Chapter Thirty-One
When I woke the next morning, I knew I was alone even before I opened my eyes. I could feel it. He was gone.
I could so easily have dissolved into tears again, but I made myself get up and shower instead, though I had a moment of not wanting to remove his last fingerprints from my skin. Afterwards, I noticed a note on the carpet by my shoes.
We need to talk. Come see me when you feel ready.
I didn't think I'd ever feel ready, but I dressed and packed my overnight bag and left the room. I was halfway to Steel when I realized I hadn't checked at Magma to see if he was there. I knew, though, that he wouldn't be. He'd have gone to the place he felt safest.
When I walked into our office at Steel, he looked up. "Are you all right?"
Seeing him hurt so much. He looked exhausted and miserable, and for the first time since I'd known him he hadn’t shaved, and I wanted to throw myself into his arms so badly I felt my muscles twitching with the effort to stay where I was. I couldn't hug him, though; we had issues to resolve. "I'm okay," I said, though I wasn't. "You?"
"About the same." He gestured to my desk. "Have a seat."
I shook my head. I felt better standing. Stronger, somehow.
"Okay." He looked into my eyes. "Last night, I decided our relationship was over."
"I know."
"I know you know. After you fell asleep, though, I realized I couldn't do it. I can't give you up. It's a cliché but you are truly the best thing that's ever happened to me."
My broken heart cracked even further and I swallowed to push back tears. "Same to you."
He sighed. "But we can't work together, can we?"
I shook my head.
"And I can't give up my career, and neither can you. I was up all night. Trying to find a way to make this work. But I can't. I think you'll have to."
I frowned. "How? And why is it up to me?"
"We can't go on like this, Mary. I want you, and I want full control of my restaurants, but I can't have both. I can't decide which I want more, which I'll resent less for making me lose the other. I need you to decide for me, for us."
I stared at him. "You want me to decide whether I lose my job or my boyfriend."
"I can't do it. So yes, I do. If you pick us, we'll find you another job. If you pick work, well, you and I will have to pull way back and be professional and nothing more."
Each choice was worse than the other. "And you'll go along with whatever I say?"
He nodded. "I'll hate it either way, I think, but yes."
I sighed. "Well, that's lots of incentive for me to make the decision. Whatever I do, you'll hate."
He rubbed his hand over his forehead. "I didn't mean it like that. I just... I love the restaurants, and..." His eyes met mine and I saw the pain in them, and the emotion. I knew before he said it, and my heart surged as he added, his voice low and rough, "And I love you."
"I love you too," I whispered.
His eyes softened, then he closed them. "God damn it. It should be so easy for me but I can't let go." He opened his eyes. "Look, you make the decision. Okay?"
Not remotely okay, and hearing the confusion and frustration in his voice made it even worse. We couldn't let this go much longer or we'd both be insane by the weekend. "Okay, I'll decide. I need time to think though. Could you and Dorothy take care of Magma and Steel for the day? I'll come back tomorrow."
Something flickered in his eyes, but it vanished before I could identify it. "You need that much time?"
I raised my chin, instantly furious though I didn't know why. "You can't make the decision at all. Can't I have a day to think?"
His face hardened. "Fine, if that's what you need. See you tomorrow." He grabbed a file at random from his desk and began flipping through it.
His dismissal was obvious, but I stood frozen, unable to believe he'd cut me off so completely. When he didn't look at me again, I turned and left.
Walking down the street in a haze of sadness and anger and confusion, I realized I needed to go somewhere quiet and peaceful to think. Whatever I decided would change my life, our lives, forever. I needed to listen to nobody but myself, for the first time ever.
Chapter Thirty-Two
The spa, while gorgeous and peaceful, is unfortunately not a miracle worker. Despite constantly worrying through my options, even during a eucalyptus body wrap that should have been so relaxing, by the time I wake up in the morning from my fitful sleep I still don't know.
I love Kegan, and now that I know he loves me too I can't see how I could give up on us. He's trying so hard to change himself, to be a better man, and he's made such progress since the summer. No, he's not perfect, and he does make me crazy sometimes, a lot of the time, but how could I leave him?
But I've wanted my career for so long and I love Magma more than I'd ever thought I could love a workplace, and the idea of losing it hurts too. Differently from how losing Kegan hurts, of course, but it still torments me. Would I rather cut off a hand or a foot?
I head down to the quirky but charming dining room and am soon eating delicious pancakes for breakfast. Halfway through, I remember making pancakes for Kegan when I stayed over because of the rainstorm, and my eyes fill with tears. Everything everywhere would remind me of him. How could I let him go? But—
"Can I get you anything else?"
I blink hard but the waitress obviously sees my sadness. "Oh, dear. Are you okay?"
I nod, then say, "If you had to pick between a man and a career, what would you do?"
She considers. "A good man?"
"The best."
"Good career?"
"Also the best."
She drums her fingers on my table. "That's tough. Can't have them both?"
I blink again. "We can't make it work."
More drumming, then she says, "I'd pick the career."
My heart sinks, but I suspect it would have reacted the same if she'd given the other answer. "Why?"
"There are always more men. And I think women need to be strong and stand on their own."
"Yeah. I do too."
She smiles at me. "Hope that helps a bit. Do you want more tea?"
I nod, and she fills my teapot with fresh hot water and leaves me and my teabag to stew in peace.
Stand on my own. That's what I wanted all the way along. That's why I left Charles, why I moved to Toronto where I knew nobody. I'd wanted to stand up for myself and run my life my way, and I still want that.
I have to pick the career.
I can hardly breathe through the pain in my heart but I make myself keep going. I have to. I will keep Magma. And Steel too. In time, surely Kegan and I will be able to work together. Our feelings for each other will fade, disappear.
Even as I think it, I know it's not true. We love each other. How will that go away? I don't want it to go away. Not even for the career of my dreams. And there aren't always more men. At least not men like Kegan.
I could keep the career without keeping Magma. I would miss it, of course, miss it terribly, but I had a huge influence on its creation and I'd always know that. It would always be part of me and I'd always be part of it. I could work at another restaurant and be with Kegan.
Could I, though? Or would I wind up resenting him for taking Magma from me?
I know he'll have considered all these possibilities, but I can't find any new ones, and I go around and around as I finish my breakfast, not seeing a way out. The only thing that seems remotely possible is giving everything up. Leaving Kegan, leaving Magma, and starting again.
But then I'd have nothing at all.
On the mid-morning train back to Toronto, I make my first decision: I won't lose everything. I will have either Kegan or Magma.
I have to pick my career.
Don't I?
I have to go after what I want more than anything. Have to stand on my own two feet.
As I think that thought, think of my feet and standing on them, I feel the world l
urch around me like I've been picked up and thrown somewhere different. Everything's changed.
I know.
It's not logic, it's not reason, it's not even emotion... but I thought of standing on my own two feet and now I know. What I want. What I need. What I'm meant to have.
I try to make my mind review my options again but it won't. I'm absolutely certain what I want, and though what I'll lose is agonizing I'll gain so much more.
I know what I want. And I can't wait until the train reaches Toronto so I can go get it.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Though I know what I want, my heart races as I walk into Steel. A few early lunches are underway but the place is still mostly empty, and I go straight to the back and find Kegan at his desk. He still hasn't shaved, and I wonder whether he's stayed there the whole night. Love fills me, so much it hurts. Hurts more than it already did.
He watches as I close the door and the blinds behind me, and when I turn back to face him he says, "Have you decided?"
I nod.
He folds his hands on his desk. "Let's hear it."
I lick my lips, trying to figure out how to say it. "Everyone says you have to stand on your own two feet. I've wanted to do that my whole life. My marriage ended because I couldn't do it with Charles. I need to do it now."
His hand moves toward a stack of papers on his desk. "I understand."
"I doubt it," I say, and his hand stops moving. "The thing is, part of standing on your own feet is deciding where to put them, and then putting them wherever you need them to be without worrying about what you're supposed to decide."
His hand returns to his lap. "I agree with that."
"I'm supposed to pick the career. But I love you. And I want to be with you."
I know I'm doing what I need to do. I've known it from that moment on the train, when I saw myself standing, on my own two feet, and kissing him at Niagara Falls while the cute old couple took our picture. With Kegan at my side I've stood taller and stronger than ever before, and I will not let that go. I want to be with him when we're as old as that couple. Still, it's unbelievably hard to say, "So I am resigning from Magma, and Steel. And I'll find another job and—"
"I don't want that."
And you think I do? "It's my decision to make. And I've made it."
His eyes search my face. "I was mad when you left yesterday, you know."
Why is he changing the subject? And isn't he at all glad I picked us? My heart sinks; did I do the wrong thing? "I know. I was too."
"Do you know why?"
I shake my head, lost.
"I wanted you to decide right there."
"But that's not—"
"I told myself I was mad because you wanted to think, because you didn't say goodbye, because of all sorts of stupid things. But about fifteen minutes after you left I realized I'd wanted you to throw the career aside and say you wanted to be with me. I know it's utterly unfair but that's what I wanted."
I nod slowly, remembering my own sudden confusing anger. "Now that you say it, I know I wanted you to do the same thing."
"I tried to call you but you had your phone off."
"Wanted to be left alone to think."
He gives me a wry smile. "I've spent a lot of time thinking too. And the first thing I thought was that you would pick Magma over me. I was sure of it. I'd pretty much driven you to it, not to mention I know how much you love it. So the rest of my thinking was about how I could keep you and the restaurants. And I decided I couldn't."
I don't understand where he's going with this, and I take a breath to ask why he's rehashing what we'd already established, but he plucks the first page from the stack of papers on his desk and hands it to me.
Seeking a restaurant manager for the newly opened Magma. You will have no control over the food, because we have an outstanding chef already, but will handle all decisions related to staffing and day-to-day operations. The owner won't be interfering at all: you will truly be in charge.
It goes on to describe the ideal candidate's characteristics and experience, but I don't care about those. I have to make sure I understand. "You're giving up Magma?"
"I can't lose you. I love you," he says, and delight spears through me, driving away my confusion. "I was expecting you to make all the sacrifices. Give me up or give up the career you've worked so hard to get, so I can keep all my control just like I always have. And then I'd have what I've always had: not nearly enough. So I'll keep Steel, and I'll get another chef for it, and you can have Magma with the manager handling all the administration crap. And then we can have each other."
I know I should leap on this but I can't. "But... you'll give up Magma. That's not right."
He smiles, shaking his head, and the love in his eyes takes my breath away. "Oh, Mary. You were going to give them both up for me. I can certainly give one up for you. And I will. I will remove myself completely."
"Will you really?"
"Mostly."
I have to laugh. "You're so honest." Somehow that makes it easier to believe.
"I won't lie to you. There's no point anyhow, you know what I'm like."
I smile, and he says, "But I'm changing. I want you in on the interviews and this time I will not hire someone without your approval. Once we've found the right person, I will leave Magma up to the two of you. We'll get that done in a week or so and I'll just let you run Magma until it happens. I'll stay out of it."
"We'll find someone in a week?"
He gestures to the stack of papers, easily an inch high. "These are all faxed resumes. And some of them are spectacular. Yes, we'll find someone fast. I am highly motivated."
He posted the ad already. He's serious. I finally let myself accept it. The king of the control freaks has given up his newest castle for me. Happiness floods me. "Are you?"
He leaves his desk. "Highly," he says, his eyes dancing as he moves toward me. "One might even say passionately."
I shiver as his arms slide around my waist. "Might one?"
He pulls me close. "Definitely. Of course, we did say you should make the decision. So if you'd rather quit, we can go with that."
I lock my arms around his neck, grinning. "What would you do if I said yes?"
He looks deep into my eyes, not grinning back. "I'd find a new chef. If you like your solution better than mine, I'll go with it."
I search his face and don't see even a hint of doubt. He means it. Despite the job posting he's already made, despite knowing I'd certainly end up regretting my choice, he'd go with my decision purely because it was my decision. Sweet mercy, I love this man. "No, I like yours. Trust me. I love yours. But do you really think it will work?"
He kisses the top of my head. "I will stay absent from Magma and very much present with you, and it will work. We will make it work. Let's face it, we'll probably still fight every so often, but I'll make sure it's rare and I promise to make it up to you every time." His arms tighten around me. "I love you."
I bury my face in his chest and squeeze him hard. "I love you too."
We hold each other in sweet silence for a long beautiful moment, then he says, "So, how late are you working tonight?"
His tone makes it clear what he's suggesting, and I laugh. "Apparently I don't have a boss any more. Maybe I won't even go in."
"Yeah, right. How late?"
"I was thinking eleven."
He tips my face up and kisses me with passion and love and joy. My heart overflowing, I kiss him back. When we break apart, he says, "Want to make it ten?" just as I say, "Maybe ten."
We laugh, and he says, 'Great minds think alike," and pulls me in to kiss me again.
A LIFE THAT FITS
Chapter One
I shoved my suitcase into the apartment with my foot and called, "Alex, come help me!" Hearing the barely suppressed annoyance in my voice, I forced away my disappointment that he hadn't met me at the door even though I'd called to let him know I was on my way and added, "Please? I've missed yo
u," making my tone sweet so I wouldn't ruin the moment I knew was coming.
My soon-to-be-fiancé appeared and took the tray of cups and cookies from my hand, and I set down my carry-on bag and stood drinking him in like I'd been thirsting for years. I'd only been away two weeks, but we'd never been apart that long before and I'd missed him beyond anything I could have imagined. With his lean-bordering-on-skinny body dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, and his blond hair cut in a new style that no longer hung over those brown eyes I'd written terrible poetry about in high school, he looked perfect to me.
Or at least, he would have if he hadn't clearly been awkward and uncomfortable.
My heart melted. Of course he was. I felt the same way. We'd been dancing around the 'will we get married?' question for ages. I'd brought it up a few weeks before my trip and he'd said he still wasn't sure, but his nervousness when we'd talked on the phone during my absence had told me he'd decided. He knew I'd say yes, of course, but still, proposing had to be nerve-wracking.
He held the tray before him like he was offering it to me, but I didn't want my coffee yet, and I didn't want him drinking his iced coffee, a drink he'd never asked me to buy for him before, either. I wanted him to propose so I could say yes and cry a little and then we could snuggle on the couch and make giddy plans for our future.
But he didn't seem about to get down on one knee in the hallway, so I said, "Should we go sit in the living room? Oh, and I like your hair."
He turned away. "Thanks," he said over his shoulder. "How was your flight?"
I followed him into the living room and said, "Fine," saving the stories of my seat-mate who'd apparently bathed in a vat of spoiled milk and my 'fruit platter' snack which had been nothing but a blackened banana to tell him later when we'd exhausted the wedding discussion. "The conference went great. Anna and Gary should be thrilled. Tons of new business. And my parents say hi." Since the conference had been held in Vancouver, not far from where my parents had moved when Dad retired, I'd taken a week of vacation to visit them before returning to Toronto and Alex.
Toronto Collection Volume 1 (Toronto Series #1-5) Page 101
