My First Love and Other Disasters

by Francine Pascal

  “Victoria!” It’s Barry calling me. I’m floating with my eyes closed, but he knows I can hear him, so I turn around and swim toward his side.

  “I’m going to put up a barbecue,” Barry says. “Can you stay?”

  This whole thing is bad news and I know I should get out fast but I can’t. I want to be with Jim, even if Gloria is here too.

  “Sure,” I tell Barry. “I’d love to.” And I pull myself out of the water. “It’s great,” I say to Gloria in my friendly, outgoing voice.

  “It looks terrific but it kills my hair.” She doesn’t even sound bitchy like the last time I met her. “I have the same problem as you do,” she goes on. “My hair looks horrible when it’s wet.” I was wrong.

  “Anybody want a Coke?” Barry asks.

  “Yeah, I’ll take one,” Jim says, and Barry goes in the house to get them. “How do you like it out here?” For a second I don’t even realize Jim is talking to me. It’s like he hasn’t seen me since the first day at the pier. Like there was no night on the pier. I guess it’s because of Gloria.

  “I love it out here.” I play along.

  “How’s Cynthia?” Gloria asks, and her voice actually is rather pleasant. I wonder why I hate it so much.

  “She’s terrific,” I tell her. “Really super and I love the job.”

  “I’ll just bet,” she says, really snotty.

  “Where are you staying out here?” I ask, and she practically laughs in my face.

  “You have to be kidding. Where do you think I’m staying?” And she looks at Jim and nods toward me and shakes her head like I’m some kind of a moron. Jim doesn’t say anything but he looks very uncomfortable. How am I supposed to know who she’s staying with? But she obviously wants me to guess, so like a dope I say, “Relatives?” And she cracks up.

  “I don’t know. . . .” She’s full of giggles, burying her head in Jim’s chest. “Are you my relative?”

  I don’t believe it. She’s just putting me on.

  “Hi, cuz,” she says cutesy-poo-like, poking Jim in the stomach with her little finger.

  “Yeah . . . ,” Jim says, blushing a little but still kind of enjoying it.

  Unreal! She’s not putting me on. She really is staying with him! All I can think of is that she’s only a year older than me and she’s practically living with someone. So what if it’s only for a couple of days, that’s still pretty wild for only a high school junior. That’s all she is, you know, a junior. I’m stunned but I disguise it with a real cool face and a kind of that’s nice, so what else is new look. I’m not about to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she’s blowing my mind.

  “Sor-ry, didn’t mean to shock you,” she says right into my hopeless see-through face. What I’d really like to do is let her know what her lover boy has been doing before she got here. But I can’t because it’s not so great for me either. I don’t say anything but I give Jim a look like he’s a real two-timer. And he reads me so perfectly he takes off. Right into the pool.

  I figure since my hair looks horrible already, as Gloria so kindly reminded me, I have nothing more to lose, so I jump in after him. Anything is better than standing there listening to that.

  I know that it’s rotten for him to do that to Gloria, but I’m the one who feels lousy. After all, it’s not so bad for her—she doesn’t even know. How could he do that, pretend to be so interested in me when all along he knew he had this relationship with someone else?

  I’m swimming around thinking all these angry thoughts and I don’t even notice where I’m going so, sure enough, I swim right into his feet. It’s always like that with me. I mean, it might be sort of romantic if I accidentally swam into his arms, but his feet? I’m hopeless. Anyway, we both come up out of the water, and he sort of grabs me around the waist and says, “You okay?”

  I picked up a mouthful of water that I don’t feel like spitting out right in front of him so I just nod my head, okay.

  He smiles at me. A private, warm hi-there-honey smile that makes my whole body whoozy. Boy, he just knocks me out. I wish he didn’t because I’m beginning to think maybe he’s not so great. “Sorry for that,” he says, nodding back toward Gloria.

  Maybe he was trapped into having her out. I mean, maybe he promised a long time ago, before me anyway, and now he couldn’t get out of it. It could happen that way, you know. I decide that that’s exactly what did happen, and I smile.

  Mistake. I still had a mouthful of water. Beautiful the way it comes running down from between my teeth and down my chin. But Jim’s not turned off.

  “Looking good,” he says and starts to laugh. Nice like. Very nice. I sneak a look over my shoulder to see if Gloria is watching and she is. But so what? There’s no law against talking, is there? Still, I cool it a little and start swimming around.

  After a while we come out of the water and Gloria must sense something because she’s really icy to me. Maybe she just plain doesn’t like me. That’s okay with me. I don’t like her.

  I head for the bathroom to make repairs on this gross hair and Gloria follows me. I don’t actually turn around to see her, but you know how sometimes you can practically feel somebody behind you? Especially if it’s someone you don’t want to be there?

  Barry’s sister, Kathy, gives us directions to the bathroom and hands me a blow dryer. Hint, hint.

  “Want me to help you with your hair?” Gloria asks me, and I try not to look stunned.

  “Yeah, sure, if you don’t mind.”

  “No problem,” she says. And she plugs it in and starts doing my hair. I’m probably going to end up looking like I was plugged in but I’m lousy at saying no.

  “What do you think of Jimmy?” she asks.

  “Okay, I guess,” I say.

  “That’s all? Boy, he’d be crushed to think there was somebody who didn’t think he was gorgeous.”

  “Well, he is very good looking.”

  “Nobody knows that better than he does.”

  “If you think he’s so stuck on himself, how come you’re always hanging out with him?”

  “Well . . .,” she says. And for the first time her eyes don’t look so vacant and she doesn’t seem quite so sure of herself.

  “ . . . I guess, maybe, I’m sort of stuck on him too.” She waits for me to make a comment but I can’t think of anything nice to say, so she goes on.

  “A lot of girls are always throwing themselves at Jimmy.” Now she snaps off the blower and looks straight at me. “And he’s always nice to them but they don’t really have a chance. We’ve been going together for almost a year now and it’s a pretty solid relationship.”

  I don’t say anything because I don’t want to hurt her even if I’m not exactly crazy about her.

  “It’s tough to keep a good thing going when all sorts of girls are always getting in the way,” she continues. “But he’s only human, you know, so naturally he’s going to respond . . . sort of. I don’t really feel that threatened. Still, I could do without the interference. I suppose if he wasn’t so gorgeous it wouldn’t happen—but then if he wasn’t so gorgeous maybe I wouldn’t like him so much.”

  All I can think of is that no matter how blue those eyes are or how silky that hair is I’m glad I’m not Gloria.

  But I know what she means. Turns out that fancy hotstuff Gloria is hooked even worse than me. Worse because she knows something funky’s going on but she’s so knocked out about him that she just sticks around and takes it. I don’t think I could ever do that. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think what Jim’s doing is so great either—I mean, seeing another girl while he’s supposed to be going steady. Still, it’s probably hard for him to break away from Gloria because it’s been so long now.

  “One time,” Gloria says, and she sounds sort of sad, “way in the beginning when we first started dating, we went to an opening of this off-Broadway play and some guy thought we were movie stars, which freaked us both out. When we told him we weren’t, he said we should be and that we m
ade a perfect couple—I mean, we looked so right together, what with the same color hair and all that. Maybe that’s not so good. Maybe I’d be better off with someone a little more ordinary. Probably be a lot easier.”

  It’s like she was talking to herself, so I just sit there quietly looking in the mirror.

  “What do you think?” she asks me.

  “I don’t know. I guess you can’t always help who you fall for.”

  “Save the Ann Landers bit,” she says. “I meant your hair.” Just when I was beginning to like her a little she goes back to the old Gloria bitch. “Well, do you like it or not?”

  “Oh . . . it’s very nice.” I wish I was gutsier. It looks awful and I’m sure she did it on purpose. “That’s okay,” I say. “I’ll finish up.”

  “Sure ’nuff,” she says, and dumps the blower in my lap, still roaring and plenty hot, and disappears.

  I finish up the best I can and go back outside.

  Barry is fooling around, trying to light a fire, and everybody is telling him how to do it and naturally no one knows what they’re saying. I just sort of melt in with the crowd. Jim gets us all beers and I sip on mine. I don’t like beer—in fact, I really hate any kind of alcohol. It tastes awful. A couple of times on holiday dinners at home I’ve got a little giddy on wine but that’s all. I guess I’ll never be much on drinking unless they come up with something that tastes a whole lot better than Scotch. Ugh!

  “I’m going to ride some waves,” Jim announces after a while. “Anybody coming?”

  Gloria takes it as a personal invitation and whines, “Ohhh . . . Jimmy, it’s too cold. Brrr . . .”

  She’s too much. It must be ninety.

  “I’ll pass on it,” Barry tells Jim. “I want to get this fire under control.”

  Now Jim looks at me. And Gloria looks at me. And Barry looks at me. My mind is racing around in a quick think. I know exactly what I should do. A lot of help that is.

  “Sounds good to me,” I say, doing the exact opposite, and he says terrific, and before anyone can add another word we both turn and race off toward the beach. I don’t care so much about Gloria but I feel a little bad for Barry. I know I didn’t come here as his girlfriend, but still I wouldn’t want him to think I’m trying to get a thing going with Jim right in front of him. After all, all I’m doing is going for a little swim. Oh, who am I kidding!

  The water is sensational. It’s rough and the undertow is strong but the waves are just perfect for riding. I think Jim is a little surprised at how good I am in the water, especially after someone like Gloria. Bearing that in mind, I show off a little and scare myself half to death a couple of times. I’m actually risking my life to impress Jim. I must be nuts or really crazy in love with him.

  We have a super time and he shows me how to ride the waves with our arms around each other, and then he rides the waves with me sitting on his back like I’m on the surfboard. It feels like we’re only out there twenty minutes or so, but from the looks of where the sun is it must be a lot longer. We’re exhausted when we get out of the water and both of us collapse on the hot sand.

  “You swim like a fish,” he tells me. What he doesn’t know is that I’m not all that good but I never worked so hard at anything in my entire life. It shows what you can do if you really knock yourself out trying. Funny, but in this relationship I seem to be surprising myself all the time.

  “Maybe we should go back,” I say presently. I start to get up but he pulls me down. “I think the food’s probably ready by now,” I add.

  He starts to kiss me but I pull away and look around, especially back toward the house. Thank goodness nobody’s in sight.

  “I really think we should get back,” I tell him. “Besides, somebody could be looking. Gloria or somebody.”

  “Sure,” he says, “no big deal. Let’s go back.”

  Then I think maybe he gave up a little too easily. I must be really freaking out. I don’t know what I want anymore.

  When we get back to the pool nobody’s around, so we head toward the house. I get a sinking feeling that it’s really late. I mean, we must have been fooling around out there for probably a couple of hours. It feels sevenish.

  From the pool you have to go through an enclosed patio. Bad news. The clock says almost seven thirty. I can’t believe we were out that long.

  “Hey, Barry! Gloria?” Jim calls their names as we walk into the den. “Where is everybody?” Barry’s sister is sprawled on the couch with her friend, watching TV.

  “Oh, boy, are you two in trouble,” she says, the typical brat sister. I shouldn’t have wasted my time being nice to her. I can tell she’s even worse than Nina.

  “Barry around?” Jim asks as though she hadn’t said anything.

  “Uh-uh.” She’s an expert. She’s going to make him crawl for it.

  “Where is he?” Jim finally asks.

  “Out,” she says, and doesn’t even look away from the television.

  “What about Gloria?” You can see he’s really getting teed off.

  Kathy shrugs.

  “Now look,” Jim says, snapping off the TV. “Talk! Where’d everybody go?”

  “Barry’s out at the ice-cream shop. He said he was going to work a couple of hours and Gloria said that she’s going home and to tell you . . .” And she stops and smiles up at him.

  “Tell me what?” he says, falling right into her trap. Even I can see it’s going to be fatal.

  “Turn the TV back on first,” she says, still with that disgusting grin.

  He turns it back on.

  “She said to tell you . . .”

  “Yeah?” he says.

  “Drop dead!” And both she and her friend crack up and practically fall on the floor in hysterics. Best day they’ve had since the cat was run over.

  Jim charges out of the door and I follow him. “Monsters,” I tell him. “I know because my sister’s just like that.”

  “I can’t stand that kid,” he says, and I can see he’s aggravated and it’s probably not about Kathy. Probably about Gloria. This whole thing is really a mess now. It’s not exactly fair because mostly we were just swimming. Oh, who am I fooling. It was awful.

  Then he surprises me and instead of going after Gloria he asks me if I want to go over to The Monkey for a while.

  I don’t know. It’s so bad already I don’t suppose it’s going to be any worse if we go over and have a few dances. So I say yes.

  The Monkey is one of those places that is always jammed.

  It’s not even eight o’clock and you can hardly squeeze in the door. I spot Anita and Dana and they see me and we wave. I’m glad they see I’m with Jim because I told them I would be anyway. At least one thing worked out.

  Jim leads me to the dance floor and we start to Hustle. They have “Don’t Leave Me This Way” on and it’s one of my favorites. I know this whole thing’s not exactly working the way I planned, but still, I’m not complaining. I am actually out on a date with Him. I’ve been waiting for this night since I first saw him last September. He’s different than I thought he was but I still think he’s outrageous and I really am crazy about him.

  The next record is real slow: “You Make Me Feel Brand-New.”

  He holds me close and we barely move. My head is against his chest and he smells sort of salty and nice. I hope Anita and Dana see us. After all, he is horrendously handsome. Oh, God, everybody’s going to just die when we get back to school this fall. Imagine me being Jim Freeman’s girlfriend. I’ll go to all the tennis matches and sit in those special seats right behind the team. That’s where their girlfriends sit and everybody knows it and looks at you. And then we’ll eat together in the lunchroom. Anybody on the varsity team always gets to sit in this side section of the lunchroom that’s just reserved for them. It’s not really reserved but that’s just the way it works out. It will be so fantastic, and then maybe I can even get Steffi a date with one of his friends, and then if they like each other we can double-date. Oh, this yea
r is going to be the greatest in all my life. I just know it.

  I’m so into these gorgeous thoughts that I’m not even aware that Jim is holding me tight and whispering something into my hair. Then I lift my head and I bump his chin a tiny bit, which catches the tippy edge of his tongue and makes him pull back just a little. These things never happen in movies, do they?

  They probably don’t even happen in real life except to klutzes like me.

  “Let’s go sit on the pier,” he whispers and starts to move me off the dance floor. But I stop him and tell him we only just got here and it’d be fun to dance a little longer.

  “We’ll come back later.” Now he’s sounding very insistent and I’m beginning to feel very confused. The first thing that comes to my mind I really don’t like but there it is. Looks to me like he’s in a mighty big hurry to get out there on the pier again, and I know it’s not just to talk. That thought gives me a funny feeling. I’m not really sure what it is but I know it’s not so good.

  He smiles and gives me a sexy little wink and says, “Come on, I won’t bite you.” And it’s very tempting, but something happens inside my head and I just don’t move. He looks surprised and I guess I am too.

  We’re standing there in the middle of the dance floor and he’s saying come on, and I’m saying I don’t really want to right now, and this goes back and forth and finally he walks off the floor. I don’t want to just stand there, so I follow him to the bar where everybody is standing three deep. I feel bad and very embarrassed, very depressed, like I could cry any minute. But I don’t. I just stand there next to him and we both pretend we’re watching the dancers.

  He’s still next to me so maybe it’s not so bad. I turn to look at him, but he pretends he doesn’t see me and just stares straight ahead.