Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  ‘These are lovely,’ I said to the ma, seeing the two of us staring at the different designs in the cheapest coffins.

  ‘I like tha one,’ me ma said, going for a carving with the head of Christ and the crown of thorns around his bloody and bleeding head.

  ‘Yeah. It’s very manly looking,’ I said, thinking it would suit Jackser grand. He crucified everyone around him – but then, he was crucified himself. ‘So, what do you think, Ma?’ I said quietly.

  ‘Yeah, we’ll get tha one, Martha,’ she said happily, feeling good she was doing something for Jackser. My heart bled for her.

  ‘Yeah, that’s the one we’ll take,’ I said, turning and looking at Blue-eyes. He was waiting discreetly over by his desk; he nodded agreement.

  ‘Yes,’ he murmured, ‘that is very nice, a good choice,’ he said, looking gently at the ma. She smiled happily. ‘Now, what about a shroud?’ he said. ‘We do have a choice. They come in two colours,’ he said, making his way calmly over to a row of shiny mahogany drawers and opening one of them.

  He gently lifted a white shroud and let it drop, showing a cross on the front. ‘Or you can have a choice of blue,’ he said, whipping open the next drawer.

  We stared at it. ‘I like the blue one, Martha,’ me ma said, after peeling her eyes from one to the other, then making up her mind.

  ‘Grand! We’ll take that, the blue one,’ I said, pointing, making sure he knew which one.

  ‘Very well,’ he said. ‘Now, if we may just come and sit down again.’

  We followed and sat, with the ma coming alive now, beginning to look more and more happy. Then somewhere deep inside me a little voice whispered, ‘Yeah, we’re shoppin te make Jackser lovely before we plant him!’

  ‘What about the newspapers, the death column? We can have the announcements in all the English and American papers, as well as our own at home. It helps with notifying relatives,’ he said, waiting patiently while I took three seconds to make me own mind up on this one.

  ‘No, eh, that won’t be necessary,’ I said.

  ‘No announcements in the death column,’ he mumbled, looking at his list, then he said, not marking that in our sheet but looking up to confirm, ‘No?’

  ‘No,’ I said, wanting to keep down the cost.

  ‘Now, what about flowers? We have, oh, so many to choo—’

  ‘No! I don’t think we need flowers,’ I said, looking at the ma, seeing her face dropping at the loss of a big send-off for Jackser. ‘The cost, Ma,’ I whispered. Then looked up at Blue-eyes, saying, ‘Well, maybe one then, saying “DAD”. Will that be OK, Ma?’ I said, seeing her eyes light up.

  ‘Yeah, yes! That will be lovely,’ she said, giving me a smile with her eyes lit up.

  ‘Grand!’ I said, giving the big go-ahead with a long bow of me head, making that definite.

  ‘Flowers, “Dad”,’ he wrote, muttering it to himself as he filled in our sheet that looked like it could grow longer.

  ‘Now, what about memoriam cards?’ he said.

  ‘No! We don’t need those,’ I said, looking out the corner of me eye, seeing the ma shift.

  ‘De ye not think, Martha, it would be lovely te have the memory a him?’ she said.

  ‘Oh,’ he interrupted, helping out the ma, ‘we can add his photograph to the cards,’ he said, looking very helpful at the ma.

  She nodded, smiled and agreed with him.

  Then I thought about this. ‘Ma!’ I said. ‘I’ll bring the camera and we can get a photograph of him.’ Thinking that would be a good idea, the ma would like that.

  ‘I mean when he was alive!’ she shouted, getting very annoyed suddenly.

  ‘But, sure, Ma, what photographs have you got of Jackser?’ I said. ‘The only one we’re going to get now is of him lying in his lovely coffin. It will make a beautiful photograph.’

  ‘Jesus!’ the ma said, putting her hand on her chest and looking away, then looking back at me like I had two heads.

  ‘Sorry. I’m sorry, Ma. It’s just I know someone who did that,’ I explained to the horrified-looking Blue-eyes, staring at me with concern on his face. I could see now that had been incredibly insensitive. ‘Yes, a friend of mine, he was Continental,’ I said, trying to explain. ‘His wife, the mother of his three young children, died. He took photographs of her on her deathbed. It looked quite haunting but very beautiful. The Victorians used to do it. It was quite common,’ I said, realising Jackser wasn’t young and beautiful! It wouldn’t look the same. I was afraid Blue-eyes would think me mad and bad, not to mention the sudden worry of giving the ma nightmares.

  He listened, nodding his head, seeing where I was coming from. ‘But you’re right, Ma. Forget I said that,’ I said, wrapping my arm around her. ‘No,’ I shook me head at him. ‘We don’t need them, thanks.’

  ‘OK, one final thing – you will have to pay to have the grave reopened,’ he said, looking from me to the ma.

  ‘What? But we own that grave. It’s a family plot. It takes five family members.’

  ‘Yes, but you still have to pay,’ he said. ‘It is not cheap. The cost will be several hundred pounds. I can give you the exact price when I have first checked with the cemetery. But I will let you know tomorrow. May I take your phone number?’

  ‘Yes.’ I gave him mine, then he took down the ma’s phone number.

  ‘Oh, hang on, Ma!’ I said, looking at Blue-eyes. ‘Will you please give me a note of my mother’s phone number? It’s a new number,’ I said, ‘so I don’t have it yet.’

  He handed it to me and I folded it up, putting it in the pocket of my light beige jacket.

  ‘Now, what about the cars? How many do you intend to cater for?’

  ‘Well,’ I said, looking at the ma. ‘It’s only immediate family. There’s yourself and Dinah and Gerry. Oh! We need to go and see them, Ma, let them know!’

  ‘Yes, I wanted te ask ye about tha. We will need te go an see them,’ she said, nodding her head, looking very serious.

  ‘Yeah! We’ll do that right away,’ I said, looking back to him, then at the ma. ‘So, how many people altogether, Ma? There’s you, those two and Sally, and, oh, Charlie! Did he call up to see you, Ma?’

  ‘No,’ she said, shaking her head.

  ‘Right! I’m going to have to track him down. Let’s hope he is where I think he might be. I can take him in my car, Ma,’ I said. ‘So that will be four family members,’ I said, seeing him write it on the sheet. ‘How many do the cars hold?’ I asked.

  ‘Well, we have from three persons to seven.’

  ‘How much is the three-person one?’

  ‘Ninety pounds.’

  ‘That’s expensive, Ma. We’ll go for the three. I can take Sally in my car.’

  ‘Well, her fella should take her, he has a car,’ me ma said.

  ‘Yes, so, it seems we have covered everything,’ he said, looking at his list. ‘Now, removal from the hospital morgue will be tomorrow at four-thirty, and we will be there some time ahead. That is to prepare your husband. Then when you arrive at, say, two o’clock in the afternoon, he will be laid out, at rest. In order that those wishing to pay their last respects may view him in the open coffin. Then we will proceed to the church, where he will repose overnight. We have the times for the Mass, so that is good. Then immediately following the funeral Mass, we will drive on to the cemetery for the burial. Will that be all OK?’ he said, looking from the ma to me.

  ‘Yes, thank you very much, that seems to be everything,’ I said, then stopping to think. Is there something I should be asking him? What else do I need to find out from him while I’m still here?

  ‘Oh, yeah! Now, when can you let me know the cost?’ I said.

  ‘Yes, I can give you a price this evening. I will phone you later. What would be a good time for you?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said, not wanting to take any chance I might not make it home in time.

  ‘I can phone you tomorrow if you like?’ he said, fixing me with his ‘Tony Curt
is’ eyes.

  ‘Look, I will give you a call in the morning,’ I said, thinking that was best. ‘Or phone you this evening if I get home on time.’

  ‘No problem,’ he said, then we got up to leave.

  The ma was very happy as he led us to the door, opening it for us. ‘Thanks very much,’ me ma said.

  ‘Yes, it’s a great relief to have that all sorted,’ I said, turning to the ma as we made our way to the car. ‘Right, Ma. Are you happy with all that?’ I said, looking at her, seeing her very contented. Her eyes were thinking as her face smiled.

  ‘Yeah! Tha’s grand, isn’t it, Martha? Now, wha about Dinah an Gerry? Will we go an see them?’

  ‘Yeah, of course we will. We need to talk to them. Get in, Ma. Let’s head off while the traffic is still light,’ I said, seeing the time pushing on. ‘We don’t want to lose the rest of the day sitting in heavy traffic.’

  21

  ‘Listen, Ma,’ I said, seeing we were heading into the grounds of the old hospital. ‘What about the idea of you taking Dinah home to live with you for good? You can even take Gerry home at the weekends.’

  ‘Wha? Do ye think that’s a good idea, Martha? She can get very aggravated, ye know! She could go fer me an I’d be afraid a me life!’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, thinking, getting the picture of her in the hospital when she came to see Jackser. But she was terribly upset. It must have come as a shock to her seeing her father sick when nothing like that had ever happened to him before. But once they left her space and didn’t make her feel threatened, she was grand!

  ‘Listen, Ma, I was thinking. She has been in this hospital now for a few years. She’s on medication. I’m sure now she must be nothing like she was. What would you think? Why don’t you talk to her doctor? Tell him you are thinking of taking her home for good. She would be great company for you. It’s what she lives for now, Ma,’ I said, looking at her as I switched off the engine. ‘She told me that, Ma. She’s desperate to come home and live with you. I think it would work out. You would have your family around you again, with Dinah living with you all the time then Gerry to look forward to at the weekends. He’s no trouble, Ma. The hospital would look after him with his medication. They would even do it for Dinah. You wouldn’t be left stranded with her on your own. Why don’t you think about it?’

  ‘Yeah, I might just do tha,’ me ma said slowly, letting her eyes blink and chewing the inside of her mouth, thinking like mad.

  I sat on the side of Dinah’s bed, while the ma sat on a chair, with the pair of us watching Dinah, seeing her wiping her red-raw eyes and nose. She was dabbing at her face with a big wad of tissues. She took them from the box the nurses left sitting beside her on the bedside locker. I looked around the ward, seeing about eight beds. They were all empty, so the patients must be up and dressed. But Dinah was obviously on bed rest, seeing the trauma she was going through at the minute.

  ‘Listen, Dinah, I won’t be long. I just want to check something,’ I said, getting up slowly and heading for the door.

  ‘Where are ye goin, Martha?’ me ma called after me.

  ‘I’ll be back in a minute, Ma. I won’t be long,’ I said, heading down for the doctor’s office.

  I came out of the doctor’s office and headed straight into the ward. ‘Ma, you’re wanted,’ I said.

  ‘Who? Who wants me, Martha?’ the ma whispered, looking worried and curious as she made to stand up.

  ‘Come on. The doctor wants a word with you,’ I said, trying to get her to move while the doctor was still there and waiting. I didn’t want to let Dinah get worried or have her asking too many questions that might end in her getting herself upset all over again. She got very upset when me and the ma told her about Jackser. She cried and sobbed her heart out for nearly two hours. You could hear her pitiful wails down around the hospital. But the nurses left her alone. They didn’t come rushing in with a doctor in tow to give her pills or injections that would put her out for days.

  ‘Did ye see the doctor, Martha?’ Dinah whispered, looking up at me with interest.

  ‘Yeah, I just wanted to find out how you’re doing, Dinah, hear what they think, you know. So that you and me and the ma can see how you are, but it’s them who make all the decisions.’

  ‘Are ye askin me ma te take me home?’ Dinah said, letting her eyes widen and the life come into them, lighting up with sudden hope!

  ‘Ah, Jesus, Dinah! It’s too early to go into that yet. We still have to arrange the funeral – I mean, there’s the burial and everything. Just take it easy, Dinah. But I did promise you things would change for the better, remember? When you and me talked in the hospital?’

  ‘Yeah,’ she said, shaking her head, looking a bit more peaceful at letting the hope rise up in her – the belief of better things to come.

  ‘Where is he? Where’s tha doctor, Martha?’ the ma said, waiting at the door for me.

  ‘Come on, Ma, listen,’ I said, walking down the passage holding her arm. ‘I talked to the doctor about Dinah.’

  ‘How she is?’ me ma whispered, blinking fast with the interest.

  ‘They said she was generally now stable, but naturally she is upset at the present time with her father having just died. That’s what the doctor said, but, Ma, they are considering allowing her to come home in a few weeks. It will be into the care of the local community – that is, if you are willing to take care of her. The doctor said they can organise with her local health doctor to take over her medical care. It will be under the supervision of the psychiatrist here. The psychiatrist from the hospital here will visit the health centre once a week – he’s there anyway. Then he said you and Dinah will have the back-up of a social worker. You will have one each, even the local health nurse, everyone, Ma! They will be just five minutes’ walk away. So, you go in now and talk to the doctor. He wants to see you on your own. I’m going to ask them to let me take Dinah for a walk out in the fresh air.’

  ‘Wha, but, Martha! I don’t know,’ me ma said, feeling everything was going too fast for her.

  ‘Ma, you can’t live on your own, and Dinah and Gerry can’t be left to rot in this place. They belong with you – you’re their mother. It makes sense for you all to be together. You will even have Gerry to look forward to at the weekends, Ma. Wouldn’t that be great?’

  ‘Yeah,’ she whispered, letting the word come out slowly as her eyes lit up on that idea.

  ‘Now go on, go in and talk to the doctor.’

  The ma took in a breath, saying nothing as she headed in for the doctor’s office. I knocked and heard him say, ‘Come in.’ I opened the door and put my hand lightly on the ma’s back, then waited until she was in, and shut the door quietly after her.

  ‘Come on, Dinah, I think we should start making tracks back in. The ma might be looking for us. She’s probably finished talking to the doctor by now,’ I said, looking at her stubbing out the cigarette, twisting it into the little border wall behind us. It was covered with roses well kept and pruned, obviously even sprayed with poison, to keep away the bleedin green fly! Mine get eaten alive, I thought, staring at the red roses mixed in with the lovely yellow ones – they looked moist and healthy. The scent wafting around us was wonderful, giving a lovely sense of peace to the big sweeping garden. I would love to take all this home with me and plant it in my own garden! Ah-ah! Keep yer hands te yerself, Martha, I grinned inside meself, knowing them days are long gone. They’re now dead and buried behind me. These days I don’t just have to survive, I can live a decent life. I have what I need.

  ‘There youse are!’ the ma whispered, with her eyes lighting up hurrying towards us, giving herself a little rush. ‘OK, Dinah, come on in,’ me ma said, turning to make back in the door.

  ‘Are ye goin back inta the ward?’ Dinah said, not looking in any hurry to get there.

  ‘Wait till I tell ye,’ me ma said, blinking and coughing, thinking and looking excited.

  ‘Wha, Ma? Wha are ye goin te tell me?’

&nb
sp; ‘Wait! Let’s get inside first,’ me ma said, giving Dinah a push, then laughing.

  Dinah hurried herself, rushing for the ward, then sat on the bed, pulling her pyjama-covered legs under her.

  ‘Listen! I talked te tha doctor, an he says ye can come home for good in a few weeks.’

  ‘When, Ma?’ Dinah burst out, getting the shock of her life. ‘Why can I not come home now?’

  ‘No, Dinah! Things take time. The doctor said one month, but ye can stay at home for the weekend next week. He wants te let ye adjust slowly.’

  ‘Yeah! Tha’s grand,’ Dinah said slowly, shaking her head, looking really happy as she stared at the ma. Then she looked at me, saying, ‘I’m all delighted! I’ll be goin home, Martha. Ye were right all along,’ she grinned, letting the light of her eyes settle on me. ‘Ah, come here an give me a hug. I want te hug you,’ she said, dropping on her knees to wrap her arms around me.

  I held her tight, thinking, they grow up, but to me she will always be my little sister. They all are. They never grow up in my mind. I suppose, too, it’s because I left home at such a young age. So, I don’t get pictures of how they are now. When I think of them, I think of us all being children.

  ‘Me da always talked about you, Martha,’ Dinah whispered. ‘Didn’t he, Ma?’

  The ma said nothing, just looked grim, with her eyes narrowing as she stared off into the distance. She didn’t want to be reminded of Jackser still alive now he’s gone.

  ‘Yeah! He always said ye were the best. No one could stand next te ye when it came te doin things, an how ye used te fight an kill the young fellas bigger than yerself! He would always be tellin us stories about you, Martha!’ she laughed.

  I laughed, thinking, yeah! Young fellas then wouldn’t think twice of hitting a young one. They saw their fathers do it to their mothers. So it was normal for them to want to keep a young one down in her place. I used to go after the little creeps with claws drawn and skinny little legs flying. My method was speed! Grab hair, swing around, dance up and down on their belly, then take off with me matchstick legs flying, hammering up and down like a pair of pistons! They would be still scraping themselves off the ground by the time I was home and dry. I roared laughing, getting the picture back then of meself! ‘Yeah!’ I said, laughing with Dinah.