Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down( A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse)

by Griffin, Forrest

  On the flip side, you have the atheist’s gambit. (And just so you know, I am most likely making this all up, even though in my head I honestly feel it is something someone told me at one point at time.) The atheist’s gambit states that religion is restrictive and destructive. To prove this point, all you have to do is look at one of the hundreds of wars that have been fought over religion, such as the never-ending battle raging between Pakistan and India (seriously, why can’t the Buddhists and Confucianists just get along!). If you abolished all the religions, the majority of wars would simply end. Sure, the leaders could find other methods to rally their people to fight for their selfish causes, but they would never be able to mobilize the same number of them. So the atheist’s gambit basically states that without religion, people will stop all the fighting. They would start living for the moment and stop focusing on getting theirs in the next life.

  Personally, I find Pascal’s Gambit to be more attractive. After all, I am not killing anyone in the name of religion. If you use a little common sense, it should be easy to figure out that killing people in the name of your religion is probably pretty wrong. As a matter of fact, anytime you use religion to justify a bad action, it is wrong. All religions have done it, even the Mormons. Back in the long-long ago, they used to kill other settlers and take their shit, and it was done in the name of religion. I have no intention of killing people and taking their shit, so I think I am pretty much okay. Sure, it is rough to believe in God and heaven when you see millions of people die before they’ve even had a chance in life, like all the kids who lost their lives in the Southeast Asian tsunami or over in Haiti when they had that massive earthquake. I mean, I would understand if God smote me down tomorrow because I am a dirty fucker, but all those kids . . . How do you explain that? The answer I have come up with is you don’t. If you look too deeply into anything, contradictions are going to pop up. It is just a fact of life. You just got to do what feels right, and recently for me, it has been to find faith that there is in fact a higher power . . . anyway, back to the death and mayhem!

  A Note from Forrest

  I know this whole section is a little heavy for this kind of book, whatever kind of book it is. But I like to rant about God because I am afraid to die. I want to know what is next, and I think that by ranting about religion, I will somehow see The Light. The good news is that I know for a fact that I am going to heaven; you heathens are fucked.

  The other reason for all this religious stuff is that I want to get my book sold in Christian bookstores. Ya, probably not gonna happen. Apparently, you can’t cuss in Christian books. It’s probably in the Bible somewhere that you can’t use profanity, but if this were really important to God, he would have made it one of the Ten Commandments. So it probably isn’t any more important than “it is God’s will that you should be sanctified, that you should avoid sexual immorality” (from the Bible, p. 418). By the way, from that passage I just quoted, do you get that it’s wrong to have premarital sex, because I didn’t get it no matter how many times sister Mary-Joy explained it to me . . . Look up Thessalonians 4:3.

  GIVE THEM THE GAMES!

  I like to think that I learned lots of things from the movie Gladiator, but honestly, I probably only learned one: win the hearts of your people, and you will win their allegiance. That said, this lesson clearly didn’t work out that well for Emperor Joaquin Phoenix, but then again, he did spend most of that movie whining about Russell Crowe, so he wasn’t exactly a winner to begin with. Let’s just say winning the allegiance of your people is a very important concept to remember when building your new utopia. I know you want to get your castle built as quickly as possible, but it can’t be all work and no play for your people. You must keep them entertained. Back in Roman times, they used to accomplish this by hosting massive gladiatorial events where armed combatants fought with each other, condemned criminals, and even the most insane wild animals. While these events did wonders to keep people entertained, they were extremely expensive and did little to help the state acquire more riches.

  If you learn anything from my book, I hope it is that it is wise to kill two birds with one stone whenever possible. I know what you are thinking: “How could hosting such barbaric tournaments ever help the state?” In order to answer this question, I must ask one in return. What is the number one burden of every society throughout the history of mankind? If you answered drug addicts or criminals, you are absolutely wrong. The number one burden has and will always be the elderly. Due to my infinite wisdom, I have devised a way to not only entertain the mob, but also solve the problem of what to do with elderly, a problem that will inevitably arise after the apocalypse.

  Before you start imagining all sorts of horrible shit about me, let me be very clear. In no way, shape, or form am I suggesting we arm the elderly with swords and shields and let them have at each other. That is a disgusting thought, and I look down on you for even entertaining it. What I am suggesting is much more humane: MMA for the elderly. That’s right, it came from my mouth first, mixed martial arts for the elderly. Surprised you haven’t already seen it on Spike TV or pay-per-view? I am as well. It is absolutely genius. Not only do you provide sports entertainment for all your hard workers, but you also help the elderly to pull their own weight and remain active members of society. Now, before you scoff at this idea, just remember that Randy Couture and Mark Coleman have been proving this to be a viable concept for years now. To turn it into a resounding success, all you will need to do is structure the organization correctly. The first step to doing this is developing training camps.

  FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM

  Oftentimes in life when confronted by two choices, the harder of the two is most likely the right answer . . . Also, he who falls asleep with itchy butt wakes up with stinky finger.

  MMA FOR THE ELDERLY

  Back in Roman times, the majority of their gladiators were either criminals or paid volunteers. This is perfect! After the apocalypse comes, Walmarts will no longer exist, which means every elderly person will be out of a job and sign up for The Games on their own accord. Each “student” will receive food and housing, as well as all the training they need to turn them into fine-tuned, partially mobile, semi-asthmatic, fighting machines. The setting will be that of a peaceful retirement community. All you have to do is make a few small adjustments. For example, replace their naps with rigorous sparring sessions, their pinochle tournaments with takedown drills, their hour of Ricki Lake24 with conditioning routines, and their kite-flying lessons with hill sprints. Other than these few small alterations, it will be retirement paradise. No longer will their existence be a burden on the state. They will have purpose! Forget about helping an old person across the street—turning them into an MMA fighter will help them in life.

  Once you have developed half a dozen camps, immediately begin initiating rivalries. For example, steal all the walkers and wheelchairs in Camp A, and then blame it on Camp B. Next, steal all the pudding from Camp B and blame it on Camp A. Pretty soon, they will hate each other and begin shouting at each other from across the street (yes, in my imaginary world these camps are apparently right across the street from each other). In addition to building up the fights, such tactics will also create unity in each camp. However, it is important that you let everyone know right off the bat that sooner or later members from the same camp will have to fight each other, and there can be no excuses like, “We are gin partners, there is no way we can fight each other.” If they get uppity about this, just threaten to return things to how they used to be, which is where they got pampered all day by nurses and got to sleep nineteen hours a day. That will get them back into line.

  Before you begin hosting events, it is important to alter the rules from what they are today. The first thing that needs to be addressed is the length of the rounds. Currently, MMA fights consist of five-minute rounds, and it will take both contestants in a geriatric MMA fight that long to hobble out to the center of the cage. To resolve this issue, you can e
ither triple the time of each round or start both combatants in the center of the cage. If you want the contests to be entertaining, I strongly suggest the latter.

  The second thing that needs to be addressed is the use of weapons. I’m not talking about guns or knives or anything like that, but rather wheelchairs and oxygen tanks. Obviously, some of the warriors are going to need these devices to simply make it to the ring, and you must decide before the action begins if they will be allowed to use them in combat. For example, will it be allowable to run over your opponent’s leg with a wheelchair or bludgeon your opponent with an oxygen tank? Personally, I recommend outlawing any such actions, and handling the foul much like groin kicks or eye gouges are handled today. Give the contestant who got run over or bludgeoned five minutes to recover, and then remove one point from the perpetrator should he prove to be a repeat offender.

  Another issue to address is the use of eyeglasses or spectacles. Remove these from the contestants, and it would turn the stare-downs into squint-downs. Personally, I recommend allowing the combatants to wear eyeglasses because not only will it allow them to find their target, but it will also dramatically improve the entertainment value of the match. After all, can you think of a more entertaining display of dominance than the classic Smashing of the Glasses? I certainly can’t.

  WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU ARE A FUCKING FIGHTER

  1. You might be a fighter if you have an orthopedic surgeon on speed dial.

  2. You might be a fighter if you’ve ever given a stripper ringworm.

  3. If you’ve ever worn Tapout shorts on a first date, you might be a fighter.

  4. You may be a fighter if you play more than nine hours of video games a day.

  5. If you take your shirt off at the office, you may be a redneck. If you take your shirts and pants off while at the office, you may be a fighter.

  6. If you bleed on a daily basis, you may be a fighter . . . If you bleed on a daily basis and have a tendency to lose limbs, you may be a lion tamer.

  7. If you feel comfortable using another man’s toothbrush, you might be a fighter.

  8. If your favorite thing about a one-night stand is getting to use the chick’s body wash, you might be a fighter.

  9. If you get into a bar fight in a grocery store, you might be a fighter.

  10. If you’ve ever attempted to pay for a Subway sandwich with an autographed picture of yourself, you may be a fighter.

  11. If you use more Icy Hot than deodorant, you might be a fighter.

  12. If you’ve ever said, “He didn’t hurt me, I just slipped onto his fist,” you may be a fighter.

  Next you must assess protective gear. In order to keep the event from turning barbaric, the wearing of adult diapers must be allowed. Inform the combatants that they can be worn either under their fighting shorts or in lieu of the traditional trunks—much like sumo wrestling diapers have been worn for centuries.

  Another essential piece of protective gear is the groin cup. However, when you are talking about pitting the elderly against one another in combat, this poses a unique problem, as their balls are much longer than younger MMA fighters. We all know that the cup size, thankfully, is not based on the size of one’s package, but rather on the actual size of the pubic area itself (but always stick with a medium or large, okay?). But when dealing with the elderly, the container of the cup needs to be extra bulbous in order to effectively hold the elongated testicles. To get an idea of how large, place an orange in a stretched-out tube sock and hold it up by the cuff. You will see what you are up against here. Luckily, the manufacturing of mouthpieces will not be necessary for obvious reasons.

  Strength is also something you must consider, as old people do not have a lot of it. Although many of them will be vicious in their attempts, most will be lacking the physical strength to cause any type of damage to their opponent. To remedy this situation, it will be necessary to enlist the participation of what I like to call “the Enhancer.” The Enhancer will be a neutral person armed with some type of striking object, say a branch or some type of thick stick. If one opponent is obviously trying to throw another, and it is deemed that the attempt is technically sound, but failing due to a lack of strength, then the Enhancer would proceed to knock the other person over with his stick. Another example would be if a fighter delivered a Thai kick that barely produced any force; in this case the Enhancer would of course administer a sound thwack to the spot where the weak kick had landed. Thus, the Enhancer’s entire job will be to upgrade the force of the strikes to a realistic, true fight level.

  Once all the rules are in place, the next step is to increase the level of the Spectacle itself. This means that you are going to want it all—the grand fighter entrance, the ring girls, the works! First off, you want to make sure that the fighters are pumped up before heading to the ring. This can be accomplished by turning their hearing aids up to the maximum level, and also making sure that the fighter’s entrance song properly represents him. May I suggest some produce a good polka by Lawrence Welk? This will get both the fighter and crowd revved up for sure. To ensure that the fighters make it to the cage before the song ends, I suggest having them ride down to the cage on Rascals. If you paint the rascals with flames or shark teeth, this might actually be pretty cool and entertaining as well.

  So as you can see, the concept of MMA for the elderly is really quite exciting when put to paper. And just remember, if you can entertain your herd, they will always follow. If the elderly get bored with MMA for the elderly, you can always introduce them to a new assortment of games. One suggestion would be jousting on Easy Glides. Just get creative and go crazy. The world is your oyster! And to answer your question, no, I don’t think it was a waste of time for Erich and me to sit around for hours and figure out the best ways for old people to fight each other.

  DE-EVOLUTION

  Renaissance Forrest

  Knight Forrest

  Homo Erectus Forrest

  Neanderthal Forrest

  Monkey Forrest

  Primordial Blob Forrest

  There are archaeologists who believe that human civilization has not evolved in a progressive fashion, but rather got knocked back to a Stone Age type of existence numerous times due to apocalyptic events such as the eruption of super-volcanoes and asteroids impacting the surface of the earth. It makes sense if you think about it. If a disaster was severe and it cast the small pockets of human survivors into a desperate struggle for the bare essentials, the majority of knowledge we have accumulated would be lost (why yes, this is the plot of the Mad Max movies. I told you, I got all the info for this book from these films . . . Oh, and Rambo. Let’s not forget Rambo). In such a scenario, our present would quickly become the long-long ago, and children being raised in the barren wasteland would begin writing passages like the one above about our mysterious culture. The personal recollections of the people who lived prior to the apocalypse would end up being the legends of the new culture. For all practical purposes, the apocalyptic survivors would be the future ancients to the next civilization. Personally, I see this as a great opportunity because it will allow me to pass on whatever legacy I want to my descendants. It is my opportunity to immortalize myself as a god, much like Zeus, Jupiter, Osiris, and the like. Here is how my legend will go:

  THE LEGEND OF FORREST

  My legend is one of death. In the long-long ago, before the Great Hunger and Not Very Much Water, I was a revered general that led the armies of the Empire to many victories. But with the passing of time, the Emperor fell ill, and instead of handing the reins of his kingdom to his evil son Chubaka, he asked me to be the Guardian of his lands upon his death. Through the employment of magic, Chubaka learned of his father’s wishes, and he murdered him with his sword of light before his father’s final command could be ratified in the People’s Court. Chubaka claimed the throne, and I was condemned to die in the arena for the amusement of the masses.

  The name given to me in the arena was Bruce Lee, and as I vanquished one
foe after the next in mortal combat, I became the most feared warrior in all of the Games. Recognizing my formidable skills as a swordsman, the supreme master, Raden, recruited me to fight in a tournament against supernatural beings that wished ill upon humanity. I fought through a gauntlet of strange fighters with the powers of the Scorpion, the Reptile, and one who could freeze his opponents with a single conjured blast of ice. I called upon the great Force, the fantastical energy that connects all life, and suddenly I was filled with the power of a hundred men. I slew each of the supernatural beings as if they were mere children and the world was, for a time, safe.

  I became rich from these conquests, and I enjoyed the spoils of my victories. I continued to spill the blood of many men and dwarves, increasing my hit points daily. But with wealth came great responsibilities. As a member of Wu-Tang Clan, I saw it as my duty to protect the city and its inhabitants from evildoers, and when a crime wave fell upon us, I reacted. Using my vast fortune, I designed never-before-seen weapons, all of which mimicked the vicious fighting nature of the bat. I created a suit that allowed me to glide through the air, a belt equipped with various doodads of destruction, and I traveled from crime scene to crime scene in a black chariot that allowed me to race forward at great speeds across paths of smooth rock.