Cinderella Screwed Me Over

by Cindi Madsen

  Tina studied the picture. “Like yea big”—she held out her hands—“with a skinny hole to place the cherry blossoms?”

  “Exactly.”

  “No worries. You front me the money to get the supplies, and I can have them done in a few weeks.”

  “Really?” Stephanie shrieked. “That’s just the best news!” She pulled me into a hug. “You’re the best! You don’t even believe in marriage and you’re still fixing mine.”

  “I’m fixing your reception,” I said. “You’re going to have to do all the work on the marriage.”

  “Don’t ruin my mood, Darby. Everything’s perfect and I’m happy.” Steph jostled me. “Just be happy with me.”

  I smiled and acted excited, too. I’d learned to never argue with a bride before her wedding.

  Rapunzel Case Study: Ralph/The Prince

  My Age: 23

  There are several princes who remain unnamed in fairy tales. It’s like all they had to do was be a prince to make the girl happy. Sometimes, though, if you get desperate enough, anyone will do. I’m sure Rapunzel felt that way. When you’ve been locked in a tower all your life, you take what you can get.

  I hadn’t been locked in a tower, but I’d landed point on my first account. I threw myself into my work to make sure I didn’t screw it up. I hardly left my office; my hair was long and ratty because I was in desperate need of a trim. On top of everything else, I was trying to help Mom as she helped Devin and his fiancée, Anne, plan their wedding.

  After dating Anne all through college, Devin asked her to marry him. Back when they’d first started planning the wedding, I’d been dating Charlie, so I’d sent back the RSVP card for both of us. I guess Anne and Devin never got the memo about my breakup.

  When I informed Anne the Saturday before her wedding that I was going to be dateless, she exploded. Everything was planned, food had been ordered, and she wanted me to have a date. I would’ve taken Stephanie, but the reason she wasn’t coming in the first place was she was flying to Florida to see her grandparents.

  Later that night, I took Devin aside. “How am I going to find a date for next weekend? It’s not like you go pick one up at a grocery store. And when did Anne get so crazy?”

  Devin peeked around the corner, then leaned in. “It’s the wedding stuff. It makes girls go crazy. It’s enough to scare the crap out of a guy, you know.”

  I smiled. “So, what you’re saying is she’s acting like a girl about her wedding?”

  He scowled at me. “It’s not funny, Darby. Just find a date so she’s happy. I’ve never asked you for much, but—”

  “You ask me for stuff constantly. You’ve still got half my CD collection.”

  “Hon? Where are you?” Anne walked into the kitchen. She narrowed her eyes at Devin and me huddled together. “What’s going on?”

  Devin looked at her, panic flashing across his face. “Um, Darby was saying she knows a guy she can bring.”

  My jaw dropped. He totally threw me under the bus! The crazy-bride bus.

  Anne’s face lit up. “Oh good. I know it seems strange that I care about stuff like that, but I’ve been so stressed and I just want everything to be perfect.”

  Devin walked over and put his arms around her. “Of course you do. You deserve the best.”

  They started kissing, so I left the room, wondering how I was going to scrounge up a date. Asking a guy to go to a wedding with you isn’t exactly like asking him to dinner or the movies. To a guy, it’s the equivalent of saying, Hey, I want to marry you someday, so let’s go see how another couple does it.

  Not wanting to risk ruining Devin and Anne’s special day, my top priority became getting a date. Steph and Jimmy Delfino were hot and heavy yet again, so when I got really desperate, I asked him if he had any single friends.

  That’s how I ended up taking Ralph to my brother’s wedding. When I showed up at Ralph’s door to pick him up, the first thing he said was, “You’re not ugly. I thought since you couldn’t find a date, you’d be ugly.”

  I should’ve run, should’ve given up on the whole mandatory-date thing right then and there. You gotta wonder what Rapunzel thought after she was saved. Did she look at the prince and think, Wow, I feel like I owe him, but he’s really not who I want to be with? If he was anything like Ralph, that’s exactly what happened. I pulled him into my life, then immediately regretted it. I wished I would’ve let him walk on by.

  All during the ceremony, I had to keep pushing Ralph’s hand off my leg. He’d set it on my thigh and inch it up a little at a time. We were in a chapel, and he was trying to feel me up! After the ceremony, I wanted to tell him to go, but I was his ride. I owed him for doing me this big favor.

  Things at the reception only got worse. When Ralph called me a prude and took off, I was relieved. He could go eat and drink and leave me alone. It was nice to not have to be constantly pushing him off me.

  I laughed and caught up with my seven giants. Drew, Devin, Gil—the whole gang was there. We laughed and even did some dancing.

  I’d just gotten back to my table when one of Anne’s bridesmaid’s came up to me and pulled me aside. “You need to do something about your boyfriend. He’s hitting on all of the bridesmaids, and he just told Anne that he liked married women, so to give him a call. She won’t say anything to Devin because the last thing she wants at her wedding is for her groom to get into a fight.”

  I groaned, not wanting to deal with my date. This was all Anne’s fault anyway, and now she wanted me to take care of it?

  “Hey, baby!” Ralph said as I walked up to him. His breath reeked of alcohol. He grabbed my hand and tugged me toward the dance floor. Once we got there, he pulled me to him—like suffocatingly close—put his hands on my butt, and whispered in my ear the dirtiest thing I’ve ever heard. Something that I still can’t bring myself to repeat, but it was wrong and suggestive and explicit.

  Without thinking, I pulled back and slapped him across the face. I reached into my purse, took out several bills, and shoved them into his hand. “There. Take a cab home. I hope I never ever see you again.”

  People stared, mouths open, eyes wide, as I pushed Ralph toward the elevator. Anne was upset I’d caused a scene, but Drew and the rest of the guys thought it was the coolest thing they’d ever seen. At least I didn’t just freeze, like I’d done so many times before.

  Time Wasted: It was only one day, but the entire time was miserable, so it seemed longer. And obviously everyone remembers how charming I was at Devin and Anne’s wedding. The story is legendary.

  Lessons Learned:

  Brides are emotional time bombs. (I bet Anne wishes she would’ve just let me go solo.)

  Never take anyone you don’t know to a wedding.

  Jimmy Delfino actually looks like a gem next to his obnoxious friends.

  Slapping someone across the face can feel very exhilarating.

  *Sidenote (added in 2011) – Despite my ban on fairy tales, I did accidentally watch Tangled one day with my nephew. Yes, the Disney version added girl power, which was pretty cool. And Flynn Rider was hard not to fall for and I might have been cheering for him in the end. But, like Aladdin, he was a liar (real name, Eugene Fitzherbert, and he happens to be a criminal). So while charming, he’s automatically disqualified. But I do consider slapping Ralph the equivalent of Rapunzel and her frying pan. Bonus points for girl power.

  Chapter Ten

  Since I’d spent a few hours with Stephanie over lunch—and had received a passive-aggressive e-mail from my boss—I’d stayed at the office late to do everything Patricia insisted was so urgent, even though I knew the client meeting wasn’t until next week. The last thing I felt like doing when I got home was cooking. I was tempted to call in a take-out order to Blue, thinking I’d just slip in and out. But the risk of seeing Jake was too great. I searched my fridge and cupboards and decided to make a ham-and-cheese sandwich. Unfortunately, I only had two heels of bread left, and I only ate them if I had absolutely no oth
er options. Like now. The entire time I choked my sandwich down, I wished it was something more appealing.

  I’d barely finished putting the dish away when there was a knock at my door.

  Like I said, the beauty of needing to be buzzed into the building is never being surprised. Since I hadn’t buzzed anyone up, it had to be Steph or Drew. Or someone who’d gotten the wrong door. I walked over and stared out the peephole. Jake.

  I ran a hand through my hair, swiped my tongue over my teeth to make sure they didn’t have food stuck in them, then opened my door.

  “Spontaneous visits,” he said with a smile. “Another perk of living in the same building.”

  I tried to play it cool, even though my heart was doing a happy dance inside. Okay, maybe I’d missed him the tiniest bit, and the fact that he hadn’t come to see me since our date had me feeling a little rejected—never fun, even if you aren’t planning on something serious with a guy.

  He held out a DVD—Just Friends. “Tell me you’re up for a movie.”

  Seems like he’s trying to tell me something with the movie title. Which is good. Telling myself that wasn’t enough to keep my nerves from bouncing up and down in my stomach. Or from noticing the way his gray T-shirt showed off his toned arms and made his eyes look a little more green than blue.

  And now I’m totally staring at him, probably drooling. “Come on in.” I stepped aside and gestured to the couch. “Have a seat.”

  I was glad I hadn’t changed into my pajamas yet. I had, however, worn a skirt today, and I didn’t want to sit all proper through an entire movie. “I’m just going to go change into something more comfortable.”

  Until I said it aloud, I hadn’t realized how it was going to sound—like the line the girl delivers in the movie before coming out in lingerie. “And by comfortable, I mean jeans and a T-shirt.” Clarifying made me feel even stupider, but I couldn’t seem to stop. “I didn’t want you to think that I… I mean I’m not like… I’ll be right back.”

  I hurried back to my room before I made it worse—although I didn’t think it could get much worse. It’s not like I thought I was some female Casanova or something, but usually I did okay with the guys.

  I’m sure it’s just because it’s been a while. Relax and you’ll be fine.

  I threw on a black tank top and a pair of jeans. My hair looked pretty flat, so I gathered it up into a messy bun.

  I walked back into the kitchen and put a bag of popcorn in the microwave. “Last week you were unavoidable and this week I haven’t seen you around. Blue must be busy.”

  “It’s been pretty hectic,” Jake said. “You should come in sometime. According to everybody there, you’re usually in a couple times a week.”

  “Oh, well, I haven’t had client meetings this week, so…” I grabbed a bowl out of my cupboard. “Then today, my friend Stephanie—the one I was telling you about who’s getting married—had a centerpiece tragedy. But Tina’s going to whip up a few replacement vases, so crisis averted.”

  I dumped the popcorn into the bowl and headed to the couch. Since he’d flashed the Just Friends movie at me, I wasn’t sure what to think. Sitting right next to him seemed desperate, sitting far away a snub. Okay, not the very end, but not too close, either. Safe middle ground.

  Typical guy, he already had control of the remote. Drew had wired my system, and it took a specific combination to get it to work, so I was impressed Jake had already figured it out. He pressed play and the movie started up.

  Jake looked at me. “Are you really going to sit all the way over there?”

  Traitorous butterflies filled my tummy. Okay, so he’s still interested.

  “I can’t even reach the popcorn.”

  Oh, right. The popcorn. That effectively killed the butterflies.

  But when I scooted over, Jake put his arm over my shoulders and barely touched the popcorn. I stuck the bowl on the coffee table, tucked my legs up, and settled in next to him. The movie was funny, and the romance in it was more on the believable side, which gave me that little heart tug I hadn’t felt in a while from a movie.

  When the credits rolled up the screen, Jake leaned down and brushed his lips against mine. My breath caught in my throat, and before I could recover it, he kissed me. My lips automatically started moving against his, my heart beating wildly in my chest. He deepened the kiss, taking things slow yet demanding enough that tingly heat wound through my entire body. It had been a while since I’d gotten to first base, and I’d forgotten how nice it could be.

  “I thought you were trying to send me a message with this movie,” I said.

  “I was.” His lips hovered inches from mine. “I’m making sure to keep myself out of the friend zone.”

  He closed the gap and kissed me again. Then I was pulling him closer, getting lost in the feel of his body against mine, his lips, his tongue. Part of me was screaming, Shut it down! This is a bad idea!

  But that part kept getting overruled by the part of me that was enjoying kissing Jake.

  Chapter Eleven

  Stephanie parked her car in front of her parents’ house. The usually empty street was lined with a variety of cars and trucks. She’d spent most of the hour-long ride from Denver to Longmont on the phone with Anthony—there’d been some miscommunication about if and when his uncle and four kids were coming down for the wedding.

  Once she got off the phone, she pressed me for more information on Jake, since I’d filled her in on our impromptu Thursday-night hangout.

  A crease formed between her eyebrows. “So you had a nice time, kissed, and then you haven’t seen him since?”

  “You say it like it’s been forever. It’s only Saturday morning.” I climbed out of the car and breathed in the fresh country air.

  Steph came around the hood. “But he hasn’t called?”

  “We’re not in some big relationship, Steph, and that’s the way I want to keep it. He mentioned he’d be working this weekend, but that I should swing by Blue if I got the chance.” I started across the grass, dodging the many lawn ornaments. There were birdbaths, fairies, and shiny spheres in every color. “Oh no, she lost her head again.” I pointed at the fairy statue that was forever being glued back together.

  “Stupid kids.” Steph bent to pick up the head. The neighborhood kids liked to rearrange, steal, and destroy Mrs. Taylor’s lawn decorations. When Zeus, the family’s Rottweiler, was alive, the statues stopped being vandalized. Since Zeus had passed on—old age, but still sad—the kids were back at it again.

  Fairy head under her arm, Steph walked up the steps to her house. “So you’re going to go to Blue tonight to say hi, right?”

  “I’m going to hang out with my family after this shindig is over, actually. I decided to spend the night at the ranch. Drew’s not going to take me back into the city till tomorrow.”

  Stephanie shook her head but didn’t give me the relationship advice I’d expected. Instead, she pulled open the screen door and we stepped inside. High-pitched greetings and congratulations erupted as soon as Stephanie walked into the living room. The entire community of women was packed into the house for the bridal shower.

  Mrs. Taylor stuck a clothespin on me and explained that I couldn’t say anything wedding related or I’d lose it. The person with the most clothespins was going to get a prize at the end of the game. I didn’t know what the prize was, but the clothespin didn’t accessorize my outfit very well.

  I looked from face to face until I found the one I was searching for. Mom moved a big white gift bag off the chair next to her and patted it. Aw, she saved me a seat.

  I left Stephanie’s side as she showed off her ring to the women swarming around her.

  “How’re you doing, sweetheart?” Mom asked as I sat down.

  There was always something about seeing my mom that made everything seem better. “Good now.” I lowered my voice. “Hurry and fill me in on all the local gossip while everyone’s distracted.” Mom glanced around, then leaned in to give me
the scoop.

  It wasn’t long before the shower officially got started and we were playing torturous games that would make even the most hardened terrorists crack, I was sure of it. Maybe I was just missing whatever girl gene was supposed to make this kind of thing fun.

  The shrieking only got louder as the party continued. Mrs. Taylor passed around cards so everyone could write down wedding advice for the bride-to-be. Since Don’t get married seemed inappropriate, I decided to write, Call me when he’s being a jackhole – Darby

  Mrs. Taylor and Mom were both sticklers about cussing, so Steph and I had made up that insult. We thought we were so clever.

  The next game was How Well Do You Know the Bride?

  “This is going to be cake,” I said as I read the first few questions.

  “Give it to me!” Mrs. Hildabrand said, pawing at my shirt. “You said cake!”

  It took a few seconds for me to understand why she was attacking me, but when I did, I quickly relinquished my clothespin before she ripped it off me. After fixing the collar of my shirt, I turned my attention back to my sheet of paper. It had everything from favorite color to shoe size. I knew them all. When I blew the competition away, Mrs. Taylor handed me the prize—a tiny potted plant.

  As I studied the little blue flowers, I thought about how Jake had teased me about my sickly plant. I smiled to myself and raised the prize. “You’re going to have to be tough to live with me,” I said, then tucked it under my chair.

  The hostesses took a break from games and pointed toward the food. It provided the perfect opportunity for everyone I’d ever known to come over and ask me if I was dating anyone, even though I was sure they’d already asked Mom about it. After telling the first few people I didn’t have a boyfriend right now, they patted my hand, that poor-you look in their eyes.

  “Don’t worry, dearie,” Mrs. Hildabrand said. “You’ll find someone.”

  “I guess if he is out there, he’s going to have to find me, because I’m not looking.” Of course the second the words left my mouth, Jake’s face popped into my mind. No way in hell was I going to say anything about him, though.