my life as a pop album

by LJ Evans

  “He wants to know if we want to stop for food at the diner five miles ahead or if we just want to wait ‘til we get to the caverns and make something in the bus?”

  “You have food on the bus?” I asked surprised, and he held up seven fingers to mean than I had just asked question number seven. I shook my head in disgust.

  “I’m easy,” I responded and then blushed and thunked my head momentarily on the steering wheel as he laughed out loud at yet another double entendre that I’d let slip.

  “Let’s just make something at the caverns. We’ll be there in about twenty, anyway,” he said into the phone. Pause. “Sounds good.”

  He turned to me. “You are a mystery, Miss Mia.”

  “Hardly.”

  “Very much so.”

  But he didn’t ask me anymore questions as we wound our way to the caverns using the Google Map lady to guide us. “I think I could fall in love with this lady,” he said when she got us to the caverns without any mishaps.

  “She’s too old for you, moron.”

  He laughed.

  At Alabaster Caverns, we made grilled cheese sandwiches in the bus and the guys clowned around as always. I changed in the tiny bathroom while the guys changed anywhere they saw fit, and I had to look away.

  Derek was impressed with the gear I had bought. “You’re really invested in this now, are you?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Well, I didn’t want to continue with the hazzing suit.”

  He pulled me to him and kissed me. Just a quick kiss, but it still curled my toes in my new boots. “Wh-what was that for?”

  He smiled. “Because you’re cute when you eye-roll.”

  I couldn’t help it, really. The second eye-roll just happened as part of my every day existence, but it got me another kiss.

  “Are you kids ready?” Lonnie asked with his loopy smile. It was just Lonnie, Owen, Mitch and us again. No Rob. He’d stayed in Oklahoma City with Trista. He’d meet up with us in Denver.

  We put on our packs. Derek helped me fill mine with the important gear and lights, then we headed out with the permits that Owen had gone and obtained for us. We were “wild caving,” which meant we were on our own. I wasn’t nearly as nervous as I had been in Tennessee, but I still had some butterflies. I was trusting a group of nothing more than adolescents to take me in a cave through tight spaces, rock climbs, and dark tunnels. I could hear Mama in my head screaming, “Run, Forest, home.”

  I didn’t think of my solo kidney often. Other than a side thought when I was feeling guilty over Jake or when I went for my annual check-up to make sure nothing was out of whack internally because of it. But, I also realized that rock climbing probably wasn’t something that would be on my doctor’s approved activities list.

  When we got to the cave entrance, Derek double checked my lights and equipment as if sensing that I was nervous. “You got this, Phillips?” he asked in his serious coach voice.

  It was cute. Still all sexy BB and yet also cute. I smiled at him. “Yep, Coach Waters, sir,” I teased, and he smiled that smile that made my heart ache.

  “Did you warn her about the bats?” Lonnie asked.

  “Stop teasing me, lumberjack,” I couldn’t help but quip back, but all the boys stared at me. Including my gorgeous BB.

  “Wait, there’s really bats?” I said a little breathless.

  Derek nodded. “Yep. In fact, they don’t even let anyone cave in here for part of the year while they hibernate.”

  “Stop teasing me,” I said, but I had a sinking feeling they weren’t.

  “You got this. They hardly ever bother the humans. They’re more afraid of us than the other way around,” Derek said.

  “Um… Somehow I doubt that,” I said.

  But they didn’t let me think about it. We were in the caves and moving before I could say or think much more. Because, really, it was the thinking that usually got me into trouble.

  I soon lost myself inside the peaceful darkness like I had in McMinnville. The cool, quiet air. The beauty of the formations standing as they had for centuries. The challenge of the spaces. It was something that even Good Girl Mia didn’t seem to mind because she was quiet in my brain the whole way. Or maybe Other, Adventurous Mia was taking over more than ever.

  At one point, I could hear the bats. Little shuffling noises that were high above me and made my heart skip a beat, but I just reminded myself that they didn’t eat humans. At least not that I knew about. I continued on into the next chamber where there was no sound again.

  About an hour and a half in, we went through a really tight spot. We had to climb up a little and then squeeze through a crevice to the other side. I hadn’t had any problems with the tight spaces the other day, or so far today. I hadn’t panicked or embarrassed myself yet which I considered pretty good, but then, about halfway through the crevice, I got stuck. Backpack and E-boobs… um, not always a great combination in the middle of a cave.

  The more I struggled to get through, the more I seemed to jam myself in.

  Owen was behind me. I could hear him in the crack not too far away. Mitch and Lonnie had gone ahead, followed by Derek. Then me. Owen was the caboose as he had the most experience.

  I tried not to panic but a well of fear curled up from my stomach to attack my heart. I felt a rush of blood come and leave my face. Nausea hit me.

  I knew Owen was nearby and that Derek was only a few inches away, just outside the fissure waiting. I wasn’t alone. But I was stuck. Butterbeer!

  “Hey, Phillips, what’s the hold up?” Derek called back. He didn’t sound concerned yet.

  Breathe, Mia, breathe, I told myself, and I took a huge breath in and out to try to calm the racing in my heart and to relieve the twirling in my stomach.

  Owen reached me. “Hey,” he said calmly and quietly.

  “Hey to you too,” I said, but my voice was shaky.

  “Mia?” Derek’s voice was concerned now because I hadn’t answered. No Phillips this time.

  “I’m stuck,” I called back.

  “Stuck?” Derek said, and there was laughter in his tone as well as relief.

  “Yes, moron, stuck.”

  “Like your foot?”

  I looked at Owen and rolled my eyes in the greenish twinge of our cave lights. I could vaguely see his distorted smile that returned mine. If I was a more fearful girl, I’d say it looked manic and crazy, like I was going to get eaten for dinner, but really, it was just the lighting, my overactive imagination, and my panic speaking.

  “Um. No. Not my foot,” I called to Derek, but Owen started chuckling because he realized quick enough that it was my boobs and backpack that had wedged me in.

  “What…” Derek started and then stopped as he realized just what I was talking about even without seeing me. He burst out laughing. I was so going to smack him when I reached him. “Just push them in, Phillips. It’s just fatty tissue.”

  I thunked my head against the cave wall. “How would you like your balls squeezed between a rock and a hard place?” I shouted back at him.

  “Totally different animal. I’m going to have to give you some anatomy lessons.”

  And even though I was stuck, embarrassed, and annoyed, that still hit me in the loins like a forbidden kiss. Holy potato peels, I had it bad for this boy.

  “Let me see if I can push on—” Owen started.

  “—no!” I cut him off.

  Owen laughed too. “Your pack, Phillips. Just going to push on your backpack. I kind of want to keep my hands attached to my body, and Derek would cut them off along with my balls if I touched anything else.”

  Owen pushed on the pack, and it budged a little.

  “Owen, you there?” Derek called out.

  “Yep, I’m here.”

  “What’s the situation?”

  Owen laughed hard. “She’s stuck. Like she said.”

  “Have her take the pack off,” Derek suggested.

  “Really, asshole?” he called back at the BB. To me, h
e said, “I’m going to push the pack, can you get your hands up and kind of… well… um.”

  “Squeeze my boobs?” I helped him out.

  He nodded, but I swear he flushed in the stupid cave lights.

  He pushed the pack, I smooshed by boobs as best I could from the angle I was at, and eventually I felt my body inch to the side. With that, I could slide my shoulders from the backpack and then ease forward, dragging the pack behind me.

  I made it through the crevice to the other side and there was Derek, grinning in the stupid weird glow of our lights. He pulled me to him and hugged me, but I smacked him in the chest. “Just fatty tissue, huh?”

  I tried to pull away but he pulled me tighter, wrapping a muscled arm around my shoulders, tugging me close so he could whisper in my ear, “I can massage them later for you.”

  And I was a puddle of goo again.

  Owen came through the crevice behind me. “I guess we have to recalibrate our tunnel runs for our new proportions.” He was chuckling. I glared at Owen as both he and Derek rumbled with laughter again. Mitch and Lonnie, who’d gone ahead, finally came back to us.

  “What’s the hold up?” they asked.

  “Phillips got stuck,” Derek said with his happy grin. I hit him again. “What? You did.”

  “You guys have no sense of privacy.”

  “Awww. Did you really get stuck? Or did you have to take a piss?” Lonnie asked with a smile.

  I know I turned a million shades of pink, but at least the lighting was poor, and I was pretty sure I could play it off. “No, dummy, I got my pack stuck.”

  “And that’s not all,” Derek laughed.

  “You are so dead, mister,” I mumbled and tried to huff my way over to Mitch, but he grabbed my wrist and held me back.

  The boys were laughing and moving off towards the other side of the little opening. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Derek asked, and this time his voice was quiet and concerned, and his eyes looked stormy black in the half-light.

  “Yes. Sore. But fine.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes, moron, let’s go.” I let him lead me, hand still grasped around my wrist through the rest of the caverns. He stayed closer to me now, wouldn’t leave me as far back as he had in the past. That was fine. But I didn’t get stuck again.

  It was late afternoon by the time we emerged on the other side, the hazy sunshine making me squint. I was filthy, but happy and tired. Probably more tired than I’d been in ages. I hadn’t had much sleep the last couple nights, and then the climbing, hiking, and crawling on top of it.

  We took a selfie at the exit. Dirty and happy. I posted it on Instagram and then sent it to Mama and Cam just so they would believe me.

  We made our way down to the park’s restrooms, hosed off outside and then went in. I showered, and was out in my t-shirt and shorts again, in no time. I made my way over to the motorhome that the boys liked to call their tour bus.

  “Anybody home?” I called out.

  I was pulled further into the bus towards the little back bedroom by a hand that I was coming to know as well as my own. And then I was being kissed. Hard, passionately. His hand when it touched my breast was gentle, but it still hurt. My boobs were really sore. My breath hitched of its own accord, and Derek pulled back.

  “You really aren’t okay?” Concern glittered in his stormy gray eyes.

  “I’m just tender. No biggie,” I said with a shrug. “They’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  He didn’t look like he believed me.

  “When are we heading out?” I asked.

  He gave me a puzzled look and then realization dawned on his face which made me nervous again. “Shit, we made reservations to spend the night here.”

  “Here? As in at the caverns here?”

  “Yes. In the bus, here.”

  I stared at him.

  “You want me to spend the night here in the bus with you and your three overgrown teenage boys?”

  “Wow, that sounds really bad when you put it that way,” he said.

  “You’re awful.”

  “We have the big bed to ourselves.” He waggled his eyebrows at me and pulled me down so that I was sitting on his lap on said big bed, which was really the size of maybe a full mattress. I’d hardly call it big.

  “You’re gross,” I responded.

  “You don’t really think that,” he said as he proceeded to kiss my neck that was exposed by my messy bun.

  I got another good look at the eagle on his neck this way, and this time I got to run a finger along it. And then, I spontaneously leaned in to kiss the tattoo. It wasn’t something I would normally do, but it just felt right. To touch this beautiful mark on this beautiful man.

  He pulled my fingers to his lips and kissed them, our eyes meeting, and I doubted I’d ever be able to fully meet the desire that I saw there. I was terribly afraid I’d disappoint him.

  The door of the bus crashed open, the boys wrestling and shoving at each other as they entered. It was non-stop guy energy with them.

  “Knock, knock, love birds. Better put your clothes back on,” Lonnie teased. He could clearly see us down the narrow hall, and it was quite obvious that we had clothes on but, you know, guy humor.

  Derek sighed. “Someday, I’ll have you to myself when I’m not exhausted beyond belief.”

  And this time I knew it was a promise. I shivered.

  He pulled me with him towards the kitchen.

  That night we barbecued hamburgers outside, ate S’mores, and the boys brought out their guitars and instruments to sing to the stars that were glittering down on us. People from other camp sites were drawn by the music, and the guys put on an impromptu show. They didn’t just sing their own songs, they took requests, and almost always could play what was asked.

  The guys pulled out a whole crate of instruments from the bus, and let the kids from other campsites play. Derek moved through them, showing them how to play and keep beat. He was incredibly patient with all of them. It made my heart pitter in a different way than I had become accustomed to it beating around him because it was yet another unexpected action from this sexy man.

  After the kids had all picked something and knew how to use it, Derek chose his harmonica and started in on some old-time camp songs, ones that I’m sure Cam and Jake knew from all their time out at the campsites and bonfires, but that I only vaguely recollected. I watched as everyone came to life with their music, enthralled by the deep voice of the man that I was coming to adore more than I knew was smart.

  I had to remind myself, it was just three weeks. No matter what Derek said about sex not just being sex for him. Because at the end of three weeks I had a life and a family to return to that no amount of sex or light-heartedness would let me leave.

  I leaned back and watched the stars move. No moon tonight. Just stars. In the distance, bats screeched. And, it didn’t even freak me out. Echolocation seemed like a good thing to me now.

  I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, Derek was waking me with a stroke of his calloused fingers on my cheek. I smiled up at him. I was tired and sleepy, but also happy. Happiness was what the three weeks were about I reminded myself. Happiness along with relief. Escape.

  “Let’s hit the sack,” he said with a devilish smile.

  I just nodded and let him draw me into the bus. We took the “big” bed, but I slept in my leggings and t-shirt. Derek still stripped down to his underwear, and he still pulled me close with my back up against his chest like he didn’t want to let me fly away. Which was fine by me. I didn’t want to go anywhere.

  And I fell asleep happy.

  * * *

  Somebody was snoring. I’m not sure I really ever fell deeply asleep knowing I was in the same vehicle with a group of overgrown adolescents. Thank God the snoring didn’t come from Derek otherwise I might have had to disown him.

  As I came fully awake, Ed’s song “Kiss Me”
that I knew almost as well as the lines of Pride and Prejudice, filtered through my brain. I could hear Ed’s crooning, “Settle down with me… Your heart against my chest; your lips pressed to my neck. I’m falling for your eyes, but they don’t know me yet.”

  I wasn’t sure if Derek knew me yet. I wasn’t sure I knew him… But I felt like he knew me better in a handful of days than Hayden had known me after four years. And that was something I hadn’t expected.

  It was early, but misty morning light was streaming in the motor home windows that nobody had bothered to shut the night before because these overgrown toddlers were so completely lacking in any need for privacy.

  Derek’s hand was laying on my chest and I finally got a chance to look at the words tattooed on his wrist. It read, “To err is human,” and when I carefully turned it to read the other side, I expected to see the normal, “To forgive, divine.” That was the famous Alexander Pope quote after all. But instead, it read, “To forgive, sanity.” To err is human; to forgive, sanity.

  That Derek, laughing, happy Derek, had to have the reminder to forgive being the road to sanity tattooed on his wrist made my walls and heart crumble another piece more. It told me something about that serious side of him that peeked out randomly like a weed forcing itself into the rose garden.

  I was desperate now to see the other wrist. I twisted, not even thinking about waking him up, the other wrist was on the pillow behind me. The words were tiny and double wrapped like a double corded leather band. It read, “Humanity is a collage of mistakes made beautiful.”

  They were the words from his song, Humanity. It was the song that had snagged at my heart at the fundraiser, and then, again, the night before last at The Criterion. The song was about how we were all interdependent, and how we needed each other not just to survive, but to grow and love and be forgiven for our mistakes. Who was Derek asking forgiveness from? Or what was he trying to forgive? I didn’t know in that moment. I wasn’t sure I could bear to know.

  “Question number eight, Little Bird?” he said huskily. His sleep-filled voice tickled my ear and melted me as he always did with a simple touch or word. Words. I loved words as much as I hated mornings.