Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  ‘OK, I’m going. I won’t be long.’

  I finished my cigarette and went out, seeing the night nurse.

  ‘Nurse!’ I said, stopping her as she headed into a ward. ‘Would it be possible to get a cup of tea and maybe a bit of toast for my mother? She won’t eat much unless I sit over her.’

  ‘Course you can. Unfortunately, I’m busy right now with bedpans and temperatures. But listen to me,’ she said, looking around to see if anyone was coming. ‘If you’re quick, you can go in yourself and make it. It’s quiet now. We’re all busy around the wards.’

  ‘Oh, thanks, Nurse,’ I said happily, putting my hand on her arm. ‘That would be great.’

  I put the tray down, with the big pot of tea and the two slices of hot buttered toast and jam, resting it on the little coffee table, then rushed off to get the ma. I hurried into the ward, then stopped suddenly to stare at the ma. Ah, God help her, I thought, taking her in. She was clapped out fast asleep, exhausted, stretched out in the chair with her head thrown back.

  ‘Ma, Ma!’ I shook her gently, not wanting to give her a fright.

  She opened her eyes, looking up at me. I could see they were all bloodshot from the exhaustion on her.

  ‘Listen, come on with me,’ I said, getting her to her feet.

  ‘What is it, Martha? Where are we goin?’

  ‘I have a lovely pot of hot tea and toast waiting. I made it myself. The nurse let me,’ I said happily, smiling at her.

  ‘Did she? Aren’t they very good?’

  ‘Yeah! Let’s hurry down before the tea gets cold.’

  ‘Now, you sit there and take that,’ I said, handing her the tea and plate of toast.

  She looked at it, then started to eat. I rushed over and put on the television. There was nothing on, so we sat back watching the end of the news.

  ‘Now, Ma, I’m going to drive you home,’ I said, seeing her looking at me like she was going to put up a fight. ‘I know you don’t want to go home to an empty house. But for the minute I’m staying in here with Jackser. So there’s no point in you staying at my house; you would be on your own there, too. The kids are out at school, and, anyway, they don’t know you, Ma.’

  ‘Whose fault is tha?’ she snorted.

  I said nothing, knowing full well she’s not interested in them.

  ‘Right, are you finished? Let’s go!’ I said, standing up.

  ‘No! I’ll stay here. I can sit where I am and watch the television.’

  ‘No, you won’t, Ma. You need a proper night’s sleep in your bed. Now, come on!’

  ‘Ye can’t be tellin me wha I can an can’t do, Martha!’

  ‘Ah, no, Ma! That’s the last thing I want to do. I’m just worried about you, Ma! I want what’s best for you. I’m just looking out for you, that’s all!’ I said, looking into her face, seeing her let go. She was understanding now I meant only to mind her.

  ‘Well, don’t bother te drive me, Martha. I’ll take the bus,’ she said, getting to her feet and standing up, then buttoning her coat and fixing the collar.

  ‘Ah, no! It’s too late to be walking this time of the night. You’re in no condition for that.’

  ‘No, let me be! I know wha I’m doin,’ she said, getting all annoyed again.

  ‘OK! I’m going to call a taxi for you,’ I said, heading for the phone box to see if there was a phone book. I wanted to look up a taxi number. Then a thought hit me. ‘Oh, wait, the porter should have one. They call taxis all the time,’ I said, turning to look at her. ‘Come on – let’s go down to the ground floor.’

  ‘Here! Where do ye think I would get tha kinda money fer a taxi, may I ask ye?’ me ma snorted, looking with her eyebrows raised and her nose narrowed.

  ‘Ah, don’t be worrying about that. Here, I had this for you anyway,’ I said, taking out a few rolled-up ten- and twenty-pound notes. ‘There, Ma, take that. It’s my war-chest money. It will keep you going for a bit,’ I said, handing her the notes. ‘Now, it should be no more than about five pounds for that taxi. So don’t let him rob you!’

  ‘How much is in this, Martha?’ me ma laughed, opening the money to count it, with her eyes lighting up.

  ‘There’s a hundred quid, Ma. Don’t lose it. Now, come on! I’ll ask that taxi man how much he’s going to charge before he takes you there, then I will give him the fare. So you keep that money to yourself. Don’t go taking it out to count it when you get into that taxi or he might start wanting more money!’

  ‘Oh, don’t you worry!’ me ma said, letting her eyes widen and her mouth tighten. ‘No fear a me gettin robbed be anyone!’

  ‘Yeah, true!’ I said, laughing. ‘You’re too well used to hiding money from Jackser! Right, let’s get moving. We can take the lift down.’

  I put me ma into the taxi after it drew up and stopped alongside us.

  ‘Now! Get straight to bed, Ma,’ I said to her as she leant out the window, listening to me.

  ‘I will, an you take care a yerself,’ she said, waving at me out the window as the taxi took off, driving her off into the night.

  I stood watching, seeing her still waving from the back window as the car turned the corner, disappearing out of sight. I could hear the engine rev, picking up speed, then die away as it faded into the distance, hurrying to get my ma home safely, and then she’d take herself into bed, I hoped.

  I sighed contentedly, then took in a huge lungful of warm night air. It felt deliciously soft and mellow going up my nostrils, then it settled itself in me chest and cleared my head. Oh, what a lovely night to be alive, I thought, getting a sudden feeling of well-being. Life can be a bowl of cherries, I grinned, lifting my head to look up at the heavens. ‘Yes, I’m so lucky to be alive,’ I muttered, feeling grateful for the gift of having so much.

  A middle-aged couple strolled past, then he nodded and she smiled.

  ‘Lovely night, isn’t it?’ I smiled, nodding my head back at them. I watched them walk on, arm in arm, keeping step. They looked very contented with each other, and they were all dressed up for the night. I could see they were heading in the direction of town. It looks like they are going out for the night to enjoy themselves.

  But my poor ma has nobody! I thought, feeling a sadness hit me chest at her loneliness. If only she had a nice man to take care of her. She could – it’s still possible, but she won’t take care of herself and won’t even go out anywhere. No, that thought would never hit her; it’s not the way she thinks. She’s like someone held prisoner, except there’s no bars – only the ones put up in her mind. Jackser put an invisible iron fence around her. She’s programmed only to go to the shops and do what he allowed her to do. She wouldn’t know anything else exists beyond that. Jesus, she’s very damaged.

  I turned my head, lifting it to look up at the big old granite hospital with the wide stone steps. They lead all the way up to the two heavy oak front entrance doors. Jackser’s up there now, out of all harm’s way. He won’t be leaving this place until they take him out in a box. Even then they will take him out the back way. That’s where they have the morgue hidden. No! He will never look on these doors again. The march of time slowly edges, marching on. It stops for no one, not even Jackser. Yes, even the bad times come to an end.

  I took in a slow deep breath. ‘Right, I better get in,’ I muttered quietly, as I braced myself to go back up to the hot stuffy ward and sit by Jackser’s bed. I am now here to keep the death watch.

  10

  I woke up with my head resting in my arms, collapsed on Jackser’s bed. Something woke me. My eyes shot to Jackser, seeing him heaving. He was struggling to get a breath that wasn’t coming!

  I stood up and leant over him. The oxygen mask was not throwing out any air. I rushed to get the nurse.

  ‘He’s not breathing properly, Nurse!’ I said, as the two of us stared, seeing him turning purple.

  She turned after taking one look and flew out the door, then came hurrying back in with another bottle of gas and hooked it up, quickl
y getting the oxygen back into Jackser. Then we went still and stood looking at him, making sure he was OK.

  Finally the nurse shifted beside me and took in a breath, letting it out, saying, ‘Yes, I think he’s fine now. He should be all right.’

  I nodded my head, seeing he was breathing better. He had sunk back now to letting his lungs gasp in the air that was pouring out through the mask.

  I felt his forehead.

  ‘He’s cold and clammy; the sweat is pouring off him, Nurse. Maybe I should get a cold cloth, with a little dish of cool water, and bathe his forehead? It will help keep him dry and a bit more comfortable.’

  ‘Yes, I’ll get that for you,’ she said, turning for the door.

  ‘Thanks, Nurse,’ I whispered, as she handed me the bowl of water with the cloth. I moved quietly, not wanting to wake the other patients all trying to sleep through the middle of the night. I dipped the cloth in the water and wrung it out, then leant over Jackser, wiping his face and neck. Then I wrung it out again, leaving it stretched across his forehead, wanting to keep him cool. I could feel the heat coming off the cloth straight away. The smell of his skin was coming with it. It smelled rancid. But it doesn’t bother me much now; I’m getting used to it.

  I sat looking at him, taking in how old he got, picturing him when me ma first met him. He smiled then, letting it show through his big chocolate-brown eyes and the light tan skin. He had lovely sleek brown hair and, once, he wore a snow-white shirt. Gawd, he looked very handsome then. Me ma must have thought she really landed on her feet when he showed his interest straight away.

  I remember that shirt. He bought it especially for himself when they went to get their photograph taken by the fella down in Talbot Street. He wanted a photograph of himself and the ma, with his first-born child sitting between them. That photograph sat on the mantlepiece for years, reminding me that the ma had a new family and Charlie and me were not a part of it. It was just the two of them and their little baby boy, Teddy. It used to pain me then, looking at that photograph. No, they did not include us in that picture. We were just there for them to collect the social welfare money. Many is the day I heard them talking about that.

  He was all on for getting rid of us. But then it would hit him: they could get more money with us. But he had to find a way around for himself, to get his hands on the money. Me ma was getting paid for us. They wouldn’t give it to him, because he was nothing to do with us. But Jackser had his plans straight from the beginning. He wanted to control me ma. So he came up with the plan, after making his enquiries. I heard them talking.

  ‘Listen, Sally. Here’s all we need te do. I talked te the fella down in the dispensary. He told me, if we go to a commissioner fer oaths, we can swear out an affidiate sayin I’m the father of dem two. Then we take it te the births registration office. An bob’s yer uncle, we’re on the pig’s back. We’ll be elected. I’ll then be able te claim in the labour exchange fer the lot of us. We can then … I can then go an claim everythin tha’s goin. Get everythin tha’s comin te us. We’ll be entitled te everythin. We can even go after the corporation an get them te house us! Especially when we start havin our own family! When they come along, the more kids we have, the more we get. The more we’ll bleedin be entitled te.’

  Yes! He did do that. And when it was done, the bastard took me off, miles away from Dublin, and stranded me out in the middle of nowhere. Down in the heart of the country, I ended. We set off early one cold, frosty morning. I remember seeing the mist running off the windows of the few cars then parked along the roads. It was just after Halloween – a few weeks after the ma met and moved in with Jackser. He put me up on the crossbar of his bicycle and pedalled away. Out of the city we went, with him pedalling and me sitting up, hanging on to the bar, feeling me hands stiffen with the cold. He was in a black – oh, a very black – mood that morning. He kept muttering, fighting under his breath. ‘Wha’s tha bastard lookin at? Wha’s she talkin about me fer? Wha’s he sayin about me?’ he kept mumbling, as he swung his head from one side of the road to the other. All this time, convinced people were staring at him, people were talking about him. People were out to get him – they meant him harm. Once we left the city with people, he went deadly quiet.

  I passed the time taking in all the sights to be seen with not a word spoken. Jackser stared ahead, pedalling steadily, never losing his pace. On and on we went, while all this time I was lost in my thoughts, even as we passed the airport with nothing to look at. The couple of planes we had then were probably up in the sky somewhere. I was lost in me own world, thinking about the day when I grew up and could escape Jackser, and even the ma by then.

  He cycled up and down through narrow country roads, with hedges and trees blocking out the light. Not many people used them roads. They were covered over by grass and had stones underneath. On and on we still went, with the smell of cowshit in me nostrils. I didn’t recognise it then. I had never set foot in the country before. I hardly recognised the grass, only I had seen it growing in places – parks and things. Then, finally, he was satisfied. We had reached our destination.

  He stopped the bicycle and hauled me off, leaving me standing looking like I was still sitting. Me arse and the rest of me was stiff as a board; the cold didn’t help. Then he lifted the bicycle into the air and buried it in the middle of a hedge. I watched, wondering about that. Then he lifted me without a word and put me under his arm while he scaled a dry wall with a thick hedge in front. Over we went with him dropping to the ground, letting me land on me feet. We had one more gate to climb, then we walked. Through long fields with trees and hedges, on and on we went.

  Eventually we stopped – we were there. The sun came out. It was a beautiful, cold, crisp November morning, and the sun brightened the icy white fields, making the green all glisten.

  He left me standing in the middle of a field, with trees and hedges hiding the land. You could only get on through a narrow gap hidden between two big old trees. Then he told me not to look around. ‘Don’t move. Stay there!’ Then he walked off and left me.

  I did as he told me – I stood there all that day. I stood until the watery sun went down and the light was fast disappearing. Then the terror rose in me. I knew then he had dumped me. I was completely alone in the world. No one would ever find me, I thought. I’m lost! I’ll never see me mammy again, or me babby brother, Charlie. Yeah! He had strayed me like a dog that wasn’t wanted no more.

  I was six years old. His intention was probably to let me die of exposure. But I wonder why he came back for me? He probably talked it over with the ma. She would have sat there saying nothing, just blinking and thinking, chewing her lip, wanting me back but afraid he would kill her. Then he managed to work it out. The authorities would track him down, then he would be up the creek without a paddle. Fucked, as he would say himself.

  Yes, I thought, letting my eyes focus on Jackser. There’s a special reason for us now being here together, Jackser. Your power to chase me down the days and nights of my life, haunting my dreams, bringing me nightmares, is now going to end. I’m not running from you any more. Not from that horror when I would wake in a cold sweat, my heart thumping, still hearing your footsteps thundering up behind me while I ran in terror, trying to keep ahead, all the time feeling your hot breath whispering at my neck, knowing any moment I was just about to lose my life. Then the room would slowly swim into focus. I would wake and I would know, I am safe from you for now. I have managed to outrun you. You happened so very long ago, I had you dead and buried in my mind, if not in my dreams. Because you left me the legacy of a shadowy little girl who haunts the fringes of my mind. It is just before I sleep, while I am falling between two worlds, she will come. Then I hear her whisper, ‘He’s not gone away, Martha. He will catch ye when you sleep!’

  Enough, Jackser, you are part of my history! Somehow, being here with you like this, it feels so bittersweet. It is like you and I have so much unfinished business. So it is important to you and me, Jackser. Y
ou need me – we need each other. So I will sit here with you for as long as it takes, and keep the death watch with you.

  No, nothing is more important, Jackser. I have all the time in the world. My children are safe and warm and well with their father. So it is just you and me passing the days and nights as you take your last gasps of breath, heading towards the final moments of your time on this earth. We will soon be meeting at a crossroads, Jackser. Your way is pointing into the unknown, and mine is pointing in a new direction. But for now we are travelling together, back along a road I have a sense, a feeling, it is a road I have travelled before. A long, long time ago.

  I lifted my head from the side of Jackser’s bed, looking around for a minute, seeing the early-morning light beginning to stream in through the windows.

  ‘Good morning. Did you manage to get a bit of sleep?’

  I looked up, seeing the night nurse bending over me.

  ‘Oh! What’s wrong?’ I said.

  ‘It’s morning,’ she smiled, looking tired but relieved as she said, ‘We’re going off night duty now, but I wanted to wake you. I have just this minute made you a pot of tea and some hot toast. I left it sitting down for you in the waiting room. I thought you might be more comfortable there. Run down now and have it,’ she said, tipping my arm as she buttoned her cardigan around her, getting ready to go off duty.

  I came fully to me senses then, realising the night was over. I felt myself lifting at that thought and the idea of having something to eat and drink. I feel tired, weary and hungry – a bit of grub should help to buck me up.

  ‘Oh, thank you, Nurse!’ I smiled, standing to me feet and rubbing her shoulder with appreciation. ‘Thanks a million. That really is thoughtful of you. It’s just what the doctor ordered,’ I laughed.

  ‘Oh, don’t mention it. It’s nothing short of what I might expect myself if the roles were reversed,’ she grinned, letting her lovely velvet blue eyes light up in her porcelain, beautifully shaped oval face. It was framed by a head of lovely auburn, silky hair, pinned up under a white-linen cap.