Finn Beckett

by Mj Fields

  The nurse puts something in his IV that almost immediately takes him down about ten notches.

  “Light and dark, black and white,” he says to me right before he says, “Jesse was mine, too,” and passes out.

  Xavier looks at me as they wheel him out of the room. “What the hell is he talking about?”

  I shrug as rage boils inside of me.

  Noah is going to stay with Taelyn for tonight since they won’t let me leave, and I have never left him with anyone but Margie. I hope he won’t be scared. Then again, if he saw me right now, he would certainly be afraid.

  I look up to see Finn slide through the door before he shuts it behind him. For the first time, I am truly afraid of him.

  I close my eyes tightly as tears fall down my face, listening to him sit, yet he doesn’t say a thing.

  I wish he would leave. I wish I had never come here.

  “You awake?” he asks quietly.

  “Please, just don’t.” I sob into my hands.

  He sighs. “Don’t what? Ask if you’re okay? Tell you I’m sorry for putting you in his vehicle? Ask you how long you knew about”—he pauses—“him and her?”

  I should answer him; maybe then he will go away.

  I wipe away my tears. “He has a joker tattoo. The joker is mentioned in the book. I didn’t realize that’s what she meant. Your tattoos weren’t mentioned.”

  “I didn’t have any then,” he says quietly.

  “Until I saw it, I never put it together that her dark knight and white knight weren’t two different moods or a poetic reference. They were two different men. She loved both dark and light, and there was never a mention of whose child she was—”

  “You okay?” he asks, cutting me off.

  “Been better, been worse,” is all I say.

  He looks at me and shakes his head then stands and leans toward me.

  “Please don’t hurt me.”

  His body stiffens, and he looks at me like those words wounded him. Then the door opens, and a nurse walks in. I am relieved someone else is in the room.

  She looks at him then me. “Something for the pain yet?”

  I shake my head, and she sighs. “Push the call bell if you change your mind.”

  I nod, and then she walks back out the door.

  “Sonya, take something,” he almost pleads.

  “I can’t,” I say.

  “Why?”

  Taelyn walks in the room and looks at me then at him and back at me. Once I shake my head at her, she nods once and then looks back at him.

  “Are you staying?”

  He shakes his head. “She needs something to help her sleep. She is refusing pain meds and—”

  “You can take something, Sonya. It’s okay.”

  I ignore her and ask, “How is Noah?”

  “He’s asleep at our place. Joe said he fell asleep on the couch. He’s fine. I will bring him by in the morning.” She leans down and whispers, “Tell him,” in my ear before kissing my head.

  I shake my head again.

  “Tell me what?” Finn asks.

  “Please, just go. I’m tired. Just … go.” Fear of him and want for him doesn’t mix well.

  He walks slowly toward the door then looks back. “I’m sorry.”

  His head hangs low as he walks out.

  Taelyn looks at me. “You’re gonna have to face the music soon, Sonya. Get some sleep tonight. I’ll call you in the morning before I bring Noah by.”

  “Keep him safe, please, Taelyn. Keep him safe.”

  “Of course.”

  ***

  I wake up, and I swear I can still smell him. The nurse comes in and checks my vitals, telling me I will have a hard cast put on my leg in a couple hours. She also suggests I take something for the pain.

  “I’m fine.”

  She shakes her head. “The word is stubborn, not fine. Pregnant women take pain pills that don’t pass through the placenta, and you are so early that the baby is in a bulletproof case. They are going to set your leg, and it’s not going to be pleasant.”

  “I’ll take that into consideration,” I say with a nod.

  After she leaves, Taelyn calls.

  “Good morning. I have a little boy who would love to see his mom. Is it okay if—?”

  “Yes. Yes, please. And he needs a booster seat; he’s not tall enough or heavy enough to—”

  “Xavier is already on it. He’s, like, the safety police in the family.” She laughs. Then I hear Noah laugh in the background. “He is, right?” I can tell she’s asking Noah.

  “Uh-huh.” He giggles.

  “How long?” I ask anxiously.

  “Half an hour max.”

  “Perfect. Taelyn, I don’t know how to thank you. I am so grateful for—”

  “That’s what family does, Sonya. We are one, big, dysfunctional family that functions. Does that even make any sense?” She laughs.

  “Thank you.” What a horrible situation to be in, love pouring in and wanting to just run as fast as you can to get away, while you have a broken leg.

  I sit back and try to get comfortable. It’s impossible, though. Then I look up and notice Finn standing there. Fear teases me, but his eyes make it nearly impossible to be afraid.

  “You’re pregnant?” he asks, unmoving.

  “How…? What…? I—”

  “I’ve been in the hallway all night, Sonya. I heard her say it.” He motions his head in the direction of the nurses’ station. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

  “You’re scaring me.” I almost stutter when I say it.

  “I’m scaring you?” He’s pissed, but then it’s as if he changes his mind. “Oh. Oh, fuck. Jesus—”

  “Please leave. Please leave, because—”

  He holds up his hand, stopping me. “Just answer the question. Are you having my child?”

  “I am.” I swallow. “I didn’t know … I don’t know if … I was in an accident, and I don’t know what—”

  “You’re afraid of me?” His voice vibrates the air when he speaks.

  “I’m terrified of you,” I admit. “Completely and totally terrified.”

  He closes his eyes and shakes his head, then walks out.

  When Taelyn and Noah arrive, I feel relief sweep over me.

  “Wow, Mom, you got boo-boos.”

  “I do, but it’s okay. Climb up here and snuggle me. I missed your snuggles.”

  “I missed you, too, but Momma Joe is a super snuggler.”

  “I’m so glad.” I laugh as he climbs up on my right side, the side that was bruised badly from my body hitting the passenger door.

  “I’m sorry you got hurt, Mommy.”

  “Accidents happen, Noah, but I’m gonna be fine.”

  “Better than fine,” Taelyn says. “Tell her the big surprise, Noah.”

  He grins from ear to ear. “I can?”

  “Of course you can.” She laughs.

  “The house in Ohio sold!”

  “It what?”

  He nods. “The retailer called your work phone. The lady who answered called her, and she telled me. So we get to live here by the ocean, Mommy.”

  “Realtor,” I smile and tears fall.

  “Yep, that. It’s okay. We can get a new one … with security.”

  His words bring me to a new level of realization. He sees all of my insecurities, all of my flaws, and not only does he see them, but he recognizes them. I am so ashamed to think of the damage I have unknowingly caused him.

  “I’m not sad, Noah. I’m happy.”

  “Good. Me, too.”

  After they leave, the nurse comes in. “We are going to wait until tomorrow to set your leg. We want to make sure all the swelling has gone down, and again, I am offering pain medicine.”

  “No thank you,” I say, earning a harsh look. “I would like my phone.” I point to the outlet. “I can’t get to it.”

  “And you should eat something,” she mutters, but I ignore her.

  “And if
you could tell me how River is?”

  “He’s out of surgery,” she says, shaking her head. “Your friend is a pain in the ass.”

  “Is that your professional opinion?” I smile.

  She laughs, shaking her head. “Both personal and professional.”

  ***

  I wake to his voice. “You Mommy’s friend from the picture?”

  “You’re Noah.” It’s Finn’s voice.

  “You know my name?”

  “She talks about you all the time.”

  “You was here yesterday?”

  “I was. So were you, right?”

  I sit up and lean toward the door, straining to hear what else is said.

  Noah walks in, holding Finn’s hand, and Finn looks at me, his knit cap pulled low. He has on jeans and a gray sweater over a white T-shirt, and he has trimmed his beard.

  “I found your friend,” Noah says, dropping Finn’s hand and climbing up on the bed. “He was here yesterday but never came in. I think he should know you’re fine.”

  “Are you fine, Sonya?” Finn asks.

  I nod, wrapping my arm around Noah, who is now perched at my side. I kiss his head and ask, “Yes. Did you have a good night?” I am talking to Noah, but I am still looking at Finn.

  Finn shakes his head while Noah nods, and I can’t help smiling.

  Taelyn walks in and looks at Noah. “Hey, you, did you forget something?”

  He laughs. “I found Mom’s friend.” He turns and looks at me. “Be back.” He jumps down and looks up at Finn. “You stay with her?”

  “Yeah, little man, I will.”

  As soon as they leave, Finn walks over and sits in the chair next to the bed.

  We’re silent for a few minutes before he says, “You should take something for the pain.”

  “Finn …” I begin.

  “No. It’s my kid, too, and well, fuck, Sonya. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He clenches his fists. “I don’t want you to hurt because you’re afraid—”

  “I think that’s why Noah has so many issues, and I don’t want this baby to have the struggles he has. And I don’t even know if it’s a viable pregnancy. I don’t even know how the hell it happened. I’m on the pill, Finn. I take it at the same time every day. I set an alarm as a reminder when I don’t even need a reminder.” I bat away my tears and continue, “I don’t know how it happened.”

  He leans forward and reaches up, swiping his thumb across my face. “I don’t, either, but I can assure you it wasn’t on the plane.”

  I cover my mouth and laugh as I cry.

  He stands up and sits on the side of the bed. “What do you mean by not viable?”

  “I mean I am spotting and it’s so early. I mean anything can happen, so if that’s why you’re trying to be nice when you don’t like me—”

  “I may not like what happened or how shit went down, Sonya. I may be pissed, but that doesn’t change shit. Hasn’t changed since that night. You didn’t kill me, but you sure fucked me six ways to Sunday.” He looks at me and shakes his head. “You’re afraid of me. It took me all of ten minutes to realize why. I’m a little pissed right now, but that doesn’t make me a fucking sociopath. I would never hurt you. Never like he did.”

  “You can’t take my child away from me. If everything is okay,” I squeak and hold my hand over my belly, “you can’t take the baby away from me.”

  He shakes his head. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “I don’t like being away from Noah. I won’t like it any more if you decide to be part of this baby’s life and—”

  “I wouldn’t take a child away from a mother like you. The kid would hate me, I would hate me.” I can’t help feeling relieved. “I hate me for staying away from you, but I don’t know how to deal with you knowing about her and all that shit, Yaya.”

  “Yaya.” I smile.

  “You frustrate the hell out of me, scare me shitless. You have so much power over me and are so incredibly strong. I knew it from the minute I looked at you. And when I told you I love you, I meant it, too.”

  “It can’t be because you think I’m pregnant.” I don’t want him to feel trapped by the situation.

  “Jesus, woman, are you listening to me? I have been in that hallway since the accident. I left to shower early this morning because I couldn’t stand the smell of me, and I sure as hell didn’t want to come in here and gross you out. Before that I had been trying to avoid you, but bathing in my memories of you this entire time … I can’t turn it off, and I don’t want to.”

  “It can’t be because you feel guilty about the accident,” I say, feeling like I don’t deserve him, not after everything.

  “Then let it be about the truth. You sent my father, and the Whites, tickets to the show. No one has ever done something like that, something because they knew it would mean a lot to me. Hell no one, including me would have even known I needed that. Just you. You love me. I see it; I feel it. I love you, and you see and feel the same thing. Let it be about the truth.”

  “I want to believe it.”

  “You’ve know about her the entire time, and you’ve tried to tell me. You wanted me despite it. Until the accident, until I thought I could lose you forever, I didn’t let that set in. I let that insecurity, that lie, almost cost me the only woman who ever loved me the way I love her—a true kind of love.”

  His sincerity is unmistakable and genuine. I can see it and feel it.

  “I want that with you.”

  “Then you’ll have it, and I will, too.” He brings my hand to his mouth and kisses it. “God, I’ve missed you.”

  Noah and Taelyn walk in with a huge basket of flowers.

  “For you, Mom.”

  “Thank you so much,” I say, pulling my hand back from Finn’s lips.

  Noah looks at Finn and then at the bed.

  “Am I in your spot, little man?”

  Noah shrugs and lifts his arms to Finn. “I can sit on your lap.”

  “Sounds good.” Finn grabs him under his arms and helps him up. “This okay with you?”

  Noah grins and nods. “Yes.”

  After her leg is set, she finally agrees to take some pain pills. I leave her and Noah alone when it kicks in.

  I walk down the hall, hearing River’s fucking voice. It’s like listening to a fourth grader playing an electric guitar.

  “Get the fuck out of here! I’m fucking done! Did you hear the fucking surgeon, man? I’m fucked, totally fucked. I can’t feel my goddamned hand! Just get the fuck out!”

  I see Billy and Memphis coming out of his room, then hear metal hit the wood, and a bedpan flies out behind them.

  “Piss off, fuckers! I fucking quit!”

  They both look exasperated and exhausted, their heads hung low. They both look up, though, when they see me approaching.

  “Man, don’t go in there,” Memphis warns. “He’s wrecked.”

  I nod. “Didn’t plan on it.”

  “I fucking hear you, Beckett! Stop being a bitch and face me like a man!” River screams.

  “Changed my mind,” I say as I walk into his room. Face him, I will, and here is as good a place as any ’cause, if I fuck him up, they can put his sorry ass together again.

  He sneers at me and lifts his bandaged arm. It looks like it hurts like a bitch, and I’m glad. “You fucking did this! You are the reason this happened! ‘Take care of the girl.’ Isn’t that what I do for you? Isn’t that what I have always fucking done for you?!”

  “If you’re referring to Jesse, you didn’t take care of shit. She OD’d. She was pregnant with my kid and she died.” I was ready and willing to be the bigger man when I walked in this room, but he’s fucking begging for it.

  “You sure it was your kid? My dick was in her, too, Beckett. My kid could have been growing inside her. Whoever’s it was fucked her up. She was—”

  “You’re all sorts of willing to share that you were fucking my girlfriend now. Why the fuck did you wait six fucking years?” The
person I had walked through hell with had fucking hated me for six years. Six fucking years!

  “You wouldn’t let her get rid of it. I begged her to. She wasn’t ready for a kid anymore than you or I were. She deserved to live her life, but you had to fucking preach to her. Do the right thing? The right thing for who, you or Jesse?!”

  “Six years, River. Six fucking years of lies, you son-of-a-bitch. Six years, I trusted you like a brother, and for six years, you felt this way toward me?”

  “No, motherfucker, I loved you. I felt the same burn inside as you did after losing her. I didn’t know who you were mourning over a pile of coke. I just knew you lost something. When I figured it out, there wasn’t shit I could do about it. But you stand there, judging me—”

  “I intend on doing just that. I wish you the best, but you and I, we are nothing.”

  “Fuck you and fuck the bitch you’re putting it in!”

  I walk out the door and look at Memphis. “Find a replacement or I’m done.”

  “You shitting me? Find a replacement? Motherfucker has a year of therapy and surgeries ahead of him; don’t walk now. He needs you—not me, not Billy; he needs you to tell him you understand, that you—”

  “No Memphis. Find a replacement or I’m out.”

  ***

  I offered to take Noah with me so he could get some rest, but Sonya thought it best he stay where he had the night before—with X and Taelyn. She reminded me that she didn’t want to push anything on him this quickly, and I told her we have nine months to get him used to the idea. I think she took that as we would keep two separate homes and date for a while. She is out of her fucking mind. Regardless, I’ll let her think that for now.

  I hold her all night. She is asleep, passed out, but just being with her brings me peace. The nurses stop complaining when I threaten to get River riled up again.

  Her face is cut up. She has stitches in her hairline, but damn if she isn’t still beautiful.

  She opens her eyes in the middle of the night while I am staring at what was her sleeping face.

  “What are you doing?” she asks, still half out of it.