Fatalism

by LK Collins

  “Thanks, but Portia and I just got back from Starbucks. I was filling her in on the Robinson case.”

  “Okay, I’ll give it to Max. I owe him one anyways.” I turned and walked away from him, completely mortified and embarrassed, carrying two drinks. What was I thinking? I should’ve just stayed home. Clearly he had moved on. I don’t know why that bothered me. I’m the one that had been a bitch to him. Although I cannot believe he had brought Portia up to speed on the Robinson case when I was his paralegal.

  I could hear the two of them laughing in his office; thankfully Portia had removed herself from his desk and sat in one of the chairs across from him. My blood boiled thinking of her sitting like that, I know it shouldn’t but it did.

  When she came out, she gave me a wave, and I smiled back. Anxiety took over as I watched and waited for a message from him to come in. Surely he would apologize for not taking the coffee I had bought him, or for Portia being perched on his desk.

  The message never came and by 5:30 he walked out of his office, crossing in front of my desk without looking at me or saying a word.

  What the hell?

  He had never ignored me before and this came as a surprise to me. I shook my head to clear the fog and try to understand why he suddenly wasn’t interested in me. I gathered my purse and left to go home in desperate need of Cara’s advice.

  Cara’s car was in the garage when I pulled up. I walked inside, noticing the amazing aroma in the house. She was in the kitchen, cooking and listening to music.

  “Hey, girl. How was your first day back at work?” she asked.

  “It sucked. What about you? Did you do anything fun today?”

  “I got a manicure for my date tomorrow night, cleaned, and did laundry. Nothing big. Why did your day suck?”

  “I’ll tell you later. Dinner smells amazing. What are you cooking?”

  “Chicken fettuccini with an antipasto salad and garlic bread.”

  “Yum, I can’t wait. It sounds delicious, and I’m starving. I am going to change real quick, and I’ll help you finish up and fill you in on my day.”

  She smiled at me and said, “Sounds great. Take your time.”

  I went into my bedroom and felt not only emotionally exhausted but physically exhausted. I know it was from the lack of sleep and the stress of today. I had waited too long and pushed Vincent so far away that he now wasn’t even on speaking terms with me. I wished that I could go back to last night when he showed up at my front door.

  I had feelings for him, there was no denying that. The controlling part of me forced those feeling aside because I was scared. I wished that there was something more I could do, but considering the fool I made of myself this morning trying to make amends, I knew there wasn’t.

  I couldn’t sulk forever or miss something I never had. I shredded my clothes off and pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a red tank top. Normally I would have opted for sweats, but deep inside I hoped that Vincent would show up again. I left my bra and make up on and braided my hair over one shoulder.

  Cara was setting the table when I left my bedroom. She looked at me, and laid the silverware out next to our plates.

  “You look nice tonight,” she said.

  “Thanks. My sweats are all dirty.”

  She didn’t respond, and part of me felt like she knew what I was up to. I opened the fridge and took out a bottle of wine.

  “Do you want a glass of wine?”

  “Sure, that would be great.”

  I poured us each a glass and retreated to the table.

  The spread was amazing. We served our plates and as much as the food looked and smelt wonderful, my appetite had diminished; I pushed my food around my plate.

  “Okay, spill it. What’s going on?” she asked.

  “I ruined things with Vincent, and now I feel like a complete and total ass.”

  “What do you mean you ruined things? There was nothing going on between the two of you as far as I knew, right?”

  “Yes. But he has been really sweet to me, and I have been a total bitch and taken him for granted. Last night he came by here to check on me because I had missed work, and I hurt his feelings. I told him he shouldn’t have come here.”

  Cara took a sip of her wine. “As you should have, Lex. He’s your boss. What right did he have coming here? If he was worried, he should have called or text you.”

  “He doesn’t have my number.”

  “But he has your address? Listen, you’re the one that decided you didn’t want to pursue anything with him, due to your rules and all. Now you are going to have to live with that. Plus, you don’t date, so why waste your time? What is it about this guy that has you so wound up?”

  “I can’t put my finger on what exactly it is about him, but I do need to let it go and just learn to deal with it. He made it clear today he’s not interested in me. Going forward, I’ll stick to the strictly business plan and hope that this will all blow over.”

  “Good choice. I think it’s a wise decision, and in the end you’ll be happier. Can you please help me now? I need to decide what I’m going to wear on my date tomorrow night.”

  Cara rambled on for what felt like hours. I managed to get down some of my dinner and drank one too many glasses of wine. We said good night, and although I was exhausted, a bath sounded inviting. I ran the water extra hot, just how I liked. Stripping off my clothes, I looked over my reflection in the mirror. My five foot eight inch frame looked tiny tonight. I was not fat by any means, but years of being told I was had painted a different picture in my mind. I would say I was average, basically long and lean. Clearly Vincent saw something in me or had seen something in me. Whatever it was, I needed to hold onto to that and know I was not perfect, but I was me.

  The water stung my skin as I slid deep into the tub. I focused on relaxing my mind and body by just breathing. I must’ve dozed off, because I felt my head fall to the side, and it woke me up. I was cold and disoriented.

  I pulled the drain and climbed out of the water. Grabbing my robe, I went into the kitchen and checked the clock it was just after midnight. Shit. I had fallen asleep in the bath. I took two Tylenol and drank a glass of water, peering out to the dark street surrounding our home. No one was out. It was still and silent. I went back into my room and climbed into my soft warm bed still wrapped in my plush robe.

  I woke before my alarm clock, and I felt like I had slept a full night’s sleep. I went into the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee. Cara always made it the night before and set the pot on automatic. It was nice to wake to freshly brewed coffee.

  My morning routine was long. I was up far too early and had extra time, so I played with my hair and make-up. When I was finished, I had constructed the perfect smoky eye, with thick eyeliner and perfect mascara. My hair was in big beach waves; I scrunched it and sprayed it with hairspray making it look a bit rocker-chic.

  I found a cute tweed skirt with a cream sheer blouse. I matched it with stockings and black pumps.

  Driving in, I barely hit any traffic, and I arrived early. I went up to my desk and stared my morning routine, digging in to the work I had left behind. Soon enough, my co-workers started to filter into the office. I hadn’t even noticed Vincent arrive, but I saw him sitting at his desk. Cameron, a paralegal from another firm, took me away from staring at Vincent. He approached my desk with a full smile showing his shiny white teeth. Cameron was young and handsome. He sat in one of my chairs without waiting for my permission.

  “Morning. How are you today?” he asked

  “I’m great. Thanks for asking. How are you?”

  He smirked at me and leaned over, resting his elbows on my desk. “I’m better now that I get to see you. So, are you ever going to let me buy you that drink you promised me five years ago?”

  I laughed out loud, “Um, no, I’m not. You know I don’t get involved with attorneys.”

  “So you’ve told me, and that’s what I keep telling you; I’m not an attorney. I, like
you, am a senior paralegal, so we are equals, plus I work for a completely different firm.”

  As flattering as it was to have him continuously ask me out, I just wasn’t into him like that. “Cameron, you know what I mean. I don’t mix work with pleasure.”

  “Fine, like I always say, you’ll give in eventually.” I laughed again. “Well, I brought this over for you. It was delivered to our office by accident.”

  He handed me an envelope and winked as he stood and walked away. I shook my head, as many times as he had pulled this, I was always smitten after he left. It was really sweet of him. I noticed Vincent was staring at me, and when I made eye contact, he looked away.

  What was that all about? Yesterday he wouldn’t even acknowledge me. Then this morning he’s staring and playing shy. Men were so confusing. I didn’t know how to handle him so I grabbed my things and went into the conference room for our weekly meeting.

  He came in a few minutes after me, still not looking in my direction. I could see we were back to our childish games. I powered up my iPad and took more notes than normal to keep myself busy, interjecting and challenging everyone who spoke. Vincent stayed quiet, and when the meeting was done, he bolted.

  I knew we would have to talk eventually today, as the Albertson case was going to trial on Monday, and I needed to go over some additional files with him. I could wait until he was out of his office and just leave them on his desk, but I refused to let him run my life here. I was sticking to my plan, and he was going to have to deal with it.

  I meandered over to the file room. It was filled with rows and rows of client files and one of the only quiet areas in the office. I liked it in here and often would spend too long, enjoying the silence, organizing and filing away.

  I searched feverishly for the files I needed to retrieve and later take to Vincent for the Albertson case. I had a plan; I was going to simply place them on his desk and ask if he needed anything else. He could go through them alone and figure it out.

  I moved down to the last row of shelves, and he was behind me. Before I could move, he pushed me against the wall.

  I could feel his breath on my neck, and he whispered in my ear, “Tell me you don’t feel anything for me Alexa. Tell me you feel nothing inside of you for me, and I’ll walk away.”

  My breathing increased at his closeness. He went from completely ignoring me and avoiding eye contact to now pinning me against the wall. He started to nibble on my neck and slowly kissed behind my ear. My eyes were closed and the proximity of him was overwhelming. His lips felt amazing, he smelt intoxicating, and his strength was clearly visibly. I was pinned against the wall, my back to his front. I couldn’t move if I wanted to; he wouldn’t have let me. He continued to leave sweet kisses down my neck and across my shoulder. I allowed myself to enjoy the feeling for far too long.

  Once I finally found my voice, I spoke. “I have rules, I told you.”

  He nipped my ear. “That’s bullshit. I don’t care about rules. I asked you a question. Tell me that you don’t have feelings for me, and I’ll leave you alone. I’ve been going crazy trying to ignore you and then I see some asshole flirting with you at your desk this morning. I can’t just sit back any longer and act like I don’t care.”

  He was right. I did have feelings for him, but what those feelings were I was unsure. There was a desire drawing me towards him unlike anything I’d ever experienced in my life. As much as I wanted to fight it, I couldn’t.

  “Tell me Alexa,” he demanded.

  “I’m sorry. I…I can’t.”

  He laced his fingers in between mine, and pulled our hands above my head. I was so turned on that it took everything inside of me to control myself.

  “You can’t, or you won’t?”

  I sighed in frustration. He was quickly wearing on me, and he knew just how to push my buttons.

  “Turn around and look at me.”

  I did as he requested, and in that moment, I was lost in his eyes. He was magnificent. He unlaced our fingers and wrapped me in his arms.

  “Don’t you get it? I never thought I’d see you again, and here you are. Now tell me.”

  I closed my eyes and rested my head against the wall behind me.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  What I did know was that I believed in fate. You can’t change the course of your life as it is already mapped out. You have to embrace it and learn why you are being dealt the cards you are.

  “Fine, if you won’t tell me, then have dinner with me. That’s all I’ll ask of you. We can’t keep playing this cat and mouse game, and if you truly don’t feel anything for me, then I will leave you alone and learn to accept it.”

  I knew the answer before the words left my lips. “Okay.”

  He smiled at me and leaned down, tenderly kissing my lips. I accepted his kiss, gripping his hips and firmly pulling him against me. I realized then how bad I’d missed him.

  “See, that wasn’t so hard,” he said, pressing his pelvis against me. The feeling of his erection set my libido into overdrive. I moaned as he leaned in to my neck, kissing and sucking on my soft skin. He rocked himself against my clit through our clothing, moving with pure precision.

  He kissed his way down my neck and across my collarbone. My eyes were closed, and my breathing erratic. He stopped his assault and kissed my lips, gently, yet so possessively.

  He held our lips together for a moment, until I couldn’t control myself any longer. I moved my arms around his neck and slid my tongue into his mouth. He caressed it passionately, like his life depended on it.

  He started to grind against me again, and I whimpered. His mouth fit perfectly against mine, as did our bodies. He slowed the kiss to a stop, and I felt like an errant toddler ready to throw a temper tantrum wanting more. He ran his fingers down my cheek and spoke in a soft tone, but I didn’t open my eyes.

  “Until later, beautiful.”

  He kissed me again, this time, softly. When I opened my eyes he was walking away. The world around me was spinning. What had just happened? I had broken the rules, and now there was no going back. I had to make the decision whether or not to move forward. I had always told myself I would never get involved with an attorney, much less my boss. Plus, I didn’t know the first thing about dating.

  I grabbed the files I had already retrieved, leaving the rest behind, and went back to my desk. I sat in my chair, still in a daze as a cloud of scenarios raced through my head. An e-mail pinged in on my computer bringing me back to the present.

  To: Alexa Schaefer

  From: Kane Mileski

  Are you going to bring those files in here or act as if nothing happened and stay hiding at your desk all day? I thought we were done playing games. If you prefer, I can come out there?

  To: Kane Mileski

  From: Alexa Schaefer

  Well considering what you just did to me in the file room, I’m scared to be behind closed doors with you. But I don’t doubt that you would do the same to me at my desk, so I’ll come to you.

  To: Alexa Schaefer

  From: Kane Mileski

  You have no idea what I would do to you behind closed doors or not, but I’m a patient man. I could’ve had you in the file room any way I pleased. Do not be scared. Come in here and leave the door open. It’s almost time to leave, and then you may want to be scared.

  Geez! This man was exhausting and extremely intense. I was supposed to be fighting these feelings. I should just have dinner with him and end this before it went any further.

  I walked into his office, and he immediately smiled at me.

  “Why, thank you. Now, if you could please not distract me so we can review these files. I have to get out of here soon. I’m taking the most breathtaking woman out to dinner tonight. Do you have any suggestions on where I should take her?” he asked.

  So, he wanted to play games. I batted my lashes at him and looked deep in thought. “Hmm, I’m sorry. I can’t help you out there. I heard she’s hard to plea
se and that you’ve only got one shot. Good luck.”

  His mouth curved in to a mischievous grin. “Oh, Alexa, you better watch your mouth or we won’t make it to dinner.”

  I would have never thought he had such a playful side to him. He always seemed so serious. Maybe I should give this a chance. I needed someone to bring the fun out from inside of me. I was always so reserved and cautious with my emotions. I needed to be in control of everything all the time, but with Vincent that seemed to wash away as if I didn’t have a choice.

  By the time we looked at the clock it was 7:15p.m.

  “Are you ready for dinner?” he asked.

  “Absolutely. Where are we going?”

  He shrugged his shoulders and cocked his eyebrow. “That’s a surprise, but I think you’ll love it.”

  I smiled. “Good, I love surprises.”

  I went back to my desk and signed off of my computer, gathering my purse and cell phone. I watched Vincent in his office shrugging his coat on. He really was quite large and had to be well over six feet tall. I could tell he took good care of himself, not to mention the Arizona sun had done wonders to his tan skin. His dark hair was messy tonight, and as always, I wanted to have my fingers in it. He walked towards me with his normal confidence and authority unlike any man I had been with before.

  “Are you ready, beautiful?”

  He held his arm out to me, and I looped mine through his as we walked to the elevator. Before the doors were closed, we were in each other’s arms. Our mouths instantly locked on one another. I grabbed his hair; it felt so good to have my fingers in it. I deepened the kiss and heard a growl escape his throat. He lifted me up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist, holding onto me by the back of my thighs.

  Fuck. The elevator stopped, and just as the doors opened, he sat me back on my feet. I had to hold onto the lapels of his coat for balance. An older gentleman, who I hadn’t seen before, got in with us. He smiled and turned to face the doors.

  Vincent took one of my hands in his and looked down at me with that panty- dropping smile. He brought my hand to his lips, kissing each one of my fingers, stopping only to suck on my pinky finger. He closed his eyes and his warm mouth slowly moved up and down; I could’ve come from that alone. When we reached the lobby, Vincent didn’t let go of my hand as we walked out of the building toward our cars.