“No, it’s fine. Really. Thank you for coming.” I hug him tightly. We are in the hotel lobby. He has to catch the plane back, and he already bought me a ticket to come back on Friday.
“Of course, anytime.” He hugs me back. I relax into him as his heart beats against my cheek.
I don’t want to let go of him, and I don’t want him to leave either. I feel helpless and confused. More than I should.
“I’ll call you, check in.” He kisses the top of my head, and we pull away from each other.
“Okay.” My palms press on his chest as I lean up to look at him.
He smiles down at me, and I smile back. I feel better knowing my dad is stable. I’m going back for dinner once Carson leaves, and I get more clothes from a store once I find it. The only thing killing my head is the confusion about Carson.
“You okay?” He tilts his head at me.
I curl my lips inward. “I’m figuring out whether I should kiss you or not. I mean, will we ever have that talk or should we just move on?” My brows raise with the sudden worry.
“Emily.” He shakes his head at me. Instead of talking, he cups my cheek and tilts my lips to his and kisses me softly.
His lips are a whisper on mine, a silent reminder that he is here. I barely part my lips to kiss him back before he pulls away. I still can’t process kissing him, let alone having sex with him last night. But here I am doing it again because nothing is telling me not to. The positive outweighs the negative—it always has with him.
The kiss breaks, and I go back to looking into his sharp, gray eyes.
“We’ll talk after you take care of your dad. I have to get going.” He steps back.
“But you’ll call?” I roll my eyes at myself. I sound stupid. I sound… beggy.
“Yeah, Emily. I’ll call. Don’t get worked up over your dad, he’s fine. It’s all fine. I’ll see you soon.” He winks at me and is out the revolving door before I can blink.
I stare after him deciding whether or not I should think about how I am watching him leave or trying to figure out when I cared that he was leaving.
17
Carson
“You seem a little distracted.”
“I’m not.” A sigh escapes me, or more like I force it out. That’s been happening for the past three days because it’s like I can’t keep all my frustration in any longer since it comes from myself and the choices I have made in the last seventy-two hours.
“Kind of seems like it… that whole meeting went right over your head. Do you even know what we were talking about?” Holden talks to me as he pays more attention to what’s going on with his phone—since he’s typing I assume he is sending an email.
“Yeah, Lagos.” I lean back in the chair across from his desk crossing my ankle over my knee and rubbing at it like the answer will magically appear there. “We’re sending our reps out to survey for the next ten days.” I finish. I pay attention in meetings, I just may not always look like it.
“Okay. I’m not here to body check you, but you do seem like you have a lot on your mind?”
I almost laugh and look at Holden who looks way too serious as always. He at least looks a little brighter today in a gray suit with a blue shirt instead of the usual black and white. But that could be anything.
“I don’t,” I lie.
I have plenty on my mind. Not just Emily and her dad. Well, that’s mostly it. I’m glad I went with her at first just to see that she would be okay. I knew she shouldn’t be alone. When everything happened with Dad, she was there for me too.
Not quite as there as we were this time.
Now, three days later, I still can’t believe it actually happened. That we had sex. It’s not something I ever fantasized about at length, but it’s Emily—very beautiful and sexy—it crossed my mind. At first, I thought she was just very emotional, so I gave in to kissing her because she was right there, so close, and I couldn’t convince myself not to. Even if it wasn’t the best idea, crossing that line with my best friend, one that can’t be ignored—it didn’t feel like it. Bad wasn’t anything I thought about it, not at that time and not even now because it felt so good. Her lips on mine, her body against mine—it felt right. The only thing it feels now is unfortunate because I couldn’t bring myself to call her like I said, and I couldn’t answer when she did call. Only once a day, so twice now. But still, I couldn’t make the call. I couldn’t tell her I wasn’t sure what it would do to us. I wasn’t sure I could even tell her that it might have been a mistake.
I don’t know what to do.
“You know I can tell when you’re lying.”
“No, you can’t. You’re just really good at calling and making bluffs. It’s the only reason you’re a good businessman.”
He chuckles. “Really? Great, not good. But I know I’m right.”
I stifle a groan. He looks at me, and I stare back until I wipe my eyes and laugh once without any humor. If it were Evan or Dylan, I probably wouldn’t have given in so easily.
“Look, I’m only telling you this because you’re the only one who doesn’t beat me over the head with this stuff.”
He arches his brow and gestures his hand, obviously trying not to smile. He always gets what he wants, and it’s irritating, but it’s not like I can do anything about it.
“What stuff?” He leans on his forearms on his desk.
“About Emily.”
“Oh yeah, is her dad okay?” he piques.
I told him when we left the next morning and about her staying behind. I gave her at least a week of leave since she left, just to tell him when she might be back. I imagine she will want to stay as long as she can, but like most people, she likes her work and can’t be away from it that long.
“He’s fine. Old age sucks,” I scoff. Her dad was healthy, and he still had a stroke. Our dad was healthy too, maybe not perfectly but good enough. And still, he had a massive coronary.
“That’s true… so what about Emily? Isn’t she staying for a few more days?”
I nod. “Yeah, she is. I’m not sure.” My brows tighten together as I avoid his gaze looking past him to the skyline outside the window instead.
“How can you not be sure? You two talk to each other every day. I would assume even more since she’s worried about her dad.”
“Yeah, we might have.” I blow out a gush of air. My throat tightens at the thought of even admitting to it because now all it feels like is that I took advantage of her in some way—that I used her. Because that is what it seems like—after not calling or anything—when I said I would call her.
“Okay, you’re being cryptic.” He seems to give up on me when he starts looking at his desktop and scrolling.
I swallow back the forming lump in my throat when I look around like something will tell me an easier way of admitting this. His bar is the closest I get, always stocked with brandy or scotch. I get up to pour us both a glass despite it being only three in the afternoon.
“Uh, thanks.” Holden chuckles when I hand him the glass and gives me a funny look as he downs it the same time as me.
I sit back down and set the glass on the table with a clank.
“I had sex with Emily.” I choke back the after-shot burp and wait for his response.
“What, like in your dreams?” He laughs once.
I chew the inside of my cheek as I shake my head—not the response I was expecting.
“No, in real life. Monday night when we were in New York.” I kind of hold my breath as I wait for what he is going to say. Holden isn’t the oldest but talking about some things with him is like talking to Dad.
“What?” Holden snaps, screwing his face up as he looks at me. I shrug, I’ve said pretty much everything, and I know he heard me.
He comes around the desk even being all dramatic. When he sits on the chair next to me, he drags it closer to look right at me.
“You heard me.” I scratch at my jaw. I’ve foregone shaving the past few days because I just haven’t f
elt like it. I wake up every morning, and I tell myself I’m just going to call her and be her friend like I should be and like I always have been. But then I don’t. I tell myself I’ll do it later in the day or at night even. But every time I try to, it feels like I am quelling the urge to spill all my unwanted thoughts about what happened. About how I’m not sure what it will do to us or what it even means.
“Okay… yes, I heard you unfortunately. I wish I hadn’t, though.” Holden rubs through his hair and gauges my reaction.
“What?” I turn his question back on him.
“I’m sorry, it just…” He laughs, I mean really laughs. I pretty much want to leave when he goes on, but he manages to chill himself out.
“Emily, your best friend, Emily?”
I nod.
“When she was sick with worry over her dad and probably not in her right mind?”
I frown at him, and he just smiles to himself for stating the fucking obvious.
“She wasn’t…”
“How would you know? I mean, both of you are always screaming about how you don’t have feelings for each other. That you’re just friends. This isn’t…”
“Sex isn’t about feelings.” I drop my shoulder and lean back in the chair crossing my arms around my front.
“Spare me the sex is a distraction-tool argument, not in this situation. What did she say?”
“When?” I arch my brows at him.
“Uh, I don’t know… before, after?” He waves his hand at me, and I roll my eyes. I knew Holden would be the right one to tell, but he is also the only one who would do this to me—the interrogation. I don’t know, maybe I need it. It’s not like I thought of these things on my own.
I let out a shaky breath as I shake my head looking to the ceiling like the answer is there. I throw my hands up. “I don’t know.”
I try to think back, but it isn’t that hard. I can remember every second of it. There is not any blur like there is with every other woman I have been with.
“She was just talking to me about her dad. We were in bed together because a single king was all they had left. And at first it was just a kiss, then it was… I don’t know. It all kind of meshed together, but we were joking. Like we always are. It wasn’t… we were both just having fun. She wasn’t worried about her dad and going out of her mind.”
“Okay. And after?” Holden pries.
I hold back a groan and shake my head at him. He can be so irritating sometimes.
“We went to sleep, then we went to the hospital to see her dad. When I had to come back, I dropped her off and told her…” I swallow audibly, “… that I would call her,” I murmur.
Holden chuckles once. “So, she wasn’t weird about it or anything?”
“No, neither of us were. We went to see her dad like we planned and got back to the hotel. It didn’t feel weird either.” I haven’t figured out what that means yet, but the only explanation is that there is something there, and it sounds simple, but all it means for me is that my friendship with Emily isn’t as perfect and simple as it used to be, and I don’t know how long it has been that way.
“Fair enough. What has she said since then?”
I widen my mouth with a guilty face and glance over at him. He tilts his head at me with another one of his funny looks.
“You haven’t…”
“I haven’t exactly spoken to her since then,” I mumble.
Holden works a storm behind his eyes probably mad or disappointed in me. I don’t know.
“What the hell? Are you really telling me you said you would call and then didn’t? That’s elementary, Carson.”
“I know, I know, and I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, and I just… I don’t know what to say.” I shrug.
Holden laughs. “This isn’t a mistaken one-night stand, Carson. It’s your best friend. You have plenty to say.”
“I know, that’s the problem.” I raise my voice.
“Okay, look. This whole having sex thing, I don’t know if it’s a total mistake or not yet, but you’re going to make it one. Ask her about her dad. There is plenty to talk about.”
I roll my eyes at him being right.
“I know there is. And I know I need to check on her, but I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing.”
Holden gripes and shifts in his chair.
“Carson, you’re totally missing the picture here.”
“I’m not. We had sex, and I haven’t spoken to her since.”
“That’s not the picture. It’s that you had sex with your best friend when she was going through something, and you decided that being afraid of your own emotions was more important than being a friend to Emily, and that’s all she will care about. When you do pull your head out of your ass, all she will care about is that you weren’t there for her.” He exhales and gets up to refill our drinks knowing I would need one.
After he dumped that on me—the truth. Now I feel like shit. I suppose I knew that, deep in my thoughts that I buried down, but I didn’t think to acknowledge it, and I didn’t really want to either.
But he is right. Emily deserves more than me ignoring her, and not being a good friend. I want to do more for her too, and I wish I could be better. My throat burns when I take down another drink. I relax with the liquid ‘feel better’ going through my system. The pounding in my head goes down, and I rub at my temples. The cold glass numbs my fingers as I look down at the plain gray carpet and wish things were different.
I don’t regret having sex with Emily. If I did, I think that would make things easier on me, but it doesn’t. Right now, I regret this—being on the fence about doing something I used to be really good at, the only thing I would never question myself for.
“So, you’re going to call her, right?” Holden asks.
“I don’t know. Yeah, I am.” I correct myself when I see him glaring at me.
“Good. She told me she was back in town today, so she should be here Monday.”
“Really?” I ask him. He gets up and walks back his desk.
“Yeah, she told me,” he answers.
I check my phone but find nothing. I doubt she would tell me if I weren’t taking any of her calls either. She wouldn’t blow up my phone thinking I am ignoring her. That’s the last thing she would even think. She called me two or three times, and I didn’t answer, so I can almost be sure her first guess is that I am just busy with work. That hurts even more too—the fact that she trusts me, and I’m throwing it away because I can’t think straight.
I can’t let the dam burst and flood with the possibility that Emily might be more than just my friend.
18
Emily
I tell Dad to call me if he needs anything, but I know he won’t, so I will be calling him nineteen times a day until he changes his number on me or something. I hired three different nurses for throughout the day, so he won’t have to be alone. I wish I could be there instead of back at work. I love working, I love my job, and I miss it already. I wish he didn’t move to New York, then he wouldn’t be so far away. But he did, and I have to be an adult. I hired the best and most expensive in-home nurses because the last thing I could ever do is put my dad in some nursing home. It won’t put a dent in my pocket. I’m a single woman with savings who doesn’t travel and collects coupons. But it still doesn’t feel like enough. I miss him already, and I just got home.
For the first time, I stop and think about everything that has happened. But all that has happened besides Dad is Carson and me… I can’t believe we had sex, and I can’t believe I’m still thinking about it—not the logistics and whatnot—the actual thing itself.
Because it was amazing, it was better than I’ve ever had in my entire life. Carson wasn’t that much of a drifter in college. He stayed consistent with probably three or four women that I was also friends with, and I heard stories. But I thought they were just overcompensating because he is rich. It sucks, but women will ignore bad sex for a billionaire, at least the ones I knew. Any
way. Carson was mind-blowing.
He wasn’t just—it wasn’t just sex or a distraction. I felt connected to him. We always had a connection but not like that. Not the way it made me feel. Like I had been missing something, and I didn’t know that I was until we were kissing, and he was touching me like I have never really been touched before. I can still feel him in those few days I wasn’t at work. I could feel him touching me when I was alone and even when I was with someone else and not alone in the room.
He has invaded my mind in so many ways… ways he was never supposed to. It’s Carson, my best friend for practically my whole life. We were never… this was the last thing I expected to feel about him. Sometimes I thought our friendship would end one day, that maybe he would meet someone and hate that his best friend was a girl, and then we would drift apart. Or that I would meet someone, and they would do the same thing. I thought what made our foundation rocky would be anything other than getting too close, then being together like that.
I thought the distraction would work as just a kiss, but the kiss wasn’t a distraction. It made me think of everything. It made me face everything, and I only felt strong enough to do it because he was there. And then the overwhelming urge to have all of him—Carson is an incredibly hot dude. I’ve thought of him that way a fleeting number of times, but it was stronger at this point, it flooded my brain and made what was cloudy even more clear. And I had it with him, and for that moment in time, I felt like I could never need anything else. The last thing I wanted to do was tell him that. I was almost glad he had to go to work, and that he hadn’t called.
He always calls when he says he will, and he always makes promises and keeps them. The fact that he didn’t made me worry that he was having second or third thoughts he didn’t want to share with me, but so was I. I couldn’t imagine talking to him then or even now. All I know is that I miss him even for just the last three days. I miss him. I see him every day, hear his voice and his laugh every day, and I have been for years, so I didn’t know what I could be missing out on. But it seems like a lot.
Wilde About Carson: The Brothers Wilde Series — Book Three Page 14
