Black Limit

by Charlotte Byrd

  “What do you mean?”

  “All anxiety and nervousness seem to vanish immediately. They get this placid, almost sedate look on their faces. You did as well. And then when I take them out into the main room to look at themselves in the large mirror, they often burst out in tears.”

  “Wow, what a clinical explanation of what I just experienced in there,” I joke.

  “Just because an experience is not unique doesn’t mean that it’s not special,” she says. “Everyone falls in love. The broad strokes of the story are pretty similar if you don’t account for the details. But it’s the details that make each individual love story unique and special in a way that no other one can ever be. It’s unique to each individual couple and that specific time and place in history when they fell in love.”

  Her words touch my heart. She’s right. Of course, she’s right. Almost everyone falls in love in their life, at least I hope so. It’s one of the most commonplace things that has ever happened and will ever happen to a person on earth. And yet, each story is unique. I would say utterly unique, but there are no degrees of uniqueness. That’s why love stories are so fascinating. The ebbs and flows of romance is what keeps the world turning because what greater motivation is there in this universe than love. What’s the point of anything without love?

  Chapter 44 - Ellie

  When I get ready…

  The next few weeks pass quickly even though I don’t do any of the wedding planning. To make sure that I’m not too pregnant for our wedding, Aiden and I decided to have the ceremony on the twenty-ninth week of my pregnancy. Seven months. Ideally, I wouldn’t have been pregnant at all because the thought of being a bride is nauseating enough, but being this far along was definitely better than earlier in my pregnancy. It was better, even though I was much bigger and rather unwieldy.

  Ever since I picked up my dress, I try on my dress every other day. I want to make sure that it still fits. It does, and every time I try it on, I feel beautiful. I don’t know what it is about a particular piece of clothing, especially just the right dress, but it somehow has the power to change how you feel about yourself. I woke up tired and hungover, even though I haven’t had a drink since I found out I was pregnant, and sick to my stomach. As soon as I brush my teeth, wash my face, and put on some makeup, I head to the closet and put on the dress. It’s silly really, but I figure that I’m only going to officially wear this dress once, so why not wear it a bunch of times unofficially.

  Finally, it’s the day of my wedding. Aiden and I spend the night before apart, just to make the next night a little more special. He got another suite at our hotel and he will be waiting for me at the venue at four o’clock. I’m a little bummed that we can’t have our wedding at the place where we had our first real date, but I try not to think about it. Whatever Aiden and the wedding planner put together is probably ten times better.

  Brie arrives around eleven to help me get ready. She’s my maid of honor, though that’s not the title that either of us have used. Brie is still going through a lot. We haven’t talked about it much, but she is still going through a bit of a transition. She is no longer interested in being called a ‘she’, but she isn’t quite ready to be referred to as a ‘he’ either. I’m supposed to use the pronoun ‘they,’ it’s non-gender binary. It’s the right thing to say, but I keep forgetting. Well, not in real life. Just when I think about her in my own personal thoughts. For now, she is still a ‘she’ to me.

  As the makeup artist cleanses my face, I turn to Brie and say, “I know that we haven’t talked about this for a while, but how is everything going with your…changes.”

  “Fine, I guess,” she says.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” I say, suddenly realizing that the makeup artist is here. “I forgot. We don’t have to talk about this now.”

  “No, it’s nothing like that,” Brie says, examining her face in the mirror. “In case you were wondering, I’m transitioning.”

  “Oh, to a man?” the makeup artist asks nonchalantly.

  “Yes,” Brie nods.

  “Wow, how exciting.”

  Hmm, maybe she does have a point. Maybe this transition thing doesn’t have to be scary at all. I mean, I was feeling weird about it, but why do I have to? I mean, Brie is still Brie. So, what if I had a sister for a while? Now, I’ll have a brother. But they’ll still be Brie.

  “I’m here for you, Brie, you know that, right?” I say. “If you want to talk about this.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate that. But you probably don’t want to talk about this on your wedding day.”

  “Actually, this is the exact thing I want to talk about,” I say. “You know how uncomfortable I am with all eyes on me. It’s kind of nice to have someone else’s drama to focus on.”

  “You mean, you don’t want to have your big day?”

  “I am having a big day. A huge party. But we’re also just sitting here, hanging out, talking. I want to talk about you. It will take my mind off all the scary parts that are coming up, like walking down the aisle with everyone’s eyes on me.”

  Brie smiles and shakes her head. “You’re unbelievable, Ellie. Here you are marrying a billionaire, seven months pregnant, getting ready for your wedding, and all you want to talk about is me and my stupid problems.”

  “It’s not as selfless as you think,” I say. “I like gossip.”

  Everything I say in that moment is true. I do like gossip. And I do want to take my mind off this wedding, which is just making my stomach turn in knots.

  “I’ve decided that I would like to transition,” Brie says. “I definitely don’t identify as as a woman anymore. I’m not sure if I want to go all the way and become a full man, biologically speaking, but for now my gender is non-binary.”

  “So, the pronoun ‘they’ is appropriate?” I ask.

  “Yes.” She nods. “And before you ask, I’m into men and women.”

  “I’m glad,” I say.

  “Really?”

  “Yep. I mean, this way you have a better chance of finding someone who can put up with you,” I joke.

  Brie rolls her eyes.

  Just as my makeup is ready, Mom walks in without a knock.

  Chapter 45 - Ellie

  When we get ready…

  Mom comes in carrying four cups of coffee with her - for her, us, and Arlene - and I can feel anxiety emanating from her.

  “Oh my God, there’s still so much to do,” she says, handing us our cups. “Arlene’s not here yet? Where is she?”

  “Mom, calm down,” I say, even though I know that that’s the last thing that’s going to make her calm.

  “I can’t! It’s my daughter’s wedding day!”

  “What is it that you have to do?” Brie asks. “Isn’t the wedding planner taking care of everything?”

  “Yes, but I still have to get my makeup done and put on my dress,” she says quickly.

  “So, that’s like two things,” Brie says. “You can do that in twenty minutes and you have four hours.”

  “And my hair!” Mom says. “Besides, there are a lot of details to worry about. I mean, what if—“

  “Mom, calm down,” I say in my most stern voice. “You don’t have to worry. That’s what the wedding planner is here for. She will worry about the details.”

  I swear to God, worrying is like my mom’s primary job. It’s no wonder she can’t get much else done. It’s practically all she does.

  “Don’t tell me not to worry. I’m a mother. Once you become one, you’ll know what it’s like.”

  We’ll see about that. My mom has the tendency to say stuff like that. You’ll know when you get older. You’ll know when you get to college. You’ll know when you get married. The typical cliché kind of stuff, which is only sometimes true. But the truth is that I’m a bit of a worrier and a fretter, but not at all like her. And when I do let my thoughts get away from me, I always try to pull myself back. Yes, crazy things happen all the time. But worrying about things you don’t hav
e control of isn’t going to really make everything much better.

  The irony of these thoughts isn’t lost on me, of course. Don’t think that. I have spent more than a few restless nights worrying about possibly going away for life for killing a man in self-defense. But that seems like an actually legit thing to worry about, unlike this wedding.

  “Mom, how about this?” Brie says. “How about I give you something else to think about?”

  I glance over at her. She’s waiting for my okay. I smile and nod.

  “Mom, I no longer identify as a woman,” she says firmly. There is wavering in her words this time, unlike the time when she said this to me.

  Mom stares at her dumbfounded just as Arlene comes in. My smile just gets wider. This is the most perfect thing that could happen on my wedding day, and I’m saying that without a tinge of sarcasm.

  “If you talk about me, I’d like you to refer to me by my name or the pronoun ‘they.’ I am in transition, but I’m not sure if I want to become a man. I will not answer any questions about sexual re-assignment surgery, so don’t even ask. And I’ve had relationships with both men and women so I consider myself queer.”

  A photographer comes in right after Arlene and takes a few pictures of us. I have a wide toothy grin on my face mostly as a result of the pride that I feel for my sister right now. Some of it can also be contributed to the shocked expression on my mom’s face. I’m glad that the photographer is here to capture the moment. It’s not one that I’m going to forget any time soon.

  “Why are you telling me this? Why are you ruining your sister’s big day?” Mom finally gasps after she regains her ability to speak.

  “Because I haven’t in a long time. Ellie knows already. She’s okay with it.”

  “But you didn’t have to ruin her day!”

  “Brie’s not ruining my day, Mom. Not at all. Brie has been wanting to tell you this for quite some time, and I’m glad that it finally happened today.”

  “Why? Did she want to ruin my day?”

  “Mom, this isn’t about you,” Brie says. “This is about me, don’t you see that?”

  As I watch my mom trying to process this whole thing, I can’t help but be a little relieved over the fact that she’s no longer freaking out about my wedding. Her level of general anxiety has always been very difficult for me to live with and I’m glad that her present freak-out is actually as a result of something legitimate for once.

  A few hours later, after a big lunch and a decent amount of champagne, Mom and Brie are friends again. I’m glad that Arlene is here because she actually managed to put my mom at ease over the whole Brie thing. Actually, I’m shocked by how accommodating and kind she’s being. I haven’t forgotten what happened when Aiden was in a coma, but a wedding day is not the time to hold on to grudges.

  “Okay, it’s time to go,” I say, glancing at my phone. Everyone stands up and takes one last look at themselves in the mirror. They all look beautiful. My mom is dressed in a flowing lilac dress which is a complement to Arlene’s caramel floral dress. Brie is dressed in a sophisticated pant suit, which accentuates her waist and ridiculously long legs, making her look like a runway model. Finally, I look at myself in the mirror as my mom pins my veil.

  Everyone inhales simultaneously when I ask them what they think.

  “Stunning.”

  “Gorgeous.”

  “Absolutely beautiful.”

  Yes, I think this will do, I say to myself.

  Chapter 46 - Aiden

  When she walks down the aisle

  The wedding planner and her team did an excellent job of setting up the venue. Since neither of us are particularly religious, I decided to skip a church wedding and instead have it at the Old South Meeting House. It’s one of the oldest venues in town and remains largely unchanged from 1729 when it was built. As one of the most important Colonial landmarks, the inside looks a lot like a simple white Protestant church or an old style courthouse. It’s arranged in the traditional New England meeting house style. It has simplicity of line and symmetrical proportions, which give a quiet, elegant type of beauty that I hope Ellie will love.

  I am standing at the end of the aisle with the officiant. The wooden benches inside the meeting house are adorned with flowers. Most of the flowers are daisies and daffodils, Ellie’s favorite. They are not fancy or imported, but they are her favorite and they are a perfect complement to this understated setting. Just as the guests are all settling in their seats, my heart jumps into my throat. My thoughts drift back to the last time I was waiting for her at the end of the aisle. And then the doors in the back open and the music starts. Brie comes down the aisle. There’s a brief pause while she takes her place across from me. I hold my breath. And then I see her.

  Ellie appears at the far end of the aisle. She looks effervescent walking toward me. It’s almost as if she is sailing toward me. As she inches closer, my breath gets caught at the back of my throat. Is this really my bride? Bathed in candlelight, she arrives at her place next to me a goddess.

  I take her hand in mine and we turn to look at the officiant. Since I did not want to put any more pressure on Ellie than necessary, we did not write our own vows. I knew that she would not want to, so I didn’t even ask. Instead, I chose wedding vows out of the Buddhist tradition. After reading over all the vows from various religions, these are the ones that spoke the most to me.

  The officiant says the vows and asks me to repeat.

  “I, Aiden Black, take you, Ellie Rhodes, to be my wife, my partner in life, and my one true love. I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow, and forever. I will trust you and honor you. I will laugh with you and cry with you. Through the best and the worst, through the difficult and the easy. Whatever may come, I will always be there. As I have given you my hand to hold so I give you my life to keep.”

  Through the veil, I can see tears appear in Ellie’s eyes. One breaks free and rolls down her cheek. The officiant asks Ellie to make the same vow to me and she does, no longer fighting back tears.

  “Recognizing that the external conditions in life will not always be smooth and that internally your own minds and emotions will sometimes get stuck in negativity,” the officiant says. "Do you pledge to see all these circumstances as a challenge to help you grow, to open your hearts, to accept yourselves, and each other; and to generate compassion for others who are suffering? Do you pledge to avoid becoming narrow, closed, or opinionated, and to help each other to see various sides of situations?”

  She squeezes my hand and we both say, “We do.”

  "Understanding that just as we are a mystery to ourselves, each other person is also a mystery to us. Do you pledge to seek to understand yourselves, each other, and all living beings, to examine your own minds continually and to regard all the mysteries of life with curiosity and joy?”

  Now, I squeeze her hand as we say, “We do.”

  “Do you pledge to preserve and enrich your affection for each other, and to share it with all beings? To take the loving feelings you have for one another and your vision of each other's potential and inner beauty as an example and rather than spiraling inward and becoming self-absorbed, to radiate this love outward to all beings?”

  We squeeze each other’s hands simultaneously as we say, “We do.”

  “Now, repeat after me, in unison,” the officiant says.

  I look into Ellie’s eyes and suddenly we are all alone in the room. The entire outside world falls away and disappears completely.

  “Knowing how deeply our lives intertwine with each other and with all beings, we undertake the practice of protecting life,” we say at the same time. “Knowing how deeply our lives intertwine with each other and with all beings, we undertake the practice of taking only what is offered. Knowing how deeply our lives intertwine with each other and with all beings, we undertake the practice of cultivating loving-kindness and honesty as the basis for speaking.”

  “I now pronounce you husband and wife,
and you may kiss each other.”

  I lift up her veil and peer into those dark understanding eyes that see me like the man I only hope I can become. I run my fingers along her jaw and pull her closer to me. When our lips touch, I lose all sense of time and place. Then I see fireworks.

  Just as I’m about to pull away, she kisses me again. Pushing herself closer to me, she whispers, “I love you always and forever.”

  The rest of the wedding is a blur. The wedding planner did a good job in making it look like a dream wedding, good enough for a bridal magazine. We sign our marriage license and we are introduced as husband and wife to the reception guests. Cocktail hour and the reception are held at the Four Seasons hotel ballroom not far from the wedding venue. We dance, and eat, and twirl the night away. We cut the cake and kiss each other on command whenever anyone makes a toast or clinks glasses. I resist the temptation to mush the cake into her face and ruin her makeup, but I know that it’s not really the sort of thing that she would like. No matter how much I try to enjoy each moment of this special day, all I can think about is to just be alone with Ellie once again. And it’s not that I just want sex. It’s more than that. I want everyone else to go away. I want it to just be her and me.

  Chapter 48 - Ellie

  After the I do’s…

  The partying lasts way into the night. I’ve never been to a wedding that went past eleven because the venue was only rented until then, but this one just keeps going and going. Despite the fact that I don’t know many of the invited guests, they are friends and colleagues of Aiden’s, along with his parents’ and my parents’ friends and acquaintances, that doesn’t stop me from having a good time. Around two in the morning, I take off my heels and continue dancing barefoot. Aiden is here with me every step of the way.