To Be a Family (Harlequin Superromance)

by Kilby, Joan

  Paula didn’t intend to be smug but her tone held an unconscious complacency as she recalled her singleton days. Katie didn’t resent her happiness—after all, she’d gained a friend who was like a sister to her. And she was happy that her brother had found someone so perfect for him.

  But she did envy Paula—the love she shared with Riley, the companionship, the home life, the family. Katie shook her head. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. She had a job she loved—two jobs she loved. Family, friends… She didn’t understand where her discontent was coming from. For years she’d been fine on her own—until John had reentered her life, bringing Tuti with him.

  “Not alone. I spend all day with twenty six-year-olds.” She caught Paula’s eye and grinned sheepishly.

  “Case close.” Paula handed her a plate loaded with two big slices of pepperoni pizza.

  “Ah, my favorite guilty pleasure.” Katie took a bite and ate hungrily, surprised at how quickly she downed the first slice. “Congrats on arresting Nick Moresco, by the way.” She added cautiously, “How is Jamie taking the news that his father is going to jail?”

  Paula took a big sip of wine. “Riley and I took him to counseling. He’s surprisingly calm and accepting. When Moresco snatched Jamie from his grandmother’s birthday party, he lost some of his appeal,” Paula said wryly. “Plus having Riley adopt Jamie helps a lot. As far as Jamie and I are concerned, Riley’s his father now.”

  “That’s great. You’re so lucky to have found each other.”

  “What about you and John? I hope asking doesn’t bother you.”

  “No, I don’t mind.” Katie told her about John’s invitation to the beach cottage. “I just wish I could decide whether to go or not.”

  “Give me the pros and cons.” Paula grabbed a pad of paper Katie had been making notes for her story on. She flipped to a clean page and looked up expectantly. “Pro.”

  “I need to meet my deadline and John promised to let me do nothing but write with a bit of time for Tuti.”

  “Good one. Con?”

  “Being around John and Tuti would make me want to play, not write.”

  “Hmm, in my opinion that would be a pro.” Paula frowned at the paper. “Next?”

  “A change of scenery could free up my writer’s block.”

  “Excellent. Con?”

  “The beach cottage is where John and I first made love.”

  “Again, that sounds like a good thing.”

  “Except there’s so much unresolved between us. Bad memories might get stirred up as well as good memories.”

  “We’ll call it a con for the sake of argument. Pro?”

  “I need to relax. I’ll have a better chance of doing that with John taking care of the mundane stuff like cooking.” Before Paula could say anything, she added, “But that’s also a con. Relaxing means I’ll let my guard down. Anything might happen, if you know what I mean.”

  Paula grinned. “Girl, all you’ve proved is that you don’t understand the concept of con. What’s the bottom line here? What’s your gut feeling?”

  Katie shut her eyes and looked inward. What she saw she wanted so badly it scared her. She and John and Tuti having a beach holiday, just like a real family. With a week in a secluded setting, they might be able to figure out whether they had something real and lasting.

  “Katie?”

  She opened her eyes. “I want to go.”

  “That’s good.”

  “Not necessarily. I want it too much.”

  “Are you falling in love with him?”

  Katie hesitated. She’d barely admitted it to herself. Saying it aloud to Paula would mean her feelings were real. Worse, she might have to do something about them. “I think so.”

  “You think, or you know?” Paula pressed.

  “You are such a cop.” Katie laughed and pushed a hand through her bedraggled ponytail.

  Paula reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “Don’t be afraid. Being in love is the best feeling.”

  Katie smiled. Oh, yeah. Despite the fact that John didn’t live up to her standards of love, she couldn’t help the stomach flutter when he looked at her, the quickening of her pulse at his touch. The hope that somehow he would overcome her doubts and fears and prove himself worthy. The desire that she would be “enough” for him, that he would want her and her alone. If all that was love, then yes, she’d taken that leap.

  But. There was always a “but.”

  “I’m not sure I want to love him. As I said, John and I have issues we can’t seem to overcome.”

  “Riley told me John regrets leaving you and that he thinks John still loves you.”

  “Really? John said he loves me?” Ridiculous, the way that made her heart pound.

  “Not exactly. Riley thinks he does. John hasn’t come out and declared his feelings in so many words. Guys don’t, though, do they?”

  “I’m not sure I want him to be in love with me.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Not if I can’t trust him to be there for me.”

  Paula met her gaze soberly. “John is the only guy on the Summerside police force besides Riley that I would trust with my life.”

  “That’s in relation to your job.” Katie toyed with her second slice of pizza. “What if I got cancer again? He thought he was doing the right thing when he left but I honestly don’t know which was worse, the illness or being abandoned.”

  “Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Paula was quiet a moment. “But if you think you love him, how can you not take a chance? The alternative sucks. If you can’t have him and you don’t want anyone else, then what are you? Alone.”

  “There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely.” She’d been alone for years. Oh, she’d gone out with different men, but never anyone serious or for very long. Like John, but in her own way, she’d avoided settling down. But seeing herself through Paula’s eyes the future stretched out bleak and unchanging. That wasn’t alone. That was lonely.

  When she’d had cancer everyone told her to take the safe option, follow the conservative road. She’d taken a chance and come through. There was no gain without risk.

  “Maybe I will go away with him,” she said slowly. “Give him a chance. Give myself another chance at love.”

  This time she wouldn’t avoid discussing their problems, no matter how upsetting or scary. If they were to have a meaningful relationship they needed to hash things out, once and for all. If they decided in the end that they weren’t right for each other, at least they’d given it one last good shot. And having tried and failed, they would both be able to move on.

  Paula picked up another piece of pizza and waved it at her. “If nothing else, you’ll have made progress on your book.”

  “There is that. Okay, I’ll do it.” She laughed, giddy with the relief of deciding to do what her heart wanted.

  Paula slid the phone across the table. “Go on, give him a call right now, before you chicken out.”

  Quickly Katie punched in John’s speed dial number. At the sound of his rumbling voice saying hello her knees went weak. “Hi. I’ve decided to go with you and Tuti. It’s time we talked things out.”

  “When the phone rang, I was hoping it was you, calling to say you would come,” John said warmly. “And it was. I have a good feeling about this holiday.”

  * * *

  “WE’RE GOING TO surf and swim,” John said to Tuti in the rearview mirror. The car was packed with food, books, g
ames and beach equipment. His surfboard was strapped to the roof and in the trunk was a brand-new boogie board for Tuti. “I’ll take you to see the penguins and the koalas....”

  “Will Katie be there?” Tuti asked for the fifth time.

  “Yes, sweetie,” John said patiently. “She has things to do first so she’s bringing her own car. She’ll arrive tonight.”

  “Yay!” Tuti bounced in her seat.

  John laughed, his spirits as high as Tuti’s. The sun was shining, the air was warm and it was nearly Easter. The beach was a great place to spend a week.

  The two-hour drive passed quickly. Soon he was pulling into the gravel driveway of the three-bedroom weatherboard cottage that had been his family’s since he was a kid. Across a quiet service road lay the beach. Leah usually came down over Christmas and Sonya and her family had been there toward the end of the summer holidays.

  John unloaded the car, handing Tuti small things and carrying the heavy luggage himself. The cottage had all the basics but none of the frills. Painted floorboards and rag rugs, ancient overstuffed furniture, a wood-burning stove and a battered coffee table that had been the scene of many epic Monopoly games.

  He opened all the windows while Tuti ran around exploring, claiming the girls’ bedroom with the shells lining the windowsill. When they were settled in, he and Tuti went wading in the shallows to get her used to how cold the ocean was compared to the water surrounding Bali. Mutton birds wheeled above their rookery and waves crashed on the sand. They barbecued sausages for dinner and ate them between slices of white bread with fried onions and tomato sauce.

  “When is Katie coming?” Tuti asked plaintively as he tucked her into bed that night.

  “She’ll be here when you wake up in the morning,” he promised. At least he hoped so. He’d thought she would be here by now. He’d tried calling her a couple of times but her mobile just went to voice mail.

  He hoped she hadn’t changed her mind. He’d built up ideas about how they would bond over simple things like walks along the sand and quiet evenings by the wood-burning stove. He wanted to tell her about Tinman Island and get her reaction to the possibility of a future away from Summerside. Tuti was counting on her to come. He was, too. If for some reason, she didn’t, these holidays would be awfully bleak.

  * * *

  IT WAS JUST SHY of eight o’clock and the sky was fully dark by the time Katie pulled into the cottage driveway. A light drizzle was falling as she crunched over the broken shell and gravel to the front door.

  She wanted to do this, she reminded herself nervously. This was an opportunity. For years she’d been keeping John at bay, not realizing till recently that deep down she’d hoped they might get back together someday. And while she’d been helping Tuti learn to read, she’d learned to fall in love again.

  Her heart beating fast, she knocked. While she waited, she went over everything she’d decided.

  She would talk openly and honestly, listen to what he had to say even when it was painful to hear.

  She wouldn’t test him, not even on small things. She would give him the benefit of the doubt. Give the man a chance to show her he could change. Show him that she trusted him and that she could change.

  But no matter what happened, she wouldn’t fall into his bed right away. She would resist her desires long enough to talk things out. The chemistry between them was good and when she and John were sexual she tended to don rose-colored glasses when it came to their relationship. Sex wouldn’t make the issues go away. In fact it could exacerbate them because they’d be ignoring the problems and pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t.

  If they could resolve the issues, then wonderful. If they couldn’t, if the holiday was a disaster, so be it. The end. No more possibilities for her and John. God, she hoped that wouldn’t be the outcome.

  The slap of flip-flops on floorboards came closer. John flung the door open.

  “Sorry I’m so late. Riley and Paula are looking after Lulu, my cat. I couldn’t leave until they got home from work.” Nerves had her words pouring out in a flood. “I tried to call you but you must be out of range—”

  “Come inside.” John reached for her hand, his fingers wrapping hers in a firm grip. His eyes filled with amusement plus warmth and affection. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

  * * *

  JOHN HELD TIGHTLY to Katie’s hand, relieved she’d shown up and half afraid if he let go she would disappear back into the night. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail but wisps fell around her high cheekbones and her eyes were dark and smoky. “I just put Tuti to bed. Do you want something to eat? A cup of tea, a glass of wine?”

  “Nothing right now, thanks.” She gestured behind her, to the door. “My bag’s still in the car.” Her gaze searched his. “That’s still okay, isn’t it? You haven’t changed your mind about me staying?”

  How could she question whether he would welcome her? And yet he could recall other occasions when she’d been insecure around him, often masking it as anger. For example, the incident with Candice. He’d meant nothing by his banter but clearly Katie had seen it as “flirting with intent.”

  The truth hit him with a pang. This was the legacy of him “abandoning” her. He needed to reassure her, earn back her trust.

  “Of course it’s okay. It’s more than okay. I’ve been thinking about you all day, waiting for you to get here.” He kissed her lightly on the lips, brushing her hair behind her ear. Then leaned in for a deeper kiss. He felt Katie lift onto her toes to meet him.

  “Bapa!” A high-pitched voice rang out. “Who’s there? Is it Katie?”

  John groaned. “Nice timing, Tuti.”

  Katie dropped to her heels, cheeks flushed. “Oh, good. She’s still awake.”

  “She’s dying to see you.” Reluctantly, he released Katie, his gaze lingering on hers. “I’ll bring in your suitcase while you say good-night to her.”

  “Okay. See you in a minute.”

  He heard Tuti greet Katie joyfully as he ran out to her car, raindrops dampening his T-shirt and wet grass brushing at his ankles. He grabbed her suitcase and her laptop bag, his mind leaping ahead to later tonight.

  He didn’t want to rush her. Or rush the evening. He would light the wood stove, bring out the good bottle of Shiraz he’d been saving and put on soft music. She deserved to be wooed. He wanted to woo her. If all went according to his hopes and plans, they would make love again here where they had sex for the first time. He badly wanted to show her how precious she still was to him.

  Back inside, he started down the hall to his room then changed his mind and placed her bags in the hall. When it came to Katie he had to walk a fine line between showing her how much he wanted her and not scaring her off. Definitely it wouldn’t do to make assumptions at this stage. If they weren’t on the same page, well, she could always sleep in the third bedroom. But he hoped very much that they would be keeping each other warm tonight.

  Tuti ran out of her room, her penguin pajama bottoms rucked up around one knee, her excited face split in a wide grin. “We’re going to play Snakes and Ladders!”

  Katie came after, apologetic. “She wouldn’t settle. I said she could stay up for one game.”

  “I don’t know.” John pretended to be disapproving. “Miss Henning tells me that children need routine, with a regular bedtime.”

  Tuti’s face fell tragically. “Oh!”

  Katie laughed at him over Tuti’s head. “Don’t be mean
.”

  Tuti grabbed hold of his hand. “Please, Bapa.”

  “Okay, okay.” John laughed. “One game.”

  “Popcorn, too,” Tuti added happily, racing to the shelf below the window that held the board games.

  Tuti and Katie sat side by side on the couch in front of the coffee table. John pulled up a stool. Logs crackled in the wood stove. One game stretched to two. Popcorn extended to hot chocolate. Wine for the adults. John found he couldn’t object too strenuously, no matter how much he wanted to get Katie alone. He hadn’t seen Tuti so happy since, well, since the last time she’d been with Katie.

  Katie’s dark eyes sparkled with warmth and humor and a deeper heat that made his blood thrum. She lifted her arm to push back her hair in an unconscious movement that drew his eye to the full curve of her breasts. Noticing the direction of his focus, she smiled slowly.

  “It’s your turn,” Tuti urged him. “Roll the dice.”

  Dragging his gaze away, he barely noticed where his marker landed or Tuti’s gleeful chortle when he slid down the longest snake and was back to square one.

  Finally Tuti wore out and laid her head on Katie’s knee, yawning and rubbing her eyes.

  “Come on, Possum. It’s time you were in bed.” He scooped her into his arms and carried her down the hall as she waved good-night to Katie. He tucked her in bed and she was asleep almost instantly. With a kiss on her forehead he went out, leaving the door ajar.

  Katie was putting the cups in the sink.

  John came up behind her and slid his arms around her waist. “I’m so glad you came. I’ve waited for this chance for us a very long time.” He kissed her lightly then nuzzled the soft skin behind her ear. Before she could reply he kissed her again, tasting, nibbling, teasing her lips open. “Come to bed with me.”

  He felt the sigh go through her as though he’d breathed it himself. Then she roused herself and eased back enough to look up at him. “We should talk first.”