by Mj Fields
He storms at me, and I instinctively hug my knees and close my eyes, protecting myself like I tried to do that night. I know it’s stupid, but I’m anxious now, and that doesn’t help me when I try to pull it together.
The bed dips beside me, and then his arms surround me. I move until my back is to him as he holds me tightly.
“I’ve got you,” he whispers, his lips against the back of my head. “No one’s gonna fucking touch you. No one.”
I silently cry with my face buried into my knees, and he doesn’t let go.
I drift asleep, allowing myself to believe him.
***
I wake up to my phone’s vibration from my alarm, the one that tells me “time to take your pill and get out of bed; it’s seven thirty in the morning.” I never needed an alarm after Noah … Well, until I started my business and Aunt Margie insisted I sleep in and that she would care for Noah.
Finn’s passed out, and his boots are still on. I must have kept him up all night.
I remember dreaming—no, I remember nightmares: the slice of the knife across my belly; his words telling me he wished he didn’t have to do this, yet I left him no choice; the second attempted slice when I grabbed the butcher knife in his hand; and then the blow to the back of my head.
I slip out from under Finn’s arm and go into the bathroom, take a quick shower, and blow dry my hair. When I come out, he’s still asleep, looking peaceful.
I see my bags by the door and grab them, taking them to the bathroom to dress. When I come out, he is still in the same spot.
I look at him one last time before I grab the bag of electronics, then head out to find a place to work before my real job begins at ten this morning.
The Texas weather is already hot, especially for an Ohio girl, so I am thankful to find a covered patio area with tables, and it has outdoor fans to move the air around.
I log-on to my blog e-mail and see over seven hundred e-mails of product review requests. I am shocked Margie hasn’t touched them since I left. Hell, she hasn’t even complained. Well, not since I transferred ten grand into the household account.
I sort through them, accepting and denying each one. Two months ago, I would have accepted all of them. Today, I don’t have time, but I have to make time. It’s money, a way to get back on track.
“Hey, you’re up early,” Tally says as she walks up to me.
“Yeah, just figured I’d get caught up on some personal stuff before starting the day.”
“Personal stuff?” She sits and looks at me. “Oh.” Her hand covers her mouth. “Never mind, I should never have asked a personal—”
“I have a son, Tally.” Saying it out loud feels so good, like a weight lifted off my heart. Even after last night’s set back, the new desire to finally move forward and step outside the literal gates feels good.
“A what?”
I look up when I hear Memphis, who sits down.
“A son,” I say, allowing the truth to shine as brightly as Noah’s smile does when he looks at me. “He’s four and beautiful. He is my reason for—” I stop when I see Memphis look over me, and I glance back to see he is looking at River.
“How old were you when you had him?” River asks.
I clear my throat. “Almost seventeen.”
“Well, shit.” He plops down.
Finn walks around the table then and sits directly across from me. I can’t see his eyes, so I don’t know if he’s all right with my confession. I don’t know why I care, but I do.
“He live with his dad or your mom or—”
“What’s with the twenty questions?” Finn asks, lifting his chin at River. “She has a kid. Big deal.”
“Just asking, man. My mom left when I was, like, two. Joined the circus as the fat lady and—”
“Shut the hell up, really?” Billy asks, sitting next to River.
“Hell no, she was too young to raise me. Probably should have aborted me.” He laughs and looks around. No one else laughs. “A joke, man.”
“Stupid fucking joke,” Finn grumbles, sitting back in his chair.
I look around, finding all eyes are on me, seeking an explanation, I assume.
“He’s at our house. My aunt lives with us. She’s caring for him while I’m away.”
“No need to explain, Sonya,” Finn says before taking a sip of his coffee.
I shrug. “I don’t want it to be a secret.”
“Shouldn’t be. You’re doing what you have to do to raise your kid. That’s something to be proud of,” he says and stands up. “I need a smoke.”
“I’m coming, too,” River says, following him.
Nick, Taelyn, and Xavier join us. I can feel my cheeks flush, embarrassed by what I overheard last night. Porn sex? I wonder if they make videos, and if so, why? Certainly not for the money.
“Today, Steel Total Destruction has a photo shoot,” Taelyn announces. “We have a full color page ad with Rolling Stone magazine. Look fresh.” She looks at Tally and me. “And we are going to meet with Tainted Knights’ manager, Emmie, while they rehearse on stage.” She looks at me. “Photo op for us?”
“Of course.” I smile.
Taelyn is amazing. She seems to understand and value the work I do. She also seems willing to entertain ideas about promotion that others, like Finn, want to balk at.
I shove everything in my bag and go to stand as Xavier says, “Sit down. Breakfast is on its way.”
***
Emmie Armstrong and Tainted Knights arrive at Toyota Stadium at one o’clock to begin set up. Taelyn and Emma stand at the side of the stage and start talking while Tally and I set out to take as many pictures as we can.
“I don’t remember who is who.” She laughs.
“Jace, vocals; Grey, founder of the band, guitarist, and vocals; Kale is on drums; Tate, or Sin, is bass; and Cash, bass, keys, and vocals,” I tell her as I snap pictures.
“I don’t know how you remember all of them.” She shakes her head.
“It’s my job.” I smile, snapping more photos.
When I feel we have enough, Tally and I sit and download them. I then save them in a cloud we can both access.
“You start at the top; I’ll start at the bottom. Use the photo app to add the overlay with the concert information, and then we will come up with a posting plan.”
“Sounds good.” She nods. “Sonya?”
“Yeah?” I ask, looking up from my laptop.
“Do you have a nickname besides None-ya?”
“No.” I laugh.
“Well, they call me Tales sometimes. You need a nickname,” she whispers the last part, and it makes me smile.
At four o’clock, we finally have all of our picture files set and ready to roll when Memphis comes in and sneaks behind Tally, kissing her neck.
“Hello, hot stuff.”
“Well, hi there, hotter stuff.” She giggles.
He walks in front of her and scowls. “Not even close.”
She scowls back in a joking manner. “I’d rather look at you any day than at a mirror, so tails, I win.”
I feel him, smell him; I know he’s close. I look up, and Finn is looking down over his sunglasses. His gaze hits my eyes first then my lips, and they immediately go dry, so I lick them. His jaw muscles pop, his nostrils flare a bit, and then he pulls out a cigarette.
“Going for a smoke. Wanna come with me?” he asks River.
“Just put one out, man,” he says, looking at him oddly.
Finn walks away as he lights up.
I see the security guards walk up to him. “No smoking in here.”
“I’m heading out,” he says as he walks past.
One of them taps his shoulder, but he stops and doesn’t turn around.
“No smoking on the property at all,” the guard calls out.
When Finn turns around, it’s apparent he is angry.
“How about you keep your hands off me?”
“Rules are rules,” the younger one says.
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His voice goes deep as hell as he walks toward the exit, saying, “Understood.”
I look at River, then Memphis and Billy. “Should one of you go with him?”
“He’s cool.” Memphis laughs.
***
I avoid being alone with him, and he knows it. The embarrassment of what I may have said in the early restless morning hours horrifies me. It has happened before. During nights when I was forced to remember my attack, nights when a memory flooded my mind, I had horrible dreams, ones that woke me in the middle of the night to find myself crying, screaming, begging for my life. Then there were the mornings when I opened my eyes and was sure it was really happening again.
That’s what happened last night. That’s what the man who doesn’t want to live in the past was witness to. That is something I fear will never go away. It’s something I will live with forever. But I don’t want anyone else to.
I swallow down the moment of self-pity and focus forward.
I stand backstage, watching Tainted Knights tear it up. They are good, and I overhear Xavier and Taelyn’s conversation about wishing they had found them before they were already signed.
“We’re fans.” Taelyn smiles.
“Yeah,” Xavier says, continuing to watch them. “Emma, she’s gonna keep them straight, right?”
“She’s good, Xavier.” She nudges him. “She’ll keep them straight.”
“Good, ’cause we’ve got our hands full.” He chuckles, running his hands through his hair. “Full of ass-kicking talent and testosterone.”
“Memphis and Billy are settled in nicely,” she says as he wraps his arm around her waist.
“Yeah, but Finn went off the fucking rails.” He sighs.
I feel like I’m eavesdropping when I’m really not trying. Then again, they aren’t being all that quiet, and they are right next to me.
I see Taelyn look over at me then look back at him. “I think he’ll be fine.”
I act like I don’t see her.
“Sonya needs a nickname.” I hear Tally laughing from behind me.
I look back and smile at the entire band walking toward me.
“She’s Yah-Yah.” Finn smirks.
I notice immediately his eyes are a little mucky before I look away, trying to focus on my phone, but I can’t ignore the weight of his eyes or the way that weight affects me.
Tainted Knights finishes their last song and the crowd roars. They love them.
I take a quick video as they come off the stage and shake hands with Steel Total Destruction while the crew rushes to change the set. In the chaos, I concentrate on breathing and the screen as I retweet, then post.
I see his boots and try to ignore them, but he doesn’t move, so I look up. As his eyes narrow for a moment, I wonder what he thinks of me now, after the freak out.
“Gonna wish me luck?”
“Of course.” I nod. “Break a leg.”
“You good?” he asks.
“You high?” I retort.
“Just relaxed.”
I nod. “Well, then”—I look up at him—“I hope you can work through it.”
I walk around him, but he grabs my hand, so I turn back and look at him.
“We’re all working through something.”
My chest feels heavy as I close my eyes and shake my head. “I’m sorry.”
“Me, too.” He lets go of my hand, turns, and walks away.
Taelyn walks over. “Everything okay?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
We watch as they do their huddle, ending in a fist explosion, and I video the entire thing. It’s part of their ritual, part of who Steel Total Destruction is. Band mates is what they call themselves, but they are more than that. It’s evident in their closeness and the way they look out for one another.
On stage, River taps them in, and the sound of Finn’s bass explodes, followed by Billy on the acoustic.
I look left to see Memphis with his hands on Tally’s face, kissing her. They are two very different people who make an amazing couple. While his forehead rests on hers, I don’t know what words are exchanged, but she blushes, smiles, bites her lips. Then he bends his knees, looking directly into her eyes, and says something that causes her to laugh out loud then cover her mouth. He beams at her response and kisses her again before storming the stage.
“Hello, Texas!” He holds the mic out for the crowd’s response. “I am Memphis Black, lead singer for Steel Total Destruction!” He allows the crowd’s electricity to crackle in a thunderous roar. “You ready for some STD? You ready to get rocked so hard you can’t walk straight for a week?” I hear them again, but this time, the sound is like the Fourth of July: screaming, cheering, excitement out of control. “I like the way you sound. Finn, get ’em ready, man.”
“Prepare yourselves to get fucked,” Finn’s voice booms through the speakers.
“Did he really just say that?” Xavier laughs.
“He did.” Taelyn joins him. “Goodbye reclusive bass player. Hello, Beckett.”
“Going Down” begins.
“Did you talk Finn into singing?” I hear Tally ask Nick.
“No, but we have a plan.” He gives her a mischievous smile. That smile makes me nervous for him.
Getting lost in the feeling of their music isn’t hard. They are by far one of the most talented bands I have ever heard. Not only are they talented, but they seem to become one.
After “Surface to Soul” plays, Memphis walks over and whispers to Finn. His body stiffens and his head hangs low as Memphis motions off stage and the lights dim on stage.
Nick runs on stage, and Memphis says something to him before gesturing for a drink, and one of the roadies runs out with a bottle of water. I see Finn walk to center stage while Nick runs off stage, grabs Memphis’s guitar, and then runs it back on stage.
River taps the drums, the acoustic guitars sound up, and a song I have never heard before starts. Then the lights come up, spotlighting Finn. He lets go of the guitar, cups the mic, and his low, raspy voice—his bedroom voice—tingles in my ears.
“Hello, Dallas.” He doesn’t call to them for a response like Memphis; he draws them in; he is seducing them. “I’m Finn Beckett, bass guitarist, song writer, and occasionally, I am asked to stand here and lend you my voice.”
The crowd cheers, though not loudly.
“I wrote this song a long time ago, and although the past should stay where it is, sometimes it just needs to be heard.”
He glances off stage in my direction. I’m not sure if he’s looking at me or if I just want that voice, that seductive bedroom voice, to not be for them. Selfishly, I want it to be for me.
I walk alone, searching for truth.
The dusty road clouds my blues.
In the light of day, she never is you.
Looking ’round, it’s all like a dream.
All I wanted has been sewn together, no seam.
I search for you in my darkest hours, but you’re still gone.
The love we had never was true.
My shattered heart was swept up by the wind and blown.
I’m going blind.
You took what was mine,
Left me behind.
Now I can’t find me.
Oh … Oh-oh-oh …
Oh … Oh-oh-oh.
I’m going blind.
You took what was mine,
Left me behind.
Now I can’t find me.
Oh … Oh-oh-oh …
Oh … Oh-oh-oh.
The light, it shines ubiquitously.
I can still smell your scent universally.
The hole you left can never be filled.
No drink, no smoke, no fucking pills.
I wanna feel the aching I’ve earned.
Chalk it up to a lesson learned.
I try so hard. Can’t believe you’re not mine.
Now it’s time. Yes, it’s time
To let go and find my heart that was blown away.
Lock it up tight.
Mend it, I might.
But I’m still going blind.
You took what was mine,
Left me behind.
Now I can’t find me.
Oh … Oh-oh-oh …
Oh … Oh-oh-oh.
I’m still going blind.
You took what was mine,
Left me behind.
Now I can’t find me.
Oh … Oh-oh-oh …
Oh … Oh-oh-oh.
I walk alone, seeking the truth.
The dusty road now comforts my blues.
In the light of day, I’m glad she’s not you.
I still look around. It’s still like a dream.
All I ever wanted is now sewn together, loose seam.
I search for me in my darkest hours, but I’m still gone.
The love we had never was true.
My shattered heart is now whole. Empty my soul,
But I’m still going blind.
You took what was mine,
Left me behind.
Now I can’t find me.
Oh … Oh-oh-oh …
Oh … Oh-oh-oh.
I’m still going blind.
You stole what was mine.
Left me behind.
Now I can’t find me.
Oh … Oh-oh-oh …
Oh … Oh-oh-oh.
I’m still going blind.
You stole what was mine,
Left me behind.
Now I can’t find me.
Oh … Oh-oh-oh …
Oh … Oh-oh-oh.
The music ends, the crowd roars, and my heart shatters for him, for me, for … her. Then the lights dim, and over the speakers, his husky rasp starts again. No drums, no guitar, just his voice.
I don’t want to be blind.
I just want to see.
Look in the mirror, and let it be me.
Oh … Oh-oh-oh …
Oh … Oh-oh-oh.
Don’t fucking want to be blind.
Just wanna see that face in the mirror that once was me.
Oh … Oh-oh-oh …
Oh … Oh-oh-oh.
The crowd’s roar hits a new high.
“That was Finn Fucking Beckett, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for Finn!” Memphis yells to the crowd.
