The Absence of Olivia

by Anie Michaels

  I was quiet for a few moments, not really knowing where to take the conversation from there.

  “And what about their dad?” Nate’s voice was like velvet draped over hard steel. It was rough, but I could tell he was trying to ease it up. He didn’t like asking the question, but wanted too badly to know the answer to let it be.

  I shrugged. “Devon is a man who lost his wife, the mother of his children. He struggles daily, but is trying hard to be the pillar of his family. He’s still trying to figure it all out.”

  “Does it bother you to talk about him?”

  “No,” I answered immediately and truthfully. I’d much rather talk about him than be with him. Being around Devon was becoming confusing and tiring. Things were tense between us.

  “It just seems like there’s more going on than a friend helping out a friend.”

  “It’s a little more complicated than that.”

  “How complicated?”

  I paused, searching for words, searching for truth. I wasn’t sure how complicated it was. The relationship between Devon and I had always been so much more than what lay on the surface, even if we never spoke about it or acknowledged it. Finally, I shrugged, not having any words for Nate.

  “Complicated enough that I should stop pursuing you?” My eyes snapped up to meet his gaze and I felt the intensity of his question, his eyes holding mine with a force I’d never experienced before.

  I shook my head gently and whispered, “No.” The only thing stronger than the strange connection I’d always felt with Devon was the way Nate’s eyes were locked on me in that moment. His gaze said more to me and made me feel more than any passing touch from Devon had caused.

  I’d always thought Devon was the end-all and be-all to my being. I’d always assumed he would be the pinnacle of emotions for me, thought he’d been the yin to my yang. And I’d stupidly been all right with letting my other half spend a lifetime with someone else. Suddenly, atop a pile of logs in the middle of the forest in the Columbia River Valley, I came to realize that, perhaps, I’d been wrong. Perhaps, Devon wasn’t my other half.

  I felt my mind take a mental snapshot of that moment. Nate across from me, tanned skin glistening in the sun, legs straddling a formidable log, brown hair shining in the sunlight, eyes trained on me, expression serious yet compassionate. I wanted to remember the moment when I realized life wasn’t as bleak as I’d made it out to be, and I wanted to remember the person who’d reminded me that I was still worth pursuing.

  “No,” I repeated, my voice a little sturdier than before. “You shouldn’t stop pursuing me.”

  The smile that spread across his face was award winning. Bright, genuine, relieved. “Great. I didn’t plan on it anyway.”

  We finished our sandwiches, drank our water, and sat atop those logs for an hour, talking about everything and nothing. Nate collected comic books. This did not surprise me in the least. He’d shown some boyish tendencies all day, but it wasn’t unattractive; it was sweet. And it took the pressure off a little. Picturing him perusing a comic book store, purchasing plastic wrapped picture books somehow made him less threatening. How dangerous could a man who read comic books be, after all?

  Any ideas I had about him being boyish, however, were thrust to the back of my mind as we climbed down the logs, trying to make our way toward the end of the ‘trail’. I was slowly stepping down the logs when my foot hit a wet spot and I stumbled. I was going down, my hands splayed out in front of me, trying to break my fall, when I felt his strong hands grip my shoulders. My eyes snapped up and I realized he’d caught me. He’d simply reached out and gripped my shoulders, stopping me from tumbling down a hill of logs.

  “Whoa. You all right?” he asked with concern lacing his voice as I found my footing again.

  “Yeah, thanks.”

  “I knew I’d get you to fall head over heels for me, but I don’t want you to break a limb doing it.” His screen-worthy smile was back and his hands were not letting me go. In fact, he just moved down my arms and wrapped his hands around both of mine. I was standing on a log above him, so my eyes were level with his beautiful brown ones, and I felt my breath hitch at his words and the playful yet sexy look he was giving me. His confidence was on full blast again, and just like before, I was eating it up.

  My eyes darted down to his lips, for one brief stolen moment, without my permission, and I saw his reaction. His sexy smile morphed into a cocky one, which, for the record, wasn’t any less sexy. Quite the opposite, in fact. In the split second I was staring at his lips, his tongue darted out and wet the tip of his top lip, and my knees almost buckled again. Reluctantly, I brought my eyes back to his.

  “Maybe you’ll be the one to fall for me,” I said, unsure of where my bravado suddenly came from.

  He laughed. “Lyn, baby, I’m pretty sure that was a foregone conclusion.”

  “Oh,” was all I could say in response. My heart was thundering in my chest at his use of the word baby. Had we progressed all the way to the pet-name stage of our relationship already? Not only was I unsure of when and how you were supposed to start calling people things like baby and honey, I also didn’t care. He could call me whatever he wanted as long as he used that particular timbre of his voice, which made every inch of my skin crawl with anticipation.

  He gave my hands a squeeze, broadened his smile, then let one of my hands go, keeping one, and leading me down the ladder of logs.

  We walked in companionable silence, never letting go of each other’s hand, soaking in the sights and sounds of our surroundings. The water, which continued past the log graveyard, never went more than waist deep again. After about thirty minutes of wading and walking, we came to the climax of the trail, the place which was responsible for the people risking their lives on the enormous logjam. Obviously, someone had leaked what waited past it, because otherwise, fewer people would traverse it.

  I was looking at the most beautiful waterfall. Without thinking, I dropped his hand and started snapping photos furiously. I very truthfully forgot he was there for a few minutes, finding perfect shots and lining them up in my viewfinder, snapping away. I started to back up, trying to get more of the falls in the shot, when suddenly he was in my screen. He was facing away from me, one leg bent more than the other, hands resting at his sides, his face angled toward the sky trying to see where the water was falling from. The sun was bursting above him, rays raining down on his gorgeous hair, and I was captivated.

  I captured the image in my camera, in my mind, and more deeply, in my heart. He was burnt in it, forever plastered against its walls, leaving a permanent mark. I knew the photo would be immaculate, but it wouldn’t do the moment justice. Not even close.

  He turned and caught me taking his picture, but only smiled at me, allowing me to take one last perfect picture of his gorgeous smile with sunlight radiating around him, mist from the falls clouding the air around him. He held his hand out to me and said, “Come on.”

  I let my camera drape from my neck and took his hand, unable to hide or smother the smile I wore.

  He walked along the edge of the water, leading me around the pool that formed at the bottom of the falls. He continued to hold my hand as he led me up a rocky ledge that led to a manmade path that brought us back behind the falls. It was, compared to other falls in the area, a relatively small waterfall, but the cavern behind the falls was large and dark. Water dripped from the cavern roof and a cold breeze blew through, making me shiver. Nate stopped when we were deep in the cave and sat on a large rock. My voice caught in my throat when he pulled me into his lap, leaving me sitting sideways on his large thighs. He wrapped his big, warm arms around me, his hands moving over the exposed skin of my arms.

  “You’re freezing,” he said softly.

  I’d been extremely cold only seconds before, but then he pulled me to him, and put his hands on me, and suddenly, I couldn’t remember ever being warmer. His hands moved up and down my bare arms and my eyes stayed locked on his. Slowly,
on each pass upward, his hands moved farther up until finally they caressed my shoulders, rubbing gently, kneading just enough to make my eyelids flutter. After a few moments, his rough yet tender hands moved to grasp each side of my neck, thumbs gently stroking me there, and his eyes were silently asking for permission.

  I nodded, ever so slightly, and watched as his eyes, which looked almost pained, moved closer to me until finally his lips feathered over mine. I took in a shuddering breath, not prepared for the enormity of what I would feel with his mouth against mine. Kissing Nate was like coming home. It was like coming in from a rainstorm to sit in front of a roaring fire. Like the first sunny day after months of clouds. It was simply everything. And as if he knew I would be lost with his mouth pressing against mine, knew I’d be drowning in feeling, he wasted no time taking control.

  His hands came up to cradle my face, holding me to him, his lips moving over mine with purpose. His lips parted slightly and I let out a breathy gasp as he took my lower lip into his mouth, sucking gently. He may as well have been sucking on a few other parts of my body for what it made me feel. I was instantly hot and buzzing, imagining his mouth doing that exact same thing in other places. I groaned slightly when his teeth came to nip at me, and at my noises, he seemed to lose a bit of his control.

  Instantly, his arm was around my waist and I yelped as he stood, holding me to him, but swinging me so that my legs wrapped around him, then sat again with my legs straddling him. He reached up and wrapped his fingers around the neck strap of my camera, then paused, silently asking permission to take it off. I bent my head forward and felt him lift it over, then watched as he placed it gently on top of his backpack, keeping it off the wet cavern floor.

  When he turned back to me, each of his hands landed on one of my knees, and then slowly slid up my thighs, to the side of my hips and up my ribcage. His large, warm palms slid over my back and he pulled me closer to him, my breasts pressing up against his hard chest, and then he kissed me again. This time, though, the kiss was hungry. He wasted no time parting my lips with his tongue. Then, he just took.

  I’d never submitted to anyone like I did in that moment. I was happily giving control over to him, finally glad to feel like I was allowed to give someone whatever he wanted. Excited not to feel shame or guilt for kissing someone, for feeling whatever I was feeling. And, at that moment, I was feeling hungry too.

  My hands wandered over his chest, my tongue pressed against his, and I reveled in the feeling of being so close to him, of letting him get that close to begin with. This was no at-arms-length encounter; he wasn’t someone I was trying to keep at a safe distance. He was in it with me, entirely present, fully pressed against me, and his body was asking for more.

  His hands raked down my back then came around my waist and while one hand rested on my hip, the other floated up my belly then came to cup my breast, gently palming me over my shirt. The contact was maddening and I wished we weren’t just yards away from other hikers. The brief brush of his hand over my breast was enough to light a fire, but now I had no way to put out the flame.

  His mouth pulled away from mine roughly, but then landed on my neck, kissing down the sensitive skin there until his tongue met the hollow part at the base. I was panting, my hands threaded through his soft hair, practically holding his mouth to me, hoping he never stopped using it on me.

  “God, Lyn, I can’t get enough.” His mouth dragged back up my throat, moving over my jaw, then took my mouth again. I rocked forward, trying to get as close to him as I possibly could, trying to, Jesus, I didn’t know. I wanted to climb inside of him, wanted to be a part of him, and to have him be a part of me. I wanted to somehow bind myself to him, mark him, leave some sort of proof I had been there, on his lap, writhing against him, and his mouth had been on my skin. I wanted all kinds of things that didn’t seem possible. I wanted things I’d never thought possible. I wanted him. Even if it was just once, just one time to feel that connection to him, I’d give anything.

  “Nate,” I groaned against his mouth, loving the way he growled when he heard his name come from my lips. If we’d been anywhere else even remotely more private I’d be peeling my shirt off, hoping he’d take me and never look back. But we were outdoors with plenty of people right on the other side of the falls. Anyone could walk back there and find us.

  I pulled away from his mouth again, but he wouldn’t let me go far. His hands gripped my face, gently holding me to him, our foreheads pressed together. I felt his fast and fevered breaths pant across my face. My hands rested on his chest feeling his heart beat rapidly.

  “I’m sorry,” he finally whispered.

  “You’re sorry?” I asked, afraid he regretted the whole exchange. Afraid he thought he’d made a mistake. All the important men in my life had made a mistake with me.

  “Lyn, baby, I’m sorry I did that here – in broad daylight. I’m not sorry I kissed you – not at all.” His hands moved reverently over my cheeks and down my neck, as if he just needed to put his hands on any part of me available. My eyes closed at the feeling of his rough and calloused hands moving over my sensitized skin. “I’ve wanted to kiss you since I first met you. I’ve been trying to read you, trying to figure out if you’d want that.” He swallowed thickly and I watched his Adam’s apple bob, biting my lower lip to keep myself from moving my mouth toward it. “Tell me you wanted it,” he whispered, his eyes darting back and forth between mine, anxiety apparent in his expression.

  I moved my own hands up to wrap around both sides of his thick, corded neck, making sure I said my next words with as much conviction as I could muster. “I’ve never wanted anything more than for you to kiss me.”

  He breathed out a sigh of relief and wrapped his arms around me, holding me for a few minutes, letting both our bodies come down from the kiss-induced high we’d climbed to just moments before.

  “You’re a fantastic kisser,” I said, my voice soft and playful, hoping to lead us out of the thick and heavy moment and back into the light. He squeezed me a little tighter and I felt a slight laugh rumble through him, doing absolutely nothing to calm the arousal I was trying to keep at bay. He leaned back and then gently tucked another tendril of hair behind my ear.

  “I must have been inspired.”

  “Well, here’s hoping you get inspired again sometime.” I winked at him and this time he let out a legitimate laugh. And just like that, we were back to the easy lightness we’d shared with him all day. One minute he was kissing me like he needed to devour me and the next we were laughing and making jokes. Something in the back of my mind told me this is how it’s supposed to be. It doesn’t always have to be hard or sad or forced. Happiness is light.

  I shook my head, trying to free my mind of the profound thoughts making themselves known while I was sitting on an attractive man’s lap.

  I stood up and grabbed my camera, draping it around my neck again, and then Nate stood and took my hand, grabbed his backpack, and led me out of the cavern, back in to reality.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Present Day

  “Well, here we are again,” Nate said as he put his truck into park. The afternoon sun was shining through the windshield and his cheeks were just a little pinker for spending the day outdoors.

  “Thank you for a great day. It was a lot of fun.” I fiddled with my camera, trying to make it seem like I was putting things in order, when really I was stalling, not ready to leave him yet. When I felt his fingers under my chin I stilled, then lifted my eyes to meet his, which were a lot closer than they just had been.

  “I’d like to see you again. Soon.” His face was achingly close, his thumb and forefinger putting just enough pressure on my chin to make my insides melt.

  “I’d like that too,” I breathed.

  He waited only a moment before he leaned forward and pressed the softest and most patient kiss against my lips. It was a far cry from the urgent kisses we’d shared behind the waterfall. There was still need, but it was simmering
instead of boiling. When he finally pulled away, I was breathless. His body moved and I opened my eyes fully, and then realized he was pulling his wallet from his back pocket. He flipped it open and produced a business card.

  “This has my cell number on it. I already have your number, now you have mine. I’d like you to use it. I’ll do the same.”

  “Okay,” I replied, taking the card from his fingers. I held his gaze for a moment, and then turned to reach for the door handle.

  “Hey,” he said softly, making me turn in my seat. “Soon.” That one word sent shivers all through my body and made the air stall in my lungs. I nodded weakly then opened the door and climbed down from his truck. I walked to the door of my studio, noticing that my clothes were completely dry. I was glad for that because I didn’t want to have to go home just yet. I wanted to get some work done.

  My mind was still back in the truck with Nate and his kiss, his hands on me, and I didn’t notice that only the bottom lock was turned. Didn’t even pick up on the fact that the deadbolt was unlocked. I did, however, notice the lights were on. I stopped only a few feet in the studio when I saw Devon sitting in my fancy chair behind my desk.

  “Devon,” I said, shocked to see him. “What are you doing here? How’d you even get in?”

  “You said you were working today.” His voice was calm and almost sad. He sat with his hands folded together atop my desk, but he wouldn’t look at me. “I left the kids with the neighbor girl across the street and came here to talk to you, to try and work some things out, but you weren’t here.” He paused for a moment and took a breath, then his face lifted and his eyes met mine. “I waited here because I thought, surely, you’d be back soon. You told me you were working.”