Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down( A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse)

by Griffin, Forrest

  Anyhow, that is what I got on the subject. I’m fucking out of here. God Bless.

  Strength – Determination – Merciless – Forever

  Chapter 2

  Prepare Now, Part II: Don't Forget To Pack Your Toothbrush

  Being prepared for the apocalypse is about a lot more than just having the right gear and knowing how to use a compass. You need to get mentally ready, because you’re going to have to sacrifice a lot of things that were essential not that long ago if you want to survive. And when I say “essential” I’m not talking about your Xbox 360 or Internet porn subscriptions. I’m talking about your family and friends (though if you’re reading this book, video games and porn probably are your family and friends).

  Supposing you have an actual family and/or friends, you’re going to have to prepare yourself before the shit goes down to make some tough decisions after the sky has started falling. These decisions are not going to be easy; therefore, it’s important to get ready now.

  NOTE: I like this saying—If you are going to be dumb, you better be tough. And trust me, buddy, you are fucking dumb. But I like you, and I don’t want you to suffer, so heed my words well in this section, and you will be as mentally tough as a washed-up porn star’s meat-clam.

  LOVE, THE GREAT ARCH-NEMESIS

  If you’re a decent human being, chances are your kids, parents, significant other, and household pet “Scraggels” have grown somewhat attached to you. This is no good because “love” is the arch-nemesis of the apocalyptic survivor.

  In every apocalyptic movie I have ever seen, people are always trying to find someone they love, which introduces them to all sorts of unnecessary dangers. If you happen to be away from your family when the shit goes down, the last thing you want is for one of them to set out on a heroic cross-country journey to find your ugly ass. Since you prevented all members of your family from reading this book (and rightly so), you will be much more prepared to find them. It can help to inform them to stay put in case of a disaster, but once fear sets in, people do crazy things.

  Unfortunately, the only real way to prevent your family from searching for you postapocalypse is to get them to dislike you now using the tactics below. Although some of these might sound a bit cruel, adopting them may very well save the ones you love from doing something stupid when civilization falls.

  1. Stop leaving notes when you go places. Notes attach you to people when you are far apart. It is your way of saying, “Even though I am not with you, I was thoughtful enough to tell you where I was going and when I would be back.” For many of you men out there, this will not be a problem because you are already completely inconsiderate. For women, this might be as difficult as trying to quit smoking, but it is an essential part of the distancing process.

  2. Purchase your loved ones generic cards for special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day, but purchase the wrong card for the occasion. For example, if it is your son’s

  birthday, purchase him a Christmas card. If it is Valentine’s Day, purchase your wife a “get well soon” card (personally, I bought my wife a “condolences” card, as I find myself deeply sorry for having brought her into my twisted existence). Giving family members these cards will tell them that you put absolutely no thought into the gesture. In addition to causing them to love you less, it will fuel animosity between you. Build enough animosity, and they’ll be glad when you “go missing.” This is the best-case scenario.

  3. Make your significant other think you are cheating. This can be accomplished by:

  a. IF YOU ARE A MAN: Steal strands of long blond hair from a beauty salon and strategically plant it in your underwear. To ensure she finds them, you might want to tie a few into a bow around your junk.

  IF YOU ARE A WOMAN: Start going to the gym.

  b. IF YOU ARE A MAN: Spray various types of perfume on your suit while at the mall.

  IF YOU ARE A WOMAN: Soak your panties in Jack Daniel’s.

  c. IF YOU ARE A MAN: Leave used condoms EVERYWHERE.

  IF YOU ARE A WOMAN: Purchase a box of Magnum XL condoms, and then hand one to your man the next time you have sex. He will quickly realize that this raincoat is not his. However, if Magnum XL is his regular size, you’ll probably want to bake him a cake to ensure he sticks around. A man that large has options.

  d. IF YOU ARE A MAN: Sprinkle stripper glitter on all your clothes.

  IF YOU ARE A WOMAN: Sprinkle stripper glitter on all your clothes.

  e. IF YOU ARE A MAN: Sleep with other women.

  IF YOU ARE A WOMAN: Sleep with other women men.

  f. IF YOU ARE A MAN: Purposely leave the toilet seat up, the cap off the toothpaste, dishes in the sink, and your dirty underwear on all door handles in the house. I know these are little things, but they add up. Just ask my wife. After several years living with me, she cares not if I live or die.

  IF YOU ARE A WOMAN: Leave used feminine hygiene products in plain view in the trash, call your man every fifteen minutes to ask him how he feels, ask to snuggle after sex, replace all his meat with soy burgers, and never wash your feet.

  If you followed my advice above, your significant other has most likely left, your kids hate you, and you’re currently in your new, one-bedroom apartment, sleeping in a twin bed and weeping into a bottle of Southern Comfort. On the upside, your family will most certainly not come looking for you when the shit goes down. And that was the goal, so consider the whole deal a triumphant success. If you are starting to think that perhaps that’s not what you wanted, next time you might not want to take advice from a guy who punches people in the face for a living. Just a thought.

  THE POSTAPOCALYPTIC FAMILY UNIT

  If you are lucky enough to be with your family when the apocalypse occurs, and all of you somehow survive, consider yourself blessed. However, men, women, and children in our society have inherent weaknesses. Some of these weaknesses will have a negative impact on the family unit during the apocalypse, so it is important that you begin eradicating these now.

  FACT: Men Think They Know It All

  Men are constantly getting their families into trouble because they are too prideful to admit when they don’t know something. While we men secretly realize that there are certain times when it’s in everyone’s best interest to hand the reins over to our smarter half, we will never do this willingly. It is up to the women to force this transformation. Below I have included some examples of ways to shatter a man’s know-it-all attitude:

  1. Every time your man listens to your advice, immediately start blowing him.

  2. Make sure that your man’s beer is chilled at all times. Men tend to listen to the one bearing the coldest beer. This is the only reason we pay attention to Hooters waitresses, I swear.

  3. Every time your man admits he does not know something, reward him with a little backdoor action.

  4. Every time your man ignores your directions while driving and ends up getting lost, give him “ the shocker for men” the next time you have sex. The shocker is the number one way to teach a man a lesson. What is the shocker? It involves your pinkie, a hole, and a whole lot of discomfort. If your man is a real idiot, use your thumb. (Seriously, men are so misguided and ignorant, they actually think they are good in bed. They think this simply because women, not wanting to crush their egos, have told them they weren’t horrible. Personally, I just don’t ask.)

  5. Promise your man sex if he can assemble the IKEA computer desk without any leftover pieces. Trust me, you won’t have to deliver. Next time, he will hire a qualified craftsman. Note: Let him know ahead of time that taping the missing pieces to the legs or base does not count. Remember, men will cheat whenever possible, especially when sex is the reward for victory. Note II: I am not trying to come down on other men for being retarded at putting shit together because I am no better in this department. Before I made it in fighting, I was living with my friends John and Amber. I bought a bookshelf, put the four walls of the thing together, and then decided to
postpone the rest until a later date. Three weeks later, I came home and learned that Amber had finished its construction herself. I guess she got tired of looking at it. Note III: Leave shit half finished, and women will usually do the man’s work for you. Note IV: Scratch that last note—I forgot this section was supposed to be for women.

  FACT: Women Panic

  In every household around the planet, a woman jumps on top of a table at least once a day while the man of the household must vanquish the creature that startled her. While coming to the rescue might make you feel manlier pre-apocalypse, it is a good way to get yourself killed postapocalypse. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look. Below is the phrase that currently inspires you to stop looking at porn and come charging out of your office with a broom. However, instead of putting “mouse” into the sentence, we will replace it with something that you will more commonly find postapocalypse. Let’s see how large your stones are now.

  PHRASE: Eeeek! . . . Honey, I just saw a ———. You must come out here and kill it!

  WORD SUBSTITUTION:

  • Ravenous motorcycle gang

  • Lion

  • Crazed chimpanzee

  • Nuclear explosion

  • Pack of hungry wolves

  • Global superstorm

  • Volcanic eruption

  As you can see, a woman’s inclination to panic is a great way to get yourself eaten or killed or both. If you want your family to survive, you must break her panicking habits NOW.

  The best way to do this is to get her familiar with the things that cause her panic. Here are some suggestions:

  a. Place fake spiders around the house so she gets used to insects.

  b. Nail all the doors and windows shut, crack a couple of smoke grenades, and scream “Fire!” Note: Stink bombs and smoke grenades are two different things.

  c. Lock her in a closet with a harmless rat and scream, “Two enter, but only one shall leave!”

  d. Blow horns at odd hours of the day.

  e. When your wife falls asleep in the car, park your front bumper up against a brick wall, scream as loud as you can, and slam your fist into the horn.

  f. Leave a pile of cut-up credit cards on the kitchen table and tell her that they are hers. Note: To avoid losing an eye or testicle, wear protective gear.

  If your wife survives these little tests, and she doesn’t make you sign divorce papers, she will be one step closer to being ready for the End of Days. Consider yourself a wonderful husband and treat yourself to an all-night drinking binge down at the tavern.

  FACT: Children Are Lazy

  Remember when there was only one fat kid in every group of children. He was always the jolly sidekick who never got to dance with the hot chicks, so he ended up going gay and being the “IT” guy with the ponytail. Well, not anymore. These days, most kids in the group are fat. They shovel burritos, pizza, burgers, and nachos into their increasingly fat faces, and then huff around the school yard complaining. Why are they complaining? I have no idea. Their parents maxed out all the family credit cards to purchase their precious little muschbags every video game they ever wanted, as well as all the Snackdoos and Tootsie Shit-Pops they could suck down while playing said video games.

  I have a perfect example. Back when my little brother Leaf was twelve, I cooked him some bacon on the stove. I fed him his meal and then went to take a shower because I’d gotten grease on my arm (yes, grease splatters require a shower). Well, it turns out that I forgot to turn off the stove, and about ten minutes into my shower, Leaf walks into the bathroom and tells me that the kitchen is on fire. The expression on his face was not alarm, but rather annoyance. I guess he had sat there for several minutes, smelling smoke, and finally found the energy to come down the hall to tell me. I went sprinting out of the bathroom naked, and by the time I got to the kitchen, the wall was actually on fire.

  You can’t really blame kids for being disgusting. When I was young, I would have continued to shit in a diaper and have it magically cleaned if I’d had a say in the matter. It’s the parents. If your goal is to survive the apocalypse, you are going to have to transform your child into a survivor. I’m not talking about going nuts with it like Sarah Connor, but you are going to have to get your kid into good enough shape that he can run at least a few laps around the track without having an asthma attack.

  Here are some suggestions:

  1. Have them make their own food, and I’m not talking about making their own PB&Js. I’m talking about forcing them to kill and skin the animals they eat. If they have no problem killing forty thousand people in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, they should have no problem skinning a chicken. At the very least, it will teach them the value of life.

  2. Cancel their Internet. Notice how I said “their” Internet and not “the” Internet. Porn is one of those things that will vanish in the apocalypse, so you got to get it while the getting is good.

  3. Build an obstacle course between the television and their Snackadoos and Tootsie Shit-Pops.

  4. Glue their cell phone to the ceiling. If they want to text their friends, they have to climb a ladder. Or, if you are really daring, take away their cell phone altogether. Seriously, does a five-year-old really need a cell phone? (Damn it, I can’t wait for the apocalypse to restore some order to this planet.)

  5. Make your child become an actor and steal all of his residuals. (It won’t help them much, but it will make you wealthy without actually having to do anything yourself—just smart advice, really.)

  THINGS TO SAVOR BEFORE THEY TURN TO ASH

  The nice part about acquiring an apocalyptic mind-set is that it forces you to cherish the things most people take for granted. Below is a list of items that you should savor now, while you still have a chance.

  Cleanliness

  Personally, I shower approximately six times a day. I shower when I wake up, before each training session, after each training session, and before I go to bed. Obviously, I like the feeling of being clean. Each day I make the most of the fact that sparkling water flows freely from the faucets in our homes. Sometimes, I will let the water run just to hear its soothing melody.

  When the apocalypse comes, clean water will be but a fond memory. Although I am sure it will prove very difficult to get used to my own filth, I think I will be able to deal with it. I mean, after a certain point, you stop smelling yourself, right? What will be harder to deal with is the filth of others. You see, in addition to losing clean water, we will also lose Bed Bath & Beyond, which currently does an excellent job at masking the fact that we are all little more than grimy animals. Without all the sweet-smelling perfumes and home wax kits, everyone’s situation downstairs will get a lot more unruly. Instead of resembling a neatly manicured lawn, the postapocalyptic bush will actually resemble a bush. The tidy landing strip all guys currently enjoy will transform into a damp woodland area. Personally, I have no desire to excavate such a landscape, for it is only a matter of time until you run into something horrible. What is the worst thing you can encounter? I have no idea because I wasn’t an adult during the seventies, but I can certainly guess. Just think of what you would find beneath a mangrove forest—white aphids, small pieces of gristle, or perhaps something that smells like week-old crab Louis. If you do not take advantage of all the benefits a clean body supplies, you will regret it down the road.

  Coffee

  Coffee is a wonderful elixir that contains magical properties. And unlike most magical elixirs, it can be found on just about any street corner. While it has been proven that coffee in general reduces wrinkles, enlarges your genitalia, and grows hair in all the right places, certain coffees are superior to others. Who is king of this mountain? Starbucks, of course. Personally, I consume about eight Ventis a day. I know what you are thinking: “Forrest, don’t you feel ashamed supporting that type of corporate monster?” No, I do not. Starbucks claims to help developing countries with free trade, and on each cup it has the word “recycled” printed on it. If the CEO of
the company is off club-fucking baby harp seals on the weekends, I don’t want to know about it. Of course, the downside to my current indulgence is that I will most likely go through serious withdrawals when the apocalypse comes. To make a full recovery, I will have to go through six excruciating stages:

  STAGE ONE: Forrest is extremely tired. His basic motor skills are drastically reduced, and he has trouble speaking. He is forced to communicate with others through barbaric grunts. (Note from Erich: Forrest already speaks in barbaric grunts. Just listen to any one of his mush-mouth interviews.)

  STAGE TWO: Forrest realizes that he is not going to get any more coffee, and extreme anger sets in. His rage overcomes the fatigue, and he attempts to cause extreme harm to a number of small animals. Luckily, without any caffeine in his system, he is unable to actually catch any animals.

  STAGE THREE: Without caffeine keeping his digestive system running smoothly, Forrest loses the ability to defecate. He screams at random people. When no one is around, he acts out his rage toward trees, automobiles, and log cabins.