He looked in the mirror and concentrated on shaving, because that was something he could control. And it was important to get a handle on something when it felt like his personal life was in free fall. Make that free fall minus one.
Mia was doing great. She’d taken the news of the shift change surprisingly well. Actually she’d shown very little emotion when Casey broke the news. With the mature woman who made sure Mia made it home, started her homework and didn’t have wild parties or watch inappropriate movies on TV, the kid’s life was very much together.
“One out of two Deckers is still fifty percent,” he said to his reflection. He grabbed a towel and wiped traces of shaving cream from his face before shaking his head at the sad-eyed fool looking back. “Pathetic loser.”
With a towel around his waist he walked past the bed. His chest felt tight as memories of lying there with Casey washed over him. They’d been as close as a man and woman could be, sharing their bodies and bits of their souls. Since she had gone and no longer shared a part of his space, even time with Mia had been lonely and empty.
“Damn.” He clenched his fingers into his palm, wanting to put his fist through a wall as angry frustration expanded inside him.
Deliberately turning his back on the bed, he walked into the closet and pulled out a black suit, a charcoal shirt and a gray-on-gray silk tie. The professional business attire was somber and funeral-like, which was appropriate since he couldn’t shake the feeling that someone he cared very much about was lost to him.
There was a knock on the bedroom door, followed by Mia’s voice. “Uncle Blake?”
“Just a minute,” he called out. What was her problem?
He pulled on boxers, slacks and the shirt, buttoning it as he walked to the door and opened up. “Why aren’t you on your way to school?”
“I missed the bus.” Wide and not-so-innocent eyes stared back at him.
“Darn it, Mia. You had plenty of time. I’m running late for court.”
“I could stay home from school today,” she offered.
“No. Why did you miss the bus?” he asked.
“I had to come back.”
“What for?” he demanded.
“I had a paper. But when I came back, Frankie—”
He held up a hand to stop her. “Don’t even tell me the dog ate your homework.”
“Why not?” Mia held up tattered sheets of notebook paper. “She ate your computer.”
The one he’d forgotten to close up because thoughts of Casey had pushed everything else out of his mind. “Don’t blame the dog. You’re the one who’s supposed to put things where she can’t get at them.”
“It’s not my fault,” she protested. “The new chick put my stuff in the wrong place.”
“Her name is Barbara and I’m not sure that having your things in a different spot is an adequate defense.”
“Whatever.”
There was a word he hadn’t heard in a while. “Is that kid-speak for, ‘you didn’t look for your backpack, to put your homework in it’?”
“It took me too long to find my school shirt. Friday is spirit day and we have to wear the one with the school logo. If Casey was here, it would have been where I could find it.”
If Casey were here, a lot of things would be better, but that ship had sailed. “Then from now on we’ll have to make sure everything is together the night before.”
“I’m hungry.” Her voice was just this side of a whine, which grated on his last nerve.
“Did you eat breakfast?”
“There’s nothing good.”
“You better be wrong. I pay a housekeeper a lot of money to stock the pantry and prepare meals.”
“There’s just cereal.” She heaved a huge, long-suffering sigh. “When Casey was here, she made me eggs and Mickey Mouse pancakes with chocolate chips for eyes and a mouth.”
Blake glanced at the clock and struggled for patience. “How about we make some of those tomorrow? It’s the weekend and it’ll be a fun thing to do together.”
Mia nodded but was still making a frowny face. “But I’m still hungry now.”
He knew she was being deliberately difficult, and wanted to shake her. Casey would have told him that rattling his cage was Mia’s endgame and not to fall for it. He was doing his best, but the strategy would have been easier to stick to if Casey was here for backup. He felt as if he were walking a tightrope over the Grand Canyon and working without a net.
“Why don’t you make yourself a peanut butter sandwich? You can eat it in the car on the way to school.”
“Eat in the Benz?” she said. “Since when?”
“Since you need a ride to school.”
“I thought you didn’t have time.”
“I don’t,” he agreed. “But you have to get to school. I’ll work it out.”
“You wouldn’t have to if Casey was here—”
“But Casey isn’t here.” Blake’s voice was louder than he’d intended and Mia’s eyes grew wider as she backed up a step.
Blake looked down as he put his hands on his hips. He blew out a long breath, and when the haze of annoyance-fueled anger disappeared, there was a glimmer of understanding in its place. He looked at the girl, who was nervously biting the inside of her bottom lip.
“Look, Mia…” He tried to picture Casey dealing with this situation. There would be honesty, tough love and a little humor tossed in to take the sting out of it. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, even though you deserved it.”
“Me?” She pressed a palm to her thin chest. “I forgot stuff. Do you want me to get a zero for homework? It was an honest mistake and you’re acting like I did drugs or had sex.”
He wanted to recoil in horror at the words but held tough because Casey had taught him not to react to the kid’s tactics. “You’re smart and capable and organized.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Look, kid, I’m an attorney. Last time I checked, stupidity wasn’t a legal defense. You know better. And both of us are aware that you know better. I’m not as dense as you think.”
“Oh, yeah?”
He had her on the run. It was time to get to the heart of what was really going on here. “This is about something else that’s out of your control, isn’t it?”
“That’s just stupid.”
Translation: he was on the right track. “No, it’s not. You miss Casey, don’t you?”
It wasn’t so much that he was a mind reader or even an especially intuitive guy. He knew because he missed Casey, too. Her absence left an all-encompassing emptiness, which just couldn’t be filled with work or parenting or even the general business of life.
Mia stared at him with a resentment he hadn’t seen for a while, but now it didn’t work. Full lips trembled as her big turquoise eyes filled with tears. “Why did she leave us?”
Blake pulled her into his arms and murmured reassuring words as he rubbed her back. “I know how you feel.”
With her cheek on his chest, Mia nodded. Fortunately she didn’t ask how he knew, because he’d have to be honest and he couldn’t go there now. The girl’s arms slid around his waist and that felt pretty good. It was the only thing about this day that did. When she stopped crying and stepped away, she rubbed a finger beneath her nose.
“Why did you let her go, Uncle Blake?”
“I didn’t let her. She quit.”
“Why?”
“She thinks you and I are having trouble being a family. She didn’t want to get in the way of that.”
Mia’s red-rimmed eyes looked troubled. “Why would she think that?”
“It’s complicated,” he finally said.
She sniffled. “I told her I was sorry for being a brat.”
“It’s not your fault.” She nodded, but he could tell she didn’t quite believe the words. “Now, go make your sandwich and I’ll drive you to school.”
Without another word, she turned and headed toward the kitchen. Blake finished dressing.
No
one was at fault for what had happened except him. He’d finally found a woman who was more interesting to him than anything, someone worth leaving work for, the one who was waiting for him to come home. And he realized the truth: he was in love with Casey and had pushed her away. Some misguided sense of guilt about Mia had convinced him he had to choose. But his niece’s behavior just now convinced him that she loved Casey, too.
And he’d let her go.
If he’d told her how he felt that day in his office, there might have been a chance for them. But now she wouldn’t believe him; she would think he was using her for Mia, for his own selfish purpose. He’d never be able to convince her that he needed her. From the beginning, the one thing they’d agreed on was that trust was hard to come by.
That fact didn’t inspire confidence in his ability to get her to believe he was no longer anti-relationship.
Blake’s career choice involved keeping his cool when the people around him were losing theirs. Since Mia had come to live with him, his emotions had been on a roller coaster, and he wasn’t sure why he’d expected today to be any different. But he had and it wasn’t.
He’d gotten a call from Mia’s new nanny, who was freaking out because the kid hadn’t come home from school on the bus. He had figured out she was upset about losing Casey, but had underestimated her emotions yet again.
He’d been canceling the rest of his appointments for the day when Ginger Davis had called to let him know Mia was with her. Now he was on his way up to her penthouse across the street from Fashion Show Mall. This felt a lot like coming full circle, except for the fact that Casey wouldn’t be there.
After ringing the bell, he waited just a moment before Ginger opened the door. As always she looked stylish in a deep olive-green-colored crepe pantsuit.
“Hello, Mr. Decker,” she said. “Please come in.”
“Thanks. Where’s Mia?”
“In my office.” When he started to walk past her, she put a hand on his arm. “Don’t be too hard on her.”
“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t ground her until she’s thirty-five.”
“For one thing you’d never make that penalty stick.” She smiled. “And you need to know that she came to me because she wants to see Casey and figured I would know how to find her.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
“Then tell me where she is,” he wanted to say. But he didn’t. Casey had turned her back on Mia and him. “I’m aware that Mia misses Casey very much. But I had no idea she would do a disappearing act yet again. There have to be consequences.”
“And rightly so,” Ginger agreed. “I just think you should listen to her before handing down a harsh sentence.”
He was feeling pretty raw right now and the kid wasn’t the only reason for it. “I’ll take it under advisement.”
Ginger nodded. “Follow me.”
She led him to her office, a very female space, with its glass-topped desk, pale yellow walls and floral print-covered love seat.
Mia stood when she saw him. “Uncle Blake, I—”
He pointed at her. “You’re in so much trouble, young lady.”
“I know. It’s just that I had to do something.”
“Do you have any idea how frantic I’ve been since Barbara called?” He studied the contrite expression on his niece’s freckled face, and somewhere in his anger-drenched mind, it registered as sincere. “You’re grounded from all electronic devices you now own and any that you ever hope to have in the future.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? No argument?” He hadn’t expected it to be that easy.
“I deserve it.” She folded her arms at her waist, as if she were hugging herself. “I knew you’d be mad, but it was a chance I had to take. I need to talk to Casey.”
“Why?” he asked. “What’s so important that it is worth losing your gadgets for the rest of your life?”
“It’s my fault Casey left.”
“What? Why?”
“I was mean to her,” Mia confessed.
There had to be more. Casey had been a soldier, trained to take orders even when no one said please. Obviously she was sensitive, the most caring person he’d ever known. But she wasn’t thin-skinned when it came to dealing with kids.
“Tell me what happened,” he suggested.
“It was the night you came home from work to take me to dinner and a movie after my punishment was lifted.” Mia glanced up at him without quite meeting his gaze. “I—I didn’t think you’d keep your promise.”
Yeah, he deserved that. “Go on.”
“I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, but it’s the way things were.” It was good she’d used the past tense. “I was so happy to see you and I might have said that you didn’t care about her.”
Might have?
“What did you tell her exactly, Mia?” Ginger asked.
The kid glanced at Ginger, who was sitting behind her desk. “I was afraid Uncle Blake loved her more. I—I said something about her not being family. Not like he and I are family.”
“I see.” Ginger’s tone was quiet, nonjudgmental.
Blake felt like he was suddenly groping his way around, because his vision was fuzzy. “Why would you say something like that to her?”
“I don’t know. It’s just…” She looked sad and miserable. “I wanted you to love me.”
The words were like a punch to the chest and he pulled the girl into his arms. “I do love you, Mia,” he said quietly.
“I know. And I’m sorry about coming here without saying anything, but I just wanted to tell Casey that I’m sorry.”
“Your heart is in the right place, kid. It’s your communication skills we have to work on.”
“Yeah.” She giggled and nodded.
“Mia,” Ginger said, “would you mind waiting in the other room while I speak with your uncle?”
“Sure.” Mia looked up at him. “Is that okay?”
“Sure.” He kissed the top of her head. “I worry because I love you. I’ve had my quota of worry for one day, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t take off, like the last time we were here.”
“I can do that if you’ll let me keep just my iPod while I’m grounded.”
“No.” He grinned. “But that was a nice try. You’ve got some negotiation skills going on.”
“It was worth a shot, but I wouldn’t run away. I’m not that stupid kid anymore.”
“Darn right. You’re my kid,” he said.
“I love you, Uncle Blake.”
The words left him with a lump in his throat, so he touched his heart and pointed at her. She smiled, then said, “Maybe you can talk Miss Davis into telling us where Casey is.”
“Are you going to ground her?” Ginger asked after the girl had left the room.
“I’ll probably give her a suspended sentence.” He turned to look at her. “I wonder if Casey has any idea how much she’s hurt Mia.”
“Mia? Or you?”
“That’s ridiculous.” But the words had struck a chord somewhere in the region of his heart.
Ginger folded her hands and rested them on her desk. “I think you’re in love with Casey.”
“I’m nothing more than the guy who signed her paycheck,” he said, wincing at the bitterness in his voice, even though he’d already figured that out. “Have you talked to Casey?”
“Yes.”
“How is she?” He wanted her to be fine and not fine. He wanted to know that she missed him the same way he missed her.
“She’s doing as well as can be expected,” Ginger answered cautiously.
All he heard was that she was doing well and something twisted in his chest. “That’s because she’s the one who walked away.”
“Casey cares deeply about you.”
He met her gaze and knew the cynicism in his soul showed in his expression. “That’s hard to believe. You don’t run away from the ones you love.”
“Do you know what happened to Casey
when she was overseas?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“She had two reasons for walking out on you, Blake. The first concerns the trauma she experienced. You know that she saw her friends blown apart. And she believes it was her fault. Because she took an interest in a kid who used her.”
“She told me,” he said.
“Then you also know that her best friend’s death left two small children motherless and that Casey blames herself for tearing that family apart.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you get that she won’t be responsible for ruining another family? One that’s just getting on its feet?”
“But she brought us together,” he protested. “If not for her, we would be strangers living under the same roof.”
“Did you tell her that?”
“I tried, but—”
“That brings me to the second reason,” Ginger said. “She won’t be made a fool of.”
“I wouldn’t do that.”
“Not on purpose.” Ginger picked up a pen and rolled it between her fingers. “But she let someone in once and it cost her plenty. I will not let you call her a coward. She’s an extraordinarily courageous woman who would sacrifice herself for the ones she loves. Walking away from you and Mia was her doing that. She would give up her life, but risking her heart is so much harder.”
“You think it’s easy for me?”
He remembered what Casey had said about his career revolving around destroying relationships. His law practice had actually become more successful following his own divorce, and now he knew that was a result of channeling his bitterness into his business. He was a hotshot attorney who thrived on being alone, but after Casey all he had was loneliness. He could feel himself withering. Suddenly he was tired, weary clear to his soul. And he didn’t want to be alone.
“I would never deliberately hurt her,” he said. “But I don’t know if I can convince her of that.”
“Did you make an attempt?” Ginger’s expression was kind, sympathetic, and it was as if she’d read his mind. “There’s no shame in failing, Blake. Only in failing to try.”
“She’s not the only one with baggage,” he pointed out. “And I’m not accustomed to losing.”
The Nanny and Me Page 17
