Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down( A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse)

by Griffin, Forrest

  There is no such thing as a proper shooting stance. It is important that your stance is balanced and stable, but the exact foot positioning is entirely up to you. Some people like to stagger their feet, while others prefer to keep their feet square. My only suggestion is to establish a shooting stance that feels comfortable and familiar. For example, I shoot from my fighting stance, which involves placing my left foot forward and my right foot back. I could just as easily shoot from a square stance, but being a professional fighter, my fighting stance feels very comfortable and natural. If Lyoto Machida shot guns, I am sure he would shoot from a karate horse stance. And if Royce Gracie shot guns, he would shoot from a butt-scoot stance. See what I am getting at? If you choose a shooting stance that is not familiar, it can take you a moment to establish it when shit goes down, and the last thing you want to be focusing on in a shoot-out is the positioning of your feet.

  To learn what feels most comfortable, practice drawing your gun and aiming. This can be done on the firing range, or, if you’re like me, while traversing the desert in your underwear. Whatever position your feet naturally gravitate to, adopt that as your shooting stance. Once you’ve got your feet positioning down, make sure to square your shoulders, put a slight bend in your arms, and keep your head up and straight.

  Quick Draw

  The Old West quick draw is fun to practice in abandoned warehouses on unsuspecting vermin (and by vermin I mean rats, not homeless people).

  To assume my shooting stance, I step my left foot back and my right foot forward. With my feet spread roughly shoulders’ width apart, I bend my arms and keep my head up. It is very important to notice that I am not leaning backward away from the gun, which is a mistake a lot of people make when first learning how to shoot.

  While creeping around an abandoned warehouse, I am surprised by a very large rat. Immediately I spread my feet apart and grab the grip of my gun.

  I place my left hand on my abdomen to ensure I do not shoot my fingers off.

  I quickly jerk my gun from my holster. Instead of extending my arm straight, which would take too much time, I keep my elbow back and simply level the barrel with the ground. This last step is very important—if your gun is not level, there is a good chance that you will shoot yourself in the foot. Note: To state the obvious, do not actually shoot the vermin.

  GET A FUCKING GRIP (OR WHY RAP VIDEOS ARE NOT A GOOD WAY TO LEARN ABOUT GUNS)

  Back when I was playing high school football in Georgia, a few idiots on my team unfortunately decided to do a drive-by shooting one night. As they crept by the house, both the driver and the passenger opened up. Being a complete genius, the driver extended his arm out his window, turned his gun sideways, and attempted to shoot over the top of the vehicle. Instead of riddling the house with bullets, he shot though the roof of the car. A bullet entered the back of the passenger, which prompted him to turn his gun on the driver. A shouting match ensued. A few hours later at the hospital, the police showed up and rightfully arrested both of them. Please, attend to this lesson and learn how to shoot like a normal human being.

  How you grip a gun is another matter of debate, but there are a few general rules everyone can agree upon. First off, you want to establish a two-handed grip. If one of your hands is injured or holding something of importance, it’s possible to establish a single-handed grip and still aim accurately, but a two-handed grip will give you far better results. In the illustrations below, I demonstrate a single-handed grip, as well as the two-handed grip that I always use.

  FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM

  If you talk too passionately and too much about guns, it may lead people to believe you have a tiny penis.

  Single-Handed Grip

  To establish a single-handed grip on my gun, I grab the grip with my right hand. If you are left-handed, you want to grab it with your left hand. Notice how the web between my thumb and index finger is positioned as high up on the grip as possible, my thumb is positioned by the safety, and my finger is not on the trigger. The only time you want to actually place your finger on the trigger is when you are about to shoot. If you are running or walking with your gun drawn, always keep your finger off the trigger to prevent an accidental discharge. All law enforcement officers are taught this during training, but apparently no one mentioned it to Kiefer Sutherland. In the few episodes of 24 that I have seen, he is always running with his finger on the trigger. Although I find this extremely annoying, I keep praying that he will accidently shoot that sniveling computer cunt Chloe O’Brian.

  Double-Handed Grip (Not to Be Confused with the Similarly Worded Masturbation Technique)

  This method of gripping a gun is often employed by law enforcement officers and competitive shooters. To begin, I grip the gun with my right hand just as I did when performing the single-handed grip, except now I run my right thumb down the length of the barrel just below the slide. Next, I wrap my left hand around my right hand, and then run my left thumb down the barrel just beneath the slide. This grip, I assume, gives me optimal control of the gun and allows me to quickly shift from one target to the next. In addition to this, the forward positioning of my thumbs helps me quickly line up my sights on new targets.

  The Gangster Grip

  If you feel the best way to hold a gun is sideways, you’re either an idiot or a wannabe gangster. The only reason you should ever hold a gun sideways is if you have a severe shoulder injury that prevents you from holding a gun straight. But it looks super cool, you say. No, it doesn’t. In addition to making you look like a complete retard, it will be next to impossible to hit the broad side of a barn.

  IT’S NOT JUST POINT AND CLICK

  Most guns have two sights, one on the front of the gun and one at the back. If you are shooting at something more than fifteen feet away, it is in your best interest to line up both sights on your target. However, this process can take a few seconds, which can get you killed when in a close-range shoot-out. If an aggressor is within fifteen feet, hold your gun level and place your front sight on the center mass of your target. Unless your gun is cocked upward or downward, there is a good chance that you will hit what you are aiming for. Then again, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger never do this, and they seem to hit people from twenty or thirty meters away, which is amazing accuracy. So maybe you should stop reading this book and start watching more action movies. As a matter of fact, I think you can get a lot out of a movie if you watch it fifty thousand times, which is what I did with Good Will Hunting when I was living in that shitty one-room apartment back in my college days. Unfortunately, instead of learning how to shoot a gun, I learned how to freak out my family members by having imaginary conversations with the characters in the movie and referring to them as my friends.

  When firing, do not pull the trigger: squeeze the trigger. The smaller the squeeze, the more fluid you will become at shooting your gun. And once you have shot a round, slowly release your pressure on the trigger. Although this might seem simple, it is very difficult to accomplish, especially when someone is shooting back at you. To avoid this rookie mistake, learn to steady your nerves by shooting as often as possible.

  WHEN YOUR GUN GOES LIMP

  There are three types of malfunctions that can prevent your gun from firing. Having a gun is great, but having a gun that doesn’t fire sucks. To avoid having to use your gun as a boomerang, I recommend practicing how to deal with all three types of malfunctions.

  TYPE ONE: This malfunction is usually caused by not properly seating the magazine into the well. You’ll know when it happens because as you attempt to fire a round, you hear your gun click but no shot is fired. To solve the issue, you remove your finger from the trigger, release your support hand from the gun, smack the bottom of the magazine with your palm, tilt the gun to the side, rack the slide back with your free hand, and then reestablish your two-handed grip on the gun and again squeeze the trigger. To simplify, TAP, RACK, ROLL.

  TYPE TWO: This type of malfunction is often referred to as a “Brass
High” or “Stovepipe” because it is caused by a shell casing getting stuck in the ejection port, which locks the slide into the back position and prevents you from firing off any more rounds. While this is different from a type-one malfunction, it is remedied in the exact same way: TAP, RACK, ROLL.

  TYPE THREE: A type-three malfunction is often referred to as a “Feedway Stoppage” because you have two rounds competing for the same space in either the chamber or receiver. To remedy this issue, use the steps below.

  1. Remove your finger from the trigger (pretty fucking obvious, but you would be surprised).

  2. Release your support hand from the gun and then use it to pull the slide back until it locks.

  3. Release the magazine, grab the slide again with your free hand, and rack it three times. If the magazine doesn’t eject, you might have to pull it free.

  4. Insert a new magazine.

  5. Reestablish your two-handed grip on the gun and begin firing.

  It is important to mention that this type of malfunction takes considerably longer to fix than the previous two. If you are in a gunfight when a type-three malfunction occurs, there is a good chance that you will get shot if you remain out in the open. To prevent this, move for cover as you fix your weapon or beg for mercy.

  If you choose the latter, here are some of the things you might want to say:

  a. I was just kidding; my gun wasn’t even loaded.

  b. Hey man, these aren’t even real bullets.

  c. I thought we was just playing, dog.

  d. Don’t shoot! I’m pregnant!

  WHAT TO DO WHEN BEING CHASED BY TINA TURNER

  During the apocalypse, a lot of shoot-outs are going to occur on the road as you are attempting to go from point A to point B.6 Sometimes these will occur while you’re driving a semi loaded with gas and being chased by Tina Turner wearing earmuffs. Obviously, while driving, it is a good idea to wear your seat belt at all times. In addition to there being numerous obstacles in the road, a lot of people will use their vehicles as battering rams in an attempt to disable your vehicle.

  However, anytime you are parked, you want to remove your seat belt, which is something I learned while in the police academy. If you’re right-handed like most people, you will most likely wear your gun on your right hip. This is the exact location where your seat belt locks, and it can make it very difficult to get to your gun. Not wearing your seat belt will help you get to your gun quicker, but if you’re a douche bag like me and habitually lock your seat belt every time you get in the car, it is good to get into the habit of removing your gun and placing it underneath your left thigh.

  Another reason not to wear your seat belt while your car is parked is that it makes it too difficult to exit your vehicle when shit hits the fan. In most cases, attempting to start your car and drive away takes too much time. By the time you put your vehicle into drive, your aggressors will have already showered it with bullets. A much better option is to quickly bail out of your car and use it as cover.

  DICK IN A BOX: MR. & MRS. GRIFFIN BY JAIME

  One night not long ago I woke up at two or three in the morning, and I noticed that Forrest was not in bed next to me. I figured he was either jerking it on the Internet downstairs or he had gone to the store to get some sweets. I called his name, and when I didn’t get an answer, I went downstairs to check on him.

  I couldn’t find him anywhere, so I went into the garage. I was horrified by what I found. The car was gone, the garage was wide open, and the door leading into the house was unlocked. I instantly lost my mind. I thought, “This motherfucker left me here by myself, and someone could have murdered me.” I was shaking mad, and so I decided to get a little revenge by faking a crime scene. I dumped the contents of my purse onto the floor and knocked everything off the tables. Once the setting was perfect, I hid behind a cabinet in the living room. In case someone broke in before Forrest returned, I armed myself with my .38.

  Ten minutes later I heard Forrest come in. I almost let out a laugh, but then I heard his grocery bags drop to the floor and the familiar sound of him chambering his Glock 40. It was at this point that I realized faking a crime scene might not have been the smartest move. Not wanting to say anything for fear of startling him, I remained utterly quiet. I heard him creep up the stairs, and then I heard him slowly open each of the upstairs doors. He never yelled, never gave up his location. He moved in and out of each room, clearing them like an assassin.

  Suddenly I heard his footsteps back downstairs, moving toward me, and that’s when I shouted, “I am right here, I am right here.” I came out of hiding with my .38, and he came into the room with his Glock 40. It was like a scene straight out of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Needless to say, he was not thrilled by my antics, but eventually he realized that he was in the wrong and apologized.

  Luke Rebuttal

  Jaime told me that story shortly after it happened, and her tone was quite different. It was almost gleeful. When Forrest cleared the house like a trained killer, it actually turned her on. Forrest was just as aroused. Although I wasn’t there, I know for a fact that he was excited about the fact of possibly getting to shoot an intruder. I wouldn’t be surprised if later that night, they had the best sex of their lives.

  Never have I met two people more paranoid or heavily armed. Between the two of them, they must have more than fifteen guns in their house. And they are not just handguns. Forrest has a .22 rifle with a built-in silencer, as well as an AR-15. That’s fucked up. Who needs an automatic weapon for home protection? In addition to having his own personal armory, he is always going on and on about reactionary gaps. For example, the gate that surrounds his neighborhood is a reactionary gap because it gives him time to arm himself against a possible intruder. The wrought-iron bars on his windows are a reactionary gap, the four locks on his front door are a reactionary gap, his state-of-the-art alarm system is a reactionary gap, and the key lock he has on his bedroom door is a reactionary gap. I don’t know how much time Forrest needs to reach his guns—there is one in every room, for Pete’s sake—but I guess the guy likes to be prepared.

  I’m not quite sure what’s wrong with them. Jaime grew up in a small town in Arizona, and Forrest and I grew up in a suburban neighborhood in Georgia where you left your doors unlocked at night. Neither one of them has ever been held at gunpoint, but both seem convinced that it is only a matter of time until the shit hits the fan. Think I am blowing their paranoia out of proportion? Most fighters are sponsored by companies like Muscle Milk and Condom Depot. Forrest is sponsored by Advanced Armament, which is a company that builds silencers for all types of guns. Instead of getting free protein shakes in the mail, Forrest receives free silencers.

  I’m telling you, Jaime and Forrest are meant to be together. Like most couples, they have date night, but instead of going ice skating or to Applebee’s, they go to the firing range. They also go to the firing range every Sunday after church. So if you are thinking about trying to break into Forrest’s house or carjack him because you found this book repulsive, you are going to get hurt. And Jaime won’t be one of those girls who cries after she kills you. As she etches another notch into her belt, you’ll hear her whisper, “Fucker, you shouldn’t have tried to break in.” In fact, that will be the last thing you ever hear because according to Forrest, if Jaime has to shoot a home invader, she will do everything in her power to ensure he is dead to prevent him from plotting any type of revenge. Never have I met two people more perfect for each other. Guns are what tie them together—that and the violent sex they have.

  NEWSFLASH: GUNS ARE USELESS WITHOUT BULLETS

  Having guns and knowing how to use them is all well and good, but you’re not going be able to do shit with them if you don’t have bullets to put in them. If you’re truly serious about getting ready for our impending destruction, you need to start buying bullets. Now. Seriously, go this second. I’ll be waiting right here when you get back. Go now, jackass. Oh, so you think you don’t need to go this instant? N
ow you’re too good for this book?

  Let’s see you try and use your Glock when the only stashes of bullets are in the hands of powerful, tribe-leading overlords with nicknames like “Zeus” and “The Professor.”

  Go buy bullets now and bury them in your backyard under the old oak tree. And don’t tell anyone where they are. Especially not me.

  FIGHT, FLIGHT, AND WHAT TO DO WHEN PISSING YOUR PANTS ISN’T AN OPTION

  I imagine that cavemen were pretty in tune with their fight-or-flight instinct. If a caveman headed out into a field to pick some berries (not sure if cavemen picked berries or not, but it seems like a very cavemanish sort of thing to do), and suddenly a woolly mammoth came charging out of the bushes, his mind would instantly assess the situation and decide which option would give him a better chance of survival. In the amount of time it takes you or me to step on the brakes at a red light, the caveman would either chuck a spear at the advancing beast or begin running his fucking tits off toward the nearest tree. Although the life of the caveman sucked in pretty much every way imaginable, especially when it came to mating, he had a serious leg up on modern man when it came to interpreting his instincts.