The Crucifixion and Resurrection of Malachi the Queer

by Damian Jay Clay

  Once we’re settled, Catherine goes to the other side of the ward and I can see her talking to four members of staff. More arrive as the conference goes on and at the end she’s talking to a dozen people. In the ten minutes she’s away, a doctor and a nurse go to see Jacob and pull the curtains around him. Then another doctor and a nurse go to see Noah and the curtains are pulled around him.

  A middle aged man in a suit comes down and even though I can’t hear what’s being said I can tell he’s arguing with and dominating Catherine. Then she fires back and he cowers and backs off and seems to agree with everything she says.

  Catherine returns and tells me a doctor will be with me soon. She hands me a cup of water and three different pills to take. I wonder what they are but I don’t ask and she doesn’t say.

  She leaves me with two Irish nurses. After pulling round my curtains they take my robe off. I have to sit up on the bed because I can’t lie on my back. They wash me down with this purple stuff that has an acidic sting.

  Then I hear Noah crying and shouting at the doctor. “I don’t want to. I don’t want to. Stop touching me.”

  I try to get up and go to him but the nurses stop me.

  “We’re not finished. You have to stay still.”

  “Noah needs me. Noah! Noah!”

  It sounds like there is a struggle going on and I hear people run over. Then I hear Catherine telling everyone to get out and things slowly calm down.

  The nurses make me lie on my front so they can wash my back. Even though they avoid the wounds caused by the belt buckles it prickles like blunt needles, more than ever when they go over the burns. They are very slow and very careful. Then they get to my arse and I start to cry with the pain. One of the nurses takes my hand and tells me what a brave boy I’m being while the other one carries on working. They don't go near the burn on my ankle.

  When the nurses finish cleaning me up, they get me to sit up again and help me on with another robe. I can't tell if the wash is soaking the new robe of if I'm sweating from the pain. They take my temperature and blood pressure. One of them puts a cannula into my arm and then draws three vials of blood. She sets me up with a drip then opens the curtains and leaves.

  The curtains around Noah’s bed are still closed and I can only hear the quiet conversation of Catherine and someone else.

  Jacob’s curtains are open. He looks over at me. “You all right?”

  I nod.

  “I’ve got to go for an operation.” He looks scared.

  I want to get up and hug him but I don’t think I should. “We’re going to be all right now.”

  An orderly arrives, pushing a trolley, and the curtains are opened around Noah’s bed. Catherine, a doctor, and another nurse are there. They put the trolley by the side of Noah’s bed and lift him onto it. I don’t know if he’s awake or unconscious and there is a mask over his face. The orderly pushes him out of the ward.

  “Catherine, is he all right?”

  She looks round at me and then leads the doctor to my bed. “He’s going to be fine. He got a little scared but he’s going to be treated now and he’ll sleep through the entire thing.” She sits on the bed at my head.

  The nurse draws the curtains around me.

  “I’m going to look at your back,” says the doctor. He’s a young chubby Indian guy.

  Catherine holds my hand.

  I feel my gown being lifted the doctor touching my back, close to the wounds. He pushes in and pulls my skin back and forth. Then he touches next the wound on my shoulder. I wince and squeeze Catherine’s hand.

  “It'll be all over in a second.” He does this several times in different places on by back, then next to the wound on my side.

  “I’m going to check you down below.”

  “No, nothing happened!”

  Catherine strokes my hair. “Malachi, let him check you over.”

  I feel him pull my cheeks apart and he touches me right by it.

  “I’m sorry,” says Catherine. “It’ll be over in a second.”

  “You’re a brave guy,” says the doctor while looking at my arsehole.

  I laugh.

  “Well at least I know I could get a job as a comedian.” He lets go and pulls the robe back down. “Just sit up for me.”

  I sit up on the bed. Catherine puts a hand on my shoulder and smiles reassuringly.

  The doctor goes behind me. “I’m going to look at this bump on your head. When it happened did you pass out?”

  I feel him pulling my hair out of the way. “No. When it hit my eye I don’t remember anything after that.”

  He moves to the front of me again and pulls out a medical torch from his pocket. “I’m going to move your eyelid out of the way so I can take a look. It’s going to sting a little but I need to look.”

  I nod.

  He moves right close up to me and tilts my head back. He places his hand on the top of my head, then uses his thumb to open my eye. It doesn’t hurt at all. He shines the light into my eye and looks for a couple of minutes.

  He takes a step back, still holding my eye open. “Close your other eye and tell me what you’re seeing out of this one.”

  “It’s all blurry.” I feel a little panicky.

  He lets go and my eye closes over again. “Try not to worry about it. It most likely needs time to heal.”

  He pulls up a chair and sits in front of me. “Now listen, we need to fix you up and do more tests and I think it would be best if you weren’t awake for any of it. It will be much easier for you. You can have a nice sleep.”

  I look at Catherine and she nods.

  “Okay.”

  “We won’t be able to do anything for your eye at the moment. We have to wait until the swelling has gone down and then we can see the state of play. Now there’s a lot more to be said but we’re going to get everything we can done first of all. When you’ve had some rest we can make a plan of action. Just keep your chin up and we’ll have you back on your feet in no time.”

  I'm convinced his name is Dr Cliché. He gets up and chats to the nurse at the foot of my bed.

  I lie back down on my front and Catherine strokes my hair. I’m still crying and looking into the flames. “Nothing happened. Nothing happened.”

  A few minutes later the nurse comes in and injects something into the cannula.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I fall out of a dream about home. I was in my room, identical in every way except smaller and the windows had real bars over them. The door was wide open and when I tried to leave, the fire reared up out of the carpets and forced me back to my bed.

  Now I’m in that place between wake and sleep. It is balmy and divine. Right here everything is tolerable, everything is survivable. If I could only keep my eyes closed and never have to open them again, if I could be somewhere else, away from that which I know is awaiting me. I can't feel any pain any more and that is such a relief.

  I feel my breathing, the friction of the air at my nose, and know I’m starting to reconnect with my body. Someone touches me on the back of my hand and I open my eyes.

  I’m in a small, pale blue ward with three other beds, two on each wall, all close together and a corridor on the other side of me. There are windows at the far left which are open and the sun is shining through. There is birdsong coming from far away. On the right, by the doors, is a nurses desk which is unattended.

  I’m sat up in bed on a strange kind of cushion which is supporting my back without touching the centre where the wounds are.

  Sam is sitting beside me holding my hand. “Good morning.” He reaches to my side table and brings down a cup of water and a little cup of pills. “Your nurse said you were to take these as soon as you got up.”

  Three more pills. I take them at once. As I move I can feel small twinges of pain from around my body.

  “She’ll be in again soon. She’s in a meeting with Catherine and people from the hospital.” He reaches across to my sideboard and picks up a mug of coffee.r />
  “About me? About us?” I finish the drink. I didn’t realise how thirsty I was.

  “Yes. We’re going to look after you. Don’t worry about that.”

  I look around again and can see Jacob on the bed next to me and Noah across from me, both asleep. “Are they okay? Am I okay?”

  “You’re going to be all right. You’ll have to wait for Catherine to get back for all the details.” He looks pained and I know it’s not fair to make him tell me anything but I know he knows there is bad news.

  “Thanks for being there for me.” I squeeze his hand. "Thanks for everything."

  I’m not ready for how drained I feel – talking is an effort – taking the pills was an effort and not without pain as I moved. Sam and I say very little until Catherine and the nurse come in about half an hour later. Sam goes to talk with Catherine while the nurse comes over to make sure I’ve taken my pills.

  She’s young, blonde and Irish. “I’m Candice. I’m going to looking after all of you. If you need anything you let me know.”

  She takes my vitals. By the time she’s finished, Noah stirs and sits up.

  I give him a wave. “Morning.”

  He doesn’t look very happy. “Hi.”

  Candice goes over to him and pulls the curtains around his bed. Catherine comes to speaks to me while Sam sits besides Jacob.

  I smile. I can feel myself doing it so naturally. She smiles back but something about her face tells me horrid news is on its way. I trust her though. I don’t know why I trust her but I do, like I trust Sam. Trust may not have seemed very important to me before, something I rarely thought about. I don’t think I ever trusted anyone because I didn’t tell people who I was or let them in. I never had anyone to let in except for Sam. Maybe that’s it. Sam knows and I’m sure Catherine knows by now I’m an atheist. She certainly knows I’m gay.

  Catherine sits close to me. “The good news is we’ve treated all your wounds and burns. It’s going to take a little time but you’re going fine.”

  Then Sam leaves and Jacob gets out of his bed and sits on the chair beside mine, opposite from Catherine.

  “Hi little buddy.” He holds my hand.

  “How are you?”

  He motions to his stomach. “Pain from the bruising. They did a keyhole thing to fix me and I can’t feel it beyond what it was like already.”

  Catherine coughs. “Malachi, I have to talk to you about something you’re not going to like. Do you want to wail until Noah is done with the nurse?”

  I look back at Jacob. “You know what this is?”

  He nods, then looks over to Catherine. “Let’s wait for Noah.”

  It only takes a couple of minutes for the nurse to finish with him, then Noah gets up and sits on a chair by Catherine. I can’t help but feel there is something seriously wrong with him.

  “Do you want me to tell him?” Catherine puts an arm around Noah.

  He nods and hangs his head.

  Catherine’s voice becomes almost matter of fact. It’s not like there’s no compassion there any more. It’s as if this is some mode of conversation these things should be addressed in. “There was a lot of damage to Noah’s insides.”

  “You’ve fixed it, he’s not going to...”

  “No!” She breaks for a second. “He’s all fine, it’s nothing like that but his insides need time to heal before he can resume normal function again. So we’ve fitted him with a colostomy bag.”

  I don’t need to ask. I know what one is. I’ve been called one enough times at school.

  Noah looks up. “From where Gareth raped me.” He seems cold.

  And I understand at once what this is about. “You looked down there when I was asleep.”

  “We had to check in case damage had been done. It was potentially very serious.”

  Jacob touches my face and I look up at him. “Tyson and Barnabas got me after they’d beaten you. They sent everyone to their beds and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I didn't tell you because I didn't wanna...” Again, he's cold.

  I look into his eyes. "I understand. I get it."

  “We didn’t tell Catherine about what happened to you,” says Noah. “because it wasn't up to us.”

  I nod. I know what they want me to do but I’m not sure if I know any more. “The four of them held me down and did things. I don’t remember. After my first electrocution, Keith forced himself into my bottom.” And I don’t feel like I want to cry. I feel ashamed like I did when I told my parents I was having thoughts about boys. I know I didn’t try to stop him. I feel angry.

  Just like my parents did then, Catherine smiles at me. “That’s what I needed to know.” then the smile falls from her face. “All three of you have been placed on what we call post exposure prophylaxis medication. You’ll have to take it for four weeks.”

  “What’s it for?” It sounds ghastly.

  “It’s in case any of the men who attacked you were carrying the HIV virus.”

  I slam my fist down on the bed. I never even thought about that possibility.

  “I know it’s scary but it’s a precaution. All three of you have tested negative initially but you’ll need another two tests in three then six months.”

  Jacob and Noah both look as scared as I feel. Yet again, we’re all in this together. “I understand.”

  “While we were treating you we took swabs in case there is any evidence. Now a policewoman is going to come in today. She’s going to want to talk to you all and take a detailed statement about what happened. Are you all feeling up to it? Do you want to get it over and done with or shall I put them off? It’s your choice.”

  I look at Noah and Jacob to see if they say anything.

  Noah looks up at Catherine. “Can we do it together – the three of us?”

  “Yes, I’ll insist on it.” Catherine nods.

  “Can you and Sam be there with us?” As long as they are near I know

  I'll feel safe.

  “Yes,” says Catherine, “we won’t leave your side whenever any of you need us.”

  Noah puts his arm around Catherine and leans into her. It’s so unexpected but she squeezes him and kisses the top of his head.

  I take hold of Jacob’s hand again. “Thanks for getting us out of there.”

  He pulls his chair close to me and snuggles against my arm. All of us are silent in this silent room. The thought comes to me. Has all of this happened because we were gay? And my mind replies – what’s deeper than that? Has all this happened because Christians think being gay is wrong? And my mind replies – what’s deeper than that? Has all of this happened because we offend god, because we’re terrible people? And my mind replies – Sin. They make you separate when they say your life is a sin. But if god created everything, why would he create something in us that he was against – it’s absurd. Now put it together.

  They hate us because our existence disproves their god. No rational god would create that which he hated. that’s what’s at the base of it – when they see us, deep down, they know their god is a lie. That’s why they can do such disgusting things to us with no shame – we destroy their god.

  And my mind remains silent.

  “Guys, can you give us a moment?” Catherine sits up in her seat.

  Noah and Jacob go back to their beds.

  Catherine picks up the chart from the foot of my bed. “There’s a few other things. All your wounds have been treated and closed. We’ve done everything we can for your burns, and all but the one on your ankle should fade in time. As well as the PEP drugs, you’re on antibiotics and some painkillers. I want you up and walking around by this afternoon. It’s going to be a little sore but you have to keep mobile. You can go to the toilet by yourself but if you need help ask the nurse on duty.”

  “What about showering?”

  She shakes her head. “You can’t until your wounds have healed and the bandages are off. Will you be comfortable with the nurses bathing you?”

  I know I don’t
want them to. “Can you do it?”

  She nods. “Of course.” She stands up. “I need to go and make a few calls. Look after each other while I’m gone.” She leaves.

  Noah is sitting up in his bed staring into space. His right foot is shaking, flapping. I get up and go to him, my side and back are sore where they cleaned out the wounds and my skin, and, where the belts landed, tight.

  I touch Noah’s hand and he jerks back, then looks at me.

  “It’s all over now,” I say.

  “I don’t know,” says Noah. “My parents are going to come and get me and it’ll be far from over.”

  “I know what you mean. Mine too.” I look over at Jacob, “You’re so lucky you’re sixteen.”

  “You both better listen,” says Jacob, “no matter what happens you both have to survive it. Because I’m gonna come get you the day you turn sixteen and don’t think I’m joking. We’ll have years together and you two … well.”

  “What do you mean, us two,” I say.

  Jacob goes red. “I saw you both the other night. I tried not to watch. Anyway, you were naked together in bed in the morning. If I’d only have seen that I’d have been able to put it together. Do you two think I’m stupid or sommet?”

  Noah covers his face and I can feel I’m blushing.

  “I tried not to look but it was so cute. Are you two … you know?”

  Noah peeps out at me through his hands. He looks scared.

  I lean over and kiss him. Heaven.

  Jacob claps. When I look over at him he has tears flowing down his cheeks. “I love seeing guys kiss.” He wipes his eyes.

  Then Candice comes back in and tells me off for being out of bed, even though Catherine said I was supposed to get up. So I go back.

  She tells us that breakfast will be in about an hour, though if we’re hungry she can order down some toast but before any of that happens, Sam, Catherine and Warren arrive with two large paper bags full of McDonald’s breakfast food.

  “Just so you’re aware ,” says Catherine, “I didn’t approve of this but Warren had bought it already and insisted.”

  As soon as I smell the bacon and sausages I find my appetite at once. Everyone eats like they had been starved for a week, even Catherine.