Our Kinda Love

by Deanna Eshler

  Shyanne reaches across the table and lays a hand on Kade's arm, effectively quieting him.

  "I think it was a rhetorical question," she says with a sweet smile.

  "Right," he says, shooting an apologetic look at me, "Sorry."

  I kinda wanna gag at how perfect those two are together. It's more obvious now, in the middle of this chaos, that is my relationship, or non-relationship… whatever.

  Kade and Shyanne keep talking, trying to keep me occupied I suspect, so when I look at the clock and realize it's been more than an hour since I got home. I jump off the counter.

  "I'm not going to sit here and wait for Max anymore. I'm going to go out and look for him."

  "No," Shy and Gemma say at the same time. Realizing they must have more information than they've shared.

  I look at Kade. "Spill it, genius," I scold, knowing he's a horrible liar. He looks nervously at Shy who finally confesses.

  "He's at The Hole, but Max is trying to get him to come home. He's extremely drunk and we don't think it's a good time for you to talk to him."

  I walk to the table, grabbing my purse and keys. "Thanks, Mom, but I think I can make my own decisions," I say over my shoulder.

  Gemma lets out a frustrated growl. "I'm coming with you."

  Chapter 52

  Tell Her How Good I Am

  When we walk through the door at The Hole, I immediately see Adrian sitting at the bar, and he’s not alone. Katie is sitting on the stool next to him, leaning in as if waiting for him to say something profound. I can see his reflection in the mirror, behind the bar. His head is hanging, and he seems focused on the drink in front of him, not the girl next to him.

  “Didn’t take her long,” I hear Gemma say next to me.

  I’m surprised at her obvious dislike of Katie. “Did I hear irritation in your voice?” I attempt humor to try and ignore the emotions I feel at seeing Adrian with another girl.

  “We’ll call it my mother bear side,” Gemma says. “He has no business being here with her.”

  I laugh humorlessly, then nod toward a table, deciding I want to take in the scene before I try to talk to him. The jukebox is between songs, as a couple of girls stand in front of it, punching buttons to flip through the albums. There are about twenty people in the bar, most of which are watching Gemma and I curiously.

  Max is sitting on the other side of Adrian, and he doesn’t look happy to see us. He quickly stands, looking from Adrian then back to us. He shakes his head furiously as if telling us to stay away.

  “What’s his problem?” Gemma huffs. “Does he think we’re gonna ignore this?”

  “My guess,” I explain, “is that Adrian is piss-drunk and Max doesn’t want me adding to the storm that’s brewing.”

  Before I have a chance to decide how to proceed, Adrian sees my reflection in the mirror. He spins his stool around, almost tipping it over.

  "Hey sweet cheeks,” he yells at me. “Have you met Katie?" he slurs, gesturing at his bar mate. "Katie, this is Keegan my ex-pretend fiancé."

  Well, I guess drunk Adrian, is a chatty drunk too. I should probably leave, let Max deal with him, but the idea of leaving him here to possibly go home with her, makes my stomach hurt.

  Adrian points a finger at Gemma, who is looking at me questioningly. "You didn't know that did you, Gemma? That's right, it was all pretend," he half slurs. "We were never really engaged. As a matter of fact, we were never really anything." He turns to look disgusted eyes at me. "Isn't that right?"

  Before I can respond, he goes on with his drunken rant, for the entire bar to hear. The jukebox girls have abandoned their search and are now part of our audience.

  "Hey Katie,” Adrian says, pitching forward slightly. “I’ve got a question for you, and I want Keegan to hear the answer."

  I need to walk away right now. I’m sure nothing good is going to come out of this conversation, yet I can't seem to move my feet. This is what they mean by watching a train wreck. I should turn and run away before something horrible happens, but I can't move.

  "Katie, am I a good fuck?" Adrian asks loudly.

  And there it is. The blow to my chest. I can tell by his cruel sneer, he was hoping to inflict pain.

  He lifts his chin at me. "You see, Keegan here thought I needed an instruction manual. So," he says, smiling at Katie and reaching down to rub her thigh. "Since we fucked before I had the manual, how about you share. Was it good for you?"

  I might throw up. Is that what the feeling is in my stomach? Thinking of Adrian in bed with her is definitely vomit worthy.

  There are a few laughs from our audience, but also some sympathetic gasps, maybe from jukebox girls. Nate has moved from the end of the bar to take Adrian’s drink and dump it, saying something that Adrian ignores.

  I expect Katie to be horrified at his discussion of her sex life, but she’s not. The stupid cow reaches between his knees and begins to stroke up and down his thigh. She's biting her bottom lip trying to look innocent while I try not to punch her in that lip so hard she swallows all her front teeth.

  Now I know it's time for me to leave because I'm envisioning my fist slamming into people’s faces.

  I chew the inside of my cheek to help hide the hurt, as I spin on my heels to leave. I only get a few steps when a hand grabs my elbow. Looking over my shoulder, I see it’s Max. His pitying expression reveals that I wasn’t hiding my hurt very well.

  “He’s upset, drunk, and stupid. He doesn’t mean anything he’s saying or doing right now.”

  I nod and glance over at the train wreck because, well, that’s what you do, and I see him kissing her. No, not kissing her. He’s holding her face in his hands and he has her pressed against the bar where he is practically dry humping her. There’s an ache in my chest that feels like an old friend—the one that was there when my dad left, my brother died, and Jack walked away.

  “I know, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less,” I say, surprising myself with my honesty.

  Before I start crying like some emotional teenager, I turn to leave, with Gemma right behind me.

  Seconds before I close the car door, I hear a loud crash inside the bar. I hope it was Katie tripping and smacking, face first, into the corner of the pool table. Very specific visuals, I know, but a girl has to preserve her emotions somehow.

  About an hour later, Gemma and I are still awake, pretending to watch TV when her phone rings. She looks at the screen, and glances at me before answering. I should have gone to bed when we got home, but I need to know if Adrian came home or went home with Katie.

  Gemma hangs up the phone. “That was Max. He wants know if there is someplace else we could go tonight.”

  At first I don’t understand, but the pity on Gemma’s face, explains it all. Adrian is bringing Katie home and Max doesn’t want me to hear them fucking like rabbits.

  I stand and begin walking to my room. “I’ll go to Robert’s, you stay here. My drama shouldn’t affect your life.”

  Gemma tries to argue, but I go pack a bag. While in my room alone, I allow a couple of tears to fall, telling myself those are the last ones. I’ll go bitch to Robert, and have my pity party, but by tomorrow morning that party will be over, just like this stupid non-pretend relationship.

  Chapter 53

  Class interruption

  The next morning I manage to drag my ass to class. I stopped and picked up some ice cream on the way to Robert’s last night. We stayed up eating, and pretending my heart wasn’t broken, for most of the night. With only about two hours sleep, biochem should be super exciting.

  During the entire class I think about my phone, tucked away in my backpack. I shut it off last night and I’ve not turned it back on. I don’t want to know if Adrian is trying to contact me because either way I’ll be upset. If he’s texting me all kinds of apologies, I’ll want to tell him to go fuck himself. If he’s not trying to contact me, then I’ll be thinking about him still lying in bed with Katie. It’s best to just not know.
<
br />   Robert keeps poking me with his pencil every time he sees that far off look in my eyes. Although I’m sure he’s doing it because he likes hurting me, I’m grateful when he interrupts my visions of what could have happened in Adrian’s bed last night.

  As I begin to slip back inside my own head, I hear someone yell from the back of the class.

  “Excuse me, sir.” Everyone turns to see who the idiot is because Professor Stack does not like to be interrupted.

  I don’t turn because, well, I don’t care. So when Robert, mutters, “oh shit” I’ve no clue what’s got his panties in a twist… until I hear the next few words.

  “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to speak to Keegan.” The sound of his voice causes goose bumps to form, and not the good kind.

  The professor nods at me. “Go ahead, Miss Hughes.”

  Stack must think that there is some legit reason for this dipshit to come calling me out of my class because he doesn’t seem irritated at the intrusion. Too bad, I’m irritated.

  “No thank you,” I say politely. Adrian can try to play his game, but it’ll be kinda hard playing without an opponent.

  Professor Stack frowns, watching my face for any sign of humor. None here. I’m as serious as my personality allows.

  Seeing that I truly do not want to talk to him, Stack tries to send Adrian on his way. “This class concludes in ten minutes, Mr. …”

  “Adrian.”

  “Mr. Adrian,” Stack repeats.

  “No, just Adrian. No mister,” Adrian tosses back.

  I close my eyes, trying to shut out the laughter from the other students.

  “Do you think you could wait in the hall for ten minutes, at which time class will be over and you can speak with Miss. Hughes then?” Stack tries again.

  Adrian clears his throat, and it sounds like he walks further into the room, but I still don’t turn around to see.

  “Um, no sir,” he says, clearing his throat, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  Stack sighs, finally getting annoyed. “And why is that, Adrian?”

  “Well, you see sir, I fucked up real bad last night. So bad that I’m pretty sure Miss Hughes will climb out that window over there, when class is over, so she doesn’t have to see me in the hall.”

  The class erupts in laughter, and I see Robert bite his lip, trying not to laugh. I drop my face into my hands, realizing I’m about to lose this battle.

  Stack regains control of the class by dropping a book loudly, onto his desk. “Miss Hughes, as entertaining as this is,” he says, not sounding entertained at all. “I need to finish my lecture. So, either you go into the hall to speak with your boyfriend, or I will have him come to the front of the room and you two can talk in here.”

  Shaking my head, I correct him. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

  “Yes I am,” Adrian states, “Actually, her fiancé.”

  The pitch of the laughter increases as the professor pinches the bridge of his nose. Adrian has progressed his level of destructive ability. No longer a small tornado, he can now be categorized as a hurricane.

  Professor Stack clears his throat. “Miss Hughes—”

  Seeing that the professor is losing his patience, I hold up a hand before he can finish. “I’m going.” Then I stand and give Adrian a look that could shrivel his balls.

  He does stand a little straighter as he holds the door for me to pass.

  I cross the hall and lean on the wall opposite my classroom. Crossing my arms over my chest, I wait for Adrian to speak his peace, but surprisingly he only stares back. Getting impatient, I motion for him to get on with it.

  He cocks his head. “You aren’t going to yell?”

  I shake my head.

  “Punch me?” He tries again.

  Again, I shake my head.

  He narrows his eyes. “Come on, Keegan. I know you’re pissed about last night.”

  I raise a brow. “You mean, last night when you were making out with Katie and telling me all about your sex life with her?”

  He cringes. “Keegan, I’m not even going to tell you how much she doesn’t mean to me because you know I’m crazy obsessed with you. I mean, my obsession with you is so incredibly unhealthy that I should probably be on meds.”

  “Well, can’t argue with that.”

  “So you forgive me?” he says, looking stupidly hopeful. Does he seriously think a thirty-second conversation and confession of mental illness is going to fix all this?

  “No,” I say, although my look should’ve been enough. “That’s not at all what I said. Besides, there’s nothing to forgive. I told you I was done. You can make out with whoever you want.”

  “Really? So it didn’t bother you to see me with Katie?” He tilts his head in challenge.

  “Fine,” I concede since he knows the truth anyway. “You want hear how bad it hurt to see your mouth on hers? Well, it hurt. It hurt because when you kiss me, you make me feel like I’m the only girl you ever want to kiss. It hurt because you were holding her face in your hands, and that’s my favorite thing you do to me. It hurt because I knew you were thinking about all the times you’d had sex with her, and how much you wanted to do it again. But mostly it hurt because I’d gone to the bar to find you. I was coming to tell you that I missed you terribly, and to talk through all the shit, to try and fix it. Instead, I found you… not missing me… with another girl.”

  Chapter 54

  Can We Fix This

  He grasps the back of his neck, his expression looking tortured, as he mutters, “Fuck.” After a couple short paces back and forth he turns back to me. “I’m sorry, baby. I have no idea what else to say, but I’m sorry.”

  Ugh, why did he have to call me baby?

  He reaches out for me, but I hold up a hand. “Don’t. You have nothing to apologize for, but I can’t pretend I didn’t see that last night. I can’t say the things I wanted to say last night because it doesn’t matter how much I miss you.”

  He makes a guttural sound at the back of his throat. “It was just a fucking kiss, Keegan.”

  Oh, now I’m Keegan again. Okay, whatever.

  “I didn’t take her home. I wasn’t thinking about having sex with her. Hell, I wasn’t even thinking about her when I kissed her. I was thinking about you and how I’m so fucking desperate to get you back that I’d stooped to kissing another girl to make you jealous.”

  “It was just a kiss? And you didn’t take her home,” I repeat, getting pissed because now he’s lying. “Then why did Max call and tell me I should go stay someplace else before you got home?”

  Adrian shrugs. “I don’t know, maybe because I was a disaster and I was begging to see you. I’d already thrown a table at the library and a one at the bar after you left. He probably figured it was best for me sober up before I saw you again, so I didn’t get my ass arrested again.”

  So, the crash I heard inside the bar when we were leaving must’ve been him tossing another table. Damn, I was hoping to see Katie with a broken face from smacking into the floor.

  I slide down the wall until my butt hits the floor, then pull my knees against my chest.

  Adrian begins pacing. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t minimize it. If I’d walked into that bar and saw you kissing another guy—”

  I cut him off. “I think it’s fair to say we both know how that would’ve gone.”

  He stops pacing and drops to his knees in front of me so that we’re eye level with each other. “I know I was acting like a teenage girl, jealous over the time you were spending with Jack, but I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never felt like this before.” He cast his gaze upward, thinking. When his eyes fall back to me, he looks desperate. “I want every minute of every day for the rest of my life to be with you, but I can’t get you to commit to one day with me. Then he comes along and I felt like I was watching you reclaim a past that was going to keep you from becoming my future.”

  He reaches out a hand, then lets it fall away like he’s uns
ure if he can touch me.

  “It’s been a long time since I felt this out of control of my life, but that’s what you do to me.”

  Oh, I’m very familiar with that feeling.

  My class begins to let out, so Adrian stands and goes to lean on the wall across from me again. Adrian watches me, his eyes filled with regret, as students pass between us. I wish we could erase the last few days or at least rewind. I know he doesn’t care about Katie, but I also know I can’t be with him right now with the image of him, with her, fresh in my mind.

  I feel someone kick my foot and look up to see, the ever sympathetic, Robert glaring down at me.

  “You better not make up with him already. You promised me another night of ice cream, plus a trip to the spa this weekend. If you two work this out, then I’ll get screwed out of my girl time with you.”

  “Gee Robert, thanks so much for your concern, but I’m fine.”

  He winks. “I’ll wait for you out on the steps.”

  That’s secret code for I know you’re going to need that ice cream when you’re done.

  Once the halls are empty, Adrian stands and begins pacing again, now rapidly tapping his thigh with his thumb.

  I draw in a long breath, then release it slowly, trying to fight back my own emotions. “You had someone dig through my whole life,” I say, in almost a whisper.

  He runs his hands through his hair and begins pulling at it. He sees about getting into anger management classes.

  “I’m sorry about the background check—” he begins, but I cut him off.

  “I get it. Protecting your brothers is your number one priority. You just should have told me sooner. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have been pissed if you’d told me several weeks ago, but when, and the way it came out made it all much worse.”

  Adrian closes his eyes, and simply nods. “You were right. I should’ve kept my ass at the apartment when you left with him. I know that now, but I also knew it then.” He stares at his hands, fisted in his lap. “I lose my mind when it comes to you.”