Everything After

by Melissa Toppen

  “Then what is it? What are we doing here Killian?” I swipe at another tear, growing increasingly weaker, and in turn more frustrated, by the minute.

  “I don't know. I thought we were getting to know each other, having fun.” He shrugs, clearly not sure what he should or should not say.

  “Fun.” I nod slowly, finally accepting that this is what I always feared it was for him. Something fun. Something temporary. Something to pass the time.

  It makes me ill to think that I allowed myself to believe for even one second that maybe this man felt for me even a fraction of what I feel for him. I've been lying to myself since this entire thing began. Convinced myself that I wasn't in this alone, even though deep down I always knew that I was.

  “Nora.” He takes a step towards me.

  “No Killian. Don't.” I pull my arm away when he reaches for me.

  “I can't do this anymore. This...” I gesture between the two of us again. “Is not fun anymore.” I swipe at another tear.

  “Nora please. It was just a kiss. I'm sorry okay. She caught me off guard. I don't know what else to say.”

  “You don't need to say anything Killian.” I start to turn but he latches onto my hand and pulls me back towards him.

  “You're really going to end this over one kiss?” The thought must seem foreign to him because the look he's giving me makes me feel like the biggest drama queen in the world. “Why are making this such a big deal?”

  “You really want to know why it's such a big deal?” I shake his hand off mine, my voice shaking slightly as I speak.

  “Yes, I want to know.” He says, pushing his hair away from his face and letting out a frustrated exhale.

  “Because it was confirmation.” I say, feeling the quiver in my chin with each word I speak.

  “Confirmation of what?” He seems genuinely confused.

  “Confirmation that I love you.” The words are weak when they finally break through. I don't miss the way his eyes widen or the deep inhale he takes the moment the statement leaves my mouth.

  “You...” He stops, clearly trying to process.

  “I am in love with you.” I shrug, having no control over the few tears that manage to break free and streak down my face.

  “Why do you say it like it's a bad thing?” He seems almost hurt by this fact, his voice going soft.

  “Because loving you Killian, is a bad thing. The worst thing actually.” I say, watching his expression change from soft to hard in the matter of a second. “I don't want to love you.” I say, spinning around and quickly walking away.

  Killian makes no attempt to come after me. He makes no attempt to stop me. When I glance back at him just as I round the corner, he's still standing in the same place motionless, his head dropped towards the ground.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Killian

  “Where has Nora been? I feel like I have barely seen her the last two shows.” Aiden says, flopping down on the couch next to me.

  “She's trying to buckle down on her article. I guess she wanted to get some time with crew as well. You know, see how the whole process kind of comes together.” I shrug, giving him the best bullshit excuse I can come up with as to why Nora has opted to spend a good majority of the last few days on the crew bus rather than here with us.

  “Makes sense.” Aiden yawns, stretching his arms above his head before turning back to face me. “You okay man?”

  “Yeah, I'm good. Just trying to get this new song down. I keep snagging on the chorus.” I say, taking my pen and scratching through a line I just wrote in my notebook.

  “You want me to look at it?” He offers.

  “Not yet. Maybe when I get it a little further.” I say, knowing that the minute he sees my work in progress, he is going to know that there is much more to Nora's sparse appearance.

  While the guys are completely aware that Nora witnessed what happened between me and Sidney in Virginia, I have yet to talk to any of them about what happened between me and Nora afterward.

  While I know they suspect something is up, they have been cool enough not to push the issue. It's been only four days and yet, I feel like it's been weeks since I have seen her, months even.

  I miss her.

  I miss how it feels to hold her against my body.

  I miss the feeling of her soft lips on mine.

  I miss her smile.

  I miss listening to her and Gabe bicker.

  I miss watching her and Aiden play chess.

  But more than anything, I miss her laughter. The way it would always bring a smile to my face no matter how shitty I felt.

  It always seemed like despite whatever pressures I was feeling about the tour or just about life in general, Nora made it better, easier. She has this way of pulling me out of my head and distracting me from all the shit I tend to stew on.

  When she admitted she was in love with me... Fuck.

  I don't even know how to explain the various emotions that ran through me. But then finding out that she views loving me as a curse, fucking guts me.

  I still can't seem to shake the bitter after taste that statement has left me with.

  “Did you hear me?” Aiden nudges my arm.

  “Sorry what?” I look up from my notebook to see him staring at me curiously. “Sorry, lost myself for a second.” I manage to smile, hoping it doesn't seem too forced.

  “We're here.” Aiden says, bringing my attention to the fact that the bus has stopped.

  Looking out of the window, I see that we are parked in a private lot behind a large brick building. No doubt the venue we will be playing at.

  “We don't have anything going on today right?” I ask, not able to pinpoint anything we had scheduled before tomorrow night’s show.

  “Not that I'm aware of.” Aiden says just moments before Chet and Kate make their way from the bunk area.

  “We finally here?” Chet stretches, sliding into one of the seats at the table before pulling Kate into his lap.

  “So this is Cleveland.” Kate states, looking out of the window. “Can we go exploring today?” She turns inwards to face Chet. “I've never been to Ohio before.”

  “Sure.” He kisses her nose, the action causing my stomach to twist sourly, though I can't pinpoint why.

  Chet and Kate have always been extremely affectionate and it has never bothered me before. Shaking it off, I notice we are one member short at the moment.

  “Gabe sleeping?” I ask.

  “No, he's not here.” Chet says, throwing me a confused look.

  “Where the hell is he?” I ask.

  “He's on the crew bus with Nora.” Chet says, an air of apology surrounding his words. “I just assumed you knew.”

  “Someone probably said something.” I blow it off, trying to hide the sudden jealously I feel over Gabe getting to spend the last four hours with Nora while I sat here going out of my fucking mind.

  Chet throws me a knowing look but once again, doesn't push it.

  “So I was thinking we could all hit up the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame while we're here.” Chet suggests, changing the subject entirely.

  “Sounds good to me.” Aiden agrees.

  “Killian?” Chet turns back to me.

  “Sure.” I shrug, knowing I have nothing better to fucking do. Unless I plan on sitting here and obsessing over a girl who clearly wants nothing to do with me.

  “I'll check with Gabe and meet up with you guys in say, thirty?” He questions, looking between me and Aiden to make sure neither of us object before he hoists Kate to her feet and grabs her hand, pulling her off of the bus.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Nora

  “You really don't have to hang back with me.” I insist to Gabe, who only shakes his head and smiles.

  “Given a choice between spending the day with a beautiful woman or three dudes, the woman will win every time.” His smile turns into laughter when I shove at him playfully, as we make our way down the sidewalk in downtown Cleveland
.

  “Seriously though, you don't have to babysit me. I'm a big girl.” I insist.

  “I know you are Nora. But I also know that you can use a friend right now and despite what others may say, I actually make a pretty good one in a pinch.” He knocks shoulders with me and laughs again.

  We fall into a comfortable silence as we make our way through the city, only speaking when Gabe asks a question or wants to point something out to me. After a couple of hours, we duck inside a small cafe and order some sandwiches, watching the hustle and bustle of the city pass us by through the large floor to ceiling windows that line the front of the restaurant.

  I have found an unexpected comfort in Gabe. When everyone else was quick to dismiss Killian's actions, Gabe was the one person who came to see if I was okay. Not even Kate, who for good reason did not want to put herself in the middle, has talked to me about it. It's like everyone is completely content existing as if nothing even happened.

  While I am grateful that this hasn't blown up or thrown a wrench into my work, I am also human and honestly, have never felt lower in my life than I did the night Killian let me walk away. I think a part of me had convinced myself he would come after me.

  I mean, I did confess my love to him after all. Certainly if he felt the same way, he would have fought harder, done something to convince me to stay. Instead, he confirmed what I already knew to be true; he never felt about me the way I did him. The thought is heartbreaking but oddly comforting at the same time.

  At least I can walk away knowing I left it all out there. I told Killian how I felt and he didn't feel the same. While it hurts more intensely than any pain I have felt before, I am proud of myself for having the courage to tell him the truth.

  “What are you thinking about?” Gabe cuts into my thoughts as I stare numbly out the window.

  “Nothing.” I give him a weak smile, turning my attention back to him.

  “It didn't look like nothing.” He reaches across the table and gives my hand a squeeze.

  “I was just thinking how strange a path we take to truly get to know someone. It took this situation to show me not only Killian's true colors, but yours as well.” I say, not missing the way he tries to fight his grin. “I can't thank you enough for being here for me Gabe. Truly, I don't know what I would have done over the last few days without you.”

  “That's what friends are for.” He shrugs. “But Nora, you gotta cut Killian some slack. I know he hurt you, but he's not all bad.”

  “And you continue to surprise me.” I joke. “Where is the Gabe that's in constant competition with Killian?”

  “That's just us being dudes.” He laughs. “When push comes to shove, we've always got each other. Killian is my family. No matter what.”

  “You really are something else, you know that? Someday, when you are finished sewing your wild oats, you are going to make one lucky girl very happy.” I laugh when his cocky smile falls into place and he leans back in his chair, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

  “Tell me something I don't already know.” He laughs.

  “And there he is.” I can't stop my own laughter, even though the sound seems somewhat foreign to me.

  “Seriously though Nor, you gotta give Killian some time. It's hard for him to let people in and sometimes it takes him a little longer than others to realize when he's made a mistake.”

  “I don't want to give him time Gabe. I don't want anything from him. This isn't about Killian hurting me, it's about me allowing myself to be hurt. Killian didn't deceive me. He didn't make me any false promises. I knew who he was going in and yet, I let myself do it anyways. It was never going to work, I knew that from the start. I just couldn't stop myself...”

  “From falling in love with him.” Gabe finishes my sentence.

  “Yes.” I confirm, glancing back out of the window, not able to hold his gaze.

  “So what now?” Gabe asks, pulling my attention back to him.

  “Well, the tour ends in eleven days. I guess after that, I go back to my normal life.” I shrug, the thought leaving a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  When this tour started, I couldn't wait to return home. Now, returning home seems as terrifying to me as leaving for the tour did six weeks ago. It feels foreign and uncertain. Of course, it's the thought of never seeing Killian again that scares me the most.

  While I know that getting away from this situation and finally finding my security again is what is best for me, I can't help but feel dread when I think about returning to the life I had before Killian. In some weird way, I almost feel like this tour showed me what it means to live, I mean really live.

  My entire life has been planned, calculated.

  Each move has been executed with complete certainty.

  I have never left anything to chance.

  I have never traveled a road that I didn't know the exact location where I would end up.

  I never let myself know disappointment and heartache.

  Until Killian...

  He has shown me what it means to take a risk. To jump, and for the first time in my life, not know where I might land. He's taught me how to let go, when to hold on, and ultimately that no matter how bad things may seem, that there is always a silver lining.

  Because even though my heart is splitting further and further with each day that passes, he taught me one of the most important things of all... How incredible it feels to open yourself up to love. To feel the intensity and passion behind every touch and every word.

  ****

  I spend the remainder of the afternoon exploring Cleveland with Gabe. By the time we return to the bus, it's already after six. Since the others aren't back from the Hall of Fame yet, Gabe and I decide to play a hand of cards.

  One hand turns into two, which turns into three, so on and so on. At this point, I have completely lost track of how many games we have played but one thing I know for sure, I have won every single one so far.

  “Bullshit.” Gabe slams down another hand when I hit him with four of a kind. He has only a pair of Kings and like all the hands before, his defeat is clear. “You're cheating.” He playfully accuses.

  “Really?” I cock my head to the side at him. “I'm pretty sure I beat you the last time we played too.” I remind him, the thought of Texas bringing with it more memories of Killian.

  Shaking it off, I try to refocus on Gabe. “I think you are just incredibly bad at cards.” I joke, my laughter falling away the moment the door to the bus opens.

  “What the hell is going on in here?” Chet jokes, stepping on board, Kate trailing in behind him.

  “She's beat me at least twenty times in row.” Gabe lets out a frustrated growl. “No one is that damn lucky.”

  “Not luck, skill.” I nod my head, laughing when he crosses his arms in front of his chest and huffs.

  “Awe Gabe. You poor baby. Is Nora beating the shit out of you at cards? Do you need Mama Kate to tell her to take it easy on you?” She laughs half way through her baby voice and reaches over, patting Gabe on the top of his head.

  “Shut it Kate.” Gabe bites down on his lip ring, meeting me with determined eyes. “Rematch.” He smiles, clearly dead set on beating me at least once.

  “Always the glutton for punishment.” I hear Killian's voice before I see him. My stomach immediately goes into knots before his face even comes into view.

  The moment his gaze settles on me, heat rushes to my cheeks and I look back down at the cards on the table. Just looking into those intense eyes makes my body feel like I am being branded by a hot iron. It's a pain that is unbearable and yet, completely unavoidable.

  “You two seem awfully cozy.” Killian steps past Chet and Kate before flopping down on the couch across from us.

  “Don't be an ass man. We're just playing cards.” Gabe starts to reshuffle the deck, ignoring Killian's glare.

  “Come on Kate, it's getting late.” Chet excuses them to the back, leaving us alone with Killian.

>   “Where's Aiden?” Gabe flips his eyes in Killian's direction, clearly just trying to put a nail in the tension that seems to have settled over the three of us.

  “He's with Sean.” Killian shrugs, giving no further information.

  “How was the Hall of Fame?” He asks, after dealing each of us five cards.

  “You would know if you had gone. Why didn't you go anyways?” Killian cocks his head at Gabe and as much as I try, I can't help but flip my eyes towards him.

  There's an anger there, a spitefulness I didn't expect. It's clear to see that for whatever reason, he has a huge issue with me and Gabe hanging out. Which honestly, only serves to confuse me even more.

  “We went sightseeing.” Gabe says, laying two cards down and drawing two more.

  “Did you now?” Killian continues to be cryptic as his angry glare burns holes in the side of my face.

  “You got something to say man?” Gabe tosses down his cards and spins towards Killian.

  “What are you getting all riled up for?” Killian holds his hands up in front of himself.

  “Don't play stupid with me Killian. I fucking know you.” Gabe spits. “If you have a problem with me and Nora hanging out, why don't you just say it.” He challenges.

  “I never said I had a problem.” Killian's tone is dark and sends uneasiness straight through me.

  “You know what.” I toss my cards down as well. “If you are trying to make me completely fucking crazy, you're doing a stellar job.” I push myself out of my chair, not missing Killian's shocked expression before I turn and walk away.

  It takes a lot to get me so riled up, especially enough to drop such language. But I just can't sit there and let him stare at me like I am doing something wrong.

  Climbing into my bunk, I throw my ear buds in and try to let the music sounding through my head, calm my shaking hands and rapid heart. How dare him. It's hard enough loving someone who doesn't love you back. But to have to sit there and have him taunt me and Gabe for no reason, is just plain wrong on so many levels.

  What the fuck is his problem?