Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down( A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse)

by Griffin, Forrest

  If you live in a town that has just a few hundred inhabitants, remaining in your home can be a lot safer. But even then it can be beneficial not to actually stay indoors. Remember, there will be a lot of people on the move, and when traveling through your area, they are going to need supplies. They will raid the stores first, but when all resources have been depleted, they will begin to go from door to door. With this, I give the same advice I do to upcoming fighters: Be First! Don’t sit around and wait to get looted. Get out there and be first by looting your neighbors.

  NOTE FROM ERICH

  I asked Forrest to write up some of his thoughts and send them to me. This is the text message I received about an hour later. I just realized that I use the computer so little for actual work that when I sat down to type something, my first thought was “Why am I here, I didn’t want to jack off at the computer just yet.”

  WHERE YOU RUNNIN’ TO, BOY?

  The first step is to find a safe zone not far from where you live. It could be a national park, a wooded area on the outskirts of your city, or a cabin up in the mountains. Basically, you need to find an unpopulated area that holds no real interest to anyone. The only requirement is that the safe zone has some type of running water, whether it be a stream, a well, or a natural spring. In the case of a nuclear or biological attack, there is a good chance that the water will be contaminated for some time, but this can be remedied by ensuring you have a water filter in your Go Bag, which I will touch upon later (unless I forget).

  THE ONLY SHOPPING TRIP THAT WILL EVER MATTER (OR BE EVEN REMOTELY FUN)

  Once you have found an isolated spot, the next step is to prep it for a prolonged stay. Personally, I recommend digging a fairly large ditch, lining it with thick plastic, and then filling it with your supplies. Deciding on the amount of supplies you’ll need depends on the type of apocalypse that has occurred. With some disasters, it could take as much as six months for things to begin to settle down, so I would recommend being on the safe side and packing as much shit as possible. It seems obvious to me what type of shit you should be stuffing in the hole, but then again, I’m writing this book and you’re reading it, so it might not be obvious to you. Here are the essentials:

  LIVE LIKE A LESS-ANNOYING EWOK

  If digging a ditch to stash your supplies seems like too much trouble, build a tree house like you did when you were twelve. Although it will be super difficult to haul all your shit up there, it will allow you to play “pirate” and supply you with hours of self-entertainment. It will also give you enhanced visibility of your surroundings. The only catch is that the tree fort must be in the wild. If you can see the roof of your home from your tree fort, your safe zone is not located deep enough in the wilderness. Personally, I like the tree-fort option because I grew up in an urban area, and there was no space for that kind of shit. In fact, I wanted one so bad as a child, I made my mom go out and buy me one of those bed tents, which is basically a tent that fits over your mattress. They are pretty pathetic, but realizing the alternative was no tent at all, I kept mine until I was fifteen. I would have kept it longer, but one day when I invited my friends over, they all began making fun of me. I reluctantly disposed of the tent, and now I can no longer find them on the market. If I could, you bet your ass my wife and I would be sleeping in one.

  1. CANNED FOOD: I recommend bringing a lot of it. Unless you are morbidly obese, you should be able to survive just fine off three cans of food per day. Multiply that by six months, and you have 720 cans of food. I know the economy might currently be tight, but this is not an area in which you want to skimp. Trust me when I say that you don’t want to resort to eating squirrel. Just trust me. And it is very important to have some variety. I know you might love canned peaches, but they’ll get pretty fucking gross after eating them for a month straight.

  2. TENT: As I will cover later, your Go Bag does not include a tent, so it is important that you stash one at your safe zone. There are a lot of tents on the market, but most of them are designed for weight rather than durability. Seeing that you won’t need to carry your tent out of your safe zone, I recommend purchasing one from a military surplus store. Although they tend to weigh more than expedition tents, they are a lot more rugged, and they are also usually camouflage color, which will do wonders to conceal your whereabouts.

  3. SLEEPING BAG: You’re going to want to get a minus-twenty-degree sleeping bag. It might be hot as hell in the summer months, but you will be glad you have it should a nuclear winter set in. To ensure you are warm enough, I would also include several wool blankets (wool retains heat more than most other fabrics when wet).

  4. PROPANE STOVE: Cooking on a propane stove is a smart move because it gives off very little light and almost no smell. To ensure you don’t run out of gas the first week, I recommend bringing at least two five-gallon canisters.

  5. GUNS: Although your bug-out bag should contain a gun and a healthy amount of ammunition, you can never be too safe. I recommend burying a shotgun or automatic weapon, both of which are burdensome to carry while on the move.

  6. MATCHES: You should include at least a dozen large boxes of matches, all individually wrapped in plastic. The waterproof kind is mandatory.

  7. BOOKS ON NATIVE PLANTS: Although you’re probably not going to take the time to read up on the local flora and fauna pre-apocalypse, you will have nothing but time on your hands while chilling in your safe zone. This book could save your life should you be forced to remain in the wild longer than you thought.

  8. FIRST-AID KIT: This should not be your standard first-aid kit containing a few Band-Aids and antiseptic. You want to include gauze, bandages, antibiotics, needle and thread, the whole nine yards.

  9. SHOVEL AND PICK: These will come in handy for all sorts of things, including making various pitfalls for intruders to fall into.

  10. AX: Needs no explanation.

  11. FISHING LINE: In addition to allowing you to catch fish, fishing line is also excellent for setting traps. These traps might not hurt an intruder, but they can be rigged as an alarm system to let you know people are near your camp.

  12. SEVERAL PAIRS OF BOOTS: Your feet are more precious than you know. You have to take care of them. As far as the type of boot, you want to go with something fashionable. Think Outlaw Josey Wales boots. If you are a real man, you can run in cowboy boots with no problem. They will serve no purpose in the apocalypse because I am pretty sure horses will be the first creature to go, but man, they look cool.

  13. A GARGANTUAN SUPPLY OF CREAM PUFFS AND HONEY: These are among the few foods that never go bad. If you do not like cream puffs, you can substitute anything made by Little Debbie. Although Little Debbie products don’t taste the best, no matter what biological conditions should occur, they can never taste any worse. They are so heavily preserved, they already taste nuked.

  Once you have filled your hole with all these goodies and any personal items you might desire while living alone in the wild for months and months, fill it in with dirt, cover it with leaves and twigs, and then leave some sort of marking so you can find it again. Personally, I recommend using a large obsidian rock, one which has “no right being in that type of field.” And yes, I stole that from The Shawshank Redemption.

  WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN, YOU’D BETTER HAVE A PLAN:

  CREATING YOUR ESCAPE ROUTE

  The subject of this section is very similar to what your mom explained to you about getting out of the house in case of a fire. I’m basically telling you how to get out of Dodge when the shit goes down. However, creating an escape plan in order to reach your safe zone is not as easy as it sounds. You have to assume that shit is going to be fucked up big-time, which means that the roadways will either be packed with other fleeing people or choked with abandoned and ruined vehicles. In addition to not being able to speedily traverse major thoroughfares such as freeways and even byways, roads will also be very dangerous. These usual transportation arteries will be patrolled by law enforcement, military, bandit
groups, and escapees from Jenny Craig Twinkie Rehab Centers. If you disregard my advice and begin humping it down the highway, you’re asking for trouble.

  To avoid becoming an easy target, you want to chart out a drivable escape route using back roads. Purchase a topographic map of your area, and then simply begin connecting residential streets with power-line access roads to scenic byways. Get creative. Railroad tracks, dry riverbeds, and some hiking trails are often drivable. However, it is extremely important that you practice this route every four or five months in your four-wheel-drive vehicle. The first time is just to see if it is doable, and the follow-up times are to make sure nothing has changed. If you chose a dirt access road as part of your escape plan, and a tree has fallen across that road, it can stop you dead in your tracks. You also want to avoid traveling under any man-made structures such as bridges and tunnels, as these may be purposely destroyed by the military in times of martial law to ensure the containment of specific areas. Also, I would not recommend using any routes that require you to physically swim or immerse yourself in a body of water because many disasters will contaminate the water supply.

  AN EXPLANATION

  Before we get too far into talking about the apocalypse and all that, I need to clear something up. In my previous book, Got Fight?, I had a few of my childhood friends offer some background knowledge on me. Thinking that they would all talk about how great I was, I told them ahead of time that I would not alter or edit their writing. As it turned out, my friends do not view me in the same light as I view myself. In other words, they said some pretty horrible shit.

  Thinking that the book would sell five copies, I held true to my promise and included their insights unedited. I did, however, say some pretty horrible stuff in return, especially about my psychopathic friend “Big John.” Having only spent an hour and a half working on the entire book, it did not occur to me that people would automatically assume that I was talking about Big John McCarthy, the world-famous MMA referee. I overlooked this fact, and as a result, everyone who read my book now thinks Big John McCarthy is a total nut-bag degenerate. This is not true. McCarthy is actually a very nice person who cares about the well-being of others. Big John my friend cares only about himself and combs the neighborhood in which he lives looking for unwanted puppies to drown. To save McCarthy from this terrible association he has had to endure for the past year, I have included descriptions of both men. In addition to this, I will now refer to my childhood friend as Bigger John.

  This is the picture Bigger John sent for the book. Looking huge, am I right?

  If you think I was too harsh on my childhood friend Bigger John in my previous book, let me explain the type of person we’re dealing with. When I told him about this apocalyptic book, he wanted to include a section titled “When Killing a Man Just Isn’t Enough.” In John’s world, revenge is everything. For example, if someone were to kill his family, simply killing that person would not be enough. He would want to make him suffer, and how would he achieve that? Yep, you guessed it: by raping him. (When Bigger John read this, he wanted to make sure that the reader knew the difference between man-rape and homosexual sex. Man-rape is all about humiliation and dominance. Homosexual sex is about being gay. His words: “You can fuck a man, and depending on your reasoning for doing it, you can still be a real man.”) I thought about including the section because I didn’t want to anger him, which might provoke him to use his step-by-step instructions on me, but in the end I just couldn’t do it. As a result, I have taken to hiding, so you might not see me for a while. Anyway, be on the lookout for the man in the photos, and if you ever see him, by all means, never turn your back on him.

  Now as for Big John McCarthy, he was one of the first MMA referees, and he did an insane amount to promote and legalize the sport in the early years. I respect him as a person—not so much can be said about the man on the previous page.

  The next step is to develop an escape route on foot. Hoofing it out of the chaos is not optimal, but with many disasters, it will be your only choice. Although you still want to avoid major roads when mapping out this route, you also want to choose the straightest possible line to your safe zone. If the path you choose involves hiking through remote parts of the forest, you may want to stash alternate methods of travel such as bicycles, off-road vehicles, or even a rubber raft to cross a river. However, a word of caution: Do not attempt to use a super-spring pogo stick to make your escape. As practical as this might sound, the pogo stick offers far more danger than it does value. Trying to pogo-stick down a steep embankment of volcanic rock will seldom end in success. Don’t feel badly if you already purchased one—I was a rookie once myself.

  You can never be too safe. Once you have mapped out both escapes, learn all the ins and outs of your path to freedom. Get to know both routes like the back of your girlfriend’s head. This involves traveling them with nothing but the supplies you will have with you, as well as at various times of the year, in order to learn how the terrain and climate will affect you. Although this might arouse suspicion from law enforcement, especially if your route takes you through people’s backyards, getting chased will only benefit your training. Find possible sources of fresh water along the way, and search out hiding places and defensible positions.

  When I was a child, I loved hiding places, but living in an urban environment, I often had to create my own. I remember for one of my birthdays my mom bought me a shovel (yeah, strange present, I know). The only place to dig was a small dirt patch in the backyard, so that is where I took to digging a hole. In a matter of days, I had dug a ditch well over my little head. The coolest part about it was that I had to maneuver around several water pipes, which I used as a ladder and to store stuff on. I even covered the thing with a piece of plywood that had fallen off my neighbor’s fence. It was fucking epic, but needless to say, my mother made me cover it up once we began having plumbing issues. I guess my reason for bringing up this story is that holes are excellent hiding places.

  In any case, both of the routes you create should be segmented into several key checkpoints that will allow you to regroup and hunker down for a few days if need be. If the route to your safe zone is more than a few miles, you might also want to stash weapons and supplies along the way.

  As with your shelter, tell no one about your escape routes. People have a way of talking, even if it is just to tell others how crazy you are. Keep your mouth shut, plan in secret, and do not leave any maps or traceable evidence behind. Think I am being overly paranoid? Let me tell you a story. At eighteen, I was still living at home with my mom. Shortly after I broke up with my longtime girlfriend, I brought a new girl over to the house. My mom had always told me that I could tell her anything, and so when she asked me how things were going with this new girl, I said, “Great, we had sex on the patio furniture by the pool.” I quickly realized by the look on her face that she was not as “cool” as she reported herself to be. She was absolutely not cool with me having sex with random chicks on the patio furniture.

  In addition to telling no one about your escape plan, when the piss hits the wind, be very selective about who you bring with you. Personally, I recommend traveling alone, but if you absolutely have to bring that special somebody, make sure he or she is capable of handling themselves in stressful situations. And once you are on the move, do not pick up stragglers. At the onset of the apocalypse, people will be freaked out and desperate. The last thing you need is some desperate cling-on waving down the National Guard when you’re almost home free. However, I am sure my sweet, seventysomething-year-old grandma Ruth would disagree with me on this point. She picks up scraggly, obvious-serial-killer hitchhikers on the freeway every chance she can get. Seriously, I have no clue how she hasn’t yet been killed.

  SURVIVAL IN A BAG (YOUR GO BAG)

  Your Go Bag should contain everything you need to get from your house to your safe zone. Remember, you’re not going on a two-week camping trip: You’re running to save your fucking life. As a resul
t, you only want the bare essentials. If your Go Bag ends up weighing seventy-five pounds, you will need a Sherpa. And a Sherpa will not only slow you down, which makes you vulnerable to anyone chasing you, but he will also have a very difficult time getting over fences and other obstacles (might have something to do with them being very squat people, much like my coauthor Erich, who, by the way, I make carry all my shit). Personally, my Go Bag weighs less than thirty pounds. Here is what it includes:

  • GLOCK .45: Small, light, and effective.

  • AMMUNITION: Fifty rounds. While people like Bigger John would suggest including a lot more than fifty rounds, ammunition gets heavy really quickly. The goal is to reach your safe zone as fast as possible, not to see how many shoot-outs you can get into.