by Yoru Sumino
I hadn’t decided anything.
Even after thinking the whole night through, I was unable to choose a single course.
But I knew now, I realized, that both of my selves were reflected in Yano’s eyes.
The me of the night, who could not ignore Yano-san.
The me of the day, who did not want to be hated.
Neither of them was a good person.
And so neither me could save you.
But I could at least hear your voice and return it in kind.
That was something that either side of me could do.
Perhaps it was strange, perhaps it was incomprehensible.
Perhaps it was even a little messed up.
But if just talking to someone was messed up, then I’d lost my way a while ago.
I’d been living my life without knowing which direction each side of me would lean, and when. I had reached the limit of what I could do while living in that indecision.
Ah—I could see now. I was always one step behind Yano in figuring these things out.
Now I knew the reason for my tears.
I had finally found my way.
And so I told Kudou, “Nothing’s going on.”
That reply might have sounded to Kudou like a definitive declaration, a statement that I was allying myself with Yano. But it wasn’t. I was the same as I ever was. Last night, there had been something worrying me. This morning I had run into Kudou, talked about it, and cheered up a bit. This was perfectly in line with the normal everyday existence that I always lived.
Of course, I knew that my classmates would not accept someone as indecisive as me so simply. I couldn’t forget what had happened to Iguchi, once her half-hearted stance was revealed.
And yet, I had hope.
Hope that one day, they all might realize it, too.
It wasn’t a leap to imagine that they could be in the same spot. They might be right there, within the pain of others. They might be mistaken in believing that they knew exactly who they were. We might all be messed up, each in our own different ways. We might not all have a defined place.
I had come to realize this.
And so, I knew that Kudou was different from me, as she responded in her own messed-up way, scooting her desk away from mine and glaring at me.
Her eyes looked like Nakagawa’s had when looking at Iguchi.
It was difficult to accept that.
I felt sadness, from the bottom of my heart.
When you’re suddenly in that person’s shoes, you can no longer believe “That’s just the way things are.”
Realizing this for the first time shocked me all over again.
That night,
I slept soundly, for the first time in a while.
Thank you for reading!
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