Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  ‘No, God only knows,’ I sighed, shaking my head, blocking it out.

  ‘Yeah, Charlie told me, Martha, youse didn’t work out. He said the fella was really lovely. He was mad about you, but tha he was a bit bossy, an tha didn’t go down too well wit you!’ she laughed, looking at me.

  ‘No, as much as we wanted to make it work, it couldn’t, Dinah. We were both too powerfully passionate and fiercely independent,’ I said, getting the memory of that other loss. ‘He wouldn’t follow and I wouldn’t follow. It was against his Russian male dignity,’ I laughed. ‘We kept locking horns. The screams could be heard in Russia. No, we were impossible together. We just had to cut our losses quickly. So it got a surgical cut before we even knew the second baby was on the way. I … I didn’t love him, Dinah. We went our separate ways, but he is still the children’s father. Other than that, we are strangers. I do not depend on him for anything. No, I paddle my own canoe, Dinah. But you never know what’s around the next bend, so get paddling!

  ‘Now, you forget about thinking like that, Dinah. Anyway, you would only be taking the ma and Gerry with you. They wouldn’t be able to take it. No, you will have plenty to live for. Just you wait and see, Dinah! It’s coming. The ma is on her own now. She’s going to need you, so think about that! OK, come on, give me a hug,’ I said, wrapping my arms around her.

  I could feel her stiffen, holding herself rigid with the tension. ‘Take it easy,’ I murmured, stroking her back. ‘You have to believe me, Dinah. Your time is definitely coming. I promise you, nothing stays dark for ever. Now, just bide your time for a little while longer,’ I said, pulling her closer to me.

  She took in a big sigh, listening but saying nothing. Then I felt her easing and letting go, falling into me. She trusts me, I thought happily. She still has hope.

  We stayed very quiet, letting the sense of peace between us soak into her. I wanted to give her strength, let her know she is loved because she is Dinah. I want her to know she has me behind her, looking out, just like I did when she was a little child. I only pray this will keep her safe and give her courage.

  ‘I love you, Dinah. Don’t forget that. You know I would never let you down. Are you listening to me?’ I whispered, looking into her face.

  ‘Yeah! I know, Martha. Me ma knows tha too.’

  I nodded slowly, seeing a bit more life creep back into her eyes. ‘So I’m never very far away, just at the end of a phone call.’

  The words I had just said came hurtling back to haunt me. I remember saying those very same words before. It was to Harry! He had said the very same thing to me then that Dinah just said to me now. ‘I’m goin te do away wit meself, Martha.’ That day was the last time I ever saw him. The next time I saw him I was looking down at him in the hospital morgue as he lay dead on a cold stone slab. I couldn’t bear it to happen again.

  ‘Listen, Dinah, sit down for a minute,’ I said, taking her arm and sitting her in the chair. ‘I want you to listen to me, Dinah! No matter how bad things get, how black they seem, even when everything has failed, when no one wants to know you, when we’re down and out we’ve hit rock bottom – well, Dinah, we still have one thing left to us, we still have our life. That’s the greatest gift we have, Dinah. We have our life. That’s why I love the ma. She gave me that gift. It was her that brought me into this world. Nothing else matters, Dinah. Life is everything – hang on to it! You never know what’s just around the next corner.

  ‘One more thing – there is plenty of room in the world for everyone. The mad, the bad, the good, the woeful and indifferent! All colours, creed and race – we all have our place; we make up the world. Now, there is somewhere out there specially waiting for you. It is a place in the world where you will be happy. Look for it, Dinah. Look hard and you will find it. You are a very beautiful woman, a man would give his eye teeth for you, but he has to be special. Someone who will see and bring the best out in you. I found him, but …’ I took in a deep breath, shaking my head, feeling a determination to send flying any thoughts of ever again entertaining that bleedin madness.

  Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. ‘Who, Martha? Who is it? Wha happened?’ she said, knowing I have always been alone, never even showed an interest in a man until Sergei.

  I shook my head and smiled. ‘Forget I said it, Dinah. It is something that is now in the far distant past. I know where I’m heading now and so will you.’

  ‘Do ye really think so, Martha? Do ye really think I could ever meet someone again?’ she said, looking at me, not really believing it but wanting to.

  ‘Of course you will! Think about it, Dinah. Some people go through partners like a dose of salts before they meet the right one. Ask any woman how many times she has been in love. Oh, Jesus! Nearly every fella I went out with, they will tell you. Now you only lost one! Mind you, he sounded like a real good one. But, Jesus Christ, you were only getting started. What the hell! That fella wasn’t meant for you. He was only a taste of what’s to come. The world is full of good fellas, Dinah. Honestly, with your looks and your health getting better all the time – well, your fella is out there still waiting for you. Just believe that, Dinah, then it will happen. Now, keep smiling, darling. The world loves a smiler! OK, pet?’

  ‘Yeah, thanks, Martha. It’s great havin ye around,’ she smiled, letting the life come into her eyes.

  I stared at her for a minute, seeing her face relax, and her eyes looked at me like she was thinking maybe there is something after all, out there for her. I winked, looking at her, saying, ‘It’s all ahead of you, kid! Just take it nice and easy.

  ‘Right! I think we should go down and see how Jackser is. What do you think, Dinah? Look, the visitors are starting to come in,’ I said, seeing a man coming down the corridor. He was carrying a big bag in one hand and gripping a bundle under the free arm, with the hand trying to hold onto a bunch of flowers. ‘Let’s go down now. We can leave Gerry with his television. Gerry! We’re just going down to the ward to see Jackser. You can stay there and watch the television. Will you be all right?’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, Martha,’ he said, giving me a quick look with a nod, then the head was whipped back to the goggle box, looking worried he might miss something.

  Just as we were walking down to see Jackser the two nurses arrived. ‘Ready?’ they said, looking at Dinah.

  ‘Yeah, I’m just goin in te say goodbye te me da.’

  ‘Give her a few minutes,’ I smiled. ‘Gerry is down in the waiting room watching the television.’

  The other nurse took off and your man hesitated, looking at me, wanting to say something. Then he looked at his watch and said, ‘OK! We better leave or we’ll be shot. It’s nearly seven-thirty.’

  ‘Is it? Good God! The day has flown! OK, I’ll tell her to get ready,’ I said, rushing in the ward after Dinah.

  ‘How is he?’ I whispered, looking over to the bed as I moved closer. I stared down at him, seeing he looked a lot greyer now. His breathing was worse and it was coming very fast and loud. He really is struggling, I thought, seeing the sweat rolling off his chin and streaming down his neck. No, it’s only a matter of time, I thought. He’s not going to last much longer.

  ‘He’s after gettin worse, Martha. Look at him,’ she gasped, staring at him in shock.

  I said nothing, just stood beside her, barely nodding and taking in how bad he looked.

  ‘Come on, lean over and tell him you’re going, Dinah. The nurses are on their way back. It’s half-seven,’ I smiled. ‘We got away with murder!’

  ‘Yeah,’ she whispered, keeping her eyes fastened on Jackser. ‘He’s me da,’ she said, looking away and letting her eyes rest on me.

  ‘I know, Dinah. You love him as much as I love the ma. So there’s a pair of us in it.’

  She gave a little laugh, understanding without me saying a word. She knew exactly what I meant. Somebody doesn’t have to be loveable to love them; blood is thicker than water.

  ‘Are we ready?’ the male nurse said, b
uttoning up his coat and jerking his shoulders, trying to get the coat to settle more comfortably on him.

  ‘OK, bye, Martha. We had a lovely day, didn’t we? I really enjoyed it. It was great tha we met, wasn’t it, Martha?’ she said, moving towards the nurses.

  ‘Yeah, it was smashing having the day together like that. Bye, Dinah. Give us a hug. Now mind yourself,’ I said, letting go of her and making a grab for Gerry. He was holding on to the bag with what was left of the stuff.

  ‘Bye, Martha. Thanks for all the stuff,’ he said, waving the bag at me, holding it in the air.

  ‘No, think nothing of it, Gerry! It’s thanks to you, too. I really enjoyed meself being with you and Dinah. Go on, you better go. The nurses are going without you!’ I said, pointing after them rushing to grab the lift.

  ‘Bye!’ Gerry shouted, and Dinah gave a little wave, watching me as I stood watching them standing in the lift between the two nurses. The two of them looked like orphans being taken home by a couple of minders after a day’s outing, I didn’t see the grown man and woman; I saw only the image of how they were inside. I watched as Gerry gave a nervous look at the two nurses then shuffled closer to Dinah. She looked, seeing the sudden movement, and turned her head suspiciously, taking in the two nurses. They were now looking very authoritative as they straightened themselves, hemming in their charges. She said nothing, just protectively moved Gerry closer, wanting him to know he was OK – she was there. Then I saw it: a lonely brother and sister taking comfort with each other in their abandonment. It happened because they were out of step. They didn’t march to the same tune the rest of the world played, so they were kicked to the side and the world moved on. What’s to do with them, so? Lock them up, says the world.

  I watched as the doors closed, then stood staring at the spot where they had been. Then I turned away, carrying the dead weight in my heart. It was heavy from the terrible feeling of sadness that sat in the pit of my belly. I wearily walked back in to Jackser, wanting to keep watch over him, because deep in my soul there is a pain of emptiness. I have carried it too long. Now the time has come. I need to find the missing bits of myself. So much of me was taken – stolen. So much was never given back. Jackser will hold the answer. I will find it with him. He is the link to my past and the link that joined my brothers and sisters to me. So I knew coming back like this would not be easy. It’s not. I am running the gauntlet of all the troubles he caused, the lives he crucified, the wreckage of human debris he now leaves scattered behind in his wake. Yes, but I am compelled to stay. I must keep the death watch with him.

  14

  I heard the sounds of crashing trolleys, footsteps and toilets flushing, doors banging and all before I even opened my eyes. I lay still, listening with my arms wrapped on the side of Jackser’s bed and my head resting over them. I opened one eye first, then the other. It’s morning already? But I got no sleep! Oh, well, time waits for no one. The hospital is now on the march.

  Jaysus, what a night. I sat up through most of it then into the early hours. I must have collapsed only hours after the first light hit the window and the birds woke up. What time was that? About half-six, I think.

  I lifted my head, looking to see how Jackser was. Gawd, we had a bad night. I thought he was a goner. Me eyes lit on him. Ah! He rallied. He’s still with us. Good old Jackser – keep them on their toes.

  We had to get the doctor. He came rushing in here with the eyes wide, scratching the head, not knowing where he was. Then he stumbled over to you, banging into chairs, not waking himself, but he made enough noise to wake the dead and bring the whole ward to life. Jaysus, they were all up with the lights on and the head looking around, asking, ‘Is it time for breakfast?’

  It didn’t wake the doctor, though. He was on autopilot. He went straight into action with a syringe, but I got very worried when he asked me to roll up my sleeve.

  ‘Not me; him!’ I said, pointing at Jackser screaming in the bed for the want of air. Jaysus, that poor doctor was like an aul workhorse. Keep them going till they drop. I must remember to discourage the kids from ever going anywhere near the idea of becoming a doctor. The poor doctors are like indentured slaves. No wonder you need a mortgage just to see them when they make it up the ladder. Only then do they reach the top, finally becoming a consultant!

  Gawd, Jackser, I just heard your voice grumbling, ‘Never mind, make the fuckers work!’ I could hear it so plainly inside my mind, I wonder, are we wired into the same wavelength? Telepathic? With me picking up your thoughts. How fanciful an idea is that? But as they say: ‘There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamed about in your philosophy.’ It’s that or I’m now getting delusional from lack of sleep.

  I yawned, taking a huge long stretch, trying to straighten out my bent frame. ‘Listen, Jackser! There is something I want to say to you,’ I whispered, pulling around the curtain then sitting down and leaning close into him. ‘You knew as soon as you clapped eyes on me swooping into this room I was here on a victory roll. I had come back to beat the drums and watch you on your knees. Now I would act as judge and jury, then throw you to hell. I would sit here mocking and torturing you, taking vengeance for condemning my childhood and that of the others into a living nightmare of never-ending horror. I dreamed about this day, Jackser. It kept me going when I was small. I prayed for it. I bargained and made deals with God! But, Jaysus, he had other ideas for you. You managed to make it. Keep going right into old age! The ma used to say you will go on for ever, because only the good die young! She got that right, didn’t she, Jackser?!

  ‘But you know something? My big moment has come and gone. It’s not so easy to take vengeance. Since I have sat here with you through your long torturous days and even longer nights, watching you suffer, something has happened to me. Something has shifted in me. It has come right from the core of me, deep down in my soul. I am a woman sitting here now, and I feel as a woman I am getting close to knowing the man you are. I can sense your soul, see who you really are behind the madness. I sense you through Charlie. What did you give him that brought out the goodness for him to sit through the night calmly watching over you without bitterness? I sense you through your daughter Dinah. You caused her a lot of pain but she now cries for your pain. What did you give her that caused that kind of sorrow at your suffering?

  ‘What did you give that causes something deep in me to reach out and try to ease your passing? I realise now I can’t judge you because we do not carry the same demons. I have been blessed with the power to control mine. But you, Jackser, you were given a terrible affliction. It stopped you ever being able to find the path out of a dark and terrible childhood you had to endure. I sense all this in you, Jackser. It is coming to me now as we both travel together through these dark days and nights, with each of us having to face our own demons. But we are not alone. I am with you and I sense you are with me. I am sorry for what you’re going through, Jackser. This is life at its most cruel. I wouldn’t wish this on the devil himself. But, do you know? I can sense you and me going back down through all the years. I can hear an echo of your voice from long ago, saying, “I wasn’t all bad.”

  ‘Do you know, a picture came flashing into my head just as I heard those words … or sensed them. You did show me mercy, a kindness when I was suffering. So I feel you should know this. No, Jackser, you were not all bad.

  ‘Do you remember that time when you said to the ma, “Missus! Would you ever get up offa yer fuckin arse an take tha young one te the doctor?” Remember that, Jackser? I was whispering, whining to the ma with the pain, wanting her to do something because my head was eaten alive with lice. Buckets of them crawled around in my badly infected head, tearing through the scabs. It was that bad my head was bleeding and oozing with yellow pus. So, between me scratching to get at them and the yellow pus and blood oozing outa them … Well, even the lice was complaining. They were nearly looking for wellington boots to keep their feet dry. They were bleedin swimming in the stuff, Jackse
r. But the ma was ignoring me, so I kept on about it. Then she lost the rag. “Leave me alone or I’ll tell him!” she moaned, looking over at you, making sure you heard her!

  ‘Jaysus, Jackser! I started rattling, thinking you were going to annihilate me. But you didn’t. No, you stuck up for me, and the ma had to shift herself. “She’s your young one! Now get fuckin movin, Missus!” So she ended up having to rattle herself out and take me to the doctor. If I had been left to the ma, she would have left my head to rot.

  ‘So, thanks for that, Jackser! Thanks for the memory. That little kindness has gone a long way. You see, now, it stayed in my memory, Jackser. I never did forget it. So, one good turn deserves another. I am making sure you get the best care they can give you here. This is what? How long am I here now with you, Jackser? Five days. God, it’s been gruelling, so what must it be like for you, having to go through this agony?

  ‘Right,’ I sighed, stirring to move myself. ‘Listen, Jackser, I better get moving. I need to throw a drop of cold water on my face. Oh, do you know what, Jackser? My eyes are scorched in the back of me head, I wish I could take me eyeballs out and drop them into a cup of stone-cold water just to cool them. It’s the tiredness, Jackser. Still, it’s nothing compared to what you are going through. I hope you can hear me, Jackser. Because I don’t want you to go on suffering. I wish there was a way to bring you a bit more comfort. But all I can do is hold your hand and chat to you in the hope that somewhere inside you, you hear me and know I care. Now, I’m off for a few minutes. Just hang on, Jackser. I’ll be back soon.’