Finding Home

by Ninette Swann

  “I had to really bleach that cabinet,” he explained. “Turn on the fan. Should air out in a few minutes.”

  “In that case, I think I’ll take a short walk,” Jessica said, moving to the corner where her snow boots lay. “I haven’t been out of the house all day. I’ll call you when it’s spud time.”

  He allowed himself one lingering look at her perky behind, clad now in tight jeans, as she bent over to lace up her boots then whistling, he headed up to the bathroom. Maybe farm life wasn’t so bad after all.

  * * * *

  Jessica squinted into the setting sun just above the horizon and listened to the comforting crunch of her warm boots in the snow. The air was crisp, but not frigid, and her lungs relished the feel of it as she breathed in deeply. For the first time, she allowed herself to think about the days she’d spend alone with Ben as Ellie and Harold made their annual business/pleasure trip into Minneapolis. In the days after the Christmas ball, she hadn’t thought much of Ben at all, save for random wistful memories of that stolen kiss under the mistletoe. Now and then, when she’d been in the barn, she looked longingly at the bales of hay before shaking herself from her reverie. It had been made clear he was off the market. And even if he were single, Jessica couldn’t be sure he wasn’t more trouble than he was worth. He seemed detached and unhappy—two things she didn’t need in her life.

  Still, something must have happened that night. He’d tackled household chores with renewed fervor, and pride had glinted in Ellie’s eyes as she, too, noticed the change. Jessica assumed it had to do with the blonde woman at the dance, and she gave credit where credit was due. If the woman could create that much drive in Ben, she must be a good match for him.

  As the time of seclusion with him approached, though, Jessica couldn’t help but feel apprehension and even hope deep in her belly. Today was the first time in days they’d interacted in more than a functional way, and she’d missed his previously joking demeanor. They might never be more than friends, but Jessica vowed as she crossed the fields that she would at least make an effort to open him up a bit and give him some faith in the small town around him. If someone had done that for her in Boston, maybe she never would have found herself alone here.

  The thought brought sudden tears to her eyes, and the depth of her feelings surprised her. She hardly ever allowed herself to grieve over her parents, but the lack of her own family during the holidays was hitting her particularly hard. She bent down to gather a few flakes into a snowball and tossed it idly between her mitten-covered hands. Maybe she would reach out to them in the coming days. It was Christmas after all. And what better time to end an age-old grudge, whatever it was? The sun began to dip under the earth, and Jessica turned back toward the farmhouse. She had some beef to cut, and Ben had some potatoes to peel.

  * * * *

  “Ack! Stop throwing them at me!” Jessica laughed and ducked as a soggy skin hit her in the leg.

  “What? Like this?” Ben took aim with the peeler, and a piece of potato flew past her ear.

  “You’re making a mess!” She giggled, bending down to pick up the scrap. As she rose, she felt him close behind her. Her stomach twisted in anticipation, and she turned to face him…then collapsed into a harder fit of laughter. Ben held up two peeled spuds, making as if they were little monsters out to get her.

  “Ben! Agh! Cut it out!” She ran away from him but hit the corner of the room, from which there was nowhere to go.

  “We’ve got you now, pretty Jessica. You will do our potato bidding.” His squeaky tone rang with silliness and good humor. Suddenly, though, Ben’s eyes took on a serious glint, and he put the potatoes down on either side of her kitty-corner prison. She looked up at him, breathless from the joviality. His dark hair fell in a sexy line over his forehead and his lips quirked up in a nervous smile. “Hey, Jessica,” he said softly, not moving away.

  “Hey,” she replied in kind.

  “What’s all the ruckus down here?” Ellie asked as she walked into the kitchen. “You’d think you were…” She trailed off, looking at the couple. “Oh, well then. We’ll be down for dinner in an hour. Don’t get too distracted, you two.”

  Ben straightened and headed toward his mom. “Aw, we were just playing around, but you’re right to get out of the kitchen.” He flashed Jessica a conspiratorial smile then turned and grabbed the vegetables he’d left on either side of her. “Because my potato minions will come for you next!” He sprinted toward his laughing mother as she scurried from the kitchen.

  Once on the safe side of the door, Ellie peered in again. “It’s nice to have you home, son,” she said. “And you’re good for him,” she added to Jessica. “We’ll see you two crazy kids in a bit. Just packing up the truck.”

  After she left, Jessica smoothed her sweater back over her jeans. “Well, we’d better get right to work then,” she said, feeling awkward. She liked that Ellie considered her a nice match for her son, but she was having a hard enough time coming to terms with her own feelings. She didn’t want her affection for the kindly woman to sway her romantic decisions.

  “That’s right,” Ben said, smiling broadly. “These spuds ain’t gonna peel themselves!”

  * * * *

  Sitting across the table from Jessica yet again, Ben couldn’t help but notice how the family dynamic had changed since the night of his arrival. She chatted comfortably with Harold and Ellie about their trip, making lists aloud and organizing the chores to be done in their absence.

  They joked and laughed as if they were a true family, and the image of it warmed Ben’s heart. She fit here. She’d fit here before he’d come back, and she fit here now. With him. Still, he couldn’t go about declaring his puppy love for the bright and competent girl. He had too many of his own problems to iron out. He vowed to stay away from her romantically until after the holidays. She deserved someone who knew who he was. And that person wasn’t him…yet.

  “So, you’ll be back before Christmas, then?” Jessica asked Harold as she buttered a homemade roll.

  “Oh, yes, we had to squeeze this trip in this year, so we’ll just be gone the two days…back Christmas morning.” Harold winked at Ben. “Don’t get into any trouble while we’re gone,” he said in a mischievous tone.

  “Who? Me?” Ben feigned innocence to the laughter of the table.

  “Will you be staying here while they’re gone?” Jessica asked, her green eyes intent upon his face.

  “Well, yes,” Ben said, confused at the question. “Where else would I go?”

  “Oh, well, nowhere. I just thought…” she trailed off.

  “Thought what?”

  “I just thought maybe you’d go to stay with the woman from the dance, since you won’t be needed here.”

  “Who, Lisa?” Ben smiled. “She’s just an old friend. It would be extremely weird for me to show up there, asking her to let me spend a few nights. Unless you’re kicking me out?” he prodded. He should have let it go, but he wanted to see where she stood.

  “Of course not!” she replied. “This is your house. I’m not kicking anyone out. Besides, I’d like the company.”

  “And it’s not as if he’s got nothing to do,” Harold butted in. “There’s always work around here. We’re happy you don’t have to keep the farm running on your own.”

  Ben wasn’t quite satisfied with her reply. He wasn’t sure what he’d been looking for—certainly not a declaration of love or anything—but he had hoped for something a little more solid. Still, he’d done this to himself. He reminded himself to be patient. It was a newly acquired skill, and one he had to consciously practice.

  “Nah,” he said, trying to keep his voice light. “I’ll stick around here and do the rough barn work. You make the kitchen smell nice.”

  Jessica wrinkled her nose. “As long as you promise to stop stinking it up with your bleach and your cleansers, sounds like a deal.”

  They shook on it from their respective sides of the table. As the family resumed eating, Be
n thought about the two days that stretched in front of him. It would be hard to be so close to Jessica and alone with her without allowing himself to make a move. At every turn, the luscious redhead alerted every cell in his body to her presence. This was a time for family and friendship, not lusty, fly-by-night romance. If he wanted to see Jessica long-term in any sense, he’d have to pace himself and live for the little rewards, just as he was trying to do with the rest of his life. He had a feeling when it came to her, practicing patience would be even harder than in New York City where he’d just wanted his stock to rise overnight. Slow and steady, he thought. Slow and steady.

  He glanced at her over the hot pot roast dish, and she flashed him a gorgeous smile that melted his insides.

  Slow and steady.

  Chapter Five

  Jessica hummed a Christmas tune as she finished up the dinner dishes the day after Ellie and Harold had left for the city. She and Ben had fallen immediately into a comfortable routine, sharing some chores, taking turns with others. While she sometimes still startled at the sight of his broad shoulders and dark features, she was learning to stay away from the physical desire that had kept her on edge the past week. They worked well as friends.

  “Hey.” Ben poked his head into the kitchen. He was dressed smartly, in black slacks and a crisp white button-down. “I’m meeting some friends at the tavern in a few minutes. Do you want to come?”

  She wiped her hands on her jeans, already dirty from the grease of the frying pan and looked up at him. She wanted to go, she realized with surprise, but she couldn’t go as she was. It would take more than a few minutes to fix herself up.

  “I’d better not,” she replied, glancing around the kitchen. “There’s more stuff to clean up, and I’m in no shape to go out.”

  “Sure you are!”

  “Look at me,” she said.

  His eyes swept her body in an admiring appraisal that made her blush.

  “Now look at you,” she continued, undeterred by the unwanted sensations fluttering through her. “See the difference?”

  “Well,” he said, considering her carefully, “they can wait. Why don’t you get ready and I’ll finish up in here.”

  “In your best duds?” She laughed.

  “First of all,” he replied, crossing the space between them, “these are not my best duds. And secondly, I really want you to come.”

  She cocked her head.

  “And I’m not the only one,” he continued. “You made quite the impression on the guys. Hal’s dying to see you.”

  “Hal.” She smiled. “I like him.”

  Ben grimaced, but the expression flickered off his face as soon as it had taken hold. “Then it’s settled,” he said. “You’re going. Now, get!” He wrapped a dishtowel around his strong hand and whipped it at her, purposely missing and thwacking the cabinets behind her instead.

  “All right, all right,” she said, unable to suppress a giggle. “I’m going.”

  She took a quick shower, just enough to wipe the day’s grime from her body and hair, then chose the only other formal outfit she’d bought earlier that month: a simple red dress with a black jacket. Holiday-like without being too imposing. Ben waited for her as she descended the stairs. He let out a breath.

  “Wow, you look…amazing. I never knew red could go with red hair.”

  Jessica laughed. “You’d be surprised what you can do when you don’t let societal rules get in the way.”

  He took her hand and led her with mock grandiosity to his old SUV. “Your carriage, m’lady.”

  Stepping up, she felt flattered when he closed the door for her. He really was an old-school westerner underneath.

  They parked behind the old Collet Hotel, and Ben slipped an arm around her as they walked, steadying her when she lost her balance on a patch of black ice.

  “They plow,” he explained, “but sometimes they forget to sand. Be careful.”

  She nodded, not wanting to say anything that would make him remove his hand from her waist.

  As they entered the old lobby, Jessica’s eyes widened. A winter wonderland greeted them with fake snow on the ground and a dozen Christmas trees. The air smelled strongly of pine…and whiskey.

  “Hello, darling,” Hal drawled, having snuck up behind her.

  She started at his words then laughed when she realized the heavy alcohol scent came from him.

  “Started early, eh, Hal?” Ben said, inclining his head.

  “Well, Ben,” Hal said, “there’s no time like the holidays to get plastered, am I right?”

  “Just behave yourself.”

  Hal saluted and staggered off to the corner where a jukebox played Jingle Bell Rock.

  “Well, would you look at what the cat dragged in?” A large, menacing figure loomed by the bar, shouting over to them. “Came back home with your tail between your legs, eh?”

  “Butch,” Ben nodded in greeting. “Nice to see you as always.” His arm tightened around Jessica’s waist.

  “They don’t call me Butch no more,” the man said, a snarl on his lips. He downed a shot of some amber liquid then popped the shot glass on the counter. The noise was loud enough to be heard over the music. “Just call me Jim.”

  “I like that better anyway,” Ben said, a tight smiled playing on his lips as he steered them over to the other man. “Merry Christmas, Jim.”

  “For you maybe,” the man slurred. He glanced up at Jessica with watery eyes. “You’ve got yourself a pretty little whore there, don’cha? Is that the kind of strumpet they make in New York?”

  Jessica bristled at the attack. “I live in Sauk Centre, actually,” she said primly. “And I’m standing right here. You can insult me to my face.” She jutted out her chin.

  “Oh, you ain’t local, honey. I’d know about the likes of you.” Jim smirked. “Bartender! Get Ben and his bitch some drinks over here!”

  “Okay, that’s enough,” Ben said in a low growl.

  “I’m sorry, did you say something, pipsqueak?”

  Ben’s hold on her relaxed as he spun Jim’s barstool around. Getting right in the larger man’s face, he said, “I’m not here to be bullied, asshole. Laugh at my failures all you want, but leave her out of it. Talk about her that way again, and I’ll wipe this floor with your mouth.”

  “Ooh, big talker,” Jim said loudly, but a flash of fear went through his face before it settled back to its calm menace. “I’ll leave you be.”

  “Good,” Ben said as he accepted the two beers the barkeep handed him.

  “For now,” Jim said when they turned their backs. Jessica didn’t know if Ben ignored him or simply didn’t hear the remark.

  “Who was that?” she asked when they were safely across the room.

  “Small-town bully,” Ben replied, glowering at Jim’s back. “He used to beat the piss out of us, the ones who were smaller than him. He was a big deal around here then we all grew up and everyone made something of themselves. Except him. He’s still hanging outside the 7/11, being tough, living at his dad’s.”

  “He’s definitely got some issues.”

  “That would be an understatement,” Ben said, taking a pull off his beer. “When I left town, he couldn’t stand that I was making it out of here. He always hated me because of that girl you saw me with last week, Lisa. He’s sweet on her, but she couldn’t be less interested. He made a play for her after I left and blames me for her shooting him down.”

  Jessica tried to stifle her flinch.

  “Blah blah blah, small townie stuff,” Ben finished when he noticed her reaction.

  “What’s going on with you and Lisa anyway?” She hated the question. It sounded needy and insecure. “Not that it’s any of my business,” she amended.

  “As I told you, we’re friends, nothing more.” Ben stepped around her and nudged her up against the back wall, their bodies close to touching. Inches from his face, she stared at his full lips, one hand sliding against the wall for support as her stomach flipped and ti
ed in knots. There was unmistakable lust in his eyes for a moment before he spoke. “And I’d like very much for it to be your business,” he said. Sighing, he turned away. “But I don’t want to involve you in all this petty bullshit.” He waved his hand around to indicate the hotel lobby scene.

  “Well,” Jessica said, “I’ll tell you what I told Butch over there. I’m right here. I can make my own decisions about all of this.” She waved her hand around in a mocking way then laughed when she saw Ben’s shocked expression. She clinked her beer bottle against his. “But for now, can we just have fun?”

  Just then, Hal sailed by and grabbed Jessica by the hand. “Buddy, if you’re not going to dance with this luscious lady, let me show you how it’s done,” he shouted over her shoulder as he swept her onto the large floor where several couples were dancing to Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas.

  She shot a glance at Ben who’d turned to watch them and leaned against the wall. He raised his bottle in a toast, and she threw back her head and laughed. She felt safe with Hal, and Ben trusted him. What was the harm?

  Moving her hips to the music, she made sure to stay a few feet away from the drunk friend, and he was respectful of her distance. They didn’t try to talk over the loudspeakers, and Jessica let herself go a little, lifting her heavy locks off her neck when the exertion started making her hot.

  “Step aside, dipshit,” a deep voice rumbled behind her.

  Jim stepped around her, cutting off Hal. Apparently, she’d left too much space between them.

  A sweaty chest butted against hers, and the smell of liquor invaded her space. “So, little lady, are you looking for a real man or what?”

  “That depends,” Jessica said, looking around frantically. Ben was no longer at his post, and she couldn’t see Hal, either. “Are you a real man?”

  “A yup,” Jim answered, a condescending grin spreading across his face. His cold eyes bunched up as he thrust himself toward her for an unwanted kiss. She dipped to the side, and he stumbled forward.

  “Then no, I’m not looking for a real man,” she said, taking advantage of his unbalance and turning to walk away. A meaty grip on her elbow stopped her, and pain wrenched through her arm. “Ow!” she said. “You’re hurting me.”