Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  I suddenly let out a burst of laughing, seeing the way she said that. ‘But you said you knew him, Ma!’

  ‘Yeah, well, I was still not in me senses. I was still tryin te work you out, an how it mighta happened. I only knew then ye had te be married first before ye got a babby. But here you were!’ She snorted, sounding annoyed at her ignorance.

  Then she eased in herself, saying with a smile in her eyes, ‘Oh, Jesus! There was killins, Martha! Even the parish priest turned up! He wanted te get me put straight away inta a convent! I woulda been locked up in one a them Magdalene laundry places – put away fer life, I woulda been. Then they wanted te take you as well, put ye in a convent as well. They said they could get you adopted! I went mad! Everyone went mad! There was killins!’ she said, lowering her head, letting her face crinkle up, and her eyes looked like they had tears ready to burst. Then she lifted her head, saying, ‘But then Nelly stepped in. She told them all te go about their business. Tha she would mind us. She was three years older than me – nineteen, she was. But she had a terrible temper on her. Nobody would put themself in fear fer their life by gettin inta a row wit Nelly! So, they were satisfied wit tha. But me auntie was havin none of it. She had a worse temper! Even me father, God rest him, wouldn’t cross her be tryin te have a go by givin her his aul guff!

  ‘So the two a them, Nelly an me auntie, had a big run-in about it! Me aunt wanted te get the fella responsible, but I wouldn’t open me mouth. I was too ashamed a me life, Martha. I couldn’t even bear meself te think about it, never mind open me mouth! So I kept quiet. This is the first time I ever told anyone! So now ye know,’ she said, looking up at me, shaking her head, still not able to get over it, as she took in a deep breath and held it, letting her eyes stare, seeing the picture of it all happening again. She was remembering that time with the pain and worry as it all came rushing back at her – I could see it showing in her eyes.

  ‘Oh, them were terrible times, Martha,’ she said, shaking her head at me and whispering. ‘Everyone thought I had done a shockin thing! I thought tha about meself. It didn’t matter tha it wasn’t my doin – I was the one it happened to, so I was te blame. They kept tryin te get you offa me. Tha parish priest was a demon. He had the bit between the teeth, an he wasn’t prepared te let go so easy!

  ‘But the neighbours! Oh, the old Liberty neighbours were very good to you. They all got together an made a collection. They bought you a lovely big pram wit springs on it. They even got the sunshade te match! Oh, it was lovely. It was cream, I remember, wit a lovely fringe all around the edges. It used te shake when I pushed the pram. Oh, we got great innings outa tha pram, you an me. I used to take you off for the day in it. I walked for miles wit you in tha pram, I did. The people used te stop me every few mile wantin to admire you, an I even made a collection for weeks, I did. People – they would keep stoppin me on the street an put money in the pram. Yeah, they would so they would, for you! Shove it up behind the pilla they did. It’s for good luck, ye see! That’s wha ye did then, fer a new babby! It was a way te help out the mother a course.

  ‘Oh, you were tiny! Lovely ye were, Martha! I couldn’t get over you. Jaysus! There was no stoppin ye, though – small an all as ye were. You were up an outa tha pram be the time ye were nine months old! That’s when Nelly managed te get her hands on it. She flew off te the pawn wit it. I was ragin! Tha was the last I ever saw a me lovely pram. She kept tellin me ye didn’t need it, tha ye were now on yer feet. “But, sure, wha would ye be needin it for?” she used te say te me. I ask ye? The rows we had! I kept tellin her te stop tryin to make herself the mammy a my babby! She never let go a ye, Martha! Jaysus! The pullin an draggin you got between the pair of us! It’s a wonder ye were still in one piece,’ she said.

  Then she suddenly looked straight at me, leaning towards me, laughing. ‘But did ye know, I remember one day she was holdin you. She was kissin an suckin the face offa ye! You stayed quiet, lettin her get away wit tha. But then suddenly you erupted,’ me ma laughed, losing her wind before she could get the next word out. ‘Ye were only six month old, but, outa the blue, ye suddenly had enough, an up came the hand, givin her a clatter on the face, shoutin, “DOP!”’

  ‘What?! Six months old, Ma?’

  ‘Yeah! That’s when ye said yer first word! By the time ye were sixteen month old, ye were goin around singin rebel songs, nearly gettin us all arrested. Ye never shut up from the first in the mornin till I got ye down in the last a the night! Oh, you were very cute! Very cute, everyone used te tell me! I got great enjoyment outa ye – we all did! Nelly idolised you! The kids on the street, the little young ones, they used te come bangin on me door at all hours, they did, wantin te take you out for a walk in yer pram. They were always fightin over who was goin te get te mind you!’

  ‘Gawd, Ma, that sounds like my youngest. She’s the very same, and you know it’s uncanny but she did the very same thing at six months old too! She clattered an aul one, a very old woman, on the chops, who was sucking the cheeks off her! Not just that, but she was talking by the time she was seventeen months old. Isn’t that amazing, Ma? She must take after me,’ I said, thinking of the wonder of that.

  ‘Ah, will ye bring them over te see me, Martha?’ she said, smiling with a longing on her face.

  ‘Yeah! Course I will, Ma!’ I said, really looking forward to that.

  ‘Aah! But I would never let a bad word be said against her, Martha. Against Nelly! She was the best in the world. Jesus! There was nothin she wouldn’t do for you or me! Then she had a little babby, just after you! Nine months after, it was. Just after she sold the bleedin pram! I think she was hopin te grab the money for tha, thinkin they might then have te make a collection fer her. Then she’d end up wit herself gettin a new pram for her new babby.’

  ‘Oh, yeah! Barney!’ I said. ‘He was younger than me. I used to mind him, Ma.’

  ‘Oh, don’t talk te me. She had tha poor young fella followin her te the lavatory! She used te be moidered wit him! She couldn’t go anywhere without him! Oh, he was very attached to her, Martha,’ she said, getting lost in herself. I just sat back listening, not saying a word. I wanted to let her talk in her own time.

  ‘Then ye see, Martha,’ she said, lifting her face up but not bringing her eyes with it. She was thinking, letting her eyes stare down at the floor. ‘It all went wrong because I picked up wit this fella. He was no good, but I didn’t see tha. People kept warnin me. Nelly! She wanted te get her hands on him, but I used to sneak out behind her back, just te avoid the trouble it would cause. The less she knew the better, I thought. By then, ye see, everyone had a fella, or they were married be tha time. I thought I could do the same, but it didn’t work out like tha. No fella would take me, wit you! They thought I wasn’t decent, not respectable – tha’s the way things was back then!

  ‘So this fella, anyway, he hadn’t two ha’pence te rub together. But he did take notice a me, an bein as foolish, or maybe just as stupid, as I really was, I believed everythin tha he was tellin me. We would go away an make a fresh start, he said. We could go te England, where he would get work. He was on the bleedin streets, Martha!’ she roared, not able to get over her daftness.

  I nodded, getting pictures, dark-grey images, remembering every bit of him – even the times she used to take me with her when she was meeting him.

  ‘Anyway, he got me te save me few pennies, then he took off, takin all me savings wit him. Tha was the last I ever saw a him. Then I was left stranded wit another babby on the way.’

  ‘That’s when you had Charlie, Ma,’ I said, looking at her sadly. I remember every bit of that too, even when she went into labour. I was five, and all I could hear when me and Barney woke up was the moaning and shivering coming from the ma, as the two of us sat up, watching her standing holding onto the side of the bed. Then there was the puddle of blood on the floor. We were out of the room as fast as our little legs could move, with Nelly pushing and shoving us ahead of her, then she was off down the stairs leavin
g us standing on the landing. Within minutes she had made a collection of aul ones, and there she was, back up the stairs with a procession of aul biddies trailing her. They hurried past us, wearing their black shawls tightly wrapped around themselves, keeping their heads and shoulders warm. We sat on the lobby stairs, watching the excitement, seeing as they flew past, rushing themselves. They were nearly falling over each other and themself in their hurry to get inta the room.

  I was given a shopping bag and sent for the messages. ‘Here!’ an aul one roared at me. ‘You go down an get the messages for yer poor mammy.’

  I stared. The only messages I got sent for was up to the dairy to buy Nelly one Woodbine cigarette and a match to light it. Even then she stopped sending me. I sucked the thing to death, spitting out what was left, trying to hand her the big gobs of mush with the tobacco clinging to a string of spit.

  ‘Go on!’ the aul one roared, shaking the bag at me, then landing it in me hand. ‘Get the messages!’

  I stopped staring and rushed off to the shops, thinking, I thought ye had te have the money? I handed up the bag, holding me breath, after giving the shopkeeper a list of all the lovely things I wanted. The aul one ate the head offa me in the shop! Telling me I was to go back and tell aul Granny Rafters what she could do – wantin somethin fer nothin! The cheek! An she not standin behind tha counter for the good a her health!

  ‘Well! Ye know wha happened after tha, Martha. Nelly up an left. I was stranded. The house was condemned. Me old family home where we had all been born an reared. I couldn’t settle in the new place. Well, ye know the rest! We ended up without a roof over our heads. I went downhill. I lost the only life I had ever known, wit me sister an me neighbours an me friends all around me. Tha was all gone. They boarded up all the windas in the old tenement houses an everyone got shifted, all scattered in different directions. I lost me mind. I lost me way, Martha. Then him! Well, tha finished me. He always made sure te remind me I was only a whore. Tha was an awful thing te call anyone in them days, Martha. So, between the babbies arrivin one after the other, wit no let-up, then his badness an the madness – I stopped carin! But I’m goin to tell you this now, Martha. An you might not believe me, but I’m tellin you anyway! When tha man nearly kilt the pair a youse!’ she said, pointing and wagging her finger at me, seeing me not taking my eyes off her. Then she took another breath, getting ready to say what came next. ‘It was as soon as we stepped inside his door. Do you remember tha, when he grabbed the babby, Charlie, outa me arms he did, then threatened te kill him by hangin him be the leg over them banisters?! Then he went after you! Nearly sendin you te yer death by hangin ye outa tha winda, swingin ye be yer legs, he was, lookin like any minute he was goin te drop you! Send ye flyin to yer death at any second, then ye woulda landed on them spikes stickin up outa tha railings! They woulda gone clean up through ye! Well, the shock a tha nearly finished me off altogether,’ me ma said, leaning over to look at me with the fear of God in her eyes.

  I watched, seeing her face had gone white by even just remembering it. Then she stared at me, still leaning towards me, waiting to see if I remembered what she was talking about. I shook me head and lowered it, getting the sense of it coming back even worse. It was seeing the fear now in the ma with that memory.

  ‘Well! Tha put such a fear of God in me, I was terrified outa me mind he would kill youse, an that’s wha did it fer me. I never said another word te make him come tha close again. He knew he had me, Martha!’ she said, raising her voice with the pain. ‘He knew I couldn’t go back out on them streets again. Sure, there was the risk anytime tha youse two could be took offa me then be put inta a home. Even meself! I coulda still been locked up then, sent inta one a them convents where they lock ye up! You never see the light a day again, Martha! No! I was in fear a me life a him. I had te watch everythin I said an did.

  ‘I thought the world a youse two! You might not have believed me then, but I did, Martha! It’s just he kicked out any life tha I mighta had still left in me when I met him. Sure, at one time or another, he tried to kill all of us. He went after me at one time an kicked the child I was carryin outa me. Then he tried te kill me, be holdin me down an he wit a knife te me throat!’

  I stared at her, remembering them times too. My heart was sick with the weight of hearing it all again. But the ma looked worse. I could see her shoulders hunched, sitting on the edge of the couch wringing her hands, then resting them on her lap.

  ‘It was a boy, ye know, Martha,’ she said, barely above a whisper as she looked at me.

  ‘What?! The baby you lost, Ma?’

  ‘Yeah! A lovely babby boy, six months growin inside me tha child was.’

  Then the tears rolled down. I watched her for a second, seeing her face crumple and the tears stream down her cheeks, making her face go red. Suddenly, she looked so small and fragile.

  ‘Ma, it’s all over now. Them times are gone for ever,’ I said, moving to wrap my arms around her and rock her back and forth.

  ‘Oh, me poor childre, I know they suffered somethin terrible. But I was like someone left sittin in the middle of a bomb explosion! I was outa me mind. I didn’t know who I was or wha was happenin around me, most a the time, I wasn’t even aware a meself. It was like days had come an gone by, an I missed them passin. I didn’t even know they had come an gone. I had no mind a me own,’ she said, shaking her head, wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

  ‘Let me get you something to wipe your face, Ma,’ I said, heading for the bathroom.

  It smelled lovely, with cleaning stuff beside the toilet and a tumbler holding false teeth. They sat in a cup in a silver holder on the wall, hanging over the wash-hand basin. I could see shampoo and a bottle of herbal bubble bath, even creams for your face. I didn’t bother getting nosy and opening the press under the sink or the medicine cabinet on the wall. I grabbed a roll of toilet paper left sitting piled on top of each other behind the toilet. Gawd! The place is lovely, I thought, rushing in seeing the ma lift her head to take the tissue out of my hand. She blew her nose and took another few sheets, and wiped her face, showing it roaring red.

  ‘Will I put the kettle on, Ma?’

  ‘Yeah,’ she nodded, still looking very down and out, with her shoulders hunched, looking like she had suddenly gotten terribly small and old.

  ‘Will I make you a sandwich, Ma?’ I said, stopping to look back at her as I waited at the door.

  She thought about it for a minute, then said, ‘Ah, no! Sure, I’ll have somethin fer me tea later, but you go on ahead an get yerself one. Here! There’s a lovely bit a ham in the …’

  ‘No, Ma! Let’s wait then. I’m not hungry, not after that lovely big dinner you fed me.’

  ‘Yeah! Tha was a lovely bit a fish. It was, eh, wha do ye call tha soft white fish without the bones, Martha?’

  ‘Yeah, Ma, it was plaice. That’s very dear, Ma.’

  ‘Don’t remind me! But sure, wha good is the money to ye if ye can’t get te enjoy it? There’s no pockets in a shroud, Martha! Ye can’t take it wit you!’ she laughed.

  27

  ‘Oh! Did I tell you, Martha! Me an Dinah are goin away on our holidays in the next two weeks!’

  ‘You are?’ I said, hearing her shouting in from the sitting room.

  I hurried with the two mugs of tea and rushed in, saying, ‘How is Dinah, Ma? What’s happening with her?’

  ‘But, sure, she’s livin here now wit me fer the last wha … three year.’

  ‘Is she, Ma?’

  ‘Yes, indeed she is,’ me ma said, dragging her head down with her face, making it definite.

  ‘How is she?’

  ‘Grand! Not a bother on her. She’s out now – gone off for the day wit her pal, Joanie. The two a them do go off together, an go here an there! Today they’re gone off inta town. Jaysus! I bet you anythin Dinah will walk through tha door wit more stuff tha she’s after buyin in them shops. I nearly need another wardrobe just te take the amount a stuff she has!’ me ma
said, shaking her head, laughing. ‘Yeah! They’re gone te look aroun the shops, then they said they want te see a film. Afterwards, they usually go fer fish an chips in O’Connell Street. But Dinah likes te bring me back something. Usually a bit a fish from across the road.

  ‘Oh, by the way, Martha. Did ye see me new false teeth they made me get?’

  ‘Oh, yeah. The ones sitting in the bathroom, Ma?’

  ‘Yeah,’ she said, ‘tha’s them! Tha nurse down in tha clinic brought me te the dentist down there. I wouldn’t go on me own! Anyway, I only wear them when I’m goin out, otherwise I couldn’t be bothered wit them! They fall outa me bleedin mouth, Martha,’ she laughed.

  ‘So how is Dinah, Ma? I mean, how is her health?’

  ‘Grand! There’s not a bother on her. They have her an Gerry on these new pills. They put the two a them on it when tha drug was just new. They wanted te see if it would work better. Well, they’re on it now for goin on nearly two year an they haven’t looked back since, Martha! Dinah doesn’t be tormented wit the voices so much, an even Gerry is much better. He talks more to ye now, because he’s a lot better – the same as Dinah. He’s not rushin around so much. He’s more easy in himself wit the voices not botherin him so much, ye know?’ she said, looking at me, sounding very happy. ‘He will even sit now an watch the television wit you. But he prefers te listen to his music. He loves tha aul radio I got him. He knows all the songs. Ye should see him, Martha,’ me ma said, getting a convulsion with the laugh. It caught her breath, making the face go red.

  ‘He sits up in the bed, roarin his bleedin head off in the middle of the night, Martha, singing he does be! Listenin to his radio, if ye wouldn’t be mindin, but no bother on him at wakin the rest of us up. I ask ye! I do have to let a shout outa me, roarin at him to switch off tha radio an get te sleep! An let the rest of us get a bit a sleep, too.