. Please don't trouble yourself. He can wait. (To the Servant.) Get out of here. The money will be sent to you.

  KHLESTAKOV. Yes, that's so, of course. (He puts the money in his pocket.)

  The Servant goes out. Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.

  SCENE X

  The Governor , Khlestakov and Dobchinsky.

  GOVERNOR. Would you care to inspect a few institutions in our town now—the philanthropic institutions, for instance, and others?

  KHLESTAKOV. But what is there to see?

  GOVERNOR. Well, you'll see how they're run—the order in which we keep them.

  KHLESTAKOV. Oh, with the greatest pleasure. I'm ready.

  Bobchinsky puts his head in at the door.

  GOVERNOR. And then, if you wish, we can go from there and inspect the district school and see our method of education.

  KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, if you please.

  GOVERNOR. Afterwards, if you should like to visit our town jails and prisons, you will see how our criminals are kept.

  KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, but why go to prison? We had better go to see the philanthropic institutions.

  GOVERNOR. As you please. Do you wish to ride in your own carriage, or with me in the cab?

  KHLESTAKOV. I'd rather take the cab with you.

  GOVERNOR (to Dobchinsky). Now there'll be no room for you, Piotr Ivanovich.

  DOBCHINSKY. It doesn't matter. I'll walk.

  GOVERNOR (aside, to Dobchinsky). Listen. Run as fast as you can and take two notes, one to Zemlianika at the hospital, the other to my wife. (To Khlestakov.
) May I take the liberty of asking you to permit me to write a line to my wife to tell her to make ready to receive our honored guest?

  KHLESTAKOV. Why go to so much trouble? However, there is the ink. I don't know whether there is any paper. Would the bill do?

  GOVERNOR. Yes, that'll do. (Writes, talking to himself at the same time.) We'll see how things will go after lunch and several stout-bellied bottles. We have some Russian Madeira, not much to look at, but it will knock an elephant off its legs. If I only knew what he is and how much I have to be (on) my guard.

  He finishes writing and gives the notes to Dobchinsky. As the latter walks across the stage, the door suddenly falls in, and Bobchinsky tumbles in with it to the floor. All exclaim in surprise. Bobchinsky rises.

  KHLESTAKOV. Have you hurt yourself?

  BOBCHINSKY. Oh, it's nothing—nothing at all— only a little bruise on my nose. I'll run in to Dr. Hübner's. He has a sort of plaster. It'll soon pass away.

  GOVERNOR (making an angry gesture at Bobchinsky. To Khlestakov) . Oh, it's nothing. Now, if you please, sir, we'll go. I'll tell your servant to carry your luggage over. (Calls Osip.) Here, my good fellow, take all your master's things to my house, the Governor's. Anyone will tell you where it is. By your leave, sir. (Makes way for Khlestakov and follows him; then turns and says reprovingly to Bobchinsky.) Couldn't you find some other place to fall in? Sprawling out here like a lobster!

  Goes out. After him Bobchinsky. Curtain falls.

  ACT III

  SCENE I