Loving Her

by Hutton, CM

  On day three in the hospital, the doctors discovered an infection and had to wheel her back in for more surgery. It scared the hell out of all of us. I could even see the fear in the doctor’s eyes. I’d only seen that look on a doctor’s face once….when Kristen was sick and her doctor knew there was nothing else to save her. I hated being there in that fucking hospital and wanted to run, but I forced myself to stay and fight through my panic.

  When Jen finally opened her eyes a bit and called my name, I was so relieved. I talked to her for just a bit…long enough for the doctor to come in and give us all a thumbs up that she was going to be okay.

  And like the coward I was, I used that as my cue to leave. I didn’t think I could do it again. The emotion of watching someone you love suffer and knowing there was nothing you could do to stop it was just too overwhelming for my already fragile heart. I turned and left as everyone was talking to her.

  I sat in the parking lot of the hospital and let the tears fall. I had nearly lost Jen. I couldn’t allow myself to feel those heavy emotions again. So, I drove home and didn’t look back…like a fucking coward.

  Chapter 27 – Jen

  I tried to sleep, but I think my body was just sick of sleeping. I laid in my hospital bed and stared at the ceiling. I was all alone. Jack had been a good friend over the last few weeks and had even dropped everything to save me. I’d never forget that.

  I missed Rylan, but he obviously just wanted to check to see if I was alive and then move on with his life. I tried not to let the sickening thoughts poison my mind. I had to let him go…for both of us.

  I closed my eyes and forced myself to think about other things. I didn’t hear my hospital door open, but felt my bed dip slightly to the side. When I opened my eyes, there was Jack….sitting next to me and staring at my face.

  “Hey there, girlie. Doing okay?”

  I started to cry and Jack said, “I had a feeling I needed to come back and check on you. Shh….don’t cry. We don’t want you popping those stitches.” He reached up and ran his thumbs across my wet cheeks. “Has he come back?”

  “No. I don’t think he will.” I was sobbing. “I know it’s for the best, but it just hurts like hell. I’ll get over it, I know I will.”

  “Who are you trying to convince…me or you?” Jack smiled a crooked smile and it made me feel a little better.

  “Jack, don’t you have some hot woman to pursue tonight?” I was glad he came back to check on me, but I was certain he had other things to do.

  “Yep. And, right now, she is laid up in a hospital bed, crying her eyes out for some other guy and all I can do is just be her friend and try to tell her it’ll all be okay.”

  “Jack….” I started to again. “Thank you….for saving me…for caring….for just being my friend.”

  “Hey, what can I say?!? You’re a pretty amazing woman and I kinda like having you to talk to. So, hurry up and get better, ‘cause we are going out dancing as soon as you are well. Maybe you can help me pick up some other hottie that isn’t madly in love with another man.” He winked and leaned over to kiss my cheek.

  I wrapped my arms around his neck and whispered, “Thank you, Jack. I’ll never forget this…ever.”

  He let me hug him and just cry for several minutes. I could feel myself getting sleepy and Jack must have sensed it too. He pulled back and said, “Hey. Mind if I stay tonight? That really stiff armchair is just calling my name.”

  I let out a small laugh, then grabbed my side. “Shit, don’t make me laugh Jack Woods!”

  He winced then grinned, “Yeah, sorry. So, you want me to stay?”

  “You don’t have to, Jack. I’ll be okay…really. Just promise you’ll come back tomorrow and see me, okay?”

  “I don’t really want to leave you here alone tonight.” His face turned serious.

  “Jack, what am I gonna do? I’m not going to run away, hell I can’t even get out of bed to pee. I’ll be okay. Go. Go home and get some rest. I may need you sometime this week.”

  “Oh yeah? Well, I’d be happy to help you anyway I can. Okay...” He walked to the edge of my bed near my head, leaned down and kissed my forehead. “…I’ll be back in the morning. Sweet dreams, Girlie.”

  He turned to look at me one more time before he walked out the door and gave me a wink. Jack was turning out to be a pretty incredible friend. Who knew he had it in him?!?!

  I was never one to avoid being alone, but laying in the hospital all by myself was very depressing. I would never have admitted to Jack that I wanted him to stay. He had already done so much for me.

  I buzzed the nurse to ask for more pain meds and Nurse Gretchen came in to check on me.

  “Tell me where you are most in pain, Miss Bailey.” I pointed to my side and she moved the sheet to take a look.

  “Okay, let me get you a little something for the pain and to help you sleep.”

  “Gretchen, do you know when I’ll be able to go home?”

  “Well, it will be at least a few days. We need to make sure you don’t have any setbacks from the two surgeries.”

  “Two?”

  “Yes, two. You had a major infection after the first one that nearly took what life you had in you.”

  “Oh. No one told me.” I felt the blood drain from my face.

  “Well, you’re doing just fine right now, so just rest and let us take care of you so that you can leave this place as soon as possible, okay?” She might have been a burly sort of gal, but she was extremely kind.

  “Okay. Thank you, Gretchen.”

  “You bet. Now, I’ll be right back with some meds.” She smiled and walked out of my room.

  I was grateful to have her looking after me. It made me think of my mom and how much I missed her. She would have been right here by my side, pushing me to get better. The thought made me smile.

  By the time Gretchen came back, my pain was a bit worse, but she assured me that the IV medicine she was injecting would help almost immediately. I felt the slow build of the calming effect of whatever it was she gave me within seconds.

  “Now, sleep. I’ll check on you in a few hours.” She smiled and I closed my eyes.

  I heard her loud voice as she walked in the door….Em. She was way too cheery for me. “Wake up, Jen. How you feeling?”

  “I felt better before you came barging in here all loud and crazy.”

  “Well, I have great news! Your doctor is going to let you come home with us later today, so suck it up buttercup! We are here to rescue you!” I couldn’t help but to let out a gentle laugh.

  “Only you, Em, could convince a doctor to release me into your care right after having two surgeries.” Her face looked a little shocked.

  “Yes, I know about the second surgery. I’m sorry I scared everyone.” My sadness returned thinking about how this whole think must have been too raw for Rylan.

  Emily sat on the edge of my bed and grabbed my hand, “Well, you certainly freaked us out, but it wasn’t your fault.”

  We stared at each other for several long seconds. I held in my tears as best as I could. Finally, I asked, “So, when can I leave?”

  Emily cleared her throat, obviously as choked up as I was. “Doc said maybe around four o’clock. He wants to run a few tests before he lets you leave. Supposed to do them this morning so the results will be back after lunch.”

  “Okay.” I was so completely drained both physically and mentally. I was really looking forward to being with Emily and Cale and just letting them take care of me. They were my family, after all.

  “Listen, I’m going to go to your place and back up some stuff, grab your suitcase that Jack left there and we’ll be back this afternoon, okay?”

  “Yeah, okay. Thanks, Em.”

  Her smile fell just a bit. “Of course, babe. We love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  Em and Cale left and I spent the next several hours being wheeled around for different tests and made to get out of bed to go to the bathroom on my ow
n. It was painful, but I did it. My doctor prescribed all kinds of meds for me to take over the next week and had me make an appointment for a check-up in seven days. I figured I’d be at Em’s until then since I wasn’t able to work or drive until I was healed.

  I tried not to think about Rylan and the fact that he hadn’t tried to see me or contact me in any way since he walked out of my room a few days before. My heart ached to see him. I hadn’t actually looked him in the eyes in more than three weeks….since the night at the club. I missed him terribly, but there was nothing I could do about it.

  The first few days with Emily were really good. After about four, I was restless and ready to go home. She was worse than a mom. She smothered me with attention and I felt out of my mind.

  Jack texted several times to check on me and I vented my frustration to him about my temporary living arrangement.

  Jack:

  HAHA

  Hang in there, Girlie.

  You’ll be home soon.

  Just so you know, this is

  incredible entertainment for me!

  Jen:

  Yeah, Yeah! Laugh it up!

  You’d go nuts being in my

  shoes.

  See ya!

  Jack:

  You’re exactly right!

  By the way, I know you

  probably don’t want to hear

  this, but Rylan has been completely

  miserable. I think we both know why.

  Jen:

  Don’t Jack. I can’t.

  Jack:

  Okay.

  I felt my whole stomach lurch. I just couldn’t go there with my heart and mind. Rylan didn’t miss me. He wasn’t miserable because of me. It was just the situation…who I reminded him of.

  I walked into Em’s living room and announced, “I’m going home. I need my own bed and my space.” Emily started to interrupt me, but I held up my hand and said, “No! Please, Em. It’s not you guys. You have been so incredible to me, but I just want to go home. I promise I’ll take care of myself and I’ll call if I need you guys. So, come help me pack and call me a cab.”

  “Okay, Jen. But, no cab. Cale can take you.” She walked to me and hugged me. “I get it.”

  “Okay.” I went to pack my things and felt a sense of relief knowing I was going home and trying to find my ‘normal’ again.

  When I got home, I felt so much better. Well, until I looked around and saw reminders of the last time I’d been in my living room. I hadn’t slept at my house since Rylan and I made love the night my world fell apart.

  I shook my head and went to my room to unpack. I moved really slowly as I sorted all my things and tried to clean my house. After a few hours, I was so exhausted and sore, that I took some pain meds and laid on the couch to watch a movie. I might have overdone it a bit in my earnest to get back to normal. Shit!

  I dosed off staring at my boy Markie Mark and slept for a few hours. Around midnight, I woke up and tried to get up to go to my room. I was so sore, but managed to crawl in bed and cover up. I wanted another round of pain meds, but I couldn’t bring myself to get back up. I drifted off, trying not to move too much.

  I was awakened by a sudden sound in my room. I couldn’t move. There was no way my body could respond quickly to anything. I laid there terrified as someone sat on the edge of my bed.

  “Jen? Don’t be scared. It’s me.”

  I gasped. “Ry?”

  “Yes, baby. It’s me.”

  I tried to turn over gracefully, but the pain in my side prevented me from doing it without a moan.

  “Oh, God. Stop, Jen. You’re still in pain?” He asked.

  “Yeah, well I kinda overdid things today.”

  “Jen….” His voice came out as more of a reprimand.

  I made a move to sit up and he leaned down to stop me. He cupped his hands around my cheeks, leaned his forehead against mine and said, “I can’t baby.”

  I felt tears…his tears dripping from his eyes to my cheeks. “Can’t what, Rylan?” He leaned over and turned on my bedside light and I saw his face. He was a mess.

  “I can’t stop loving you, baby. Please don’t ask me to stop, Jen.” I gasped and started to cry.

  I pushed his face back further to look into his eyes, “Ry….I’m not her. I can’t be her.”

  “Baby…I know that. You’ve never been Kristen to me. I never saw you as her….never, baby. Please believe me.”

  He was crying as much as I was. “Ry, tell me what you want.”

  “I want you, Jen. Just you.” He carefully curled into my side and wrapped me into his arms. “I just want to be with you, baby.”

  “I want you too, Ry…so much, but I just don’t know how this will all work.” I couldn’t stop the tears.

  “Baby, you have to understand some things. Are you ready to hear about her….about Kristen?”

  I nodded my head, even though I didn’t really know if I could handle it.

  “Are you sure, baby? I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Yes, I’m sure. Please, Ry. Just tell me. I need to know and you obviously need me to hear.”

  “Baby, telling you is not going to make me run. I’m not so sure about you, but I’m here and I’m not going away.” I smiled slightly at his words.

  “Okay.” I was scared shitless about what was coming.

  Chapter 28 – Rylan

  I laid in bed with Butch curled up next to me, but couldn’t sleep. I felt horrible. She knew I was there in the hospital with her. She talked to me. But then I left…I abandoned her. She lying in that hospital bed all alone and the thought killed me. But, I had to get my head on straight before I could go back and talk to her and she needed time to heal.

  I kept tabs on her through Emily and Cale. They had been so great to let me know how she was doing. Hell, even Jack was giving me updates. I wanted her desperately, but I also needed time to make sure I was with her for all the right reasons that had nothing to do with Kristen.

  When Emily called to tell me Jen insisted on going home and starting over, I lost it. It was one thing to know she was there with Emily and Cale, but a whole different issue to know she was alone and I would have no way of knowing how she was doing.

  It was time. I wanted her in my life and needed her to understand who I was. I called Emily and asked for a key to Jen’s house. If she wouldn’t let me in, I’d let myself in. Yeah, creepy, I know. But, I needed Jen!

  When I saw her there on the bed, I knew I was doing the right thing. I loved this woman.

  She was so unsure about whether she wanted to hear my story, but I pressed on.

  “We’d only been married for six months when she was diagnosed. It was devastating to both of us, but we vowed to do the treatments and get through it together. I was so angry and felt completely betrayed by God for sending me the love of my life only to get such a short time with her. I had to hide my anger most of the time because Kristen had so much to deal with.” I stopped talking and lifted my head to see Jen’s face. I needed to see if I should go on or stop altogether.

  She reached over and touched my hand. “Keep going, baby.” She had tears rolling down her cheeks.

  “She didn’t want to die,” I said quietly. I heard a small gasp from Jen. “You know, people always say that a person on their deathbed is at peace. But, Kristen wasn’t. She kept fighting her ass off to stay here with me. She didn’t want to die, babe.” I felt the tears start to make their way down my cheeks.

  “It was awful. I was helpless to do anything to bring her peace. I told her over and over how much I loved her and would never forget her. I held her for hours with her arms gripped around me. She had her hands fisted in my shirt, Jen. She didn’t want to leave me.”

  Jen was sobbing now and tried to move closer to me to wrap her arms around me. I helped her curl into my lap and I held her as tight as I could without hurting her. I felt like she might evaporate if I didn’t.

  “I don’t know what to say, Ry. I hate that fo
r both of you. She loved you so very much and couldn’t stand the thought of you being here without her. I get that….I really do.” She paused then said, “My heart hurts for you. I’m so sorry, baby.” She leaned back slightly and swiped her thumbs under my teary eyes, then kissed each lid. “I’m sorry,” she whispered as she caressed my face.

  “I’ve never told anyone how Kristen fought. I never told her parents or mine all the times she cried in my arms telling me she didn’t want to die. They would never get over that.” I wasn’t really over it either.

  “But, that left you to deal with it by yourself?! What did you tell them?” Jen asked.

  “I lied and told them that she was at peace when she died. I couldn’t tell them, Jen. I just couldn’t.” My voice was almost a whisper.

  “I understand. I probably would have done the same thing.” She whispered.

  We sat quietly for a while as I tried to gather my thoughts and rein in my emotions. Anytime I let myself go to those last days with Kristen, it felt like it was happening all over again and I nearly couldn’t pull myself out of the despair. I’d gotten used to stopping the thoughts, but Jen had a right to know and so I had no choice but to feel Kristen’s death consume me again….only this time I had Jen to pull me back to life.

  “I’m sorry for thinking you were a big jerk when I first met you. I knew you had some thick walls up for some reason, but I never thought it was because of something so devastating.” Jen had a slight, sad smile on her face.

  “I know. I’ve spent the last five years perfecting those walls. I’ve struggled daily with moving on with my life. I know Kristen would want me to, at least I think she would want me to. But, it’s incredibly hard to find a place for someone in my life next to Kristen’s memory. I can never let her go, not ever, and for some people, that might just be too much to live with.” I stared at Jen, hoping like hell that she would stay and make a life with me.

  Jen didn’t say anything. She just slowly raised her hands and cupped my face. “You are such a good man, Rylan. I know why Kristen never wanted to leave you. I can still see how much you loved her in your eyes and the way you say her name. I’m not sure anyone will ever live up to her memory and I think that’s okay. You shouldn’t have to love her less to love someone else and let them love you back.” She leaned in and kissed my cheek and whispered, “You are such a good man.”