Loving Her

by Hutton, CM

  She held her hand up to me and tried to grin, but I saw the tears form in her eyes. “Rylan, I need to go home. I’ll call you later.” She grabbed her purse and headed for the door. But, I was in hot pursuit. She wasn’t going to run out on me!

  I grabbed her arm, spinning her around and said, “Jen, wait. What the hell is going on?” As soon as she turned I saw the tears running down her face. “Please, baby. Tell me what has you so upset.”

  She touched my cheek with her hand and said, “Rylan.” She closed her eyes, letting more tears escape then said, “I’m okay. I’m just not feeling well and it is making me do this.” She made a circling motion in front of her face. “I’m going to catch a cab and go home. Please, stay here. I don’t want to ruin the evening.” She leaned in and kissed my cheek, letting her lips linger for longer than normal. The feeling set off huge red flags, but I didn’t know why.

  “I’ll drive you home, baby. I can take care of you, make you feel better.”

  “No. Please stay with your family and enjoy the night….for me. Please.” She was practically begging.

  I didn’t understand. I looked back at Mia and Romyn and saw a strange look on both their faces. When I turned to Jen, she smiled a slight smile and said, “It’s fine. Really. Just go enjoy them.” This time she kissed my lips and said, “Good-bye.”

  I felt like someone kicked me in the balls. That word didn’t sound right for the situation, but before I could shake it off and move my feet, she was gone out the door. I ran past the bouncer and saw her jumping into a cab. She looked at me and tried to smile as she blew me a kiss. I waved some weird, hesitant wave, shook my head and walked back inside. What the hell had just happened?

  Chapter 21 – Jen

  Pain. That was all I felt. I sobbed all the way home in the cab. The driver kept looking at me in the mirror to see what the hell I was doing. Finally, he said, “Ma’am? Are you okay? Did that guy do something to you that I need to report or at least beat his ass over?”

  I couldn’t help the small laugh. “No. Just a bad night.”

  “If you say so.” He kept driving. In fact, I’m pretty sure he started driving faster to get me the hell out of his damn cab.

  I wanted to call Emily, but my emotions were too raw.

  He was married. But, she died…five years ago. And, I looked just like her. Mia told me. I could feel the bile rising in my throat.

  When I made my way to the bathroom, I was already feeling a little off. Mia was freaking me the hell out all evening. She kept staring at me. And, I didn’t miss her gasps and complete shock when I called Rylan ‘Ry’ or the weird deep breathing she was doing whenever Rylan touched me or I touched him. At first, I thought she just didn’t like me, but when I walked into the bathroom and saw her there…standing by the mirror….crying, and I knew something was very wrong.

  She turned to me, threw herself at me wrapping her arms around me and squeezed. “Mia?”

  She gasped and let go of me. “Oh, God, Jen. I’m sorry.”

  “What’s going on? Why are you in here crying?”

  “I’m sorry. I can’t.” She made a move to leave, but I blocked her way.

  “Please. Tell me. Is it me? You don’t like me?” My words weren’t harsh. They were almost a whisper.

  “Oh God no, Jen!” She covered her mouth. She shook her head and continued. “I think you’re so great. It’s just…” She started to cry again.

  “Mia? You’re scaring me a little. I want to help.”

  “Jen. I don’t know how to say this.”

  “Just say it and we will figure something out.”

  That’s when my whole world fell apart.

  Rylan had been married to his college sweetheart. She died not long after they married. They moved back to San Diego from New York when she got sick so they could be near family. Her name was Kristen and he loved her madly. He hadn’t dated anyone until now….until me. Mia was happy he was moving on until she saw me. I looked like Kristen. She didn’t want me to know, but she was there…in that bathroom…crying because her heart was breaking for me because I didn’t know….because I had no clue about her…..about Kristen. I wasn’t mad. No, I was completely devastated.

  I stood there and let the tears fall as Mia told me all of this. I felt my heart break, not just for me but for Rylan and all he had lost. Mia didn’t think he even consciously realized that I looked like her. She had known him long enough to be able to make that judgment. She and I stood in that bathroom and just cried until we knew we had to go back to the table.

  “Jen. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to leave. Stay. Please. You and Rylan can talk this all out tomorrow.”

  “No. I need to go, Mia. I need some time to process all this.” I paused. “Thank you. He is so lucky to have you in his life.” She started crying harder and reached to hug me.

  “Jen. I’m so sorry. I just wanted you to know…to be aware of what was happening. I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

  “Mia. It’s okay. I’ll be okay. Would you do me a favor?”

  “Anything.” She sobbed.

  “Just back me up when I tell him I’m leaving. I’ll say I feel sick and will catch a cab. Convince him to stay here with you guys to ‘visit’ with each other. Please.”

  “Of course, Jen. Here, let me call a cab for you before we walk out.”

  It wasn’t that she was eager to help me leave, but she seemed to know that it was a foregone conclusion that Rylan and I wouldn’t make it through this once he realized what he was doing….who I reminded him of. I didn’t blame her. No. I was grateful she shed some light on it before I fell even further in love with him. Yeah, no one needed to know that little tidbit; especially Rylan and his family.

  “Thanks, Mia.” I hugged her and smiled.

  We touched up our makeup and walked toward the boys. Rylan stood immediately and I knew he could see my distress. Play it cool, girl.

  I felt sad…sad for me and for Rylan. I couldn’t even begin to have angry feelings for a man that had lost so much. He didn’t mean for this to happen. He was just lost and I filled a huge whole in his life…in his broken heart because I looked like her. I wanted to stay and comfort him, but I wasn’t who he needed. I was a replacement and I didn’t want that for myself or Rylan.

  Leaving him standing there nearly broke me. He had no idea that when I said ‘good-bye’ I really meant it.

  After I got home, I packed my suitcase, made all the arrangements online and drove myself to the airport. I needed to get out of town for a while. I knew Rylan would come looking for me as soon as Mia talked to him and I just couldn’t look into his beautiful face, full of sadness and regret and know what I really was to him.

  I had plenty of vacation time to be gone for weeks since I’d never used any of my days. When you’re as driven as I was about establishing a career, you don’t stop and smell the roses. You work your ass off and let everyone else vacation. But, now…..I was fucking taking them.

  I was just checking my bags when I got a text. I knew who it was without looking, but I didn’t answer. Maybe he would assume I was asleep. My stomach ached for what was about to happen. Hell, I was still sore from making love to….no fucking….Rylan just a few hours ago and the thought made me feel nauseous.

  I made my way through security and felt more relaxed knowing he couldn’t get to me and change my mind. I was doing this for both of us.

  I worked up the courage to look at my phone.

  Rylan:

  Jen. Please tell me where you are.

  I’m sitting outside your door.

  Your car is gone and you aren’t

  answering. Please. I know

  why you’re running. I’m sorry.

  Wow. I didn’t think I could actually feel worse. But, I did and now I knew for sure that leaving was the right thing. He knew why I was running and all he could say was ‘I’m sorry.’

  My phone rang a few times, but I didn’t answer. I had nothing to say and I didn�
��t want to hear anything. He was sorry and that was that. Now that he consciously knew why he sought me out, he was sorry.

  I would call Emily in the morning…once I landed and I’d give her all the details of my night and like always, she would understand and go through hell to protect me…Cale too. Still, I couldn’t tell them where I was going. No one could know.

  As I boarded the plane and found my seat, I closed my eyes and let all the emotions sink in. I’d never feel his touch again, never kiss his lips again, never hear his voice whisper in my ear as he made me unravel….and I’d never recover from knowing Rylan Daniels and all that he meant to me.

  I slept from pure exhaustion until my plane landed. Grabbing my bags from the carousel, I made my way to the rental car booth and paid for my car. I stepped into the glorious tropical air and inhaled deeply. I felt a sense of calm wash over my wrecked body knowing that no one knew where I was.

  I drove to the condo I had rented…for a small fortune the night before…and just collapsed on the huge four poster bed. I curled into a ball and cried myself to sleep. I would get over Rylan Daniels…eventually.

  Chapter 22 – Rylan

  “YOU TOLD HER WHAT?” I was yelling a Mia.

  “First of all, it was NEVER your place to tell her about Kristen! And, secondly she does not look like her!”

  “Uh, dude she looks just like her. Open your eyes and face it. She was filling a void, man.” Romyn chimed in.

  I grabbed him by the collar and screamed, “FUCK YOU! You don’t know shit, dude!” The sarcasm was dripping off the word.

  Mia touched my arm and when I looked at her, she was crying, “Ry. Please listen. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you have to let her go. You are going to crush that girl and I know you don’t want to hurt her. I can see it in your eyes. Ry, she is the spitting image of Kristen and when you finally see it, it will completely destroy both of you. She deserves more that to be a replacement and you know it.”

  I felt my whole chest explode with emotion. No. I could never hurt Jen…not like that. I relaxed my grip on Romyn and turned to Mia. “What do I do? I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t let her go either. I really never realized she looked like Kristen, I swear. She’s different…” I bent my head and ran my fingers through my hair. “Oh dear God…what have I done? I….I ….can’t hurt Jen.”

  “I haven’t got a clue, Ry, but I know you care about her. Maybe take some time to really think about things. Give her some space and see what happens. I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t do it, Ry. She is a wonderful girl and she needed to know. I could see from the moment you guys walked into this club that you didn’t realize what was happening and neither did she.” Mia paused. “Then, I saw it.”

  “What, Mia? Saw what?” I was coming apart.

  “She’s falling in love with you, Ry, and I couldn’t sit back and watch two innocent people destroy each other. I’m sorry.”

  I gasped at the thought that Jen was in love with me. A few hours ago, I would have been thrilled, but now I just didn’t know how to feel. Was I really just using her? Did I even have feelings for Jen or was she a replacement like Mia said? Shit. I didn’t have a fucking clue.

  I hugged my sister-in-law and said, “I know you meant well. You love me and want what’s best. I just….I just thought I really cared about her and now…I don’t know. Maybe I was…” The words choked me. “…using Jen.”

  “Ry, you are a good man. You would never have done anything to purposely mislead Jen or anyone else. I just think you weren’t seeing what was happening.” Mia’s words didn’t make me feel any better.

  “No! I won’t believe that was what I was doing. How could I when I didn’t even realize she looked like Kristen? No! I don’t want to think that I would do that to someone.” I turned and left Romyn and Mia standing there at the table as I exited the club.

  I had to talk to Jen. I drove to her place as fast as I could. I needed to look her in the eyes and see if I was seeing Kristen or Jen. But, when I got there, no one answered the door and surveying the parking lot I saw that her car was gone. Shit! She’s running….from me.

  I sat down and texted her. I waited for several minutes, but she didn’t respond. I called her number and it rang a few times telling me it was still on, but it went to her voicemail. I hung up because I didn’t know what to say. Where was she and what the hell was going through her mind?

  Chapter 23 – Jen

  I woke up in the same clothes from the night before and felt the weight of what happened crush my chest. It was Saturday. I had envisioned this day as being filled with lots of incredible sex with Rylan after an incredible night out with his brother and sister-in-law. But, what I got was a huge slap of reality accompanied by a broken heart, an empty soul and a ravaged savings account.

  My body was in paradise, but my heart and soul were in pure hell. I got up, changed into my swim suit and called Emily.

  “Hey, girlie. What’s up?”

  Her cheerful voice had me breaking down in tears.

  “Shit, Jen. What’s going on?”

  I talked to Emily for the next few hours about everything that had happened over the last few days….Rylan, Jack, Romyn, Mia and Kristen.

  “Oh, God, Jen. I really don’t know what to say, babe. I will say that I am seeing Rylan in a whole new light. I feel awful for him. Do you really think he saw his wife in you? I mean, you were with him. Did you feel that at all?”

  “No. That’s just it, Em. I would have never guessed that he was pining for a dead wife and using me to heal his hurt….NEVER. I just don’t know what to believe anymore.”

  I started to cry again. “Jen, tell me where you are. Cale and I will come to you. We deserve a little vacay ourselves.” I laughed at the thought.

  “Em, I love you, but I think I need to really soak all this in and actual feel the feelings. If you guys are here, you will be jumping through hoops to make me smile.” She knew I was right.

  “Yeah, I get ya. But, at least tell me where you are. Someone needs to know.”

  “Promise me you won’t tell Rylan.” Emily was quiet for a second too long. “Forget it. You hesitated.”

  “NO! Shit. I just…I think you need to talk to each other….that’s all.” Emily was full of shit if she thought I’d tell her now.

  “Gotta go, Em. I’ll call in a few days.” As I hung up, I heard her yelling my name.

  I couldn’t even trust my best friends. It was a good thing I bought my ticket and hotel with an account no one could trace because between Em, Cale and Rylan, I’d be found in twenty-four hours.

  I walked to the beach and sat in a lounge chair just soaking up the glorious rays. My entire soul ached with sadness, but I had the comfort of knowing I could grieve my ‘almost’ relationship with Rylan without anyone knowing me or finding me. There was certainly something to be said about anonymity.

  I kept my phone close to me just in case I needed to torture myself with any texts or calls.

  Unfortunately, none ever came from the one person I wanted to hear from. I decided that was probably for the best, but it still hurt like hell.

  Late in the afternoon, I received a text from Jack.

  Jack:

  Okay. I’m done being pissed.

  I’m sorry for the nasty way I ended our

  last conversation. I like you, Jen and

  I just thought we had a connection.

  The thought of you going out with

  some other fucker kills me.

  Forgive me…..again?

  I can be a nice friend, I promise.

  I didn’t think I had the capacity to forgive Jack again in the middle of grieving the relationship with Rylan that never was. So, I just sat there staring at his text for a long time. Maybe what I needed was just a friend. Was Jack capable of that? Probably not, but what the hell.

  Jen:

  Jack. Let me be clear.

  I don’t want a relationship of

  any kind with yo
u….or anyone

  else right now. If you can be my

  friend, then fine. I’ll talk to you.

  Otherwise, stop contacting me.

  Jack:

  Okay. I can do that.

  Doubtful, but whatever. I just didn’t really care at the moment. I just wanted some peace and I needed to make peace with Jack. Throwing him a bone was all I could manage right now.

  I sat back and ordered another drink. I decided I was the most boring company ever. I needed to find something to fill my time in paradise….tomorrow I would.

  Chapter 24 – Rylan

  Crazy. I was going fucking crazy. Jen had been gone ‘God knows where’ for five days and not one person knew where she was. I went by her house twice a day to look for her. I needed to see her…desperately. I finally found her friend Emily’s number and even she didn’t know where Jen had gone. At first, I didn’t believe her, but when she broke down in tears about it all, I knew she was telling the truth. I was going mad thinking about the fact that she was ‘somewhere’ all alone and if anything happened to her, none of us would even know about it.

  The thought made me fucking insane. I had to figure out where she had gone. Not one text or call had been answered in a week. I finally had to call in a favor.

  “This is Ben.” Thank God.

  “Hey man. What’s happening?” I tried to play it cool.

  “Rylan. Dude…what up? How ya doing friend?” Ben Cavett was an old friend that I had gone to high school and college with. He was a good man and was an incredible support to me when Kristen was sick. I hadn’t talked to him a lot in the last few years. It was just too painful and he understood why.

  “I’m doing okay. Listen. Can you meet me for lunch? I need your help.” He didn’t hesitate.

  We met at a café near his office and I laid out all the details of what was happening in my life. He sat quiet for several minutes.

  “What are you thinking, Ben?”