The Boyfriend of the Month Club

by Maria Geraci

  Ellen was right. Once the station personnel realized who was calling, it only took a few minutes to get to the man himself. Ellen turned up the volume on the radio.

  “Hey, speedsters! This is Speedway Gonzalez, taking you round and round Day-to-na Beach. Guess who’s decided to come out and play this morning? It’s none other than the head honch-ess of the boyfriend club herself, Grace O’Bryan. So, Gracie, first things first. Are you fat?”

  “Yes, I am. I tip the scales at four hundred pounds. Thanks for asking.”

  Speedway chuckled. “It’s not going to be that easy, babe.” He paused. “Gracie, we’re having some technical difficulty. Do you have your radio on? And if you do, can you turn down the volume?”

  “Oh, um, sure. Ellen, can you turn down the radio?” Grace asked. Ellen made a pouty face but she turned the volume dial down.

  “That’s better,” Speedway said. “You weren’t by chance talking to my new best friend, Ellen Ames, were you?”

  “As a matter of fact, I was.”

  “Tell her I went to sleep last night looking at the picture of her in her panties. Tell her I think she’s hot. Tell her that—”

  “You can tell her yourself later. I didn’t call to talk about that.”

  “So it’s like that, huh? How long have you known you like to be on top, Gracie?”

  “All my life, Speedway. That way I can crush my opponents. Don’t forget, I weigh four hundred pounds.”

  “Now, Gracie, you know what happens to people who lie to Speedway. I’ve seen your picture. You’re hot too. Don’t deny it.”

  This was the part when people got stupid. Grace tried to focus on the goal. If she could just get in and say what she had to, then she’d take her chances with Speedway later. “Look, I didn’t call to talk about myself, I called to talk about the boyfriend club.”

  “Okay, you got my attention. Tell us all about the club. But don’t leave out any details. Because you know I’ll find them out.”

  “It all started one Saturday night back in November when I ended up at the Wobbly Duck.”

  “You go there often, Gracie?”

  “It was my first time, actually.”

  “That’s what she said.”

  There was laughter in the studio background as Speedway’s cronies laughed at his stupid joke.

  Patience, Grace. “I went there to meet Brandon Farrell—”

  “Mr. Darcy. Zumba guy, right?”

  “Right. Some of his friends were drunk and they made fun of my family’s store, Florida Charlie’s, so I pitched a hissy fit and walked out on him. Oh, and I also knocked a pitcher of beer over and it spilled onto his crotch. But that was an accident.”

  “Remind me not to ever go out with you, Gracie.”

  “I don’t think that will be an issue. Remember, I weigh four hundred pounds. Unless you’re a chubby chaser. Are you a chubby chaser, Speedway?”

  Speedway laughed. So far, so good.

  “So, as I was saying, after my stint at the Wobbly Duck I went back to my book club meeting—”

  “What kind of chicks meet on a Saturday night to discuss books? Fat ones, right? Oh, except you. We’ve already established that you’re hot. You did say that, right?”

  Grace could feel the sweat pooling in her armpits. It was a precarious road. She tried to think of all the different spins Speedway could put on her answers.

  “I never said I was hot. And to answer your question, yes, all my friends are fat. Just like I am. So, I got back to my book club meeting, and I was angry and I wanted revenge, so I convinced my fat friends to change our book club to a boyfriend club so that we could diss on men. It was childish and petty of us—or rather, of me, because I was the main instigator. My friends Penny and Sarah didn’t want to have anything to do with that, and Ellen, well, she just wants to develop her thesis into a book. But I was out for blood. The men you made fun of on your show were my victims.”

  “Gracie, am I hearing a big mea culpa from you on this?”

  “Yes, Speedway, you are. I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all the men we discussed. Men aren’t books that you can give a thumbs-up or thumbs-down to. They’re like us. They have feelings and reputations, and all I can say is that it got out of hand and I’m sorry if anyone was hurt by this. Especially Joe Rosenblum, who by the way is a fantastic dentist and a terrific humanitarian—”

  “Sounds like you’ve still got the hots for him.”

  “I . . . I do, Speedway. I think Joe is the love of my life.”

  “Is it the drill that turns you on, Gracie? You’ve already admitted you like to be on top.”

  Speedway wouldn’t like that she wasn’t going to answer directly, but Grace had just one more thing to get in. “Oh, and I also want to say that the boyfriend club is dissolved, so don’t bother going to Florida Charlie’s for a meeting. Although please do go to Florida Charlie’s, because there’s some pretty terrific stuff there, like the world’s largest alligator tooth on display until the end of summer. And Felix, if you’re listening, I’m sorry I told everyone about the Céline Dion thing, but I’m not sorry about anything else because you did cheat on me.”

  “No more boyfriend club, Gracie?”

  “That’s it, Speedway. No more boyfriend club.”

  Whew. She wasn’t sure that she’d be able to get it all in, but she had. She’d even managed to get in a plug for the store. Grace smiled to herself.

  “So Gracie, let’s get back to you and that drill . . .”

  She should hang up. Right this very instant. Any more time on the air would only end badly for her. But there was a certain seductive charm in Speedway’s on-air routine. He lured you in and made it seem like you were secret friends. Like the two of you knew something that the rest of the radio audience didn’t. She began to understand why all those people called in to the show. There was a chance—just a slim one, but a chance nevertheless—that you would be the lone caller who one-upped Speedway.

  She tried to take Ellen’s advice and picture him naked, and for a while it seemed to work because she was holding her own against him. But in the end, Speedway did to her what he did to everyone else who called in to his show.

  38

  Reader, It All Worked Out the Way It Was Supposed To

  “What do you think of this one?” Penny passed around a photo proof of her in her wedding dress. They were at Luigi’s, only it wasn’t Wednesday. It was the Friday night before the wedding. The official rehearsal dinner. And it wasn’t just the four of them. Charlie and Sarah sat together on one side of the table, Butch and Penny on the other side, with Grace and Ellen sitting at the ends. Butch’s family and Penny’s aunt from Minnesota had left after dessert to go back to the hotel.

  “Don’t show it to Butch!” Penny said when the picture had made its rounds.

  “Let me guess. It’s white,” Butch said.

  “Wrong,” Penny said. “I would never be that obvious.”

  Butch shrugged. “You know what I’m wearing. I don’t know why I can’t see the dress.”

  “It’s bad luck for the groom to see the bride’s dress before the wedding. I’ll just tell you that it’s not white, and it’s beautiful.”

  Grace had to agree with Penny. And not just because Abuela had made the gown. It was lovely. A not quite taupe, not quite beige off-the-shoulder full-length mermaid wedding dress that brought out every curve in Penny’s otherwise slender frame. Butch wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off her.

  Ellen reached into her bag and pulled out a pen and a yellow legal pad. “It’s a new one,” she said, before anyone could say anything. “Okay, so let’s just make sure all the last-minute details are covered. Dress: check. Flowers—”

  “Brandon has the flower situation under control,” Grace said. “Even though he’s not going to be here, he promised Ben-son’s would deliver everything first thing in the morning.” It had turned out that Brandon’s investment group owned 50 percent of Benson’s Flowers. Grace was
beginning to wonder if there was anything in Daytona Beach that Brandon didn’t own. Or at least a percentage of, anyway.

  Ellen made a notation in the pad. “Flowers: check. Minister: check. Reception at Luigi’s: check. Guest sign-in book.” Ellen looked up from her pad. “Crap. We forgot the sign-in book.”

  “I figured I’d remember everyone who was at my wedding,” Penny said. “It’s not like I invited that many people.”

  Ellen ignored Penny. “Sarah, you’re in charge of getting an appropriate guest sign-in book by tomorrow. The wedding is at dusk, but we’ll need it by at least noon.”

  “Check,” Sarah said.

  Ellen continued reading off her list. “Music: I have a note that says Butch is in charge of that.”

  “Um, I have some bad news,” Butch said.

  All the women at the table turned to glare at Butch. Charlie just shook his head at Butch in sympathy.

  “We still have the violinist who’s coming to the ceremony,” Butch said, causing Penny to let out a sigh of relief. “But the DJ who’s supposed to do the reception canceled on me this afternoon. He’s going to a bike show down in Fort Lauderdale.”

  “You got a biker friend to do the music at the reception?” Ellen asked incredulously. Before Butch could defend himself, she made a notation in her pad. “Never mind, I have it covered. It just so happens I have some very strong DJ connections.”

  “Oh, yeah? Who?” Butch asked. “I don’t want any of that top-forty crap at our reception.”

  “Beggars can’t be choosers, Butch,” Ellen said.

  “You’re not talking about who I think you are.” Grace gave Ellen a hard stare.

  “Jerry and I have been out every night this week.” Ellen’s eyes glazed over in a familiar way. “He’s absolutely wonderful, Grace. Wait till you meet him. I’m bringing him to the wedding as my date.”

  “Jerry who?” Sarah asked.

  Grace didn’t know whether to laugh or shake her head.

  Everyone at the table looked confused. “His real name is Jerry Pike, and yes, his nom de guerre is Speedway Gonzalez,” Ellen admitted.

  Butch’s face lit up. “You’re dating Speedway? And he’s coming to my wedding? Awesome!”

  Charlie just laughed. Sarah and Penny began talking at once.

  Ellen blushed. “I have a strong gut feeling that he’s the one. He’s . . . well, he’s passionate and so well read. Do you know he has a master’s degree in psychology? That whole Speedway thing is just an act. Jerry is actually very sensitive.”

  Sarah’s jaw dropped. “Ellen! You’ve found your Heathcliff.”

  “Let’s hope he doesn’t go psycho on her,” Penny muttered.

  “Speaking of Speedway, I still think you were really brave, Grace, going on his show to talk about the boyfriend club,” Sarah said. “I’m really proud of you.”

  “Have you heard from Joe?” Ellen asked.

  Grace shook her head.

  “Well, I’m happy to report one good thing came out of the boyfriend club,” said Ellen. “Remember Karina and Matt Lakowski?”

  “You mean Colonel Brandon?” Penny said.

  “He read his review online and he was so flattered with how highly Karina thought of him that they’ve gotten back together. She called me the other day to thank me.”

  The conversation at the table went back to Ellen and Speedway, so Grace took the opportunity to lean over and ask Charlie, “You and Sarah are spending the night at the house tonight, right?”

  “Check,” Charlie said, mimicking Ellen. Mami and Pop had gone on their thirty-fifth-anniversary trip to Europe and Grace and Charlie were taking turns staying at the house so that Abuela wouldn’t be alone. “What are you going to do for the next couple of weeks? Lie around on the beach?” he asked.

  Florida Charlie’s was getting a much-needed overhaul. New roof, new bathrooms, new floors. Which meant the store would be temporarily closed. The new billboards announcing their grand reopening celebration next month had gone up on the highway, and Pop had hired a local PR firm to produce the new orange-head commercials. Grace had gone for a costume fitting yesterday. It was . . . interesting, to say the least.

  “Hardly. I have a thousand things to do. I’ll be at the store working while the renovations are in progress.”

  “Don’t forget to wear a hard hat,” Charlie joked.

  “So what’s going on with Phoebe?” Grace asked. “Any news on that front?”

  “Phoebe’s getting transferred to the Miami office. Not her idea,” Charlie added. “And I’ve been made full partner.”

  Grace squealed. “Charlie! That’s fantastic!” She stood up and hugged her brother. Everyone at the table wanted to know what was going on, and so Grace told them the good news and Sarah suggested they raise their drinks for a toast.

  “Oh, and I have an announcement,” Grace said. “Since I was the one who dismantled the book club, I thought it would only be fitting if I revived it again. Only we’re changing the time and place. First meeting is at my town house, the last Sunday of the month at seven p.m.”

  “What book are we going to read?” Ellen asked Grace.

  “I was thinking maybe we should stay away from Austen and the Brontës for a while. How about A Farewell to Arms? I happen to know where we can get an excellent price on a paperback version.”

  “Good idea!” Ellen flipped over the page on her legal pad and began scribbling. “What do you think about setting up a Yahoo! group? That way Penny can keep in the loop while she and Butch are on the road.”

  “Maybe we’d better stay away from Yahoo!,” Penny said, catching Grace’s eye. “You can just text me the info.”

  Ellen nodded. “Can I invite Janine and my other friends from the college?”

  “Sure, but no flyers,” Grace warned.

  “None, I swear,” Ellen said. “This is terrific. Hemingway is so in right now!” She paused. “Would you mind terribly if I invited Jerry? Honestly, he’ll make a great addition to the book club.”

  “Why not?” Grace said. “But let me warn you, if he calls any of us fat, even once, he’s out.”

  39

  Joe, Such a Little Name, for Such a Person

  Grace said good-bye to Marty and told him she’d see him tomorrow at the wedding. After the rehearsal dinner at Luigi’s she’d gone back to the store to take one last look. And to make sure the doors were properly locked, of course. Strange how she was picking up some of Pop’s habits.

  The sign on the glass double doors read “Closed for renovations. Will reopen in three weeks.” She stood back a few feet and glanced at the store. On top of the roof, the big ten-foot pink flamingo next to the Florida Charlie’s sign flashed brightly.

  “Keep an eye on the place!” she shouted.

  Not that she expected the flamingo to respond. That would be too much. But still, maybe if she gave the bird a name, it might loosen her up a bit.

  She rearranged Gator Claus’s bunny ears so that the right ear stuck up properly. “Sorry, I know how much you hate the Easter Bunny costume, but it’s just for a couple more weeks. Then you can start your summer wardrobe.”

  Nothing.

  Grace sighed. “Abuela is itching to sew you something new. I was thinking maybe a military look for Memorial Day. What do you think?”

  Gator Claus stared straight ahead with the same benign look he’d had on his face for the past month and a half.

  “How many times do I have to say I’m sorry? Pop has forgiven me. Why can’t you?”

  The right side of the alligator’s upper snout curled up, ever so slightly. Or was it Grace’s imagination? An idea occurred to her.

  “Stay there. I’ll be right back!”

  She ran into the store, all the way to the back office, and picked up the orange-head costume the PR company had dropped off this afternoon and slipped on the giant head piece, adjusting the eye holes and the mouth section. She calmly walked back out to the front of the store and paraded herself in fr
ont of Gator Claus, making sure he got a good view of her from every angle. If this didn’t thaw Gator Claus out, nothing would.

  “I’m Little Orange Head, and I want you”—she paused dramatically and pointed her finger in Gator Claus’s direction—“to stop by the one and only Florida Charlie’s!”

  Gator Claus grinned his appreciation.

  “I thought you’d like that. Those are my closing lines for the big commercial,” she said with a laugh.

  Gator Claus was talking to her again!

  Okay, not talking to her exactly. He’d never really talked to her, she knew that. But he was listening. She was sure of it.

  “So, back to the new costume. What branch of the service would you like? Let’s not do the Navy because white is a terrible color to keep clean. Plus, there’s all those Village People jokes—”

  “Grace?”

  She froze.

  Why hadn’t she heard his car?

  She had to maneuver her whole head around, because in the orange-head getup she couldn’t see sideways, but there was Joe’s black Range Rover parked in the far corner of the front lot. He must have driven up while she’d been in the office getting the costume.

  She turned to face him. “Hi, Joe.”

  “I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” There was a bouquet of flowers in his hands. But they weren’t red roses. It looked like a mix of daisies and something else, something purple and pretty. Joe had never brought her flowers before . . .

  Grace gulped. “Not at all. We were just deciding on a new look. Gator Claus and I.” It sounded ridiculous. But he already knew she talked to the alligator, so what the heck. “How’s business?” At the look of surprise on his face, she added, “Tanya told me what happened after the Speedway show. The one where, you know . . . all the boyfriend club stuff came out.”

  “I’ve picked up a few new patients this week. They heard you on the radio.”

  “That’s great!” She brushed the edge of her toe over Gator Claus’s right foot. Just for moral support. “So . . . you heard me?”

  “Not live. But I’ve been listening to the best of Speedway.”