by Fiona Lowe
Wade’s shoulders rose and fell in an awkward fashion. “Actually, it’s our fourth date and his name’s Steve.”
“Fourth date?” Luke got the unhappy feeling that his brother’s uncharacteristic lack of disclosure had something to do with him.
Wade’s eyes filled with sympathy. “The reason I haven’t mentioned Steve is because there’d be nothing worse than listening to me rattle on about how great he is when it’s not that long since Erin left.”
The feelings of loss he’d worked so hard to keep at bay started to rise and he shoved them down fast. “Damn it, Wade, I’m not one of your fragile English teacups. I can cope with other people being part of a couple. Just go enjoy your date.”
Without waiting for a reply, he strode toward the house with Mac at his side and focused on the nip in the fall air biting into his skin. For weeks he’d been telling himself he was fine. Coping. Moving forward, but a few words from Wade had him battling to regain his equilibrium.
He needed to get back out in the world. He pulled out his phone, intending to call Lindsay and Keith to see if they wanted to meet him for a drink, when Mac suddenly took off, barking wildly and racing toward the house.
Luke squinted into the dusk gloom. He heard a high-pitched yapping and then he made out the bulky shape of an old station wagon.
Erin was back.
Delight and hope sprouted inside him like the corn flourishing in early spring sunshine and nurturing rain.
I don’t love you, Luke.
Everything shriveled and withered under the frosty assault of her betrayal.
Harnessing a protective anger, he sprinted across the yard, took the porch steps two at a time and yanked open the screen door. Without stopping to remove his hat or boots, he strode into the kitchen. Maggie-May threw herself at him with enthusiastic delirium, bouncing against his legs and barking manically.
He picked her up and deposited her outside with Mac before turning back to face Erin.
She sat at the kitchen table with a container of Lakeview Farm ice cream in front of her and two spoons. Her face was thinner, huge smudges of black tainted the delicate skin under her eyes, and her normally glossy hair lacked shine. She looked miserable and he wanted to gather her into his arms and take care of her.
I can never marry you. My life’s in Minneapolis.
He steeled his heart.
“What the hell are you doing in my house?”
Chapter Twenty-One
“Most people call first.”
Erin swallowed against the lump in her throat as Luke stood in the middle of the room. With his feet wide apart and his hands on his hips, he stared at her with more loathing than the first time she’d gate-crashed his kitchen. He looked as handsome as ever but the lines around his eyes seemed deeper. Any plans of throwing herself into his arms and begging for forgiveness were stalled by the torment on his face and in his eyes. By the pain she’d put there. All of it kept her in her chair. She knew that coming back this way to see him was a risk, but she’d learned a lot last night and it was a risk she needed to take. She had no other choice.
She tried to stay strong against his anger, which buffeted her like wild winter winds, and she pulled up every ounce of calm she had in her. “If I’d called ahead you would have refused to talk to me, let alone agreed to see me.”
“You got that right.” He stalked to the fridge like a panther preparing to rip into its prey and dispensed a large glass of water. “It’s what I plan to do now. Take your dog and leave.”
The antipathy in his eyes churned her stomach and shattered her hope. “Luke, I’m so sorry for the way we—”
“Not interested in rehashing that particular evening, Erin, or any version of it.” He pointed across the room. “The door’s that way.”
His resolute stance along with his unambiguous words made his message resoundingly clear. He wanted her gone. Now. Five minutes ago. A ripple of unease tore through her that he might want her gone so badly that he’d pick her up and dump her outside on her ass.
I will never do anything or let anything hurt you.
His words, which had sounded so reassuring in her head on the drive over, quailed under his unforgiving expression.
Don’t count on it. He said all that before you broke his heart.
She tried to keep her fear contained—fear that she’d hurt him too much and it was all too late to make amends—and instead held on to her wish that somewhere deep down under all that pain, he still loved her. Flipping off the lid of the ice cream carton, she dug in a spoon and tasted the contents. The creamy taste sent her taste buds into overdrive and left them in a begging frenzy desperate to taste more. It was beyond any ice cream she’d ever tasted.
His eyes narrowed and his voice dropped to a low growl. “Erin, asking you to leave wasn’t an invitation to stay and eat ice cream.”
She sought his eyes and sent up a prayer that he’d remember. “I know, but I’m not leaving until I’ve said my piece and I need ice cream to do it.”
He stood perfectly still for a moment before releasing a deep sigh and then he moved around the counter and kicked out a chair. As he sat down opposite her, his body language was anything but conciliatory. “Start so you can finish and leave.”
Panic that he wasn’t going to actually hear what she had to say dove into her, flailing about like a drowning man and stalling her words.
His blue eyes flashed. “I mean it, Erin.”
She knew he did and she blurted out, “My father stopped by to visit me last night.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw but he stayed silent.
She pushed on, trying to keep her dread at bay that this was all going to end badly for both of them. There was no sign in Luke of the man who loved her and his absence was all her fault. “To cut a long story short, he wanted to invest my studio money.”
His eyes narrowed. “And?”
“I said no.”
“Good for you.” He crossed his arms. “Is that it?”
She shook her head. “No, it’s just the start.” The harsh look in his eyes and the tautness of the anger on his face upended the speech she’d been rehearsing on the long drive from Minneapolis and she went straight to the truth. “He made me realize that I love you.”
Apart from the blink of his eyes, no other part of his body reacted to her declaration.
Her heart tripped over itself and despair flooded her. It’s too late. It’s too late, it’s too late...
He leaned back in his chair, his demeanor one of boredom. “Do you want me to send in the band? Throw a ticker-tape parade?”
Is that what she’d expected? Bells and whistles? Woots of joy and him twirling her around in his arms at her admission of love?
Deep down, yes you did.
She knew he was hurting and that it was all her fault but a surge of frustration lanced her that he couldn’t see this was an offer of a new starting point for them. “Actually, I thought we might be able to have an adult conversation about it.”
“An adult conversation?” His voice cracked. “Are you freaking kidding me?”
“Well, what else do you want me to say, Luke?”
“I don’t know.”
His weary words rained over her and she bit her lip at the hopelessness that took massive bites of her heart and soul. She was too late to fix this.
You have to fight for him.
“I’m so sorry, Luke. I never wanted to hurt you. I was scared witless when you told me you loved me. It wasn’t part of the plan and I never expected it. The idea of marriage terrified me not because of who you are but because of what might happen to change us. I couldn’t face us destroying each other like my parents destroyed their lives.”
“I never saw it that way, Erin.” Sadness scored his face. “P
lenty of marriages work if both partners want it enough.”
Recognizing the truth, she sucked in her lips and hauled in a breath. “You were right when you said I wasn’t prepared to risk anything. I told myself that walking away from you was the price I had to pay for my overall security. I’d held on so long to the ideal that financial security offered me everything I needed to keep me safe, that I totally believed it. I didn’t realize that by losing you I lost everything else.”
The catch in Erin’s voice and the utter misery on her face almost undid Luke and he had to hold tight to his hurt to protect himself. As much as he wanted to lean across the table and grab her hands, he really didn’t know if she’d truly changed. There were things he needed to know before he’d put his heart on the line all over again. “What do you mean you lost everything? You still have your savings?”
“I have the money but nothing else.” Her hands opened, palm up. “For years I’ve used my camera as a barrier between my life and the world. I was absorbing the happiness of others through my camera lens, because it offered me a detached safety from my unsteady world. To be totally honest, I craved it. It all came tumbling down with Connie’s wedding. I didn’t want to accept it had all been an illusion of safety.”
She tugged at her hair. “Since I left Whitetail, I’ve lost the joy I always found in my job and I’m second-guessing every frame I take. I can’t even see the good stuff in my previous work.” Her face filled with pleading. “I need you.”
His heart gave a traitorous leap. He’d dreamed of hearing her speak those words but now that they floated between them, they weren’t enough. “Erin, I’m not your new safety zone. You can’t depend on me for your creative spark.”
Her eyes implored. “One part of me knows that but is it so wrong that my happiness is connected to you and that it flows into my work? Isn’t that love?” She pointed to the quickly softening ice cream. “You were lonely when I first met you and you’d lost your passion for your work. Will you deny that I was part of your returning happiness?”
Her words hit home. She’d been integral in him finding the joy in his life. “No, but—” he plowed his hands through his hair, “—the things you feared still exist. Life with me isn’t going to be a safe cocoon. No marriage is immune from tough times and when you add in the inherent risk that is farming, I can’t give you an absolute guarantee that we won’t have some hard times.”
“I’m prepared for that.”
“Are you really?” He’d vowed never to revisit that night but he let his guard down enough to speak the truth. “Do you have any idea what it was like watching you walk away from me? I’m not sure I can trust you not to do it again.”
“Luke,” her voice wobbled over his name and her green eyes seared him with their honesty and pain, “I’m asking you to trust me and believe that I will never hurt you like that again.”
His heart wanted to trust what he saw in her eyes—her regret for hurting him so much—but his brain was saying no. “I’m not sure words are enough.”
“I know actions speak louder than words. Last night my father used words that masqueraded as love and caring to try and steal my money. As appalling as that is, I have to thank him for it because it put everything into perspective.”
A rush of intense fury at Tom dueled with a surge of protection for her. “I wish I’d been there to kick his ass.”
“You were there.”
Her softly spoken words made no sense. “I don’t understand.”
“I heard your voice saying to me, ‘I’m not asking you to invest any of your savings, just invest in me.’ Luke, you’ve only ever loved me for me. You only want good things for me, for us. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
Her love for him shone in her eyes and the tips of her fingers touched his. Her heat, love and entreaty rolled into him, calling at him, appealing to him to give her a second chance. To give them both a second chance at a future together.
She bit her lip. “As much as I didn’t want to see it, you’ve shown me I can’t wrap myself up in a bubble of sterile safety and control everything from there...” She gave a resigned smile. “What did you call it?”
He flinched for her, knowing how hard it was to be emotionally honest. “A catatonic life, but I was angry, Erin—”
“No.” She shook her head. “I needed to hear it. I’m just sorry it’s taken this long to really understand it. You also showed me that without a calculated risk my life will be one of lost potential. I’m done with being ‘catatonic.’
“Luke, I want you. I want Mac and the cows. I want the ice cream business and the mortgage and all the calculated risks. I promise you, I’ll be here for the bad times and I want to celebrate the good. I want it all and I want it with you.” Her hand moved so her fingers interlaced with his. “Luke, will you marry me?”
Her honesty and sincerity spun around him like the joy of sunshine after rain, and his heart soared. She loved him and the last pieces of the rickety barricade he’d erected around his heart fell away.
Erin held her breath. She’d laid everything out on the line including her heart, just like Luke had done two months ago. Apprehension and dread raced in opposite directions up and down her veins, slowing time down to a standstill. The agony of waiting for him to speak ramped up her own culpability when she’d summarily rejected his love for her at the end of the summer.
The multihued facets of color in his blue-on-blue eyes sparkled like a kaleidoscope. “You really want to marry me?”
She breathed in jerkily. “I really, really do.”
“You want to take the biggest risk of your life with me?”
She held his gaze. “It’s not a risk, Luke. It’s living my life with potential.”
Still holding her hands, he stood up and she did too. They walked sideways down the table until there was nothing between them but air. Her heart beat crazily. Did this mean yes?
He stared at her so intently that she could barely shift air in and out of her lungs and the crows of doubt assailed her.
“Thank God.” He pulled her into his arms and holding her tightly against him, he kissed her hard as if she might suddenly vanish. His mouth melded to hers, making her whole again and when he finally pulled away, he gazed down at her intently. “You taste like maple syrup delight.”
She started to laugh and relief flowed through her, making her shake. He loved her. They had a future together. Leaning into him she savored the feel of the solid muscle underneath his shirt and what it represented—love and a life lived to the fullest.
“Erin?”
“Hmm.”
“I’m starting a desensitization program right now. You need to start associating eating our ice cream with happy occasions.” He pulled them down onto a chair and settled her on his lap before picking up a spoon, scooping ice cream and feeding her.
Resting against him and after three glorious mouthfuls of the wickedly delicious ice cream, she said, “This ice cream is definitely celebration stuff. Let it be noted that the day you agreed to marry me we toasted with magical maple syrup ice cream. Which flavor will we have at the wedding?”
He grinned at her. “Vanilla Bean Buzz because it goes with every occasion. At the moment the choice isn’t huge but slow and steady expansion is the way to go.” His smile turned serious. “Erin, the farm is a business that pays me a salary and most of the time it pays dividends to everyone in the family, which go up and down depending on the season. The mortgage is against the business, not against personal savings. I want to sit down and explain it all to you tomorrow so you fully understand how it all operates.”
Her heart swelled at the new partnership that he was offering her. “My photography books are not quite as complicated but I’ll go through them with you too. I’ve only just got to the p
oint of being able to draw a salary.”
“It will grow,” he said confidently. “Lindsay was really thrilled that one of their wedding photos won some prize.”
She looked up at him in surprise. “You know about that?”
“This is Whitetail, remember. Nicole and Lindsay told everyone who’d listen and despite everything that had gone down between us, I was really proud of you.” He brushed her hair behind her ear. “I still am. So, are you going to become Whitetail’s resident photographer for weddings, christenings and every other occasion? You’ve already got the darkroom here and the option of a studio in town.”
For the first time since she’d left Whitetail she got a buzz of excitement for her work. It was totally different from the past but it was equally exhilarating. She kissed him. “I think I will be that person.”
“That’s what I was hoping you’d say.”
His love surrounded her in warmth and security. “How do you feel, though, about me working many weekends of the year?”
“Probably much the same as you feel about me milking cows most days of the week, but the boss here is pretty flexible.” He grinned. “We’ll get Brett to milk on Wednesdays and make that our weekend. I was wondering...”
She recognized the scheming in his eyes. “What?”
“Do you think you could get a few wedding gigs in warm places during winter so we could turn them into mini-vacations? One thing I’ve learned from my parents is that escaping off the farm now and then is a very good idea.”
She laughed. “I hear Hawaii and Mexico are popular wedding destinations so I’ll add that to my five-year expansion plan for the business, shall I?”
He pressed his hand against her belly and his lips against her neck. “Talking expansion and five-year plans, how do you feel about a seventh generation of Andersons running around the farm?”
A wave of wonder washed through her. “It totally thrills me and terrifies me all at the same time.”
He nodded with a soft smile. “Me too, but totally worth the risk.”
