Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  I heard the little voice whispering to me. I let her come. ‘Martha! Don’t be afraid a me. I don’t want te hurt ye,’ she whispered, staring at me with the blue eyes looking up at me. They looked so hopeful, yet guarded – ready in case I might lash out.

  A lot of pain went into making that look, I thought, staring very intensely at her. She was wary, watching back quietly as I stared, taking in the scruffy little thing standing small and helpless just above the floor. I looked down at her little bare feet, black with the dirt. They were covered in bruises from running on the sharp stones and hard ground. Her little matchstick legs, they were covered in purple zigzag bruises. The buckle of Jackser’s leather belt, I thought, getting a remembering flash of that lashing.

  ‘Can I stay wit ye? Will ye let me stay wit ye fer a bit?’ she whispered in a soft voice, letting it rise and end in a high-pitched squeak. ‘Just te keep ye company,’ she coaxed when I didn’t answer her. ‘I don’t want ye te make me all dead inside ye. It’s not gettin us nowhere!’ she keened, now starting to complain.

  ‘I’m tired,’ I breathed, not able to face up to her.

  ‘Yeah, I know! It’s him, tha Jackser fella! He’s always causin trouble,’ she warned, waving her hand down the passage.

  I sighed, looking at her, saying nothing.

  ‘He hurt me somethin terrible, tha bandy aul fella did! Now he’s all dyin an nobody’s happy!’

  I just stared at her, half trying to think about that, but it was too much effort, so I said nothing.

  She sat down beside me on the chair, mooching herself up closer, then rested her chin on her fist, letting it sit on her knee, waving her scruffy little matchstick leg. I looked down at it, letting out a snort, wishing she would stop doing that. She gave a shifty look up with one eye, letting the other take in the swinging, and stopped, then thought about it and started flying the toes, heaving in a huge heavy breath.

  ‘He’s takin an awful long time te die, isn’t he, Martha?’ she suddenly erupted on a long squealing moan, shattering the bit of peace trying to creep around. Then she dropped the head sideways, shaking it, letting the mouth tighten, clamping it shut with a snort, then stared at me. ‘I dunno!’ she puffed, the lips flapping, the eyes blinking hard, then slowly turned, throwing an evil eye down in Jackser’s direction, a look of pure disgust curling up the nose.

  I turned my head, sighing at her, then looked down at the floor, staring at nothing. She stared at me, looking me up and down with the brain ticking, then let out a little squeak of annoyance.

  ‘Here we go,’ I sighed, lowering the head to rest on my elbow.

  ‘I don’t want te start a row or nothin like tha. But ye took yer time … Lookit the size a ye now! Tha’s how long I … me … had te wait meself,’ she snorted, stabbing herself in the chest, wanting to start a row.

  I slowly shook my head. ‘Don’t start, little one. I’m not in the mood,’ I said, warning in a deadly quiet voice.

  ‘No, I’m only lettin ye know! I don’t mean te annoy ye!’ she breathed, quick as a flash, leaning in with her little grey-white face, trying to placate me.

  ‘Just sit there, let me be in peace,’ I said, snapping at her.

  ‘Yeah, OK then, we’ll just sit an be easy,’ she said, nodding the head, giving me a quick smile, showing a row of little white teeth, then dropped her head, looking at the floor.

  The silence hung heavy in the stuffy, overheated room. All I could hear was her heavy breathing, sighs, sniffs and the little brain ticking. Then she started to click the tongue, waving and wagging it. I was just about to turn on her when she landed a little grubby paw on my lap, roaring to distract me.

  ‘Jaysus, oh ma! This place would put years on ye! Wouldn’t it?’ she sighed and sniffed, slowly throwing the head around, sounding like a crabby little aul one fed up with all her living.

  I felt a laugh trying to ease into me. ‘Jaysus, you’re worse than a little aul granny,’ I muttered, shaking me head down at her.

  ‘Well! Me ma was right – only the good die young. The bad’s left te torment the rest of us!’ she sniffed, now looking the picture of the ma.

  ‘I’m going to go mad,’ I keened, wanting to cry with frustration. ‘I’m exhausted. Why can’t I go home? I feel rooted and trapped inside this place.’

  ‘Ah, don’t be worryin yerself!’ she panted, getting worried I would bail out. ‘Listen te me,’ she whispered, leaning in with the head like an old woman, giving me the eye. ‘Won’t be long now,’ she tapped, drumming her fingers on my hand, ‘till the waitin’ll be over!’ she whispered, but it all came out in a high-pitched squeak, then she gave me a quick look before turning away nodding, satisfied with her sound advice.

  I gave a little nod, agreeing. That mistake got her going.

  ‘Then wha will happen te me? Will I be still stuck? Left wanderin them streets wit nowhere te go an nobody te mind me? You don’t! Ye left me deaded inside ye – ran off an left me, the cheek a ye!’ she roared, snarling at me, looking like a kitten instead of something fierce, hoping to get the better of me.

  ‘I got,’ she pointed stabbing herself, ‘left behind so you can have yer great life! I only got back now cos ye let me!’ she snorted. ‘I’m very annoyed wit you. Ye’re always tellin lies about me.’

  ‘What? How?’ I said.

  ‘Oh, go on, ye’re ashamed a me! Ye tell a pack a lies about me. Ye pretend I’m someone very fancy, whoever ye do be talkin about, but it’s not me. Oh, yeah, I hear ye!’ she warned, shaking the head, giving me a dirty look.

  I stared at her, seeing the scruffy little scrap that you would blow away if a puff of wind hit her. But the eyes sparked like flints and the scrawny body was rigid with fight – it was like she has iron running through her soul. She dropped her shoulders, giving me the eye, getting worried now she might have pushed too far, and took in a breath, letting the hands rest in her lap.

  ‘I heard ye talkin about me te Jackser! I was listenin,’ she said, nodding her head and drawing her lips in now, looking like she was a gummy old woman. ‘But you couldn’t see the all a me, only bits! Tha’s wha ye wanted. Wha am I goin te do when Jackser dies?’ she suddenly whispered to herself, now staring into the distance with the light fading out of her eyes, then the little face collapsed. ‘He’s goin te go an you’ll bury me wit him, then forget, an I’ll be lost, just left te wander always stuck wit Jackser! It will go on till the day you die an only then can I take me ease, cos you can’t take the pain a me. But I’m still here an it’s painin me terrible. Yeah,’ she said quietly, staring into a black hole. She had nothing behind and could see nothing ahead, not even a glimmer of hope. I was her every chance, but she knows in her heart I was her executioner. I dammed her to hell; she never grew to become a part of me.

  I felt the heavy dread of her as I stared listening. It was like I was afraid to die and even more afraid to live. Sweet Jesus! This is what it is to be her.

  She gave a little nod, whispering, ‘Tha’s right, but ye don’t remember bein me,’ she said quietly, shaking her head. ‘Jackser does be after me night an day. He’s always shoutin an killin people … me! “Here you! Get movin, get this message an don’t be there till ye’re back,” he roars at me. I do be runnin fer me life down through them dark alleyways wit me heart in me mouth, yeah, cos I’m afraid a me life the bogey man’ll catch me! Then I have te watch meself fer the rats. Many’s the time I leap outa me skin jumpin te fly over them! Yeah!’ she panted, with the eyes leppin out of her head. ‘They do be runnin under yer feet, an mebbe even wantin te bite the face offa me an suck me blood, takin lumps outa me!’ she squealed, then paused to stare at me, making sure I got the picture.

  I did! Listening to her, seeing the mouth wide open, stabbing every word, she was tearing it out of herself slowly, one breath at a time, I sat mesmerised. I followed what she was saying with my mouth open, face curling and the eyeballs hanging down, with me nodding the head, getting every picture. ‘Go on,’ I said, ‘tell us!’r />
  ‘An tha bogey man! He could jump out at ye when he’s hidin himself in the dark corners!’ she warned, looking at me with the eyes on stalks. ‘It makes ye do shiver! I don’t like tha at all,’ she whispered, shaking the head thinking about it. ‘An did ye know wha else?’ she squealed, looking at me with the mouth stuck under the nose, looking disgusted now. ‘It does smells somethin terrible shockin!’ she breathed, snapping the head on that word. ‘Once I did fly through somethin all squelchy! Then when I stopped te get a look, oh, ma! I discovered someone had just had a good shit! They had done an gone te the tilet, Martha! Righ over the spot I just run! Isn’t tha terrible?’

  I nodded, breathing and shutting my mouth with her, getting the smell she was getting now.

  ‘Yeah, then for more shortcuts I do run over waste ground. But tha can do ye harm! Cos I keep gettin me feet cut on all a the broken glass an bricks tha tumbled down. Tha’s from the aul tenements tha had fallen, or someone pulled down. So tha’s no good if ye got bare feet, cos ye have te slow down! But then I’m off again, flyin like the wind, runnin on the aul cobblestones, only them’s very treacherous too, ye know, Martha!’

  I nodded like mad, listening intently. She nodded, looking very satisfied she had my attention.

  ‘Oh, yeah. Ye can break yer neck on them when they do be shiny an all wet wit the damp. I don’t like tha neither! Cos then once I did fall on the back a me skull! I lay swimming, seein stars, cos I couldn’t get up!’

  ‘Poor you!’ I said sadly.

  ‘Yeah, an ye can hit yer big toe as well! Then I have te limp wit me toe stuck in the air. People does be laughin, but I’m not! I do feel the pain, ye know! Yeah, but I do feel pain somethin worse than tha be times. It can hurt somethin terrible!’ she said quietly, letting her voice drop, going very still as she sat staring into the distance.

  I could feel it hitting me too – a picture of Jackser moving in for the kill – it suddenly made me shudder. I wanted to get away from the little one. But I couldn’t move. I was frozen solid with the overwhelming pain of her. I just sat staring and listening, letting her take me down, dragging me all the way back, wanting to share her world of hell.

  ‘But it’s worse when I’m not runnin fer messages, cos then I’m stuck in the room listenin te the ma moanin an tha Jackser fella roarin the head offa himself, an mebbe hurt me ma or go fer me. Or then other times I do be roamin the streets lookin fer somethin I lost. I don’t know wha I’m lookin for! But I do be tormented searchin. An worse than tha is, nobody can see me! They can’t hear me cryin. I do look inta the faces a all the people passin, wantin te see if they know, but they don’t, so I have te keep goin. Then I’m lost, cos I can’t find me ma no more! The fear erupts in me then an I go faster, runnin like mad, but I’m not gettin back te her! I’m rushin past all the streets, but I’m still not gettin home! Me heart does break, Martha! Cos then I’m out in the dark an cold, wit the wind blowin up me an the Banshee screamin at me from knocked-down buildins, an she’s keenin outa the dark hallways wit the doors thrun open a the old tenements. I can hear her cryin! Oh, me heart does be crossways in me, Martha.

  ‘Then one time I found me babby brother Charlie! An do ye know wha, Martha?’ she said, leaning into me with the face raging and her mouth dropping, creasing the little eyebrows.

  ‘No, wha? Tell us!’ I said, forgetting meself and imitating her.

  ‘He was all on his own! Yeah,’ she said, nodding her head like mad. ‘Sittin in the damp, cold ground, lookin around him he was, an it the middle a the night! Me ma must a left him, an he only a babby! He must a been lookin an waitin for her te come back fer him! Then he started roarin an screamin when he sawed me! He put his arms out for me te pick him up, so I sat down wit him on the cold ground an got him sittin on me lap. Then I heard you – yer voice – in me head. Tha happened the night you an Charlie was sittin wit Jackser! Me an me babby brother was lookin at youse, an the babby was starin up at big Charlie. He was tryin te make out who tha was. His eyes was starin outa his head. But do ye know wha I knew just tha very minute? It was fer you I was lookin all tha time. I knowed tha soon as I seen ye! Yeah, all tha time I was lookin an waitin fer you te come back for me, an I didn’t even know tha! No, I just knowed I’m lost an I have te keep lookin, cos ye didn’t let me live inside ye!

  ‘Am I dead, Martha? Am I a ghost? How come you is all growed up an I’m not, Martha?’ she said, with the eyes staring, the mouth open, and the tongue flying from cheek to cheek, trying to figure it out.

  I sighed heavily, not wanting to go into this. Then suddenly I took my annoyance out on her. I wanted to lash back for all her pain, now I was steeped in it too.

  ‘Because you were dead to me,’ I said viciously, showing an inhuman streak of cruelty.

  ‘Oh, yeah. So I must be a ghost,’ she said, dropping the mouth and staring, then nodding the head, deciding that was the answer.

  The pain knifed through me, seeing her innocence and complete trust in me. Gobshite Martha, hurt her and you hurt yourself! Was she not hurt enough?

  We stared at each other, her letting her breath slow down, taking me in, reading me, searching down through the core of me looking for answers. Suddenly she exploded. ‘Here! Sure, you’re not much better! You’re empty without me, cos we’re only two halves! We’re separate,’ she snorted, flying back at me with a dig of her own. ‘He did tha! Him down there. I can’t do nothin, ye’re only lettin me in now because yer wantin me back! But the way you’re goin we’ll be stuck fer ever! I can see it wit me senses – any minute ye might just go, walk away an leave me fer ever. Are ye not listenin te wha’s happenin te me an Jackser! Ye have te stay an face us. He’s tryin te talk te you through be talkin te me. I can see inside him an hear the tormentin an roarin in his head. It hurts him somethin terrible it does, then tha makes him go ragin! I can see the different ways he has. I sawed him when he was little. They kilt him, they did! He was afraid a his life a them men, so he was, Martha! It was terrible, but then ye see he got te be just like them.’

  ‘What do you mean, little one? I mean … how did you see that? He showed you?’

  She stared at me with the eyebrows creasing and the eyes pinned on me, looking like she was wondering how I couldn’t know that.

  ‘It was when you an big Charlie was here. Tha night wit Jackser when youse was sittin at his bed. We was listenin cos youse were lettin us come te ye, but not really! Cos ye didn’t let me talk te ye … I already told ye this a minute ago,’ she snapped, getting impatient thinking I wasn’t listening right.

  ‘I sawed tha Jackser was old, real old, an I wouldn’t a known him only I knew it was him. I kept starin at him an so did Charlie, then he gorra fright an started shoutin cryin, an took off fast, crawlin te make his gerraway! I let him rush off, tearin fer his life te find me ma, an I turned back te Jackser. He wanted me wit him so he could talk. Then we were watchin a little young fella like meself, he was standin wit short woolly trousers down past his knees an big black cobnail boots wit socks hangin over them. He was shakin wit fright an lookin up at a man wearin a long habit wit a belt wrapped aroun it an a big leather whip in his hand. Then I sawed the young fella was Jackser! He was goin te get kilt! The priest was tearin him aroun the head an legs an anywhere he could get in wit a lash a the whip. It had loads a little bits a leather on it. Jackser was screamin an tryin his best te gerraway. But the man grabbed him be the neck an hauled him inta the air an shook him!

  ‘I heard old Jackser whisper beside me, “I’m sorry for all the hurt I gave ye’s! It was them taught me tha was the right thing te be doin, they told me it was fer me own good. I didn’t know any better. I should never a harmed ye!” Then suddenly I could hear roarin an ragin voices comin te do harm! Then it was more an more a them! All shoutin an more voices screamin, then whisperin underneath them big roarin voices. They kept at it, all talkin together an very fast! I started screamin cos I could see in the middle a them Jackser holdin his head. He was tryin te stop them drivin
him mad. It was makin him ragin! He was wantin te kill them, lash out an kill someone, just make them stop! But they wouldn’t. They kept pointin an laughin, shoutin an tellin him they were goin te get him an he was goin te die. I started te run, wantin te get away fer me life, then I heard Jackser say, “No! No, don’t run, let me take ye!” An suddenly it was all quiet. We were gone from it, from the roars an the fright an the child gettin kilt, an the cold an dark hidin all them monsters!

  ‘Now I was runnin through a big field an it was very bright. Jackser was laughin an runnin behind tryin te catch me, an the sun was shinin. I could feel the lovely heat of it on me face an I started laughin too, cos it had chased away the dark an all the bad people, leavin them behind in the other places. “Sit down beside me an make yerself a daisy chain,” he said, smilin contentedly, lookin around an pointin at all the little flowers in the grass. “Wha? But I don’t know how ye do tha, Jackser!” I said, shakin me head an makin a grab, pickin a big bunch for meself. “Tha should be easy,” he said, grabbin hold a my stuff then givin a big snuffle while he sorted them out in lengths, studyin them.

  ‘“This is how it should a been, this picture now! But I never had it in me te make somethin a me life. My dream was a family. I had the idea te work hard an spread a bit a happiness wit a woman at me side. Oh, yeah, tha more than anythin. But nothin turns out the way ye think,” he said, shakin his head, lookin like he lost out somethin terrible. “I never thought I would be such a bad bastard. Oh, may the good Jesus forgive me,” he said, closin his eyes like he was goin te cry. “I destroyed meself an everyone aroun me! Tha night I met yer mammy, I shoulda did her a good turn an kept walkin. Youse couldn’t a been any worse than the way I left ye’s,” he said, shakin his head an breathin hard, with his mouth gripped shut.