Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down( A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse)

by Griffin, Forrest

  The cracking of the Fifth Seal shows that all the people who had died in God’s name will be really pissed off, and they’ll begin bitching and moaning to be avenged. Not very “godly,” if you ask me. I mean, isn’t a part of martyrdom being satisfied with the fact that you gave your life for God? Vengeance just seems a little out of place here. But looking back in history at how some of these folks were killed—being skinned alive, boiled in water and oil, burned at the stake, and one unlucky sap getting his guts ripped out and wrapped around a drum while a bunch of people beat on the thing—I guess you can’t really blame them. Under the conditions, a little payback seems to be in order.

  When the Sixth Seal is cracked, John sees earthquakes and all sorts of other natural disasters causing havoc on the earth. Basically, shit starts getting really bad. The lamb quickly cracks the Seventh Seal, hoping things will get better, but that’s when angels come in and start blowing on their trumpets, which happens to be the most annoying instrument ever created. (That’s why they use them in the military to get your ass out of bed at 0500 hours . . . Or is that a bugle?) Instead of things getting better, they get a whole lot worse. Over the course of seven trumpets being blown, all hell breaks loose.

  To start with, one-third of all forests and plant life is wiped off the face of the earth, one-third of all the oceans and rivers and well water becomes poisonous, and one-third of the sky goes dark. Pretty bad, I know, but things only get worse. An army consisting of 200 million people starts killing everyone they can find. John must have been a really fast counter to know it was 200 million. I would never have been able to figure that out. I would have said something more like, “A huge fucking army kills a shit load of people.” Instead, John seemed to know exactly how many, and that they kill one-third of all human beings (again with the thirds!).

  Somewhere in the middle of all these crazy visions, John seems to get hungry and, finding nothing to eat around him, ends up scarfing down a small book. It is described as being sweet when he first starts munching on it, but then it gives him a stomachache. Even if I was really hungry, I don’t think I would eat a book, though this book is pretty fucking amazing, so I’m sure it tastes good too. Speaking of which, did I already go over Quiznos and how good it is? I’m sure those twenty-four old dudes watching him trip out were getting pretty hungry as well. With that many people, they could have ordered a six-foot sub. There are usually never enough people to get a six-foot sub. Obviously a missed opportunity there.

  So he eats the book. Apparently this leads to another vision because he sees 144,000 people on top of the holy Mount Zion, and they are all hanging out with that lamb. In addition to this, they all have God’s name written on their foreheads. Note to Self: If shit goes down, grab a Sharpie and make sure to write God’s name on your forehead. Hanging out with a lamb on top of a mountain will be a lot better than what is going on down on the earth. Don’t believe me? Let me keep going.

  The Ark of the Covenant suddenly shows up in heaven—that’s right, the funny box that Indiana Jones discovered, the one that melted all those Nazi guys’ faces off. Seriously, I always wondered what happened to that thing after the last scene in the movie when it ends up in the gigantic warehouse. Clearly what happened was that Indiana Jones later broke into that huge U.S. government warehouse, stole the Ark, and brought it up to heaven. Indiana Jones certainly had his thinking cap on. After seeing the damage it could do, hiding it in heaven was a really smart move. I am not sure how having it turn up in heaven helps or hurts the situation, but that is what the Bible says. From what comes next, it leads me to believe it is a bad omen.

  Satan is cast down to earth, which I think is a pretty dick move. I mean, if you’ve already got the guy, why not kill him! There’s no point in unleashing him back into the world just to meet up with him in a later battle. I guess it’s like fighting a guy you know you can beat down at will. Every time you knock him down, you let him back up just so you can beat him again and really show your dominance. In any case, that is what will happen. Satan immediately starts killing everyone, and then a monster comes out of the ocean and starts doing the same. Eventually Satan, who is on land, makes mankind worship the sea monster, kind of like two guys in prison ping-ponging some unfortunate jailhouse bitch. To make matters worse, the angels are given Seven Bowls, and each bowl is filled with God’s wrath. That’s right, God’s wrath, which apparently has not yet started.

  Sores start to pop up on the bodies of everyone who worships the devil and the sea monster, even if they were forced into doing so, and every drop of water on earth turns to blood. Yeah, that blows. The sun burns the living hell out of the earth, everything is blacked out, and another earthquake hits and levels all the mountains and sinks all the islands (that means no more Pure Cane sugar. Fucking hell! I despise the taste of sucrose in my coffee). But instead of simply calling it quits there, both Good and Evil begin to prepare for the final battle at Armageddon.

  Then God gets bored again and decides to let Satan out . . . again. Maybe he’s been real good and he can come out of his room now. Of course a tiger can’t change its spots, and Satan goes back to waging war and torturing folks. So God has to round him back up again and put him in the lake of fire. It is about this time that God has had enough of the bullshit and decides to have Judgment Day, where he condemns Satan, all of his followers, and every evil fuck in the world to eternal damnation. He just picks them all up and dumps them in the lake of fire for good. Once accomplished, he remakes the earth to be a nice, chill place to hang out. The end.

  With all that said, I am sure you are wondering how you can survive such an apocalypse.

  Hints for Surviving Armageddon

  1. Be kind to other people.

  2. When in a public restroom, do not urinate all over the seat. That is a ticket straight to hell.

  3. Do not cut people off on the freeway, and if you are in the fast lane, go fast.

  4. Do not pick on people who are smaller than you. Unless, of course, they deserve it.

  5. Give to people less fortunate than you.

  Chapter 4

  Surviving the Initial Shit Storm

  If the shit went down and you followed my instructions, you survived the initial death toll by taking refuge in your fallout shelter, boogied out of town using your escape route, and now you’re chilling out in your safe zone, swinging in a hammock and sipping a warm beer. Assuming you didn’t get caught by a demon wolf named Loki while you tried to escape, you fucking made it, buddy! Now, if you didn’t take my advice, you are probably lost in the forest and scared as hell because you can hear the “bad men” off in the distance, shouting about how they want to have another go at ya (ah, yes, the characters from Deliverance are gonna make you squeal like a pig).

  This scenario is much more likely than you actually having followed my step-by-step instructions, so you are definitely going to need some additional skills to survive (and perhaps some anal lube). I strongly recommend that you find a cave or something, break out your flashlight, and keep reading. These coming pages may very well save your life, or give you something to read while you’re taking shit. Either way, a job well done on my part.

  MARTIAL LAW

  With an estimated global population of nearly a shit-ton of people, it is safe to say that unless Ragnarök turns out to be more than just my favorite fairy tale or an asteroid obliterates our planet into pieces, mankind will not get totally wiped out during the apocalypse. There will be small pockets of people who survive. They might be forced to live in some pretty inhospitable conditions, but they will still survive. The United States government realizes this, and because the physical and mental state of these people will be in question, they developed something called Continuity of Government, or the COG Plan.

  There exists a specific directive to this plan called NSPD-51, which states that in case of a “disaster,” the U.S federal government has the authority to seize all the functions of both state and local governments (don’t worr
y, I played no part in researching any of this). All that power is transferred to the Executive Branch of the government (the Office of the President and his cabinet of advisers . . . and no, the President doesn’t keep his advisers in an actual cabinet, except for maybe Bush, because those guys were undoubtedly never around). In addition to this, members of the Legislative Branch (House of Representatives and Senate) and the Judicial Branch are demoted to advisers (serving wenches). In other words, they lose all real power and are subjected to the will of the Executive Branch. (Note: We gathered this information from a separatist camp in Montana. They also told Bigger John he needed more guns.)

  It is important to remember that these actions can only be undertaken in case of a “disaster” or “Catastrophic Emergency,” which is defined as “any incident, regardless of location, that results in extraordinary levels of mass casualties, damage, or disruption severely affecting the U.S. population, infrastructure, environment, economy, or government functions . . .” (Note from Forrest: Blah, blah, blah) So, if any of the disasters we have covered actually transpire, you can pretty much expect the Executive Branch of the government to claim all power, eliminating all the checks and balances currently in place. For all practical purposes, our country would become a dictatorship.

  Before I go any further, I want to be clear that I am not passing judgment on this concept. I understand why it is an essential contingency. If one of the scenarios I described earlier were in fact to occur, it would be pandemonium. While nobody wants to see the Executive Branch with any more power, this would actually be necessary in case of an emergency. The President would need the ability to make decisions in a streamlined and succinct manner, without all those checks and balances that we call democracy. Just think of what things would look like if Thor was battling it out with a giant snake in the middle of your neighborhood. The madness would be multiplied by a thousand because of comic book fans alone. Some type of plan must exist to bring those nerds back under control. However, it is more than a little scary to think that that the amount of power we are talking about here has already been quantified and assigned to a specific entity. It is even scarier to think of how that power might be used. And, if you give it some thought, it is even more scarier (yeah you heard what I said) to think that there is someone out there whose only job is to think about how to keep the government running if shit like this goes down—and that we’re paying him a full-time salary.9

  Immediately after the disaster, martial law would almost certainly be declared. Martial law is simply a nice way to say that you are now living in a society completely controlled and regulated by the government. If you’re wondering what this world would be like, just think of the book 1984, only with less stuff. (What? You didn’t read 1984. You’re an idiot.) Your value in the society is suddenly based upon what you can do to further this government’s efforts or goals. For example, if it were my dictatorship, your worth will be based upon how good of a training partner you are for me, and if you bring me delicious treats and coffee. Basically, if you treat me like Sean Connery in the 1975 movie The Man Who Would Be King, and give me gold and jewels like one of those natives, you’ll be OK, so long as you don’t get all uppity when you realize I am not actually a god, chop off my head, and throw it off a cliff (that part of the movie fucking sucked). Personally, I am not too worried about my place in the new system, as I possess some skills. However, I’d be a little concerned if I were you. I mean, I imagine your most valuable skill is being able to jerk it while simultaneously playing an online game of Call of Duty.

  Disagreeing with the government’s overall game plan is no longer an option—if you do not follow their orders, you risk imprisonment or execution (arguing with them is much like arguing with Greg Jackson between rounds—it just ain’t gonna happen). And if you are deemed undesirable due to your health, age, intelligence, etc., you may end up being expendable. Of course, all of this only applies to extreme cases, such as if 90 percent of the human race was suddenly wiped out in the blink of an eye or if we had a major collapse of the U.S. economy. Either way, this is all important stuff to consider.

  Life under martial law would be a life of regimentation. You would work the job you were told to work, and for as long as you were told to do it. You would be compensated however the government saw fit. The government would institute curfews and regulate the information that reaches the general public. Food and medical supplies would be rationed according to your value and status in the new social structure. I know, this system failed in both North Korea and Russia, but the government would still try it thinking they could succeed. After all, we’re talking about the government.10

  Again, I am not saying this would necessarily be a bad thing for a society in the midst of a major disaster situation. It may actually help maintain order and keep us all from raping and killing each other.11 Maybe even allow us to regroup and start rebuilding in a practical and efficient way. Deciding whether or not to adhere to the new structure of power boils down to one question: Do you trust the government to use that kind of power honestly and in your best interest? If the answer is yes, you trust the government will do what is best, then you should fall into line and do as you are told (and you can sleep tight tonight, Santa is going to bring you lots of presents this year for being such a good boy). But if you answer is no, you don’t trust the government, then you’d better prepare yourself for life on the lam.

  Personally, I will want to go it on my own. It’s not that I distrust the government—I simply don’t want to be milling around among the masses when shit goes down. It’s going to be hard to bring my perfect utopia to fruition, and having a bunch of other assholes around is only going to make things more difficult. I don’t want to be told what to do or how to live. I would rather forge a new life on my own. If you are like me12 or if you distrust the government, there are a few things that you must prepare for.

  First things first, you must view law enforcement officers and military personnel working to implement this master plan as threats. Their job is to ensure that everyone alive is accounted for under their new system, and it is your job to elude that system and find an isolated spot in which to build your new utopia. They’re not going to want a bunch of freethinkers lurking around because it may cause harm to their design, and this is understandable. But it won’t be good if they manage to capture you. I’m not advocating going up against them or even trying to dismantle their operations, but if you want to live your own way, you will need to avoid them at all costs. For all intents and purposes, the government will have the mind-set of Spock, and we all know his beliefs—The Few Must Be Sacrificed For The Many.13 It is the same as the phrase “For the Greater Good.” If you’re one of the Many, all is well, but if you have some sort of affliction14 or can’t pull your weight, sorry buddy, you are one of the “Few” and the “Greater Good” will sacrifice your ass. If you fall into this category15, you will become one of the hunted. Most of those hunting you will be organized, armed, well nourished, and trained for this type of situation. To elude them, you must be trained even better, which is where the techniques offered later in this book will come in handy (also, watch Rambo. That is where I got 90 percent of the information in this book. The other 10 percent I got from my mother).

  As I mentioned earlier, the best way to avoid the ensuing madness and the rigid social structure that will be hammered out of the rubble and mayhem is to get on the move before the “organizers” step in and start running the show. Of course, you want to remain sheltered until the event causing all the death subsides, but get on the move shortly thereafter. If you wait too long, there is a good chance that the government will limit the mobility of the general populace by setting up checkpoints and possibly even camps to facilitate their containment efforts. The trick is to get the hell out of Dodge and then find a location that has clean water, vegetation, and possibly even a healthy amount of wild game. In other words, head to Montana. Just make sure your plot of land is not desired by the
government, as that will undoubtedly lead to a confrontation which you are not going to win.

  MANLINESS AND THE APOCALYPSE

  I know this book is about the apocalypse, but I felt compelled to address manliness in today’s society, or the lack thereof. After the apocalypse, this lack of manliness is going to be a real problem, so it’s important that we start addressing this issue now. If you take a hard look around, you’ll notice that men’s hairy nutsacks have gone the way of the appendix. That’s right, the vast majority of men have essentially become eunuchs. What are the signs? Well, the fact that tattoos and tanning beds have replaced the good old-fashioned workbooks and callused hands as indicators of manliness is a good start. Even professional fighters, who are supposed to be ultra-manly, have gone soft. After all, it’s kind of hard to be a real man when you play more video games than twelve-year-old boys in China. I am not saying that fighters are not tough, because many of them are very tough. But there is a difference between being tough and being manly. You can be tough as hell, own a pit bull, and even ride a motorcycle, and still not be manly.

  If you want to be a real man, at the very least you must learn how to fix shit—and I am not talking about your cable. Every guy, both manly and unmanly, knows how to rig his cable box. I’m talking about big shit. Today, most fighters don’t have a clue how to fix their plumbing or heat and air—they don’t have the slightest clue what Freon is or what it does.

  APOCALYPSE MANLINESS TIPS

  1. Refer to groceries as supplies. Example: I am going out for supplies.

  2. Start every sentence with: “There are times in a man’s life where he’s got to stand for something . . .”