Sam wrapped his arms around her. “It was an accident. Not your fault.”
She let him hold her but stayed ramrod straight, obviously trying to manage her fear and anxiety. “It was my fault. I’m sure I read the directions wrong and Charlie got hurt because of it. Because of me!”
She yanked away from him, pacing next to the car. “Maybe the Johnsons are doing the right thing.” Her eyes searched his. “I felt like an idiot when the nurse gave me his discharge papers. Do you know how long it takes me to figure out the right dose of medicine for him? How many things I have to memorize and hope I don’t mess up? He’s still a baby, Sam. What’s going to happen when he gets into school and needs help with his homework? When he wants me to read real books to him? He’s going to know his mother is stupid.”
“Stop it.” Sam grabbed her wrists and pulled her to him, forcing her to look up at him. “Learning disabilities don’t make you stupid.”
“You don’t know how people have looked at me my whole life. It will kill me if Charlie someday looks at me like that.” She took a deep, shuddering breath and Sam felt the fight go out of her.
“He’s not going to, Julia. He’s going to see you like I do. Like your family does. Like a brave, intelligent, fearless woman who doesn’t let anything hold her back.”
“Really?” She gave him a sad smile. “Because I don’t see anyone around here who fits your description.” She shrugged out of his embrace and opened the door of her car. “I need to get him home. Thanks for coming, Sam.”
“I’ll meet you at your apartment.”
“You don’t need to—”
“I’m going to pick up dinner and a change of clothes and I’ll be there within the hour. For once, don’t argue with me. Please.”
She nodded. “Nice touch with the please.”
He watched her drive away then headed to his own car. He had to make Julia see how much she had to offer her son. That was the key to her winning the custody battle, no matter what crazy accusations her ex-boyfriend’s family threw out. If he could make her believe in herself, he knew she was strong enough to overcome any odds.
She’d win and he’d get the hell out of her life. His heart was lacking what it took to give her the life she deserved. He knew for certain that if she got too close to him, he’d only hurt her and Charlie. Just like he had today.
Sam was like a tin man, without a real heart. He might have been born with one but it had shriveled into nothing when his mother died. He couldn’t risk loving and being hurt like that again.
* * *
Julia was standing over Charlie’s crib when the doorbell rang. Casper growled softly from his place next to her.
“No bark,” she whispered, amazed at how the dog seemed to know to keep quiet while Charlie was asleep.
She padded to the door.
“How’s Charlie?” Sam asked when she opened it.
She nodded and stepped back. “Sleeping soundly.”
Casper gave Sam a full-tooth grin and wagged his stubby tail. “No home for this guy yet?” Sam asked, reaching down to scratch behind the dog’s ears. “You need to learn to keep your choppers hidden, buddy.”
“I’m adopting him.”
Sam’s eyebrows rose. “Kind of a small place for a big dog.”
“Charlie loves him.” She didn’t want to admit how much of her decision was based on her need to make something work, even if it was rescuing a stray animal. She took the carryout bag from his hand and turned for the kitchen.
Sam grabbed her around the waist and pulled her against him. “You’ve got a sharp tongue but a soft heart,” he whispered against her ear.
“Wicked elbow, too,” she said and jabbed him in the stomach.
He grunted a laugh and released her. “Why is it you don’t want people to see how much you care?”
She busied herself pulling plates out of the cabinet. “I care about Charlie. That’s enough for me.”
“Ida Garvey told me you volunteered to do hair for the middle-school dance team’s competition next month.”
“Did you see those girls last year? It was updo à la light socket. I know Southerners love big hair but jeez.” She set the table and took out the food. “Is this from Carl’s?”
“Double burgers with cheese. Hope you approve.”
“Perfect.”
“I also heard you go to the retirement home once a week and do the ladies’ hair.”
She shrugged. “A lot of those gals were once customers at the Hairhouse, and their daughters and granddaughters still are. It’s good for my business.”
“It’s because you care.”
Why was Sam giving her the third degree on her volunteer hours? “You’re making too much of it. I do things that benefit me. Ask anyone around here. I have a long history of being in it for myself.”
“That’s what you want people to believe.”
“That is what they believe.” She picked up a fry and pointed it at him, feeling her temper starting to rise. “What does it matter?”
He folded himself into the seat across from her. “I want you to understand you’re not alone. You have a community here that would rally around you if you gave them a chance.”
She took a bite of burger, her eyes narrowing. What the hell did Sam Callahan know about her part in this community? “Are you seriously giving me a lecture on letting people in, Mr. I-am-a-rock-I-am-an-island? You could take your own advice.”
He frowned. “I’m a part of this community.”
“No, you’re not. You circle around the perimeter and insert yourself when someone needs a helping hand. No one really understands how much you give or the toll it takes on you. You’re always ‘on.’ You’re terrified of being alone with your empty soul, so you spend a little time with a woman. You get her to fall in love with you so you can hold on to the affection without having to offer any in return. People know what kind of cookies you like, so their single daughters can bake you a batch. But you’re as closed off as I am in your own way.”
He got up from the table so quickly she thought he was going to storm out. Instead, he grabbed two beers from her fridge, opened them and handed one to her. “We’re quite a pair,” he said softly, clinking the top of his bottle against hers. “Both so damned independent we’d rather fake an engagement than actually deal with real feelings.”
“It’s better that way,” she answered and took a long drink.
“I used to think so,” he said, and his eyes were so intense on hers she lost her breath for a moment. “Do you ever wonder what it would feel like to let someone in?”
She didn’t need to because she already had, with him.
Oh, no. Where had that thought come from?
It was true. Without realizing it or intending to, Julia had let Sam not only into her life but into her heart, as well.
She was in love with him.
She stood, gripping the edge of the counter as if it was the only solid thing in her world. She’d called him today when Charlie had gotten hurt before she’d even called her mother. She loved him and she needed him. Julia didn’t know which scared her more.
They had a deal, and she was pretty sure Sam was the type of guy who kept his word. He’d help her get through the custody battle as much as he could, but that didn’t mean... It didn’t mean what her heart wanted it to.
“I don’t have room to let anyone in but Charlie,” she said in the most casual tone she could muster. “There’s not enough of me left for anyone else to hold on to. Everything I can give belongs to him.”
“I never had that much to begin with,” Sam said from the table.
When Julia felt as if she could turn around without revealing her true emotions, she smiled at him. “That’s why we’re a perfect match. Hollow to the core.”
Sam tossed her a sexy smile. “I know a good way to fill the void.”
She tried to ignore the flash of electricity that raced along her spine at the suggestion in his words. “It’s been a long day.”
He stood and she wrapped her arms around her waist. “Really long.”
“It could be an even longer night if you play your cards right.”
She couldn’t help the grin that spread across her face. “The only game I play is Old Maid.”
“I’ll teach you.”
“No, thanks.”
He reached out his hand, palm up, but didn’t touch her. “You want to be alone tonight? Say the word and I’ll go. I’m not going to push you.” One side of his mouth quirked. “No matter how much you want me to.”
She shut her eyes, a war raging inside of her. Letting him go was the smart thing to do, the best way to protect what little hold she still had on her heart.
“Tell me to go, Julia.”
“Stay,” she whispered and found herself enveloped in his arms, his mouth pressed hard on hers. Their tongues mingled and she let her hands slide up his back, underneath his shirt, reveling in the corded muscles that tightened at her touch.
“You feel like heaven,” he said as he trailed kisses along her throat, her skin igniting hotter at every touch.
“Bedroom,” she said on a ragged breath. “Now.”
She gave a small squeak as he lifted her into his arms as if she weighed nothing. It felt good to be swept off her feet, even for the few moments he carried her down the hall.
She glanced at the door to Charlie’s room. She hadn’t had a man in her bed since she’d gotten pregnant with her son. It felt new and strange.
“It’s going to be a challenge,” Sam whispered.
“What?”
“Keeping you quiet with what I have planned.”
“Oh.” Her heart skipped a beat at the promise in his voice.
He laid her across the bed then followed her down, kissing her until her senses spun with desire.
“Too many clothes.” She tugged on his shirt.
He stood, pulling the T-shirt over his head and shrugging out of his faded cargo shorts. Julia’s breath caught again. His body was perfect, muscles rippling—actually rippling—as he bent forward and caught the waistband of her shorts with two fingers. She lifted herself to meet him as he undressed her, sliding his soft fingers across her skin.
She tried to speed their pace but Sam wouldn’t have it, taking his time to explore every inch of her. He murmured endearments against her flesh, making it impossible for her to keep her emotions out of the equation.
When he finally entered her, Julia practically hummed with desire. They moved together, climbing to the highest peaks of ecstasy.
Later, as he held her, she tried to convince herself that it was only a physical connection, but her heart burned for him as much as her body did.
When she finally woke, light poured through the curtains. Julia glanced at the clock then bounded out of bed and across the hall. Charlie never slept past seven and it was already nine-thirty. Panic gripped her.
Her son’s crib was empty. She heard voices in the kitchen and took a deep breath. Sam sat at the table next to Charlie’s high chair, giving him spoonfuls of oatmeal.
Charlie waved his sippy cup when he saw her, squealing with delight. Casper trotted up, another big grin spread across his face.
Julia noticed the two paper coffee cups on the counter.
Sam followed her gaze. “We took the dog out to do his business and grabbed coffee and muffins. Charlie picked blueberry for you.”
She dropped a kiss on Charlie’s forehead. “How do you feel, sweet boy?” she asked, and he babbled a response to her. Her fingers brushed over the cast on his arm, but he didn’t seem bothered by it. She sent up a silent prayer of thanks that he was okay.
She turned to Sam, who looked rumpled, sleepy and absolutely irresistible as he stirred the soupy oatmeal with a plastic spoon. “What time did he get up?”
“I heard him talking to himself around sunrise-thirty,” he said with a smile.
Julia grimaced. “He’s an early riser. You should have woken me.”
“You were sleeping soundly. I figure you don’t get too many mornings off, so...”
“Thanks.” She leaned down to kiss him, and he pulled her between his thighs into a quick hug. “For everything. This morning and last night.”
“More,” Charlie yelled, and Sam shifted so he could give the boy another bite.
Julia stepped to the counter and took a long drink of coffee, and then she dug in the bag for a muffin.
This was too easy, she thought, as she watched Sam make faces at Charlie while he fed him, her son laughing and playing peekaboo with his cup. It felt too right. This was what she wanted, for Charlie and for herself. A family. This was what she’d never have with Sam. He’d made it clear to her that he didn’t want a family. Now or ever. The thought was like a swift kick to her gut.
“I should get ready,” she said, realizing her tone must have been too harsh when he glanced at her, a question in his eyes.
“I can stay while you shower,” he offered.
She wanted to refuse. She knew she should push him out of her house and her life before it became harder to think of letting him go. But that would give too much away. Whether it was Old Maid or some other game, Julia did one thing well: playing her cards close to the vest.
“That would be great.” She headed for the bathroom. By the time she was out, Sam had dressed, made her bed and cleaned up the kitchen. Charlie sat watching Sesame Street, cuddled with Casper on the couch as Sam leaned against the back of it.
“When is the next meeting?”
She sighed. “Two days from now.”
“I’ll drive with you.”
She nodded, unable to put into words what that meant to her.
“My dad left a message this morning. He wants to take us to dinner tonight.”
“I can do that.”
“Along with your mom.”
“Uh-oh.”
“You can say that again. If those two are plotting...”
“Do you think they suspect anything?”
He shook his head. “They want to talk about wedding plans.”
Julia’s stomach lurched. “That’s bad.”
Sam pushed away from the couch. “We’ll make it work. We’ve come this far.”
He brushed his lips against hers, a soft touch but it still made her stomach quiver. “Five-thirty. Do you want me to pick you up?”
“I’ll have to get Charlie from the sitter’s first. I’ll meet you there.”
He kissed her again. “Have a good day, Julia.”
He made those five little words sound like a caress.
“You, too,” she muttered and stepped back.
“I’ll see you later, buddy.” Sam bent and ruffled Charlie’s hair, the gesture so natural Julia felt herself melt all over again.
Charlie’s fist popped out of his mouth. “’Bye, Dada,” he said, not taking his eyes from the television.
Sam straightened slowly.
“He didn’t mean anything,” Julia said with a forced laugh, not wanting to reveal how disconcerted she felt.
“I know,” Sam said softly.
“He knows you’re not his dad. He doesn’t even understand what that word means. It’s something he sees on TV. A word for men. It isn’t—”
“Julia.” He cut her off, his hand chopping through the air. “It’s okay.”
But it wasn’t okay. Sam was spooked. She knew by the way he didn’t turn to her again. He lifted his hand to wave, and with a stilted “See you later,” he was gone.
Chapter Thirteen
Sam was freaked out. He took another drink of his beer and glanced around the crowd at Carl’s, reliving the pure terror he’d felt this morning.
In his career as a police officer, he’d had guns and knives pulled on him, dealt with drug dealers, prostitutes and an assortment of random losers. He didn’t lose his cool or let his guard down. The danger and risk of the job never rattled him.
But one word from a toddler had shaken him to his core. Charlie’d called him Dada. Although Julia had tried to play it off, he knew that she was affected by it, too. He’d heard it in her tone. Not that he’d been able to do much talking, afraid his voice would crack under the weight of the conflicting emotions warring inside him.
Sam had never planned on being a father. Even when he’d been engaged to Jenny, neither of them had wanted kids. That was one of the things that had made him propose, even when he’d had the nagging sense something wasn’t right in their relationship. It wasn’t every day a guy found a woman who wasn’t itching to have babies.
Sam liked kids, but he knew he didn’t have what it took to be a decent father. He lacked the emotional depth to put someone else’s needs before his own. He believed he was incapable of feeling something, much like his own father had been after his mother’s death.
Charlie made him want to change, to be a better man.
He loved the feeling of that boy cuddled against him, his small head nestled in the crook of Sam’s neck. He loved watching him follow the silly dog around and vice versa. He especially loved seeing Julia with Charlie, how happy it made her to be with her son.
He hadn’t understood that bond when Charlie was a newborn. When he’d seen Julia with the small bundle after the boy’s birth, Sam had run the other way. Part of him might have known instinctively how much he’d want to be a part of their world.
That was impossible. He could help her fight for her son, but he didn’t have any more to give. He understood the look in her eyes when she’d thought he was in danger. He remembered the same fear in his mother’s eyes each time the phone rang while his father was on duty. Her fear and worry had eventually turned into resentment.
Her Accidental Engagement (Harlequin Special Edition) Page 15
