by Yoru Sumino
I’m sure that Yano-san probably believed in me.
No, not in my normal self. She believed in the me who would come all the way to the school at night to apologize, even after having done such a terrible thing.
So she had asked which was the real me—my day self, or my nighttime self. Surely, she hoped that my night self was my true self, which meant that the one who apologized to her was the real one, and the one who had done that awful deed was a fake.
But that wasn’t the truth.
I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt.
As I walked along the riverside, I saw two creatures before me: one great, one small. Thinking that I might be witnessing a hunt, I let out a roar, and both animals fled in separate directions.
And then I thought of Yano-san, who had stood her ground both before a larger classmate and before a monster.
Just what exactly had I hoped to accomplish in apologizing? Did I intend to apologize and then do the same thing tomorrow if something else of hers landed in front of my feet again? Did I hope to say sorry, even though I would ignore her again tomorrow?
I was trying to create some point of compromise, all on my own.
I had hoped to apologize for my sake alone, so that I could pretend to be a kind person. So that I could pretend to be a model student.
“…I’m sorry.”
I don’t know who I was apologizing to, all alone there in that darkness. All I knew was that I was a far more hideous creature than the people who bullied Yano-san outright. The beast that hunted those weaker than itself in order to extend its own life was the most honest. The people who attacked those that they did not like, who made their stances clear, were the most transparent.
I abruptly looked down at my six feet as they crept along the ground. The black droplets skittered around the dirt, like countless tiny insects bringing their bodies together to form a living being. The longer I looked at it, the more repulsive it was.
Which was it?
Yano-san had surely been waiting for me. For me to come and see her during midnight break. For me, who, even if only at night, was like a friend to her. For me, who saw something in her.
For me, the monster.
She had waited for me, in this terrifying form of mine.
She had been deceived. I was a horrible creature.
I climbed the mountain, my eight eyes reflecting the pure darkness, my four tails swaying behind me. My field of vision, wider than that of any other living thing, was already so immersed in my own thoughts that I could not see the animals that cut across my path, nor the great trees rooted in the rock, nor the little flowers blooming quietly on the mountaintop.
Which was it?
Was it my form at night—a form of gathered black drops, sprouting six legs and eight goggling eyes? Was it my form during the day, my human form, which took part in bullying just to fit in? Or was it the tainted thing that nested inside of me, that always had, which had grown so large now as to consume the me that Yano-san had believed in?
Which one was it?
What truly was a monster?
Tuesday
Day
BEFORE I KNEW IT, morning came.
My head felt heavy. I had let myself get soaked for so long in that form I had probably caught a cold.
My body felt sluggish, and the thought that I should stay home from school today flickered through my hazy head—but it was only a flicker. I descended to the first floor and ate the breakfast that my mother had prepared. I had only one piece of toast this morning.
Though it only occurred to me partway through changing into my uniform, I decided not to bother taking my temperature. Seeing it in numbers was sure to be disheartening.
Feeling my body’s weakness reinforced the conviction that I was in fact stuck with this body. It was the opposite feeling of when I was flying through the skies at night. With the atmosphere and the sounds around, I could make believe that I was an entirely different existence from myself. Of course, just because I could didn’t mean that I should.
When I stepped outside, it was no longer raining. However, I decided to walk.
Step by step, I walked the exact same path that I had yesterday. It was the same path that I had walked and biked countless times, but for the briefest of moments, it felt different than how it usually did. It must’ve been because of this cold or whatever.
I walked along with my head lowered, gazing at the puddles, when I suddenly saw a small pair of sneakers ahead of me.
“Mornin’!”
Before I could lift my eyes, I heard a girl’s voice. The word alone was enough for me to distinguish who it was, but I was still surprised.
“Oh, mornin’. Weird seein’ you here, Kudou.”
I meant on this route to school. There were three main routes along which students typically commuted to our school, but Kudou lived along the northern path.
After laughing in her cheerful voice, she said, “Well, y’know.” Even wrapped up in whatever heaviness had overtaken me, I had to laugh at the half-hearted answer.
“Well, y’know, what?” I asked.
“I stayed over at my sister’s house, and she was gonna drive me to school, but I figured people would make fun of me since I usually ride my bike in, so I had her drop me off.”
“Huh.”
I was surprised to hear that Kudou, who seemed to be relatively enmeshed with the more athletic groups, was afraid of a thing like that, but I didn’t say so out loud.
“Your sis used to be strongest member ever of the kendo club back in the day, yeah?”
“Yeah! There’s a lot of pressure on me.”
Kudou stuck out her tongue. She was a strong one. She could always make complaints or talk about things she hated with a smile. “Keep it up,” I said, offering my heartfelt encouragement to the girl who always brightened my day. She returned a firm nod and a smile that showed her crooked teeth.
As I watched her nod, I suddenly thought—this cold or whatever was definitely doing my head in.
Which one was it? I thought again.
“Say Acchi, that reminds me…”
“Hm?”
Which one was it?
Kudou, who always tried to enjoy life to the fullest, always cheerfully looked after her juniors.
“You seem like you’ve been pretty down lately. Everything okay?”
Kudou, who would suddenly throw a drink carton at the back of a classmate’s head in the middle of a conversation without hesitation.
“Seriously? I’m totally fine.”
Which one was the real Kudou?
“That’s good then. Seriously though, if anything’s bothering you, you can tell me. I sit right next to you, after all.”
“I mean, it’s really nothing,” I said.
I couldn’t tell her that I might be a monster.
“Really?”
“…Hmm, I have been wondering if I should start getting serious about test prep.”
“Whoa!”
I spun around, my hand to my head, as Kudou stopped walking and raised her voice in surprise.
“What?” I asked.
“No, I mean, it’s just, I knew you were a serious guy, but wow.”
Serious, she said. I put up my guard, thinking that I was being ridiculed…but I was wrong.
“I really need to start thinking about that, too. I’m not good enough at kendo to get into high school on just that. I need to follow your lead, Acchi. In exchange, I’ll give you some of my chill!”
“Yeah, no thanks.”
“Ahaha!”
She raised her voice in laughter. Honestly, that carefree nature of hers had saved me time and time again, and now, I felt that it might perhaps help me out again. I thought that, maybe I could ask Kudou—who never made fun of me for being serious, never made fun of people for being different from her. Even if the question itself was most certainly a strange one.
Still, I believed in Kudou.
“Now that you mention it
, something else is kinda bothering me,” I said in a breath.
Kudou quickly molded her face into a more serious expression.
“Oh, sure. Let’s hear it.”
“So, when you’re with your teammates in the kendo club, and with the people in our class, and…you have a boyfriend now, don’t you?”
“N-no, no way,” she stammered.
“Well then, I guess when you were with your boyfriend before. Which of those times did you feel like the real you?”
“Uh, erm, well, I uh…” She hopped over a puddle. I walked around it. “I guess when I’m with you…and the others. When I’m with my club, I have to act properly as a third year, and when I was dating an older guy I was always on my toes.”
“I see. Sorry for asking something so weird.”
“Nah, it’s fine.”
She really didn’t seem to mind the question; I was relieved. And then I began to fret, hearing that she knew exactly which one was her true self. Was everyone else like that, too? Was I the only one who didn’t know?
Also, if that was true, then I wanted to know how bullying Yano-san fit in with that, but I was not about to push that far.
Until we arrived at school, I talked with Kudou about frivolous things, as always. It was a time when I didn’t have to think about our class’s shunning, or bullying, or revenge, or anything.
I thought the whole time about what Kudou had said, but I found no answer.
As we approached the school gates, there were suddenly more people around, and I saw Kasai in the midst of it, mouth open wide in a yawn. He noticed us as well and waved. Kudou and I waved back.
Then, Kudou suddenly sighed.
“I really am useless.”
“At what?”
“Oh, uh, nothing.”
She blushed uncharacteristically and covered her mouth as though she had spoken unconsciously or something. Despite my curiosity, I wasn’t about to follow up. I didn’t think she was useless, after all.
Kasai waited for us in front of the gates.
“Mornin’! You two always walk to school together?”
“Morning! I had my big sis drop me off nearby, and I met up with Acchi along the way.”
Perhaps unable to stand how bored Kasai seemed as he grinned and gave empty responses, Kudou quickly changed the subject.
“It’s nice that the rain stopped,” she said.
We all crossed the school gates at our various paces, smiling at Kudou’s appropriately put words.
Thus began another perfectly normal day of junior high school life.
I turned Kudou’s words over again and again in my head.
The one who was truly useless was me, I thought.
Kudou lived her life every day, knowing exactly who she was, but I was different. Today I had come here yet again, knowing nothing at all, even though I was consumed with questions both night and day.
Surely, I should have decided by now.
Decided what, I don’t know. But I felt that I should have decided something before coming here today.
And yet, here I was, beginning my day in the same way that I always did—still unable to even clearly say who I was and where I stood amongst our class.
At the shoe boxes, I changed into my indoor shoes—shoes that weren’t soaked, weren’t vandalized—and headed up the stairs alongside my classmates, who, unlike me, were not so cowardly.
I walked down the hallway, entered the classroom, and took my seat. Just as I had hundreds of times before. In the classroom, there were people who called out to me with a smile, people who were caught up in chattering about last night’s TV programs, and people who were asleep facedown on their desks.
There was a monster sitting right here.
A liar, sitting right here.
And not one of them realized it.
None of them could tell my true form at a glance. Even I did not know what that was, after all. I still had yet to decide.
“Good…morning.”
I still hadn’t decided anything. Yet, there was that familiar odd voice.
I lifted my head, and as always, looked at her out of the corner of my eye. Yano had entered the classroom through the front door, a self-satisfied grin on her face. Naturally, no one replied. A chill filled the room.
If only I could bring myself not to care about her, I thought. But trying not to care about her might mean exactly the same as caring about her.
Always.
As she greeted the classmates who she knew would just ignore her, Yano, as always, grinned smugly. I was the only one who knew there was more to it, that she wasn’t just messed up.
I was the only one who knew that she did it because she was afraid.
Every morning, she smiled because she was afraid of something. Despite all that she had done.
Wasn’t all this because she purposely made everyone so aware of her? Wasn’t it because she took the time to speak to the people who bullied her? Wasn’t it because of all her peculiar quirks and deeds? This was purely hypothetical, but all she had to do to alleviate the situation was to stop acting this way.
In other words, perhaps all of the day-to-day bullying was not the biggest source of her fear.
Perhaps it was even simpler than that. The answer wasn’t that it was because she was the class whipping girl or because she was her own strange self.
It was a fear so simple that anyone could grasp it.
Perhaps what she feared most was that she would be ignored again today.
I saw each of Yano’s steps as if in slow motion, as if sped up. Of course, truthfully, it was neither. She walked as she always did, her limbs swaying, with our classmates occasionally recoiling in fear of rubbing sleeves with her.
All of my thoughts and emotions that had floated up throughout the night began to swirl within my mind.
I should have decided something before I met her again today.
I should have chosen something before I arrived.
Such as, who I was.
Such as, what a monster was.
Such as, what attitude I ought to take towards Yano.
Such as, what my true place was within this class.
If I hadn’t decided, then all I had done last night had been for the sake of no one. I wouldn’t have such worries if I just came to a decision, I thought.
And yet, I had thought the whole night through, and chosen nothing, decided nothing.
There was also the choice to think nothing at all. But I hadn’t even decided whether I should do that.
I really, truly, had not decided anything at all. And yet…
“Good…morning.”
The voice wove itself through the cracks between everyone in the room, resounding. It was a strange greeting, the voice wavering, the tone peculiar.
We were sensitive to these things. Our eyes and ears were sharper than the adults even realized, so that we could always spot things weaker than us, bad things. It never took us long to spot the odd one out.
I’m sure that everyone in the room heard that strange greeting. The flow of time soon returned to normal in the classroom, perhaps because it was typical if it was Yano who was that odd man out.
I don’t think anyone actually realized who had spoken, nor who the words had been directed to.
Even I didn’t know.
I have no idea why I would do such a thing, since I hadn’t decided anything.
Only Yano, who was always grinning, looked right at me with surprise on her face.
She looked straight at me; the human, the monster.
She saw Acchi.
I swallowed thickly.
She was the only one who knew both of them.
She was the only one who knew both of my horrible forms.
And yet she did not avert her eyes one bit.
She regarded me wholly, as Acchi, with those two great big eyes.
She saw both sides of me.
The moment I realized that, I moved my mouth once more.
<
br /> “Good morning.”
The second time this greeting was spoken, everyone, including me, realized just who had said it and who the words were directed towards.
Yano knew as well. The greeting had reached her. I knew that it had from her lazy smile.
It wasn’t her normal grin. The corners of her mouth were raised only slightly—a natural, unforced smile. Perhaps I was the only one who realized: this was her true smile.
“You finally found your…way,” she said, her voice excessively loud. I didn’t reproach her for it.
I thought about what I was doing.
Was I a traitor to our shared unity? Had I defected to Yano’s side? I sifted through a lot of possible conclusions, but I really did not think it was all that serious. Finally, Yano had said, but I think even that was overstating it.
It was just a greeting. Nothing more than a simple greeting. That was something that either version of me could accomplish.
And yet…
“What gives?” asked Yano, tilting her short neck.
I thought she was asking me why I had decided to return her greeting today. Still, a greeting wasn’t something that should arouse any suspicion.
I tried to answer, to convey that to her, my lips quivering so violently that even I could feel it, but that was wrong.
“Acchi-kun, why…are you crying?”
It was only when she said it that I noticed. My vision had gone hazy, and my throat felt tight. Something was running down my cheeks.
What was this? I didn’t understand. Why should I be crying? I wasn’t sad or anything.
Quickly, I wiped my face on my sleeve.
“Acchi, what’s going on?” I heard Kudou ask from the seat beside me.
Somehow, I doubted that her concern was directed towards my tears.
She probably believed that I had gone off course. If that was what she thought, though, then I’m sorry to say it, but she was wrong.
The part of me that believed that Yano was strange was still there. The way she had treated Midorikawa, what she had done to Iguchi, that behavior was still twisted, still wrong. I could not abandon the part of me who believed that.
But I had finally come to realize that another me had been here all along as well. The me who thought that Yano might not be an entirely bad person. The me who couldn’t believe that it was all right to bully a girl who loved talking about the music, manga, and movies she enjoyed. That me had been here all along, and not only at night.
