by Cathy Zane
Lizzy skipped into the room just as he was pulling her frozen waffles out of the toaster. He smothered them in blueberries and topped them with a generous squirt of whipped cream.
“Yummy!” Lizzy said in approval as she climbed up onto a bar stool at the counter.
Robert readied a breakfast tray as Lizzy devoured her waffles: a single rose in a bud vase, a glass of juice, a cup of coffee, a small pourer of cream, a plate, a napkin, and silverware. He added a small bowl of strawberries and then began cracking the eggs.
“Mommy’s gonna be really surprised, isn’t she?” Lizzy asked through a mouthful of waffle, her lips stained blue from the berries.
“She sure is.” Robert poured the eggs into the pan and gave Lizzy a jar of jam and a plate with a slice of toast. She pushed her waffle plate to the side and got up on her knees on the barstool to take on her task.
Robert finished cooking the eggs, carried the pan from the stove, and scooped them onto the plate. He glanced over at Lizzy. “How’s that toast coming?”
Lizzy proudly lifted a piece of toast overflowing with jam up in both her hands for her father to see. “Good!”
“Great job! You’re my own special sous-chef!”
Lizzy beamed proudly as Robert took the toast from her and placed it on the plate. He picked up the tray as Lizzy hopped down from the barstool.
“You can run ahead and open the door for me. But don’t tell Mommy until I get there. We want it to be a surprise, right?”
Lizzy nodded. “Right!”
“Good. Okay, let’s do this!”
“Yeah!” Lizzy said as she ran up the stairs ahead of Robert.
When Lizzy opened the door, Sarah was awake but lost in thought. She didn’t even realize her husband and daughter were in the room until they both yelled, “Surprise!”
Sarah startled slightly, then smiled weakly and pushed herself up to a sitting position in bed.
“What’s all this?” she asked, trying to muster some playfulness for Lizzy.
Lizzy beamed. “We made you a special breakfast!”
“Because you are such a special mommy!” Robert added as he put the tray down in front of Sarah.
Lizzy excitedly crawled up in bed next to Sarah. “I made the toast all by myself!”
Sarah put an arm around Lizzy and gave her a hug and kiss. “It looks wonderful, sweetie. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome!”
Sarah noticed Lizzy’s blue lips and smiled. “So, did you have your breakfast?”
“Yeah, Daddy made me blueberry waffles.”
Sarah gently touched Lizzy’s lips. “I thought that might be the case! Sounds like Daddy’s been cookin’ up a storm this morning.”
“Sure have,” Robert said. He looked at Lizzy. “And we, my little sous-chef, have a lot of cleaning up to do, so we better get on it and let Mommy enjoy her breakfast.” He lifted Lizzy off the bed and carried her out of the room.
After they left, Sarah absentmindedly picked at her food. She’d been rehearsing how to best tell Robert how angry and hurt she felt about last night before he and Lizzy had come in with breakfast. And now she felt guilty. How many husbands served their wives breakfast in bed? And he was taking care of Lizzy and giving her a break. You should appreciate it instead of being an ungrateful bitch.
Sarah tried to push the anger away by rationalizing Robert’s behavior the night before. He’d been drinking. He hadn’t realized what he was doing. He probably didn’t even remember what had happened. She resolved to focus on the positives: he’d made her breakfast and was taking care of Lizzy, giving her a chance to eat at a leisurely pace and relax on a weekend morning. She smiled and grabbed her book from the bedside table, determined to savor the moment.
Robert had loaded the dishwasher with the breakfast dishes and was sitting at the table reading the paper and sipping a cup of coffee when Sarah walked in with her breakfast tray. He looked up and smiled when she came in. She was still in her nightshirt and thick, fluffy socks.
“You look comfy,” he said.
“Yeah, although I was just thinking I felt a little chilled,” she said, wrapping her arms around her body. “It was so warm and cozy in bed. It was nice to just curl up and read for a while.”
“Good,” Robert said and went back to reading his newspaper.
“Where’s Lizzy?”
“In the den, watching a video,” he replied without looking up.
“Thanks for the breakfast.”
“Sure.” Robert laid down the paper and looked at Sarah, who had just started clearing off her breakfast tray. He recognized from the tone of her voice that she was in what he called her “spacey place.” He wasn’t ever sure what triggered it or what it was about, but she often became distant and checked out. He generally ignored it; he really didn’t want to know more or talk about it. He had more important things on his mind most of the time. But he was feeling somewhat relaxed this morning and thought that checking in with her might assuage any bad feelings she had about last night.
“You okay?” he asked as he got up from the table to help her.
“Yeah,” she said. “Just a little sore from last night.”
Robert thought this was a good opening; an opportunity to make her feel good and steer the conversation away from anything negative. He didn’t want to get into one of those discussions today.
“That’s what you get for being so damn sexy,” he said as he reached down to lift Sarah’s nightshirt. “Should I kiss it and make it better?”
“Robert!” Sarah pushed his hand away and motioned down the hall toward the den, where Lizzy was watching her video.
Robert let go of Sarah’s nightshirt. “I know. Besides, if I go kissing down there I’ll just want you all over again.” He reached out for Sarah’s hand and held it to his crotch. “See, I’m getting hard just thinking about it.”
Sarah scowled and pushed his hand away. “Stop it!”
“Fine,” Robert said, holding his hands up. “I’ll take a rain check.” His strategy clearly wasn’t working. Yet again, how quickly her mood had changed. Describing her as mercurial was an understatement. He internally shook his head. Much of the time his understanding of her was limited at best, but in this moment, he knew it was better to just leave her alone for a while. He kissed her cheek and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. “I’ll be in the den. It’s almost time for the Sonics game.”
Sarah’s anger reared up again as she watched Robert walk down the hall. She listened to the competing voices in her head as if they were dialogue from a movie.
What is wrong with you? Why didn’t you say something?
Don’t do anything stupid. Keep your mouth shut. You don’t want to make things worse.
You are such a wimp. You can’t let him keep treating you like this.
He’s being nice. He made you breakfast. He thinks you’re sexy. Don’t fuck things up. You can’t start something today. Lizzy is here. Be a good parent. Be good so you all can have a nice day today.
The voice that told her to lay low, to appease, to not rock the boat, generally won out. But lately, her angry voice had been getting stronger and harder to contain. And Robert’s responses were getting more intense. He often blamed her. She wondered if he was right—that she pushed him too hard, that she needed to be more mature and rational, less reactionary. Quit being such a drama queen. Sure, he’d been drunk and gotten a little rough last night. Why make it into a big deal? It was a few minutes; it had felt good to him. It had been her turn to give a little. Couples make sacrifices for each other, she reminded herself. That’s how relationships work.
She took a deep breath and looked around the kitchen. Robert had made an effort to get a few things in the dishwasher, but there was still more cleaning up to do. As usual, he’d left most of it for her. She reached for the sponge with one hand and picked up a plastic waffle wrapper with the other as she stomped down on the pedal on the trash can.
Don’t go there, she ca
utioned herself as she took her foot off the pedal and began wiping the counter with the sponge. Focus on the positive. He seemed relaxed and happy today. Maybe this would be a good time to talk to him about the seminar. She’d been thinking about it for weeks, but no time ever felt like the right time. And now she was up against the deadline for the registration, and he was heading back to LA in the morning. She really needed to talk to him today.
If she waited until the game started, he’d be distracted. She finished wiping the counter and rinsed out the sponge. Well, no time like the present. She wiped her hands on a dishtowel and headed to her room to get dressed first. Robert would take her more seriously if she wasn’t in fuzzy socks.
Lizzy was sprawled on her stomach on their bed, chin in hands and still in her pajamas, watching cartoons on the television. Sarah went into the closet. “Emma and Kate will be here soon,” she called out as she pulled on a pair of yoga pants and an oversized sweater. “You should get dressed.”
Lizzy didn’t respond so Sarah came out of the closet and tried again. “Lizzy?”
“Yeah,” Lizzy said, her eyes still glued to the TV.
“Look at me!”
Lizzy dragged her gaze away from her cartoon and looked up at Sarah.
“Emma and Kate will be here soon to pick you up, so you need to get dressed.”
“Okay,” Lizzy said returning her attention to the TV. “This is almost over.”
Famous last words, Sarah thought, but didn’t force the issue. She left the room to go talk to Robert.
Robert was standing with his beer in one hand and the remote in the other when Sarah came into the den. He glanced at her, sat down on the sofa, and put his feet up on the coffee table as he found the right channel.
“Game’s about to start,” he said.
“Can I talk to you about something?”
“Sure. What’s up?” He stayed focused on the TV.
Sarah held out a brochure. Robert glanced at it but didn’t take it.
The words tumbled out in a rush: “I was thinking about going to a writing seminar in San Francisco over spring break. The timing’s perfect and Jenny Sampson, my friend from U-Dub, is going. We could room together to keep the cost down.”
Robert continued to stare at the TV. “What about Lizzy? You know I need to work.”
“I know. I thought of that . . . so I asked your mom and she said she could watch Lizzy while I was gone.”
Robert turned abruptly toward Sarah, his face stern. “You talked to my mother about this before talking to me?”
Sarah felt suddenly afraid and small. It hadn’t occurred to her that arranging this with his mother would make him mad. She’d been trying to take initiative, something he constantly said she didn’t do. You should have asked him first. Why didn’t you think of that? Really stupid of you, Sarah.
She scrambled to explain. “Just to be sure she could watch Lizzy. I knew you’d be too busy. I didn’t want to bother you.”
Robert took the brochure and scanned it briefly. “Why on earth would you want to go to a writing seminar?”
“I really want to start writing again. I’ve been thinking about working on some short stories, or maybe even a book.”
“A book? You can’t be serious. Stop dreaming and be practical. You’d never get a book published. It’d be a complete waste of time and money.”
“But it’s not . . .”
Robert shook his head. “I agreed to let you teach even though I thought you should stay home with Lizzy.” He tossed the brochure down on the coffee table and returned his focus to the TV. “A good mother would spend spring break with her daughter, not run off to San Francisco with some old college friend.”
The doorbell rang before Sarah could think of anything to say in reply. She felt defeated. She knew the discussion was over. She wouldn’t be going to the seminar.
“That’s Kate,” she said, getting up from the sofa and heading for the door. “She’s going to take Lizzy and Emma to the park for a while.”
Robert turned up the volume as Sarah headed for the door. “Great,” he said. “Tell her I said hello. And then bring me another beer, would you?”
Sarah pushed away a twinge of anger as she hurried to answer the door. She reminded herself not to go there. She wanted to have a nice day with Robert today.
She greeted Kate with a hug and held on to her for slightly too long. When she let go, Kate stepped back, looked at her, and tilted her head. “You okay?” she asked.
Sarah shrugged. “I just showed Robert the stuff about that writing seminar I told you about and he doesn’t want me to go.”
“Well, the hell with him. I think it would be great for you to get away. You could use a break. You’re practically a single mother most of the time.”
“Yeah, well, don’t let him hear you say that.”
Kate frowned. “What do you—”
“Hang on,” Sarah said, her face reddening. “I’ll get Lizzy.” She spun away before Kate could ask any more questions. You shouldn’t have said that. Why didn’t you stand up for Robert? Kate will have a bad impression. She’ll think he’s a bad husband. You need to take it back. Say something good about him to her.
She reached her bedroom door to see Lizzy spread out on the bed where she’d left her, still in her pajamas.
“Lizzy! Kate and Emma are waiting for you downstairs. You need to get a move on!”
“Yay!” Lizzy jumped out of the bed and ran down the hall to her room.
Sarah followed, considering what to say to Kate. She could tell her about Robert fixing her breakfast in bed this morning. And watching Lizzy so she could read and relax. That would show she wasn’t a single parent. That will work, she thought confidently as she followed Lizzy into her room.
Sarah went into the kitchen to make some tea after saying good-bye to Kate. She felt relieved that Kate hadn’t seemed to dwell on what she’d blurted out about Robert. In true Kate style, she’d said it was romantic and good of Robert to have taken care of Sarah that morning, adding that we all needed that from time to time. She’d described how wonderful it always felt for her when Will took the kids out for breakfast. Sleeping in was such a luxury!
But Sarah knew she needed to be more careful. She’d let a few things slip with Kate recently. She reasoned that this time it was because she was feeling so off today. She felt irritable and spacey and confused. She wanted to let go of last night. She really did. So why was she having such a hard time shaking it? She filled the teapot with water and turned on the burner. She was sitting on a barstool at the kitchen counter, her head in her hands, when Robert came in.
“Whatever happened to my beer?” he said, irritation evident in his voice.
“Sorry,” she said, lifting her head up. “I forgot.”
He pulled open the refrigerator door. “Obviously. What’s up with you today anyway?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing my ass. You’ve been a total space cadet. You’re not paying very good attention.”
“What do you mean, not paying attention?” Sarah felt the anger rush back and her heart pounded forcefully inside her chest. She told herself to take a deep breath. To not say anything stupid.
“Well, my beer for one.” He popped off the cap and held it up as if to toast.
“I cleaned up the kitchen and got Lizzy ready to go out,” Sarah said, losing the battle to contain her anger. “I’ve been busy with other things. Forgive me, your highness, for forgetting to serve you your beer.”
“Jesus, Sarah. I just asked you to bring me a beer. Don’t make a federal case out of it.” He turned to leave. “Something is definitely up with you.”
“You!” Sarah shouted as she moved toward Robert, her blood boiling. “You are what’s up with me. First you rape me and then you tell me I can’t go—”
Robert whipped around, his face distorted with anger. “Don’t ever let me hear you say something like that again,” he said, his face close to hers.
Sarah cringed and started to whimper.
“Damn it, Sarah,” Robert said, backing away. “Why do you always make me get like this? I’m really tired of your bullshit. That was a terrible thing to say. Why would you say something like that?”
Sarah began to cry more strongly.
“Oh, for God’s sake,” he said as she dropped her head to the counter, sobbing. “Here,” he said, shoving a Kleenex box toward her. “You are such a fucking drama queen.”
He turned and stormed out, beer in hand.
When he was gone, Sarah sat up and took a Kleenex to blow her nose and wipe her face. She couldn’t believe he’d just walked out. It seemed so cold. And to call her a drama queen when she was clearly in pain? That was just mean and unfair. Maybe it seemed like no big deal to him, but he’d really hurt her last night, and he needed to understand how it felt to her. The anger flooded back. She jumped up from the stool to follow Robert—and hit her hand on the corner of the cupboard. Pain shot like a lightning bolt from her hand up her arm and she slumped back onto the countertop, clutching her hand and sobbing deeply. Serves you right. You’re being so ridiculous. You shouldn’t have said he raped you. That was really stupid. Sure, he was drunk and rough, but you’re his wife. He has every right to be mad.
When she felt calmer, Sarah noticed the reddish-blue bump that had formed on her hand. She opened the freezer and grabbed a bag of peas. He’s right. You are a drama queen. You need to get a grip. And go make up.
She could hear Robert yelling at the TV as she approached the den. She paused and took a deep breath before going in. Robert was on the sofa, beer in hand. He glanced up at her as she came in.
“What happened?” he asked when he saw her holding the frozen peas to her hand.
Sarah rolled her eyes. “Being klutzy. I hit it on the corner of the cabinet.”
Robert smiled, reached his arm out, and motioned for her to come closer. “Come here. You can curl up with me and watch the rest of the game.”
Sarah nodded and sat next to him on the sofa. “I’m sorry I got so crazy.”
