The Stainless Steel Rat for President ssr-5

by Harry Harrison

  Chapter 29

  It was only fair to let the marqu6z have the big picture ahead of the rest of the world. He was kicking fitfally at the shattered remains of the rt. set when I handed him the computer printout.

  “The answer to all our problems is right here in the constitution,” I said. “Read this.” He did, with patient attention, word for word. And as he did so his scowl faded away, to be replaced by a wider and wider grin until, at the very end, he burst into a roar of laughter, hurled the printout away and seized me in a bearlike embrace.

  “You are a genius, a genius I say!” I did not want to argue, although I did writhe in his grip and eventually managed to escape, but only after he had kissed me fervently on both cheeks. There are some cultures I will never understand. I was so involved in this little drama that Angelina’s voice on the radio was a welcome interruption.

  “The convoy is on the grounds now and inside the defense perimeter,” she said. “The tapes will be here in a few minutes.” “Wonderful! The marquez and I will slip into our best uniforms so we can fire the final shot after the recordings are played. “ We all gathered in the library before the big projection TV. The interrupter link to the satellites was set up and ready to go at the press of a button-and I held the button in my hand. The camera was pointed at me as I stood beside the bound edition of the planetary constitution, my fingertips resting reverently upon the open page. The TV screen was filled with scenes of repulsive enthusiasm as Zapilote’s followers indulged in an orgy of self-congratulation. The sound was turned down to a mutter, since looking at this nonsense was bad enough.

  “You can turn that off any time you like,” Angelina said.

  163 “I can, and I will, because I can’t take too much of it either. But the Happy Buzzard himself will be sure to speak, and I would love to break in then. Wait-this could be it! Will someone kindly turn up the sound.” The announcer was writhing in an orgasm of pleasure, sweating profusely as he pointed off-camera. “... yes, I do believe it is happening. Pandemonium fills the hall as this celestial being who has sacrificed himself so much in the past does us the honor of running again for head of state. He is stepping forward now, the crowd goes wild, weak women faint and strong men have tears in their eyes. He raises his hand for silence and silence instantly falls, the only sounds now the expectant panting (rf his followers and the thud-thud of a few more women fainting. Ladies and gentlemen, citizens of Paraiso-Aqui, it is my everlasting pleasure to introduce to you General-President Julio Zapilote!” The screen filled with Happy Buzzard’s loathsome features, made even more loathsome for being seen on the large screen. The rat-trap mouth chomped a bit before the slimy syllables rattled forth.

  “I expected no less from you faithful voters. The election is over and you have done your duty and voted in the correct manner. We have heard the last of that criminal Hector Harapo...” I pressed the button and his image was instantly replaced with mine.

  “The last? You treacherous little lying louse, the fight has yet to be joined! Do you think you can cheat the voters of this fair world by dropping their sacred votes out of the bottom of your crooked voting machines in order to substitute your own illegal results? It shall not be so. You are condemned out of your own mouth. Justice will be done! In your greed you have committed the serious crime that will lay you low. The world will now watch as we take you to the little town of Tortosa, The time, as you can see by the clock in the town hall, is just a few minutes after the polls closed earlier today...” My form did a slow dissolve to be replaced by the town square. James was doing the voice-over.

  “The polls are now closed and the citizens of Tortosa are gathering to hear the results. For some reason, perhaps because they are Zapilote supporters, the mayor and the chief of police tried to slip out of town a few minutes ago when they thought they were not being watched. The chief of police is still unconscious, but the mayor is dying to talk to us.” The mayor looked decidedly unhappy as he faced the camera, but Rodriguez’s grim presence at his shoulder guaranteed his cooperation.

  “Please tell us. Mister Mayor, was the voting orderly and were all the votes carefully recorded in the voting machine?” “Yes, of course, all was in order.” He looked up in concern as the square behind him began to fill with people.

  “Will you please tell us, since you are mayor of Tortosa, are these the citizens of your fine town who are gathering here?” “Yes, most of them I suppose. I can’t be sure...” “You can’t be sure? And you have been mayor-for how long?” “Twenty-two years.” “Then you should know these people by sight.” “I can’t be sure of all of them.” “You can’t? Will you then point out any strangers?” “There are none that I’m sure of, that I can see.” “Well, we must be sure. Ahh, here is the chief of police now. I’m sure that he can help us. Please tell the audience, chief, how long have you lived in Tortosa?” “Well... all my life.” Most reluctantly. “Good. Then do you see any strangers here?” He looked around and even more reluctantly said that he didn’t.

  “Very good,” James said. “We are just in time for the big event-the election returns are coming in. As a public service the loudspeakers will be turned on so that everyone present can hear the results.” The mayor and the chief of police seemed to shrink inside their clothes when they heard the outcome of the election. When the vote for Tortosa was announced they stirred in panic, but Rodriguez stepped forward and they grew still again. Behind them the good voters of Tortosa roared in protest.

  “Did you hear that?” James’s voice asked. “Could something be wrong? Just two votes for Sir Hector Harapo-and every other vote for Zapilote. Let us find out for ourselves.” A switch was thrown and his voice boomed from all of the loudspeakers. “Good people of Tortosa, this is the representative of Sir Hector speaking. He is of the belief that the repulsive swine of a general-president has thrown your votes away, that the voting machines are crooked, that Zapilote is cheating you out of your representation on this ballot. Let us discover the truth. Will every person here who voted for Sir Hector Harapo please raise his or her hand. Thank you.” Silence filled the square as the hands went up. Slowly, firmly, proudly. A sea of hands. An uplifting demonstration of the truth.

  “Very good. Thank you. Will you please lower your hands. Now I ask for the hands of those who voted for Zapilote.” All of the hands dropped. Not one hand lifted. Yes, one, two hands, as the mayor and the chief hesitantly raised their palms. James’s voice was jubilant.

  “There you have it, people of Paraiso-Aqui. Proof positive of the crime of disfranchisement. All of the people of this town, with two verminous exceptions, have been deprived of their vote. We have positive proof that in Tortosa the voting was fixed. The wrong man won.” I signaled and the camera came back on me. I pointed gravely at the massive tome beside me.

  “A crime has been committed. A crime that you will find reference to on page nine thousand and three of the sacred constitution of this planet. The wording of clause seventynine on this page is clear, painfully clear. I will read it to you.” I raised a copy of the clause and read from it in my most impressive and sonorous voice.

  “Due to the nature of electronic voting and due to the necessity of assuring that the voting is always recorded with utmost accuracy and due to the invisibility of the votes once they have been recorded in the voting machine, it is hereby ordained that strictest controls and regulations must be observed as stated in paragraph nineteen, subsection forty of the voting act, and as further guarantee of the surety of the votes it shall be declared and enacted that if it be proven beyond doubt that the recoird of votes in a single voting machine during a presidential ballot be proven to be substantially altered, then that presidential ballot shall be declared null and void, and all of the ballots cast in that election shall be declared null and void. It is furthermore required that two weeks after this declaration of nullity there shall be another ballot and this ballot will be potentiated using the original system of paper ballots and ballot boxes and the winne
r of this election will be declared President and he shall instigate an investigation of the voting machines before their next use in any election.” I placed the paper reverently back upon the constitution, then turned slowly to the camera. In a serious and ominous voice I spoke.

  “I therefore declare this election null and void. In two weeks’ time there will be another election. At that timemav thp hp. [it man win

  Chapter 30

  “Cut,” Angelina said, and there were shouts of joy from all present.

  “You have done it,” she wid, and kissed my cheek above the fuzz line. “And you have taken care of all of the voters of Tortosa as well.” “Absolutely. For our sake, as well as theirs, they are now settling down in their bedrolls in the tents outside. Safe from any retaliations from Zapilote’s creatures. They will remain for the two weeks until the next election and will be handsomely paid for their little vacation. All of them seemed to enjoy the idea.” “He will ignore us,” de Torres said gloomily. “He will pay no heed to the demand for another election. He has the power to do this.” “He dare not,” I said. “It would ruin the planet’s economy. Without the import of ofiworld currency his corrupt and incompetent administration would be bankrupt in a week. I have sent full details on the election to every planet supplying tourists to this world. They will be watching the result with close attention.” “Then we have won!” de Torres said, striking a victorious pose, “Not yet,” I told him. “We have still to fight the battle of the ballot boxes. But this time we will be ready. For every dirty trick he knows I know three. It will be a conflict every step of the way, but at least now we stand a chance.

  It was a very busy two weeks. The official ballot boxes were manufactured and sealed under the ‘strictest supervision. But we had little trouble extracting a sample from their warehouse in order to go into the ballot-box business for ourselves. We did the same thing with the ballots, and very quickly had printed as many as had the government presses. I didn’t know what kind of dirty tricks they would be trying, 168 so we had to be ready for everything and anything that might come our way.

  Nor were we being tardy on the organizational front. Jorge, once a tourist guide and now in charge of our recruiting campaign, had flying squads visiting every polling district. Local volunteers were formed into secret committees, then issued with scrambler radios so we could be in constant touch with all of them. Campaign brochures poured forth from printing presses right around the planet, and we saw to it that there were two news bulletins on radio and television every night. First came the lying government one-then ours followed immediately afterwards. We kept the news factual and accurate and free of political bias. That was enough-it was a breath of fresh air after the drivel that had proceeded it. We knew that their technicians were doing everything they could to jam or trace our signals. To no ayail. Freedom of information had come to the planet. If the ballot could be kept relatively honest Zapilote’s regime was surely doomed.

  We had real proof of this when the government car approached our perimeter defenses on day eleven, just three days before the election. It was stopped by the guards who put a call through to me.

  “Excuse me. Sir Hector, but the party in the car will speak to no one but you.” “What’s the security status?” “Detectors reveal only small arms. No bombs, no radiation devices of any kind. One passenger in the back, a driver and guard in the front.” “Sounds good so far. Who is the passenger?” “We can’t tell. The windows are opaqued.” “Let them through. I don’t think we’ll have any trouble looking after them.” Nor did we. The car was stopped among the trees well away from the castle. Rodriguez and Bolivar had a squad with them; they had the two men who were in the front of the car disarmed and whisked away within seconds. I strolled into sight and looked at the dark windows. I was quite relaxed, possibly because of my superior combat ability, but truthfully because of the portable force field generator that protected me.

  “You can come out now,” I said.

  The door slowly opened and Zapilote poked his head through, then climbed down.

  “What an unexpected pleasure,” I said.

  “None of that nonsense, Harapo. I’m here to talk business.” He reached behind him in the car and removed a metal box. When he turned back with it in his hand my pistol was trained between his little beady eyes.

  “Put that away, you moron,” he snarled. “I’m not here to try to kill you.” He threw a switch on the box and it began to hum loudly. “This is a white noise generator. It blacks out any kind of recording equipment and sets up air tremor patterns that make photography and lipreading impossible. I want no record of this conversation to exist. “ “Fine by me.” I put the gun away. “What do you want?” “A deal. You’re the only person in a hundred and seventy years that eyer gave me a fight. I appreciate that. It was getting kind (n boring.” “Not to the people you had beaten to death. “ “None of that liberal hogwash for the masses. There are just the two of us here now. You don’t care about the microcephalic mob any more than I do...” “What makes you say that?” The conversation was beginning to get interesting.

  “Because you are a politician, that’s why. The only thing politicians care about is getting elected, then re-elected. You have stood up to me and made your point. It’s now time for us to get together and make a deal. I’m not going to live forever, you know...” “That’s the best news I have heard yet!” He ignored me and pressed on.

  “My geriatric shots aren’t having the same effect that they used to. I may have to retire one of these days. So I’m thinking of bringing someone along to take my place. And that person is you. How’s that for an offer?” He started to cough and had to grope in his pocket for a pill. It was a great offer. On his terms it was incredible indeed. He had built a political machine and had taken over the planet completely. And he was offering me a share in it-and a future of controlling it. It was a magnificent offer. “And what will I have to trade off for this job?” “Don’t be stupid. You lose the election. You take a dive. And after that you stay in politics in opposition to me. Everyone thinks that you are the greatest thing since they invented sex, so all the bleeding-heart liberals flock to your cause. You organize them and see that they don’t do any harm. Of course you let us know who the real revolutionaries are so we can dispose of them. This system will last a thousand years. It’s a deal, right?” “Wrong. And I know that I am going to have a job explaining to you exactly why. You see I believe in the one man one vote system...” “Ha, ha!” “Equality before the law... “ “Come off it!” “Free speech, habeas corpus, no taxation without representation ...” “Do you have a fever, Harapo? Just what the hell are you talking about?” “I said that you wouldn’t understand. So let me put it on your terms. I want all the loot and I want it now. I want all the money, all the power, all the women. I intend to kill anyone who gets in my way. Do you understand?” Zapilote sighed and nodded . his head and snuffled. “I’m an old man and I get emotional when I hear talk like that. Reminds me of me at your age. I need you on my team, Harapo. Say you’ll join me!” “I’ll kill you first.” “Really wonderful. Just what I would have done.” He turned and climbed slowly back into the car. Before he closed the door he looked at me again, sighed and shook his head. “I can’t wish you good luck. But I can say that meeting you has been a great emotional experience. I know that after I go my work will be carried on by someone who understands me, who thinks like I do.” The door slammed and I signaled for the return of the other two men. I watched as they climbed in, then drove away.

  “What was all that about?” Bolivar asked.

  “He offered me the world. A partnership now, and the whole works after he was dead.” “You said yes?” “My dear son! I may be a crook but I’m not a criminal. It’s the Zapilotes in this universe who have to go. The little men with the big contempt for mankind. I may rob a man of his wealth but I would never take away his life or his freedom. In fact I don’t rob people of their wealth. I rob corporations, compan
ies, those bloated and insensate creatures that lock up nllT. ~UPll~ “Dad-I’ve heard the lecture.” “Right. Let’s get back to the castle. I want to wash my hands and get a drink. I don’t like the company I have just been keeping.”

  Chapter 31

  I was up at the crack of dawn on election day, breathing deeply of the morning air just as the sun popped over the horizon.

  “Aren’t we being energetic so early?” Angelina said, opening one eye to look at the clock, and not liking what she saw.

  “This is not the time for slugabeds! History is being made today-and I’m the one who is making it.” “I can’t face all that ego so early in the morning.” She pulled the blankets over her head. “Go away,” she muffled.

  I hummed happily to myself as I trotted down the stairs. The marqu6z was breaking his fast on the patio and I joined him there.

  “History is being made today,” he said.

  “I just said the same thing myself.” We raised our coffee cups and drank a toast to victory. Bolivar and James soon joined us, and by the time the polls opened at nine we were already in contact with our teams in the field.

  Within three minutes we had a dozen cries for help. Our poll watchers were being beaten up, two of them had been shot, and four fake voting registers had been discovered. I had expected no less. We did what we could, but our forces were small and thinly spread. And the decision had already been taken to concentrate our strength on the large cities. Our most important weapon was the oflworld newsmen. When word of the canceled and fraudulent election had gone out to the planets, great interest had been aroused. A few of the big planetary networks had sent their reporters, but most of them had not had the time to make the arrangements. Therefore most of the newsmen were freelancers, forty-three of them in all.