by Cathy Zane
Kate’s voice brought her back into the room. “Emma, it’s getting late. We need to get going.”
“Nooo . . . Pleeease . . .We want to play some more.”
“Ten minutes,” Kate said. “Then we go.”
“Yay!!” Emma and Lizzy shouted in unison as they held hands and skipped out of the room.
Sarah stood up and absentmindedly began clearing the table. Maggie and Kate stood up to help.
“Sarah, you seemed pretty worried earlier about Robert’s reaction,” Kate said. “You want to talk about it more?”
“No. I’m fine. I might not even be pregnant. It’s probably just bad PMS. Or maybe I have a tumor or something.”
Maggie frowned. “That’s a positive thought.”
“I’m not serious,” Sarah said. “I just mean there could be some other reason I missed my period—like stress or something. I’m going to stop thinking about it for now.”
“There you go, channeling Scarlett again,” Maggie said.
Sarah smiled.
Maggie smiled back. “At least I got a smile out of you.”
Sarah raised the back of her hand to her forehead and said in her best southern drawl, “Yes, my dear Maggie. Tomorrow is another day.”
Kate laughed. “Okay. Appreciating the humor. But I do want to help if I can. Let me know if you want to talk more or if you want me to go with you to the doctor.”
Why wouldn’t she let this go? Sarah kept her tone light. “Thanks, but I probably don’t even need a doctor. Besides, I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.”
“I know you are.” Kate looked her in the eyes. “I’m just saying it’s okay to lean on your friends now and then.”
“Seriously,” Maggie said. “No need to take this Scarlett thing all the way to martyrdom!”
“All right, I get it,” Sarah said, putting up her hands in surrender. “Thank you both. I will keep that in mind. Now let’s get these girls to bed.”
Chapter 9
Sarah somehow made it through the week, staying busy with work and after-school playdates for Lizzy. But every day that passed without her period nudged her anxiety up a notch. She couldn’t bring herself to do a home pregnancy test. She’d done that when she was pregnant with Lizzy and it had been negative. She remembered how relieved she’d been at the time, only to find out later that she actually was pregnant. She didn’t want to go through that again.
Kate had tried to convince her that the false home test was probably a fluke, but she wouldn’t budge. She needed to know for sure this time. So she’d made a doctor’s appointment for Thursday and arranged a sub for her classes that day. She’d even agreed to let Kate take her.
She and Kate had dropped the girls off at school that morning and then stopped for coffee to kill some time before her ten o’clock appointment. Now in the waiting room, Sarah shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She glanced at Kate, sitting next to her reading a magazine, and felt grateful to have her as a friend. She was so competent and self-assured; nothing seemed to faze her. Sarah wished she could be more like that. She never felt very sure of herself. She felt like an imposter most of the time, trying to look normal on the outside but feeling like a freak on the inside.
“Thanks again for coming,” she said aloud.
“Sure,” Kate said. “I told you I’m happy to help.”
Sarah gave her a watery smile and returned to her inner thoughts.
“Worried?” Kate asked.
“Huh?” Sarah said blankly.
“You seem quiet. I just wondered if you were worried.”
Sarah shook her head. “No. Just thinking about a weird dream I had last night. It left me feeling kind of unsettled.”
“What was it about?”
“I was married to my college boyfriend. I was telling him I was pregnant and he was really excited and happy.” Sarah smiled, remembering how good she’d felt in the dream.
“Did you guys ever talk about kids when you were together?”
Sarah thought back to her conversations with Matt and nodded. “Yeah. He knew he wanted to be a dad. There were times we’d be doing something, like flying kites at Kite Hill or wandering around Pike Place, and he’d make a random comment about doing this with our kids one day.”
“So, the dream makes sense to me. I’m sure it’s hard to think that Robert might not be excited about the baby.”
“We don’t even know that there is a baby,” Sarah said, feeling suddenly uncomfortable and wanting to change the subject. You are so stupid sometimes. Why did you tell her about the dream? You should have kept your mouth shut.
“Well, even so, there’s Lizzy. I know you wish Robert were around more for her.”
Sarah’s eyes welled up briefly and she looked away. She hated how Kate always seemed to see right through her. She did wish Robert was around more. She was tired of feeling so alone. Why did it have to be such a fight with him all the time? He always turned it back on her, as if their struggles were all her fault. She thought back to his response when she’d tried to talk to him at her birthday dinner. He worked hard and provided well for them and thought she was being unappreciative.
Well, he’s right. You should be more grateful for what you have. You know he was clear with you when you got married and had Lizzy. You just never believed him. You and your own stupid fantasy. And now you’re upset all the time about something that’s never going to change. So just buck up. Quit your whining and just accept the reality of it all.
Sarah composed herself and turned back to Kate. “I knew when I got pregnant that work was his priority. I can’t feel sorry for myself.”
“Sure you can. It’s always okay to let yourself feel whatever you are feeling.”
Sarah looked at Kate and felt her throat tighten again. She turned away and swallowed hard to choke back the tears. She was determined not to cry. Why couldn’t Kate just stop talking?
“Sounds like you and this boyfriend were good friends.”
“We were,” Sarah said without looking at Kate. “I never really had that with Robert.” Her words caught her by surprise. It wasn’t something she’d really thought about before, but it was true. Things were different with Robert than they had been with Matt. She and Robert had never been friends. Lovers, yes. Husband and wife, yes. But not friends.
“You mean friendship?”
Sarah startled slightly and turned toward Kate. “Huh?”
“Boy, you are in another world today! I was asking if I heard you right—that you were saying you aren’t really friends with Robert.”
“No. I didn’t mean that.” You’re doing it again, just saying things without thinking. Kate already seems to be down on Robert. Don’t make it worse! “Sure, it would be nice if we had more time together, but that’s just not possible.” She shifted in her chair, sitting up stiffly. “He’s a good provider. I could do a lot worse.”
A medical assistant appeared at the door between the waiting room and examining rooms. “Sarah Jenkins?” she called.
“Well, here goes,” Sarah said as she got up out of her chair.
Kate gave her hand a squeeze. “Good luck!”
Kate watched Sarah disappear through the door. She was such a puzzle. She seemed in her own world much of the time. Withdrawn. Guarded, even. As if she was hiding something. Kate wasn’t sure what that might be, but her gut was telling her that something was definitely off. She shook her head and returned to her magazine.
About twenty-five minutes later, Sarah came back out.
Kate stood up to greet her. “Well?”
Sarah held up an ultrasound picture. “I’m pregnant!”
Kate considered how to respond. She couldn’t tell if Sarah was happy or not. Tentatively, she asked, “And how do you feel about that?”
Sarah grinned. “I’m happy. I wasn’t sure all week. I’ve been feeling so many different feelings. But when I saw the ultrasound, even though it doesn’t really look like much, I knew I wanted it. I want anothe
r baby.”
Kate reached out to hug Sarah. “That’s fantastic. Congratulations!”
“Thanks,” Sarah said, hugging her back.
“How far along are you?”
“Six weeks and two days.”
“Well, this calls for a celebration.” Kate threw an arm around her shoulders. “I’m treating you to lunch. Where would you like to go?”
“Somewhere outside to take advantage of this amazing weather!”
“I agree. I know just the place,” Kate said.
They reached the elevator as the doors were opening. Two people from the rear pushed their way through the jam-packed car to get out. Sarah and Kate stepped aside until they passed and then squeezed into the spots they’d left open, on opposite sides of the elevator.
Kate was excited for Sarah and glad she’d realized that she did want the pregnancy. But she was also feeling a little uneasy about the whole Robert thing. Sarah had seemed genuinely scared last weekend when she first told them. Was that just the pregnancy hormones at play or was there really some threat from Robert? From what she could tell, he was a bit controlling at times, but she’d never considered that he would be violent. She needed to find some way to ask Sarah more about it.
On the other side of the elevator, Sarah’s feelings churned. The joy she’d felt when she saw the ultrasound had caught her off guard. She really wanted this. But a sense of dread quickly crept in on the heels of her excitement. How would Robert respond? How should she tell him? She wanted to tell him in person, but he wasn’t going to be back for two weeks. And that was the weekend of Lizzy’s party. What if he was angry? Maybe she should tell him out somewhere, like in a restaurant. He wouldn’t let himself get angry there. But that would mean waiting until after Lizzy’s party.
The elevator jolted as they reached the garage, interrupting her thoughts.
“Boy, talk about sardines,” Kate said as the entire car emptied out.
“No kidding! A claustrophobic’s nightmare.”
They walked in silence to Kate’s car. When they were both settled into their seats, Kate looked at Sarah. “How are you feeling about telling Robert?”
Sarah hesitated. “He’ll be home in two weeks for Lizzy’s party. I’ll tell him then.”
“I didn’t ask when you would tell him. I asked how you feel about telling him. Are you worried about his reaction?”
Sarah’s cheeks started to heat up. She shook her head. “No, it’ll be fine.”
“But you were really upset and scared last weekend. What was that about?”
“I don’t know,” Sarah said, trying to stay calm. She wanted Kate to stop questioning her. “Probably just pregnancy hormones. You know what that’s like.”
“I do, but are you sure that’s all that it was? What about everything you said about when you were pregnant with Lizzy? How he wanted you to have an abortion? Some part of you must be worried that he’ll say that again.”
“I don’t know.” Sarah felt her irritation building. She’d never really had a fight with Kate and she didn’t want to start now. But she was really starting to piss her off. “I don’t want to think about that right now. It’s a beautiful day and I’m happy and I just want to go have lunch and celebrate.”
Kate wasn’t buying it. She was sure Sarah was avoiding something and wanted to press her more about it. But her gut told her to back off. Sarah was clearly not ready to think about it yet. Robert wouldn’t be home for two weeks. She’d find another time to talk to her.
“Okay then,” she said as she turned the key in the ignition. “Celebration lunch here we come.”
It was well into the second week before Kate finally had another opportunity to talk to Sarah. Sarah had come to pick up Lizzy from a playdate with Emma, and the girls were halfway through an hour-long video. It was an unseasonably warm day, so she’d offered Sarah a cup of tea and they’d settled into chairs on the deck.
Kate was pondering how to broach the subject of Robert and the pregnancy when Sarah started talking about final preparations for Lizzy’s party that weekend.
“I want to thank you again for making the cake. It is really generous of you.”
“My pleasure,” Kate said. “Really. I love baking. I’ve always had the fantasy of owning a little bakery.”
“Really? You never told me that.”
“Yeah. I’ve played with recipes for years and even imagined what the store would look like inside, right down to the sample baskets and hand-written menu board!”
“Why don’t you do that?” Sarah said, lighting up. “I can totally see you doing that! We should all do something we love that much.”
“Like you with your writing?” Kate said, surprising herself with the quick comeback.
“Maybe . . .” Sarah glanced down into her tea. “But I love teaching and that’s what I’m doing now. But you should really look into the bakery thing. Especially now that Emma and the boys will be in school all day.”
“Maybe I will,” Kate said. She appreciated Sarah’s support, but she wanted to shift the conversation back to the party and Robert.
“You really should,” Sarah said.
“Totally.” Kate nodded. “So, back to the party. Do you have everything else ready?”
“Other than a couple of last-minute things, I think I’m good to go. I’ve been trying to pace myself. I’ve been so tired and the nausea has gotten worse. It’s more than just morning sickness. It’s more like all-day sickness. But I’m not throwing up, so I guess I should be grateful.”
“I don’t know. Sometimes I think it’s better to throw up every morning and be done with it rather than feel nauseous all day.”
“Yeah. It’s so draining. I just want to go to sleep to get away from it. I’m having a hard time finding anything appetizing.”
“I remember it well.” Kate shuddered slightly, revisiting her own pregnancies. “I was so glad it only lasted until twelve weeks.”
Sarah moaned. “Ugh! I’m barely eight weeks and feel miserable! I didn’t have it this bad with Lizzy.”
“Maybe that means it’s a boy!”
Sarah smiled. “I’ve thought that too. I’d like a boy. And that might make Robert happy too.”
Kate saw her opening. “I wanted to ask you about that. The last time we talked you didn’t really want to think about what Robert would say. How are you feeling about all that now?”
Sarah’s body tensed. Not again. Why couldn’t Kate just leave it alone?
“Oh, I’ve been so busy, I haven’t really given it much thought,” she said. What a lie. It was all she’d been thinking about. How to tell him. When to tell him. Whether to tell him. He was never around. It would be another month or two before she started to show. Maybe she should just wait until then.
“But he’ll be home for the party this weekend, right?”
“Yes. Of course. He wouldn’t miss Lizzy’s party.”
“So, you must have thought about when to tell him. You’ve made some kind of plan, right?”
The anxiety she’d been suppressing boiled to the surface and Sarah wrestled to keep the looming panic at bay. Why was Kate pushing her so much? Why didn’t she just mind her own business? She wasn’t helping. Sarah didn’t know what she was going to do. And she couldn’t think about it right now. She needed to stay focused on the party. It had to be a nice party. She wanted everything to be perfect for Lizzy.
“I really don’t know, exactly,” Sarah said, looking Kate squarely in the eyes. “But I’ll figure it out.” Kate frowned and Sarah looked away. “Really,” she said, her voice wavering slightly. “It’s no big deal. Right now, the party is what I need to be thinking about.”
“I’m sorry,” Kate said softly. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ve just been worried. You seemed so stressed and scared that night at your house. I’m just trying to be a friend and be supportive.”
Sarah’s chest tightened. Don’t be such a bitch. Kate has been really good to you. She’s just being a
good friend. It’s not her fault your relationship is so fucked up. Why do you have to be like this? You should apologize. “I’m sorry, Kate. I’m just tired and hormonal and nauseous. I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine. Really. It’s no big deal.”
“And you would tell me if it were?”
“Of course,” Sarah lied. “But now I’m fine. And I want all your energy focused on making a wonderful bunny cake!”
Kate smiled. “Okay then. But I’m holding you to your promise. You will talk to me if you need to, right?”
“Yes,” Sarah said. “I promise.”
Chapter 10
Sarah turned off the overhead lights as the last student rushed through the door. She paused for a moment, enjoying the natural light filling her empty classroom. She was grateful the sunshine was forecasted to last through the weekend. She had been worried they might be stuck inside for the party. Robert would not have handled that well! Nice weather definitely made everything easier. She would center most of the activities outside. Robert would probably retreat to his study, but at least he would be there. That was all that mattered.
She hummed cheerfully to herself as she packed up her things to leave. She’d carefully planned all the details; she was sure it would be a wonderful party. Lizzy was beside herself with excitement. Sarah had barely been able to get her out the door to school this morning. Thinking about this made her smile and helped her push away the nagging unease that had been with her all week—especially since her conversation with Kate.
Kate was right. She needed to talk to Robert about the baby. But she couldn’t think of any good way to tell him. The longer she waited the worse it would be, but she was afraid of his reaction. Her stomach clenched and she struggled to reassure herself. He might be upset at first, but he’d come around to see it as a good thing. Just to be safe, she’d wait until after the party.
