I'd have turned the phone off, but Tanisha had decided that her and Mildred's "we're single so let's have a great Valentine's Day together" event was the right time to tell her mother she was gay, and that some of her fellow students knew and were being hard on her so she couldn't keep studying at her current school.
I wasn't at all sure about this, especially with the bullying aspect that seemed far too elementary-school, but Tanisha was doing it anyhow. She'd tell Mildred at some point that day, whenever the time felt right, and I didn't want to miss the message she'd promised to send when the deed was done. I did mute the phone, though, before the beeping of Kegan's useless messages drove me insane.
Once the first patrons arrived at six o'clock, I didn't have much time to check messages anyhow, although I did glance through them occasionally to make sure I hadn't missed anything important. I spent some time in the kitchen but mostly I stayed in the dining room to greet people and see how both the food and Magma itself were being received. Kegan would ordinarily have handled the patron contact, and would certainly be doing it tomorrow when we had our official opening, but that day I was the public face of Magma.
As I chatted with guests and accepted their compliments on the food and décor, I understood for the first time exactly how tightly Kegan was bonded to Steel. He'd been involved in every last tile and piece of hardwood and he loved them all, and I felt the same way about Magma. The place was my dream come to life, even more than it was his, and I adored it.
If only he'd have left me alone. Though I didn't answer the messages right away, and didn't bother at all when he repeated stuff he'd said earlier, fury flashed through me each time the phone vibrated in my pocket. Yet another sign he wasn't sure I could handle my job.
I handled it beautifully, me and the kitchen staff and the wait staff. Dorothy was taking care of Steel's kitchen, and Kegan and I had agreed she should keep most of our pre-existing staff so she wouldn't have to train new people so soon in her new job, so I was working with nearly all new staff but it was still wonderful.
At about eight that night, I'd settled into my office chair to grab a quick bite when Dave, who I'd brought with me to Magma because I wanted to keep an eye on him, came in with his phone in his hand and an awkward smile on his face. "Can I talk to you?"
I pushed my plate aside. "Of course."
"I have a message for you."
He flipped the phone around so I could see it.
Get Mary to answer her messages.
Oh, for the love of... "Thanks, Dave," I said. "Ignore him. Geez, he's a nightmare today."
"Why doesn't he just leave you be? He should know you can handle the place. You're doing a great job. Both here and with Steel."
I smiled, knowing he was trying to apologize for allying himself with Crystal. "Thank you." My phone buzzed and I rolled my eyes. "Could you tell him?"
He laughed. "He knows, I'm sure. He's just obsessive."
"Gee, you think?"
Dave went back to work and I checked the message, which turned out to be from Tanisha instead of Kegan.
Told Mom. She walked out. But she came back 5 minutes later with candy. Says she's proud of me. We're on the other school's website now. Hope all's well there!
I wrote back, telling her I was proud of her too and that everything was great. At the end, I added, "If you see Kegan, take his phone and break it. He's nuts."
An hour or so and seven more text messages from Kegan later, one of the waiters came into the kitchen and took me aside. "A guy's been here for nearly two hours. He keeps ordering more drinks and stuff, but it's weird and I thought you should know."
I frowned. "Thanks. That is weird. He's here alone?"
"Yup. Saw him on the phone a few times but he stopped talking whenever I came over."
I went out, trying to look nonchalant, and quickly spotted the man in question. "Good evening, sir. How are you enjoying Magma?"
He looked up. "It's great, thank you. You must be Mary."
I blinked. "I am. And you are?"
He beckoned me closer and said softly, "I'm working for Kegan."
I stared at him. "I don't understand."
"You'll have to talk to him about it. I'll be in here about another half an hour and then I'll patrol outside until you close."
"He hired you to watch the place? He didn't tell me anything." How could he leave me in the dark like that? Make me look like a fool?
"And I can't either. Sorry. Talk to him."
"I will," I managed through my fury and frustration, "and I'll tell your waiter it's okay."
"Thanks. Oh, and great food. You're an amazing chef. I've eaten at a lot of restaurants for work and this is by far the best. Might bring my wife next weekend." He smiled. "Have to make up for being out tonight."
"Thank you." I forced a fake smile and walked away before I exploded.
Why did you hire security and not tell me?
I paced the office, too angry and uptight to talk to anyone, until he wrote back.
You figured it out, good job. I was worried Crystal might do something, so I hired him. I didn't want to bother you with it.
But bothering me with a million ridiculous text messages, no problem there.
I slumped into my chair and rubbed my neck, trying to remember how Tess had massaged away my tension. I couldn't come close to matching what she'd done, though, and even she might not have been able to relax me at the moment.
All his talk about how smart and talented I was, and he didn't even trust me to know he'd brought in a security guard. Did he think I'd have blown the guy's cover or something? That was far more likely to happen when I didn't know what was going on.
So many messages and nothing I actually needed to know.
I got through the evening somehow, but when everything was cleaned up and I stood outside waiting for my taxi I thought of going to that hotel room and somehow not telling him off, and I just couldn't face yet another argument.
Once I was safely in my apartment I sent him a message.
You've got the room to yourself. I'll see you tomorrow at Magma.
It felt cold, but I couldn't find it in me to say anything else.
Chapter Thirty
I'd thought it might be better having Kegan at Magma with me the next day instead of just his aggravating text message presence, since he'd be able to see that everything was running smoothly. I was wrong. He couldn't be muted like I'd turned my phone silent, and he simply could not stop himself interfering.
The kitchen staff, who'd worked together so well the night before, were constantly confused as Kegan's instructions conflicted with mine. He didn't change anything major, but he fiddled with everything, from what tasks were done at which station ("It'll be more efficient like this") even though they were comfortable and fast the way they were working to how to swirl caramel over my chai ice cream ("Clockwise makes more sense"), and after a few hours I couldn't stand it any more. "I need to talk to you. Now."
He knew he'd screwed up. I could see it in his face. He'd also known it last night, when he'd responded to my "not going to the hotel" text message with "I understand. And I'm sorry", and he'd known it all the other times he'd interfered. The difference this time was that I didn't care to yet again hear him apologize and promise he'd do better. I'd had enough.
I didn't give him the chance: as the office door closed behind us I said, "Do you want me to quit?"
"Of course not." He didn't quite snap, but nearly.
"Well, it feels like it. You obviously think I'm useless, I haven't done a damned thing right all day, so maybe I should just leave you."
I'd meant to sound like I was considering quitting, but as the words came out I knew I meant them exactly as I'd said them. I couldn't be with him like this. When he treated me like a moron, I hated him. Our relationship and the work were tied together, and we wouldn't be able to succeed in the first while he supervised the second. Since he'd made it abundantly clear he'd never give up control of
either restaurant...
He stood looking at me, his face solemn, and didn't speak.
"Do you think I'm useless?" I knew he didn't but I needed to hear it.
His eyes didn't leave mine as he shook his head. "Never have, never will."
"Then why can't you—"
"I don't know." He reached for me. "I am trying, and—"
I stepped back. "You know what? That's not enough any more. You keep telling me you're trying but nothing changes. I need more than words." My anger was gone, and I'd never felt more miserable. I wanted him and the career and I couldn't have them both. Not like this.
He nodded slowly, his jaw tight. "So are you leaving me, or the restaurants, or both?"
God, it was awful to hear it flat-out like that, especially said in such a calm, almost robotic, way. It could have sounded like he didn't care, but one look at his eyes told me that wasn't the case. He was holding his voice cool because neither of us could bear the emotions.
Was I leaving? If we both knew it wasn't working, was it time to call it quits? But with what? What did I keep and what did I give up?
In a rush, I knew I couldn't give up anything. Not yet. I cared about him and Magma far too much for that. "Neither," I said, and relief flooded me, feeling like that first sip of hot chocolate on a bitterly cold day. "I can't leave. But we have to... somehow..."
He put his hands on my shoulders and drew me toward him. I went willingly this time, and we clung to each other like we wouldn't survive otherwise. "I know." He kissed my hair and squeezed me even tighter. "We'll figure something out."
He didn't harass me or the staff for the rest of the afternoon. I almost missed it, though, because he was silent and withdrawn instead, not even able to muster up the whole of his usual charm while chatting with the patrons, and I knew he was searching for a way to make our relationship work.
And I was terribly afraid he wouldn't find one.
We survived the day, somehow. It was already clear that Magma was an amazing success, which did help. Every server came back into the kitchen with stories of how excited people were by the flavors and presentation. Kegan did too, whenever someone was especially complimentary, and I loved listening to the stories and hated the tension I could see in his face.
I hated, too, when Nora appeared at the kitchen door, with her work friend Jack, to tell me how gorgeous everything was. I didn't mind that, of course, and I was thrilled to see she and her "friend" were clearly more than friends now, since she deserved a good relationship after what she'd been through.
But when she gave me a hug and whispered, "I'm so glad you and Kegan got together. I've never seen him so happy," knowing how close we were to the end of that happiness hurt more than I could have imagined.
The only faintly bright spot in the evening was when a waitress told me Kegan needed me in the dining room and I went out to find Tess and Forrest beaming at me. I didn't look at Kegan, afraid I couldn't meet his eyes without crying.
"Just wanted to tell you everything's amazing, Mary." Tess jumped up and hugged me, and whispered into my ear, "Are you guys okay?"
My eyes filled with tears and I longed to drag her into my office and tell her everything. "Nope," I whispered back and squeezed her hard, fighting to control myself.
"I'm so proud of you," she said, then hugged me tighter and whispered, "Want to talk?"
I took a deep breath, pushing back the tears. "Yes. Please."
She patted me on the back and released me. "Hey, I didn't get a chance to see your office yet. I've seen the one at Steel but not here. Can I get a backstage tour?"
Forrest said, "Yeah, that'd be neat," but Tess said, "I need to talk to her about girl stuff. You know, girl stuff. So you're not invited."
He laughed. "Fine, then. I'll stay here and eat the rest of your dessert."
"You do that. Mary'll give me another one, right?"
I managed what felt like a fairly convincing smile. "For sure."
We walked away, and I didn't look back though I could feel Kegan watching me. Once we reached the office, I closed the door behind us and gave in to the tears I couldn't hold back any longer.
"Oh, Mary. He looked tense so I thought something might be wrong. Sit down and give me your hand."
I dropped into my desk chair, putting up my leg automatically, and Tess pulled over Kegan's chair and began massaging my hand. I cried for a few minutes, and she worked on my hand without speaking, and gradually her soothing touch calmed me enough that I could talk. "You're amazing at that."
She grinned. "Forrest spilled the beans and now the players all fake sore wrists just to get hand massages. But enough about those goofs. What's wrong?"
Through occasional bouts of additional tears I explained how Kegan was interfering and how much I hated it and how I couldn't see how we could work it out. When I finished, I said, "Well? What do you think?"
She switched to my other hand. "I think there has to be a way."
"Does there?"
She nodded. "You care about him, and he cares about you. There has to be something."
Her calm certainty helped, even though I couldn't see what would save Kegan and me. "But he won't give up the restaurants, and I love my job and don't want to quit, but I will shove a meat skewer into his stomach if he doesn't back off. But I don't think he can back off."
"Mental note, do not eat meat at Magma."
I had to laugh, but the tears rushed in again. "I so want it to work, Tess, seriously, but I can't see how." I wiped my eyes and sighed. "We're just at each other's throats all the time."
"That's what happens when you're passionate about things. And about people."
"Any way to be a bit less passionate?"
She shook her head. "You wouldn't be who you are then. Neither would he. There is a solution that won't leave you single or unemployed. You guys'll just have to find it."
"Let me know if you think of it."
She patted my hand. "I think it'll only work if you two come up with it. But if I get any brilliant ideas I'll pass them along. Now, you'd better get back to work, and I'd better get back out there before Forrest finishes my dessert and probably steals my after-dinner mint to boot."
*****
Kegan and I stood side-by-side silently holding hands as the elevator whisked us up to our floor. We'd barely spoken for the rest of the night, but once the kitchen was clean and the dining room was reset for the next day he'd leaned in and said, "Stay at the hotel with me. Please," and I hadn't been able to refuse. I hadn't wanted to. Our time together might be nearing its end and I didn't want to miss a moment.
As our room's door closed behind us, he pulled me into his arms and held me tight.
I buried my face in his shoulder and tried not to cry. From the very first time I'd hugged him being with him had just felt right, and it still did. There had to be a way.
He kissed the top of my head, then worked his way down my face to my mouth. His kisses were different than they'd ever been, without their usual playfulness and full of a hunger that went far beyond the physical, and I kissed him back and wordlessly gave him all my emotion and pain and longing.
We kissed for a long time, our mouths and bodies pressed together, desperate for more, more connection, more bonding. If I could have somehow fused myself to him I would have, and I knew he felt the same way.
Eventually we undressed each other without a word, still kissing, knowing we needed this now more than ever. The air on my naked skin felt heavy, significant, and his every touch stirred both my body and heart almost beyond endurance.
He guided me to the bed, his mouth on mine and his hands splayed across my back, then released me so I could lie down while he reached into the bedside table drawer and retrieved a condom. I'd often helped him put them on, teasing and making a game of it, but tonight wasn't about games. He sheathed himself quickly and I pulled him atop me.
His first stroke into me was the most beautiful thing I'd ever experienced. He filled me co
mpletely and stayed deep inside, his forehead pressed against mine. We held still for a long moment, savoring how perfectly we fit together, then his mouth found mine and his hips began to move.
He'd never been into staying in one position for long, far too interested in variety, but now he held my face in both hands and kissed me and made slow sweet gorgeous love to me, and I moved with him and let sensations and emotions overpower me.
Along with those, something else was rising in me. I could almost hear a word. I felt it, sensed it, in his kisses, in the way he caressed my face, in the sadness in his eyes. But it wasn't until he groaned and buried himself in me, bringing me over the edge with him into a climax stronger and deeper and richer than I'd ever known before, and we clung together silently that I realized what he'd been saying the entire time.
One word. Goodbye.
Though he hadn't said it aloud, every cell of my body knew I was right. Tears rose like a tidal wave and I pressed my forehead to his shoulder and let them loose. I'd lost him. He'd made his choice. We were finished. I might still have a job, but I didn't have a lover any more.
And I did love him. I hadn't let myself realize it before, but now I knew, and it made me cry even harder. He was everything I'd ever wanted in a man and I loved him. And I'd lost him.
He eased out of me and rolled onto his back, drawing me with him, and I rested my head on his chest, as I had so many times before, and sobbed. I wanted to tell him I loved him, wanted to beg him to change his mind, but I didn't because he couldn't and nothing had ever hurt so much.
His hands smoothed my hair and my bare back, and we lay together without a word, the only sound in the room my crying.
Eventually it slowed, then stopped, but we still didn't speak. Nothing to say.
He held me close, his lips against my forehead and one hand stroking my hair, and though I tried to stay awake to savor this last time in his arms my exhaustion took over and I fell asleep in his embrace.
Toronto Collection Volume 1 (Toronto Series #1-5) Page 100
