Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down( A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse)

by Griffin, Forrest

  FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM

  I want it known that although I have placed Fortune Cookie Wisdom boxes throughout this book, in no way am I racist against Orientals . . . or Asians . . . or whatever they are called these days. They are good at math and have small penises—what’s not to like? The reason I use the term is that after consuming a cheap, lousy, Chinese dinner of overfried, MSG-filled dog, the fortune cookie often gives you a pearl of wisdom that makes the meal not so bad. Hopefully, the fortune cookies in this book will make it not so bad, as it contains too much MSG and has the same consistency as fried dog meat.

  P.S. My mom, who is as liberal as they come, still calls Asians “Orientals.” It is a throwback from a different era and she can’t help herself . . . and she loves their rugs.

  Tip: If you get stuck on a certain question, answer based on how you think I might react in such a situation. Pretty much all the questions below were situations I found myself in over the course of my filthy life, and my reaction is always the correct reaction, even if it seems like a terrible reaction upon first glance. If you think how I behaved was strange, stupid, or perhaps slightly homoerotic, not only will you flunk the test and fail to be buttered with my hot knowledge, but I will also come to your house and steal one of your lovely pets. If you do not have a pet, I will shit underneath your couch, close all the doors and windows, and turn the heater all the way up.

  (Note: If you do not pass the test in this book, you can still purchase a copy; you just aren’t allowed to read it.)

  FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM

  While shitting under the couch is horrible, it is nothing compared to the upper-decker, which is where you shit in the upper lid of a toilet. Every time you flush, it smells more like shit. Although I have never personally given an upper-decker, in college, me and a couple of friends went to a party, and the two girls who owned the home where the party was being held turned out to be real bitches, so my two friends both shit in the upper lid of their toilet. I was the lookout guy. And no, I didn’t ask if they both shat into the upper lid at the same time. I don’t want to know those kinds of things. It raises far too many questions.

  1. You step into the octagon with Anderson Silva and things don’t quite go as planned. How do you react?

  a. Remember that the last time you were in this situation you started crying in front of millions of people (e.g., Keith Jardine). Instead of repeating the experience, you immediately bolt from the cage, all the while singing Flock of Seagulls’ “And I raaann . . .”

  b. Fight Anderson Silva in the parking lot, except this time you use some type of weapon such as a billy club, baton, or bazooka.

  c. Quickly invent some injury that prevented you from fighting to your full capability, such as glaucoma.

  d. After you wake up, get in the referee’s face for stopping the fight.

  e. Throw your hands up into the air and pretend you won. When they announce that Anderson won, begin shouting, “I was robbed!”

  f. Remain in the ring and take your defeat like a man.

  ANSWERS

  a. +8 points. Excellent answer. It will cause every reporter and fan to ask you, “What the hell were you thinking?” for the next several months, but at least no one will see you cry . . . again.

  b. -8 points. Bad choice. Anderson Silva is a master with nunchucks as well. Most likely he will claim your weapon and beat you to death with it.

  c. +4 points. I am not a big fan of fighters who make excuses, but if you cite glaucoma as being the reason for your loss, you get the +4 points for originality. However, if you made up a more generic excuse such as a slipped disc, broken foot, or busted hand, subtract ten points . . . Remember, all fighters are injured to some degree during the training process. Why? Because a part of their training consists of actual fighting.

  d. -5 points. After suffering such a terrible loss, the last thing you want to do is get beat up by Mario Yamasaki. It would be a career killer.

  e. -5 points. An excellent way to look like an even bigger jackass.

  f. -2 points. Now I know that I said this was the proper way to handle a loss in my previous book, but I am now retracting that statement in an attempt to make myself feel manlier. If you chose this answer, fuck you! You think you are better than me? You try getting beat by Anderson Silva and then sucking it up for a postfight humiliation interview.

  2. Which way is north?

  a. Toward the mountains.

  b. Over by that lake.

  c. Down by the stream.

  d. Toward that mangrove forest.

  ANSWERS

  a. -5 points. No, stupid, the mountains are in the south.

  b. -5 points. The lake is in the southeast. Either your compass is broke or you have eaten too many paint chips.

  c. +8 points. Correct. You score big!

  d. -8 points. While you were trying to answer this question, I made a voodoo doll in your likeness and I’m currently sticking pins into its genital region.

  3. You get completely wasted in a bar and at the end of the night you somehow end up in a cougar’s apartment, getting it on. While the two of you are engaged in hot, sweaty, sloppy sex, she cocks her head back from the doggie-style position and says in a sweet and maternal voice, “Honey, you ain’t been in me for the last five minutes.” How do you react?

  a. Despite her intense disappointment, you down a Powerade and attempt to get back into the game.

  b. Curl into the fetal position and began to weep.

  c. Robe quickly, make small talk for approximately five minutes, and then spend the next four days hoping that you never see her again.

  d. Ask her why the fuck it took her five minutes to speak up.

  e. Apologize and then spoon with her for the rest of the night.

  ANSWERS

  a. -5 points. I am not a big fan of quitters, but you got to know when you are defeated. If you couldn’t keep it up when you thought you were the biggest stud this sweet lady had bedded in her short fifty-five years, you most certainly won’t be able to keep it up while she is doing her nails, texting her friends, and playing tennis on the Wii. If you chose this answer, you are either a sadomasochist or are overly determined to achieve something you probably shouldn’t have attempted in the first place.

  b. -5 points. Absolutely pathetic . . . While you’re at it, might as well have her change your diaper and take your temperature with a rectal thermometer. (Come to think of it, that might actually get me excited again . . . I am sure Freud would have something to say about that; after all, that woman was old enough to be my mother.)

  c. +8 points. This is the correct answer because it’s how I reacted. I really truly hoped that I would never see her again, but just like my hopes to strut into the octagon and give Anderson Silva a critical beat-down, it didn’t work out for me. Not long after this emasculating experience, I saw her at a restaurant while I was eating with a group of friends. I sank so low in my chair only my forehead could be seen over the top of the table—not an easy thing when you’re six three. (Note to self: Never tell anyone about this traumatic experience.)

  d. +5 points. Who allows you to beat on their backside for five minutes without saying anything? Who does that? Unfortunately, a combination of the alcohol and the humiliation of her statement shut down my two remaining brain cells and prevented me from asking this question. If you should find yourself in this exact situation and have the gall to inquire about the meaning behind the delay, please e-mail me the answer. I still want to know . . . It is more like a need, really . . . The more I think back on that experience, the more horrible it becomes. I remember I had that drunk sweat going, and I was literally drenching her back. It was super gross.

  e. -5 points. Do you really want to smell mothballs, talcum power, and Chanel No. 5 all night? Yeah, didn’t think so.

  f. God, this is really confusing. I can’t remember what answer goes with what question.

  4. Early in your MMA career you agree to fight Dan “The Beast” Severn. Ins
tead of trading strikes, he repeatedly takes you down and lies on top of you. He has on his trademark black underroos, his mustache is tickling your neck, and his barrel chest is squashing your innards. In an attempt to get under his skin and turn this into an entertaining fight, what do you whisper into his ear?

  a. You looked thinner on TV.

  b. Magnum PI called, and he wants his mustache back.

  c. You look like a fat Freddy Mercury, anyone ever tell you that?

  d. You better hurry this up—you’ve got that seventies porno to make later.

  e. Hey, do you and Don Frye share the same mustache because I have never seen the two of you together.

  f. If you let me up, I will give you a shirt for Christmas that reads mustache rides 5 cents.

  (P.S. No need to check Sherdog.com. Yes, I lost that fight.)

  ANSWERS

  a. +3 points. I said this to him and meant it. The dude was huge, and when you fit all that mass into those tiny shorts, it is kinda disturbing.

  b. +5 points. If you watched the fight, you know just how boring it was. I had my head pinned up against the cage for the majority of it, giving me plenty of time to think up remarks. I felt this was one of the better ones. As a matter of fact, I think it even made me crack a smile.

  c. +5 points. Although I have been told that Tank Abbott used this insult while commentating on one of Severn’s fights, I came up with it all on my own and whispered it to him while he was lying on top of me. Scary to think that Tank Abbott and I have the same sense of humor.

  d. +8 points. Not sure when I said this to him in the fight, but I thought it was more original than my other rips.

  e. +5 points. Another good one. Seemed to upset him too.

  f. +6 points. I didn’t say this, but it would have been funny. The first time I saw that shirt it was on the back of a sixty-year-old woman in Juárez, Mexico. Thinking she had a great sense of humor, I went up to her to ask her about her shirt, but she didn’t speak a lick of English. Obviously, she didn’t have a clue what her shirt said.

  5. You are heading into the desert to escape the aftermath of the apocalypse, and you get to bring one person with you on your journey. Which one of the following would it be?

  a. Stripper

  b. Doctor

  c. Wilderness Man

  d. Plumber

  e. Prostitute

  f. A Navy SEAL

  g. Little Person

  ANSWERS

  a. -5 points. Stripper: Despite what you might be inclined to believe, a stripper has very little value in the desert. Come to think of it, a stripper has very little value period. This is due to the fact that while she was growing up, her father told her she had very little value. I know what you are thinking, “But, Forrest, what if I want to go out with a bang!” If that’s your goal, you should have picked a prostitute. A stripper is like a car that starts but won’t actually take you anywhere (except to the ATM). In addition, she is going to find a way to talk you out of your water, shelter, food, and any dignity you have left.

  b. +5 points. Doctor: Although there are no medical instruments or supplies in the desert, doctors are smart people who are fairly good at improvising. If you picked a doctor, I give you +5 points. However, if the doctor is a psychiatrist, subtract 15 points. Unless, of course, you are a stripper. If you are a stripper and selected a psychiatrist to wander with you in the desert, give yourself +15 points. The two of you will have plenty of time to work out your daddy issues.

  c. -4 points. Wilderness Man: The majority of you most likely chose a wilderness man, but I must now inform you that this is a terrible choice. By nature, a wilderness man is a loner. You need him more than he needs you, and he will ditch you the first chance he gets. In addition, they are notoriously bad conversationalists.

  d. -8 points. Plumber: If you picked a plumber, hit yourself upside the head with a lead pipe. This question was supposed to be a gimme, but apparently you managed to fuck it up.

  e. -4 points. Prostitute: Unlike if you were to bring a stripper, you will probably get laid frequently with a prostitute companion. While this might seem appealing, you must remember that prostitutes don’t fuck for free. You are going to have to take care of this person. That means feeding them, clothing them, and putting up with their bullshit. You will also spend most of your days foraging for medicinal plants to soothe your burning loins.

  f. +10 points. Navy SEAL: Navy SEALs might not be as familiar with surviving off the fat of the land as wilderness men, but they are as tough as nails and great improvisers. They also often have a hero complex, so there is a good chance that they will take you under their wing and save your ass from dying a horrible death. This was the correct answer.

  g. +5 points. Little Person: This was another correct answer. Little people are great entertainers, and they are small enough that you can carry them around in a backpack. They can also be quite useful—you can send them up trees to steal eagle eggs, into caves to scout for dangers, or even down into small holes in the earth to flush out furry animals. (Unfortunately, the word “midget” has gone the way of the word “Oriental.” Midget used to be a socially acceptable way to describe people who were, well, midgets. Now you have to call them “little people” or “vertically challenged” or something crazy like that. I long for the day when I can say the word “midget” again without being judged or called a size-ist.)

  6. A good buddy of yours sets you up with a woman who works at his office. You go out on a date, things go well, and at the end of the night you go back to her place. Just before you are about to get it on, she says, “I have to confess something. I have herpes.” How do you react?

  a. Use a condom.

  b. Run from her house, get in your car, and speed away. Even if you are in your own home, leave immediately. No kissing your dog good-bye, no stopping to take a leak. You just hightail it the fuck out of there.

  c. Have sex with her, but pour Scope on your genitals afterward to kill whatever you may have picked up.

  d. Ask her if she’s into blow jobs or anal.

  e. Ask if she has a younger sister that doesn’t have herpes.

  f. Put an arm around her and spend the next four hours listening to her problems, most of which revolve around the fact that she has HERPES.

  g. Tell her it is okay because you have syphilis.

  ANSWERS

  a. -15 points. You are an idiot . . . If you don’t know why this is a terrible decision, there is no point in me telling you. Chances are, you will bring a hair dryer into the shower at some point in the very near future.

  b. +8 points. Good job, you are not a complete moron. When this happened to me, I think I may have made a few minutes of small talk, but I was out of there pretty damn quick. As you could imagine, I was irate at my friend. In addition to setting me up with a girl who had the gift that keeps on giving, he also set me up with a promoter who wrote me a bad check and a roommate who went completely nuts and called the cops on me. Yeah, I really need to start choosing my friends more wisely. I’m telling you, this chick roommate was a fucking nutcase. I had a girl over one night, and I guess she could hear us laughing and talking and humping. Not sure why that would piss her off, but it did. Instead of asking us to quiet down, she kept turning off the a/c. It was Georgia in the middle of summer, so it was hot as fuck. To avoid my bed turning into a swimming pool, every time she turned it off, I would turn it back on. The next morning, she called the cops on me. They busted into the house like some sort of domestic disturbance was going on. I talked my way out of it, but I had to live with the bitch for another few months. The surprising part is when she moved out, she actually left me money for the bills.

  c. -5 points. I actually heard this on one of those sex talk shows. The guy shaved his pubic region, had sex with a prostitute, and then dunked his nuts into a glass of Scope because he was worried about catching something . . . I’m talking Scope, ladies and gentlemen. (As a side note, Bigger John had a friend in college who used to not
only wash his junk with alcohol after sex, but also pour it into his pee hole.)

  d. -5 points. Although you can’t see me, I am shaking my head, thinking about how stupid you are.

  e. +5 points. Terribly inconsiderate, but worth a try.

  f. +3 points. I am giving you a few points for this because I am really trying to be a better human being.

  g. +0 points. Good, you found your soul mate.

  7. You’re driving home from the gym, and suddenly you realize that you have to take a shit. Not wanting to drop your payload in the Starbucks crapper for fear of getting eighty-sixed for life, you convince yourself that you can make it to your personalized porcelain palace. After ten torturous minutes, you pull into your driveway and breathe a sign of relief. You run into the house and straight for the bathroom, but you quickly realize that it is much more difficult to keep your glutes flexed while running. Your turd stops playing peekaboo and makes a mad dash for freedom. Not wanting to admit to yourself the finality of the situation, you drop your TapouT trunks and leap toward the toilet, realizing this will be a wet one. While in midair, you fire-hose everything in sight. I’m talking the floor, the bathroom curtain, and the fluffy horseshoe toilet mat that your wife adores (I never knew what purpose they served, but now I know). After a few minutes of just kind of looking at the holocaust caused by the in-flight shit storm, you dig deep and begin the cleanup process. You wipe everything down and go through two cans of Lysol, but you still have that damn fluffy toilet mat to deal with. Instead of burning it in the backyard, you toss it into the washing machine. Forty minutes later, it comes out as fluffy and fresh-smelling as the day it was purchased. However, being a stupid man, you’re not quite sure if you can put a fluffy toilet mat in the dryer. Wanting to put the whole situation in the past, you toss it on top of the dryer and walk away. An hour later, your wife brings the toilet mat into the living room and demands to know why it is sopping wet. What do you tell her?