Since starting, she has acquired two large clients with multiple stores needing interior design planning. To say she is busy is an understatement.
“Evan! Isn’t this car so pretty?” Mom says from behind the steering wheel. I would go as far as saying that I miss them being around the house, but not to them.
The next day I pick up Nikki, Ash, and Lia to take Lia job hunting. She decides the mall will be the best place to start, so we post up at the food court in front of the pretzel shop while Lia walks the mall, looking for places to apply. Nikki sulks about being at the mall while Asher is messing around on his phone as we wait. I sit back and people watch, focusing on all of the couples and how happy they seem.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
Distracting myself, I think about what today is ... Wednesday, our hangout night at G.G’s. While I don’t want to appear desperate to see Brody, I do want to find out if he will be there.“Hey, are we going to G.G’s tonight?” I ask methodically.
With Gavin’s recent change in visitations and Brody being off the radar for a couple of days, it is highly possible that he won’t even be there.
“Yeah, it’s tradition!” Nikki says laboriously.“Why wouldn’t we?”
“I’lltext Brody,” Ash says as he taps his phone.
I watch him text and wish that I could be the one asking him. A text from me wouldn’t be received like Asher’s though.
Asher laughs to himself.“Ha, he responded! I didn’t expect him to.”
I guess Ash had tried him before without a response.
“What did he say?” I ask as casually as I can.
Nikki looks at me suspiciously out of my peripheral, so I keep my eyes focused on Asher.
“He said he is down for G.G’s. I’lltell him six?” Asher asks as he taps on his phone.
“Yeah, we should be back by then,” Nikki comments.
“Ah, wait, never mind,” Asher growls suddenly.
“What? Did that little shit just cancel?” Nikki challenges.
“He said he can’t make it after all; work,” Asher delivers while rolling his eyes.“That boy works too damn hard.”
Asher looks at me with sympathetic eyes, then back down at his phone as he resumed tapping at the keys.
He probably told Brody I was going to be there and he changed his mind. Asher is most likely responding that he shouldn’t avoid me, but he would never confess to their conversation if I asked, maybe.
“Did you tell him I was going to be there?” I question Asher.
Nikki jumps in defensively,“What would it matter if he did?”
“Well, I’m the last person he would want to be around, so if Ash said something about me being there that could have made him change his mind.”
Nikki sits up from her slouched position and aims her attention to me.“You can’t honestly believe that, Ev. You heard Ash,he has been working a shitload of hours.”
I don’t want to discuss what I do and don’t believe. If she wants to believe in the chance that Brody and I are still friends or something more, than she can hold on to that. I know better, even if my heart is still pulling for strings. I just nod in apparent agreement because it is easier just as Lia rushes up to our table with brightened eyes and a huge smile.
“I got a job!” she announces proudly.
“That fast?” I ask with excitement.“You have only been here for an hour and a half!”
“I thought you were just interviewing today?” Nikki probes.
Lia’s smile is contagious. She sits down at the table, tucks her hands into the arm holes of her sweater. “I was, but this store is opening in a few days and they are still short staffed. The manager asked if I could interview now, so I said yes. She hired me! I start next week!”
She claps her hands together, the same way my mom does, and it makes me laugh a little.“The first place you went you got hired?” My question is rhetorical and I am so happy for her luck.
“I know! It’s crazy!” she says as she giggles.
I am not one to initiate hugs, but seeing Lia’s joy tugs at my heart. I get up and envelope her in a bear hug that would trump all in the history of bear hugs.
“Congratulation!” My voice goes up an octave too high, bordering a squeal. I have never squealed in my life, but I’m glad my first was spent on Lia.
***
I drive Lia to work three times a week.
“I feel terrible that you have to do this,” she makes note.
“It isn’t a big deal, Lia. I have bummed rides off of Asher and Brody for the past year. It is time for me to pay it forward.” I almost tell her that it is time for me to pay it back, but that would entail me taking Brody places.
“Plus, it isn’t like I have a social life,” I add as I put my blinker on to make a left.
“You will. You are graduating in like two months and you are going to UT. You are going to have more social life than you can handle,” Lia encourages as I drive.
While I can appreciate optimism, I don’t share it, especially now. I put aside her motivational talk.“Yeah, well I’m sure I will be too busy with classes and studying. Won’t have much time for anything else.”
“You mean you hope you won’t have time to think about Brody.” This is foreign coming from Lia. She is normally soft spoken and delicate about what she says. Her bold and spot-on statement catch me off guard. As we approach as stoplight I glance over at her. She shrinks deeper into her seat then looks out her side window of the car.
She stays silent as do I, until we are through the light and a ways down the road.“I know you think he is pushing you away from him, that he doesn’t want to be around you anymore. It is just the opposite. At least you don’t have your parents pushing the distance between you two.”
I don’t quite know what she is hinting at.“What do you mean?”
“After this year, I won’t be going back to Braxton Springs. I’m transferring and I want to go where Gavin will go, but my parents aren’t supportive.” She picks at the invisible lint on the long-sleeve sweater hanging over her wrists.
I recall moments of Mom and Dad denying my time with Brody.“My parents weren’t the most supportive at the beginning, Lia.”
I wonder if they would be unsupportive again if they knew about the rift between Brody and me.“If given the chance, they may not be supportive of it now. I just haven’t talked to them about him lately.”
Wait, I haven’t heard anything about Gavin transferring after he gets out of Pembroke. Don’t get me wrong, it would be a good thing,maybe give him a fresh start. Still, I’m surprised I haven’t heard anything. I do a quick take at Liaas I drive.“When did you hear about Gavin going to a different school?”
“Mrs. Ferguson and Brody were talking about it a couple of weeks ago when I stopped by. They said he was going to CedarbrookHigh School, which is about ten miles away. My parents were considering sending me there until I made the mistake of mentioning Gavin going there.” She shakes her head in disgust.“They aren’t being fair. They know nothing about his life. They live in their perfect little world, with their perfect jobs, perfectly removed from reality.”
To hear the bitterness in her words reminds me of me and how I still sometimes view my parents and their menial existence.“You have to help them see it.”
She doesn’t seem to listen to my advice as she announces,“I’m going to CedarbrookHigh School with him. I am not going to spend another year at Braxton Springs.”
A long silence fills the car again, until Liabreaks it with yet another statement.“Believe it or not, he cares about you, Evan.”
First Nikki, now Lia! What? Is there some conspiracy among them to keep me hanging on to Brody Ferguson? While it would be fine and dandy to believe both of them, they haven’t experienced the rejection, pure evidence that he doesn’t want me around. It is hard to even consider he wants anything to do with me ever again, even a platonic friendship. I grip the steering wheel a little harder remembering ho
w it felt to have him push me away over and over again over the past few months, then act like nothing happened when we met at G.G’s.
Still, her resolve and belief lead me to question her.“And you know this how?”
She shrugs.“He asks about you.”
Whoa!
A million questions and thoughts run through my head, but I barely get out,“He asks about me? When did you talk to him?”
Sheepishly, she raises her hands in surrender, like I’m going to bite her head off or something.“It has only been a couple of times and it is always about you. It’s usually late at night, after he is done with work, I guess.”
So all of those nights he sat on the back porch, a beer in hand, he could have been texting her about me? It seems like the past few months have been the biggest loss, because all he had to do was look up at my window and see that I was there, wishing I could talk to him, tell him how I was doing and ask how he was doing. He didn’t have to resort to asking Lia ... or did he? Did he have his reasons for steering clear of me?
I pull up to the mall entrance, completely entranced by the fantasy of Brody looking up at my window and me running down to meet him on his porch.
“Look, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just don’t want you to go on thinking he doesn’t think about you or ask about you. He cares about you, Evan.” She gives me a sincere nod, then gets out of the car.
On the drive home, I imagine how things could be right now if Brody had only texted me instead of Lia. I look over at the empty seat next to me. He would probably be riding shotgun. If he had texted me instead, I would have gone over there and I would have asked him what was making him stay away. Even though I would be afraid of what his answer could be, that he didn’t want to be around me anymore, I would find the strength to ask so I could be done with the torturous guessing I am left with right now.
Chapter 12:
Armor
May
April went by fast and May has brought endless course projects, studying for final exams, preparing for graduation, counseling meetings with Dr. Larson two times a month, and taking Lia to and from work after school and on the weekends. Dr. Larson sticks to the same initial questions at every visit now: How are you feeling? Do you have feelings of harming yourself? Do you want to harm others? Are you taking your medication? Insomnia? Side effects? Blah, blah, blah.
She is either becoming the blah, blah, blah shrink, or distracted. Maybe she is losing steam with my file, not enough psychologically thrilling meat on my bones for her. No complaints here though. The less she sees issue with me, the better. I mean it has been almost five months since I stopped taking my meds and she hasn’t noticed. Either I’m doing better or she is pre-occupied.
We are still meeting at G.G’s on Wednesday nights. Brody usually arrives late and leaves early, avoiding me as much as possible with only a brief“Hi” and“Bye,” barely a look or two.
His basic, run-of-the-mill excuses -“I need to get home and study” or“I’m tired” – were becoming exhausted.
It is harder to hold back my emotions every time I see him, especially after Lia told me about the texts he would send her. When he is around, I find myself looking deeper into his fake grin and light conversation, seeking out some kind of hidden S.O.S. Unfortunately, he is disguised to perfection.
May thirteenth was the day that Brody’s armor started chipping away. I was sitting at my desk studying when I received a text from Nikki.
Nikki: Brody wants us at his house.
News about Gav.
***
Once we are all there, Brody tells us that Dr. Larson wants all of us to come down to the center to see Gav.
“He would love to see everyone,” Mrs. Ferguson says.
Nikki and Ash hadn’t been to the center; they refused every time we asked. It surprised me when they agreed to go. Nikki had said,“We will be celebrating Gavleaving that white-walled institution come June.”
Her rally and determined words that Gavin was destined to leave the center kept us on a high until we got to the center the next day.
Lia, Nikki, Asher, Brody, Mrs. Ferguson, and I sit side by side in the Pembroke lobby waiting for Dr. Larson to appear in the doorway to give us news about Gavin being released before his birthday. I glance down at Brody’s hand resting on the top of his oil-stained blue jeans. The tingle in my fingers is like a supernatural force willing my hand to reach for his and never let go. This is the closest I sat to Brody and the realization is kicking him, sending my nerves skyward. Mrs. Ferguson sits on the other side of Brody. Upon my quick glance, I can see they both share the same stoic expression, a preparation before seeing Gav. Do I have a similar expression before seeing him? I lean over to Nikki sitting on the other side of me.“They look so worried.” She nods and closes her eyes.“Yeah, you have it too.”
“Really?” I question, second guessing that I could share their expression.
She whispers,“It's like we all have this impenetrable emotion-barring armor meant to shield us from hurt, pain, and all that other shit.”
“Not all of us,” I say to her, facing the fear that I don’t have that armor.
She raises her eyebrows and looks at me sideways. Wanting to force the thought of my lack of armor out of my head, I look back down the line at Mrs. Ferguson. Her eyes are closed and her lips are moving in prayer. Brody is running his thumb against the knee of his jeans with eyes fixed on the closed door leading into the center. Lia is twisting a strand of hair between her fingers barely poking out from under her long-sleeve sweater. Asher is thumping the arm of the chair in time to some imaginary beat in his head, and Nikki is bobbing her crossed leg up and down nervously in time with the gum she is chewing.
Gavin is so happy to see us, but shocked to see Nikki and Ash. The visit is bittersweet; seeing Gavin smile with excitement then having to leave him there. On the way home, Nikki cries and Ash holds her in his arms. I remember the first time I saw Gavin in the center, I cried too. As Ash places his lips on the top of Nikki’s head, she repeats over and over again,“It isn’t fair that all of this is on him.”
She is right that it isn’t fair, but not that all of this burden is on him. I watch Brody rest his elbow on the interior of the car door, his hand holding up his tilted head. His mom, she is looking out her side window and I know she is worrying just by the stiffness in the way she is sitting. It isn’t all on him.
***
Tonight insomnia has fully kicked in and I am laying here in bed, wondering why Nikki kept saying what she did:“It isn’t fair.”
I never asked her. Did she think what happened to Gavin being bullied was unfair? Him being put away in Pembroke while everyone else involved was out here unfair? Or was it just Gavin and the Ferguson family having to endure a multitude of agonies and tragedies? Knowing Nikki, it is probably all of that shit, one lump sum of everything unfair in the world.
A week later I visit Gavin to deliver the prints of his nurse, Nurse Cindy, and the two orderlies he has befriended. He gave me the film last week and told me they had never had portraits done of themselves. He pleaded with me to handle them with care. When I give him the prints, I tell him they are his best work yet. His eyes light up and he smiles widely, like he used to at home.
***
My birthday is the following week. It falls on a Thursday so Nikki thinks it would be fun to celebrate at G.G.’s on Wednesday. I’m not sure about it.
I pull into G.G.’s parking lot, immediately scanning for his blue Mustang, but I don’t see it. As soon as I walk in, the waitress recognizes me immediately and smiles.“Happy Birthday, Evan!”
I guess this is what it is like to be a regular; the staff knowyour name. I smile graciously.“Thanks.”
“I’llbring you a Dr. Pepper,” she says as she walks back into the kitchen.
The sombreros atop my friends are the first things I see as I walk to our booth.
Oh my God.
I feel the flesh on my cheeks burn as emba
rrassment washes over me. I have to smile though, pegging Nikki as the planner of the event and Ash as the bringer of sombreros. I could practically hear him saying that sombreros were a must. As I slowly walk up to the booth, Nikki notices me and her eyes light up as she announces,“Yay! It’sthe birthday girl!”
As Nikki stands and starts the chorus for Happy Birthday, Asher and Liaclap, whistle, and holler. I can’t keep from smiling, but I also can’t keep from wondering where Brody is. The neighboring tables join in happily. Complete strangers, families, kids, singing Happy Birthday to me. I’m stunned by all of it as Nikki pulls me into the biggest bear hug in the history of bear hugs. Before letting me go, she places her sombrero on my head and pats my shoulder, then sits back down next to Asher.
All three of them pipe up for the finale chorus as I sit down and try to sink low in my seat with little success as Liaintertwines her arm with mine and rocks side to side with me in time with the song,“Happy birthday, dear Evan. Happy birthday to you!”
Everyone claps as the song ends and our waitress sets our drinks on the table. Asher picks up his soda and lifts it to me.“To Evan.”
Liaand Nikki both lift their drinks up and respond announcing,“To Evan.”
“May she follow her heart and may boldness be all that she knows,” Nikki says as she raises her glass to me.
Brody doesn’t come to G.G’s and no one brings him up even though it is lingering in the air above us, the wonder of where he is and why he chose not to come. I think Nikki knew he might not be here and that is why she gave the toast she did.
***
By the time I get home, I am too tired to take off the small amount of makeup I put on. I put my purse down on my desk and look out my window, like I do every night. There he is, sitting on his back porch, his head hung low as he holds a beer between his hands. I don’t see his cell phone so he isn’t texting Lia. I normally would feel sad for him, but I am angry instead. Mad that he is holding a beer again, pushing down all the thoughts he has that fuel his pain and keep him from talking. Mad he isn’t brave enough to text Ash or Lia and tell them he wasn’t going to be at G.G’s tonight because he knew we would be celebrating my birthday. He sits his beer down and pulls something out of his pocket. The glow of his cell phone illuminates and he starts typing.
Reviving Evan (A Dismantling Evan Companion Novella) Page 8
