my life as a pop album

by LJ Evans

  The boys’ voices, teasing and ribbing each other, washed over me as I slept. It felt comfortable. Like I’d always been a part of this group of overgrown adolescents. Like I was where I belonged. How many times had I felt that way in the past two weeks? More than I ever had at UTK with Hayden that’s for sure.

  But this wasn’t really where I belonged either. And that thought pulled me from my sleep. Because I would eventually need to go home. To my family. To the dealership. I had told Derek I loved him. And he’d sung it back. And yet we still hadn’t talked about our realities. We still hadn’t talked about if there was any way to really make this work.

  We pulled into the caverns, and Derek kissed me on the temple as if sensing I’d gone somewhere again. I just smiled and went to get my gear.

  Mitch, as always, went to check us in. We were going on the “Middle Earth” tour, which was so incredibly appropriate for a book lover like me. Harry Winston and I had read The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings series in sixth grade. Our favorite arguments had been over the advantages of dwarf versus elf.

  Middle Earth and me were one. I told Derek that and he laughed. Then he pretended to be Aragorn, trying to swing me onto the SUV bumper like he was swinging me onto his horse, which just made me laugh and tell him that he was no moody Aragorn. He pretended to be offended, huffing off to Mitch and Owen leaving me with Lonnie.

  Lonnie and I checked our packs. “You’re good for him,” he said seriously.

  I looked up at him in surprise. I didn’t think I’d ever seen Lonnie serious. Even on stage.

  “He’s only had a couple of girlfriends, you know.”

  I nodded. His dad and the PlayBabe Mansion had left their mark on him in all things relationship.

  “But you make him happier than I’ve ever seen him. He seems. I don’t know… whole.”

  I flushed a thousand shades because Derek made me feel whole as well. Like I’d finally found the other half of my cookie that God had sent down to Earth for me.

  “Don’t hurt him, or I’ll have to go all serial killer on you,” he said with a teasing tone, but I knew he meant every word.

  “I love him.”

  “That doesn’t mean you won’t hurt him.”

  Wasn’t that the truth? Because hadn’t I just been thinking about our lives and our paths and how they didn’t cross naturally. And look at what had happened with Jake and Cam or a million other people who once loved each other and then slowly tore each other apart.

  “I can only promise to try not to,” I told Lonnie.

  It was Lonnie’s turn to nod, and then Derek was back with his playful grin.

  “No, no, no. Whatever Lonnie is trying to convince you of, do not do it. Walk away, Miss Mia. Walk away.”

  I grinned and grabbed his hand in mine. An action that I could do now when two weeks ago, it would have been impossible. My heart soared at it. At the ability to do it as much as the fact that it was Derek’s hand that I’d grabbed. I leaned over and kissed him on the lips. Another huge step forward.

  “Are you offering better?” I whispered, our lips still touching.

  “Do you want Lonnie to be my first kill? Because he and I go a long way back. High school back.”

  I laughed and kissed him again until the boys groaned and hollered for us to get a room or get a move on.

  Derek flipped them all off, but then pulled me towards them so we could meet up with our guide. None of the boys had been on this tour. We were definitely going to get dirty, and there would be more rock climbing than I’d done up until this point, but I was excited.

  And holy Cheetos was it worth it!

  The dirt, the climbs, the scraped hands were completely worth it, because that world that Derek had introduced me to was always perfect in its silence. But then again, everything about Derek was perfect to me. Even the shadowy part of himself that he kept hidden from everyone else but me.

  Everything was perfect, until it wasn’t.

  We were heading back out, climbing a last set of rope ladders, when my foot missed the rung. I’d already moved my hand in expectation of the next step, and so, instead of moving up, I found myself falling and panicking. Falling backwards, trying to stop myself, and failing. Hitting all sorts of body parts and my side with my single kidney against outcroppings of rock as I fell.

  And all I could think was, “Mama!” as I fell with terror welling up inside me with every rock and outcropping that I hit.

  I fell a long ways. Not straight. I’d broken the direct route with my body against the natural edges. When I finally hit the ground, my body screamed at me. My insides screamed at me. My skin screamed at me. My lungs screamed for air as the breath was knocked out of them.

  And then I realized, Derek was screaming too, “Mia!”

  It took Owen hardly any time to reach me because he’d been the caboose again. Derek had to climb down from the ladder he’d just traversed.

  “Mia?” Owen said as concern filtered across his face in the green light.

  I tried to nod, tried desperately to get oxygen into my depleted lungs while everything hurt. Hurt so badly. But I couldn’t respond. He could see that my eyes were open, and that seemed to relieve him some. When the air finally rushed back into me, I gasped at the pain that came with it. Waves of nausea and guilt overwhelming me almost as much as the pain.

  “Don’t move,” Owen said.

  I wanted to cry because I’d screwed everything up. For mama. For me. For the boy that was scampering down towards me.

  And then Derek was there, taking Owen’s place and grabbing my hand in a way that made me wince, and him say, “Shit!”

  He looked me over, trying to assess the damage. But my hands and face were all that was visible in our spelunking gear. And even that visible skin was scraped. I could feel my cheek swelling where I’d hit it on some outcrop.

  “Little Bird,” he choked.

  “I’m okay,” I croaked out as my lungs still tried to regain the air they had lost and my remorse swarmed me again in waves so hard that I knew I would drown.

  The guide from the caverns finally joined us, concern etched on his face as well. “Anything broken?”

  “Can you try to move?” Derek asked gently.

  I tried to nod but it hurt more than a killing curse. I put my hand in Derek’s and he eased me to a sitting position. Pain scrambled its way across my back and my innards. My side with my solo kidney was wailing, causing my panic to increase until it filled as much of me as the guilt did.

  “Does your neck hurt at all?” the guide asked.

  “No,” I whispered out, but I was holding it steady like I was the rest of my body. I was afraid to move even an inch more than I had too.

  “Can you stand?”

  Derek lifted me. I didn’t do any of the work, but when he put his arms around my waist, I couldn’t help the whimper of pain that escaped me.

  “Where does it hurt?” he asked, staring into my eyes as he put me on my own feet. Feet that were fine. My left elbow hurt like the dickens. And my insides. My insides were still hollering bloody murder. God. Mama. What would Mama say? Her sad eyes filled my vision making it hard to breath. Hard to talk. Hard to answer Derek.

  “Inside,” I said quietly, my eyes meeting his and swelling with tears that I would not shed in front of these men.

  “Shit,” he said again. Because he understood. He understood my one kidney. He understood that I shouldn’t be doing anything that would damage it. And yet I had. I’d been on a stupid caving adventure instead of tucked up safe at home like a possum in its nest.

  “We need to get her to a hospital. What’s the easiest way out of here?”

  “Easiest or quickest?” the guide asked.

  Derek looked at me.

  “Quickest,” I said through teeth clenched against the pain.

  “Then that’s back up the ladder,” the guide said.

  I looked back at the ladder that I’d just fallen from. It wasn’t the longest one I�
�d done, but in the shape I was in, I doubted my ability to do it. The thought of trying it again was enough to increase the nausea that I was fighting.

  “Do you think you could hold on to me if I carried you on my back?” Derek asked.

  I had to think about it. Would it be better to be jostled around on his back, or attempt it at my own slow pace? I didn’t know, but I couldn’t start up on my own and then half way decide for him to carry me. I needed to make the decision now, on the ground.

  “I think it’ll be less painful if I do it on my own,” I said between slow aching breaths.

  “Owen, you go first, I’m gonna go right behind her,” Derek said.

  Owen nodded and went to the ladder, taking my pack with him. That would help. I’d only have me to deal with. Owen started up, I grabbed the ladder, and my elbow burst with pain again. Could I do it one handed?

  “Look, you take the first step, I’m going to try to share each step with you, that way I can hold you up as best as I can,” Derek said.

  And we proceeded up at an excruciatingly slow pace. Me trying to grab with one hand, Derek trying to balance us both against the movements of the rope. Pain worked through me in ways that made my head whirl so that I had to stop, forehead on the cave wall several times before I could continue.

  I just concentrated on the pain and the steps so that I wouldn’t have to think about how I’d probably screwed everyone’s lives up one more time.

  At the top, Owen reached back to grab my good hand as he and Derek maneuvered me onto the ledge of the cave. I sighed with a momentary sense of relief that we’d made it, but when I sat down, my insides burst into such agony that I shot back up..

  “You can’t sit?” Derek asked, alarm trolling through his voice in a way that made me want to cry again.

  I just shook my head, afraid if I spoke, I wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears and words that were ripping through me.

  The guide, who’d come up behind Derek and I, took charge again. “It’s only ten more minutes. All straight walking. I’ve radioed ahead and their going to have an ATV at the exit for us. It’ll probably hurt like hell on the trail, but it’ll get you to the vehicles as fast as possible.”

  I nodded. I was getting to be an expert at nodding without pain. I just had to do it slowly and stiffly.

  We made our way in silence, Lonnie and Mitch having observed from the top of the ladder. No one really said anything. Derek was the only one who truly understood the magnitude of my fall.

  True to what the guide had promised, the ATV was waiting at the cave entrance with another guy and a first aid kit. “Do we need to call for a helicopter?” the new guy asked.

  “Mia?” Derek asked.

  “No. Just get me to a hospital.”

  Derek and Lonnie tried to shield me from the jolts as the ATV drove over the beat-up terrain until we got to the cavern’s store and parking lot.

  Derek jumped into the back area of the SUV, put a seat down, and then helped lift me in so that I could lay flat because sitting in the ATV had pretty much taken everything out of me. Lonnie drove, Mitch was in the passenger seat, Owen was in the one seat left standing in the middle. Silence. Like in the caves, but this one was anything but peaceful.

  Google Maps directed them to a hospital in San Andreas. It was the longest ride of my life. But Derek was there, teasing me about keeping them on their toes, and trying to lighten my mood as fear and anger washed over me.

  My fear wasn’t for me, it was fear for Mama. Mama needed me more than I needed any blasphemous adventure. And while we drove, I had time to hate myself all over. To hate this new Mia who’d selfishly gone on this trip with a stupid boy and risked everything for a few moments of happiness. For an escape I hadn’t deserved. I’d known I hadn’t deserved it.

  And now look what had happened.

  I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t let anything hurt Mama anymore, especially nothing that I did, and now there was a good chance that I’d do more than just hurt her. There was a chance that I’d completely devastate her. The remorse hit me again feeling almost as raw as the pain on my insides. Guilt because I knew if anything happened to me, Mama would never forgive Daddy for telling me to go. Guilt because I should have stayed home.

  I wanted to cry. But I didn’t. I wanted to scream as the SUV hit curves and turns. But I didn’t. Instead, I listened as the man who had taken my heart tried to keep me sane in the midst of my self-condemnation.

  The hospital ER was blessedly empty. When I explained what had happened to the intake nurse, and that I was afraid I’d hurt my one good kidney, she reacted with appropriate speed.

  I was in my own little curtained area before I had a chance to hesitate. The doctor examined me, ordered tests, and had me pee in a cup all while Derek hovered close by. The doctor ordered an x-ray for my elbow, had an ice pack applied to my cheek, and told me he’d back with results.

  “Tell me,” Derek said quietly, grabbing my hand as I lay on the gurney on my good side, staring at him.

  “What?”

  “How bad can it be?”

  He wasn’t being sarcastic. He wanted to know. What was the worst-case scenario? I wasn’t sure I was willing to tell him that. I was angry. At me. At him. At the world that didn’t play fair.

  “Little Bird,” he demanded.

  “If it’s damaged, they can do surgery,” I said. I didn’t have to say that it was my kidney. He knew.

  “What the fuck were we thinking?” He put his head down on our hands. Self-loathing radiated off of him in waves so big that it could have been its own radio station.

  And that softened my heart a little because he was hating himself as much as I was hating myself. My anger towards him melted because it wasn’t his fault. I’d known the possible consequences and ignored it for a good time with a bad boy. This was all on me. But even through the anger and self-battery, I still loved him. All of him. Stormy eyes and messed up past and all his beautiful words.

  “Stop,” I croaked out.

  “You should have explained how dangerous this was for you,” he said kissing my fingers, but not looking up at me.

  I think he was angry too. At me. At himself.

  And I didn’t know what to say to him because it was true. I should have told him. But even more, I shouldn’t have come at all. And if I said that, it would hurt him. And, I’d just promised Lonnie that I would try not to.

  “I’m not letting you do this anymore, Little Bird,” he said with a command to his voice and furrowed eyebrows.

  And that hit me in the gut in a new way even in the midst of the fury and blame. Because the thought of no more undergrounds with Derek, the thought of having no more peace and quiet and unseen beauty with the man I loved guiding me through, that was almost as hard to take as the guilt. It was yet another new and painful way to be torn apart.

  And thankfully, I didn’t have to argue with him or myself because the doctor came back in.

  “You have blood in your urine,” he said bluntly. My heart dropped causing a wave of nausea that Derek saw as I felt all the color leave my face.

  “What does that mean?” Derek asked.

  “She’s stable, no other organs damaged that we can tell. I think it’s going to heal fine, if she rests. I want to admit her and watch her carefully over the next twenty-four hours to make sure the bleeding doesn’t worsen, and that her blood pressure stabilizes.”

  “Okay,” Derek nodded.

  “If it doesn’t stabilize, we can do a minimally invasive technique called angiographic embolization. That’s where the surgeon goes through the large blood vessels in the groin to reach the arteries of the kidney and stops any bleeding.” The doctor looked from Derek to me. “But I don’t think you’re going to need that. I think you’re going to be fine after some rest.”

  Relief hit me as hard as the nausea. I was going to be okay. He thought I was going to be okay. It didn’t make me hate myself less, but it at least eased the panic and guilt at t
he thought of having to tell Mama that I’d damaged my one good kidney.

  The doctor continued, “You also have a small fracture to your elbow. It’s clean, and I think it’ll mend with just a splint. Someone will bring that up and get you into it. You’ll want to have another x-ray done in a few days just to make sure it hasn’t moved. In that case, you might need surgery on that as well.”

  He waited for us to ask questions, and when we didn’t, he continued.

  “I’ve prescribed some meds for pain and blood pressure. We’ll keep an eye out for any stomach swelling or sign of more internal bleeding tonight. They’re going to move you up to a room. I’m on call until ten o’clock tonight, and I’ll come by before I sign out.”

  And then with a few more dos and don’ts, he was gone.

  Derek found my bag and reached for my phone.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “Calling your mom to let her know what happened and that you’re okay.”

  I reached for the phone and groaned as I did so, pain invading me. “Don’t you dare!”

  He looked up surprised. “What?”

  “I am not going to worry Mama. My God. If she knew....” and I choked on the regret and hatred and sorrow that filled me again.

  “Mia, this isn’t a joke,” Derek said sternly.

  “I know! But if everything is okay by tomorrow, then she doesn’t need to worry. She doesn’t need to frantically look for a flight and almost kill herself to get here,” I said furiously. But I wasn’t mad at him really, I was still livid with myself.

  “She’s your mom,” he said.

  And then I couldn’t hold it anymore, I started crying. “I can’t do that to her. I can’t,” I said as I let the anxiety and responsibility and worry of everything that had happened wash over me in all its entirety.

  Derek wrapped me in his arms and held me tight against his chest, and I let him because no matter what I said about knowing I shouldn’t have come, I still loved this man who knew me like no one else in the world. And when I felt his own tears hit my arm, I crumbled into sobs, and he gave.