Was he texting Lia? Asking her about me? Figures he would wait until now. He knows we are all on our way home.
The next day, Mom and Dad take me out to breakfast to officially celebrate my eighteenth birthday.
***
“You have been making your visits to Dr. Larson, taking your medication...” Mom starts off when Dad cuts in,“I can really tell the difference in your personality, Evan.”
Huh, I am not on any medication at all. I have quit and this is all me. I’m not going to disclose something like this right now; it will just start a discussion about how I’m not being responsible. I am though, even more so than my high school counterparts. I want to yell out that I am just a normal teen and me not taking my meds for the past few months and how they are seeing me now, I don’t need any medication and I am not borderline whatever! I’m just a teen going through the ups and downs of life, though more downs as of late.
“So, what did Brody get you?” Mom questions as she sips her cup of coffee
It was inevitable that she would ask,I am just not prepared for it.“Uh, we didn’t exchange gifts this year because of ... everything.”
It is partially true. I mean, all of us talked about it briefly at G.G.’s one night, not just Brody and I, but collectively. We weren’t much into celebrating with Gavin away, so we decided to curb all gifting.
My response quickly changes the subject to my graduating from high school in less than two weeks and the visit to UT for freshman orientation. Some may argue that it isn’t a lighter topic, but in comparison to my life map, it is.
“Just so you know,I don’t expect anything for graduation.”
Mom looks at me like I have spit food across the table or something.“What? Of course we are getting you something.”
I shake my head.“No, really, I don’t need anything more.”
She shakes her head as well and pokes her food with her fork,“That is ridiculous, honey. We want to celebrate you.”
I’m about to push back again when Dad comes to the rescue.“Honey, leave her be. We can give her cash. College kids always need cash.”
Mom tilts her head from side to side, then smiles at me and points her fork in the air in my direction.“He is right,cash is king when you are a college student.”
I still feel bad for telling them I didn’t want anything, because it is obvious Mom was set on it.“The cash would be awesome. I just don’t feel like celebrating with gifts under the circumstances, that’s all.”
Dad smiles at me then takes another bite of his cheese and mushroom omelet.
Chapter 13:
Graduation
It is decided that graduation is going to be held in our auditorium the last weekend in May. The very place that still holds the memory of our friend losing it and vying to exert his pain by attempting to take his life publicly.The graduation committee was formed shortly after school started back in January. I suppose as some kind of penance deemed worthy by the principal and powers that be, Celine and Spencer were put in charge of the event and ceremony. Even if it was intended as a form of penance, Celine and Spencer have turned it around to form a token of their redemption, quickly winning back the hearts of the staff, the PTA in which their parents were highly involved, and the student body, while seeking“invisible revenge” on us. As we all watch Celine and Spencer pull themselves back up the social ladder, it is an even further blow that Nikki and I have to make acknowledgements and praises for what they have accomplished for the graduating classes ceremony in the school paper.
This morning, Celine and Spencer make a school announcement over the intercom, saying they thought holding the ceremony at the school would be a way for the student body and community to change the memory from one that is tragic to one of celebration. They did not intend for it to cause any upset in the community, only bring celebration.
Politically, that all made sense ... for their sake; it redeems them.Poetically, it is a brilliant idea to put aside the memory of something that is an unnecessary burden, something of the past. Emotionally, it is a kick in the teeth to all of the underdogs, the loners, the leftovers, the outcasts who still hold the burden of both Gavin’s and our own plight.
Nikki, Lia, Ash, Brody, and I plan to meet at G.G’s after school. Everyone responds to the text except Brody. The waitress brings us drinks even though we haven’t ordered; she knows our usual. As Lia fidgets in her seat, pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her etched wrists, Nikki rants about the assholes rehashing everything that is painful while Asher tries to calm her.
Even though I am physically present, I want to leave, find Brody at work or at home and tell him that I am sorry they are doing this and even though he and I have this rift between us that is so wide, I want to push all the bullshit aside and be there for him. But I don’t. I just think about him while the conversation flows around me. Later that night his silhouette isn’t on his back porch with a bottle of beer and cell phone in hand. I wait up until I can’t keep my eyes open and he still isn’t there.
***
It’stwo days before graduation. I hear muffled talking coming from Brody’s back porch. Stealthily, I resume my post at the window and eavesdrop.
“No! I’m not going, Ma!” Brody voice echoes firmly
Mrs. Ferguson coughs before speaking,“Brody, this is your graduation for God’s sake!”
His voice eclipses hers in volume,“Do you hear yourself? You are justifying them holding graduation in the very building that...”
She is a strong woman, and she makes it known as she raises her own voice.“It is just a building made of brick and concrete! It doesn’t hold anything else unless you give it the power to.” She nearly spits it out before she falls into another spasm of coughs.
“Brody, what I think your mom is trying to say iswe need to look past what happened in there.” It’s Asher, he is there too. He is trying to bring reason to the table for Mrs. Ferguson’s sake even though just the other night he told us how he really felt about it. He called it a slap in the face to all of those who had ever been ridiculed.
Suddenly, my phone dings and I snag it up from the bed to read the text.
Nikki: Ash is at Brody’s. Says something is
going down.
Me: Brody says he isn’t going to graduation.
Nikki: WTF!
As Brody unleashes his rage about Celine and Spencer“pulling this holier-than-thou act just to save face,” Asher tries to calm him down as I hear Mrs. Ferguson’s cough muffle then disappear behind the closing of the back porch door.
I see Brody standing in front of Asher as he seethes,“I will never look past anything that happened at that school. Everyone is forgetting what happened, what it really meant. It's like they don’t care and are ready to move on with their own lives while we are still stuck in ours.”
His words, hearing him talk for the first time in a long time, it reminds me of what I have been thinking all along and pisses me off just the same that he hasn’t tried to talk to any of us about it until now. I don’t think as I walk out of my room and down the stairs, typing quickly on my phone.
Me: I’m going over there.
Nikki: What are you going to do?
I slip the phone in my pocket,walk through the kitchen and out the back door. My phone dings again, a missed text from Nikki I’m sure. I ignore it as I open our side gate. As I pass through the Ferguson’s side gate and round the corner of the porch, Brody notices and stumbles back from Asher, tucking his hands in his jeans.“Shit,” he mumbles under his breath as he looks down at the ground.
For the past few months, I have been stumbling over my words, getting tongue tied and watching what I say around him, but that stops now.“I haven’t forgotten and I never will. Going would feel like I was putting aside everything that happened to him and to us. I’m not going either.”
Brody looks up at me stoically.“You should go.”
“The hell I will! I know this has hurt you the worst of all of us,
Brody, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t hurt. All of us feel the pain.” I don’t know where I get the strength or bravery to say it, but I silently thank the powers that be for giving me the words to say everything I am feeling. Brody studies me, searches my eyes, but doesn’t say anything; neither does Ash. Have I finally broken through and made him understand that he isn’t in this alone?
I hear the side gate open and shut then Nikki’s out-of-breath voice declare,“It is just a ceremony. Doesn’t mean anything.It’s not like we won’t graduate if we don’t go. I’m out.”
“Okay, so we are all in. We aren’t walking the stage,” Asher clarifies.
We all exchange a glance and just like that it is set in stone that we won’t be at the graduation ceremony.
***
I’m not upset about ditching graduation. Walking across the very stage Brody tackled Gavin to the ground is something I have dreaded since the day they finalized the location. Brody drew a line in the sand and we joined him. My parents didn’t find my choosing to skip graduation amusing though.
“What the hell are you talking about, Evan?” Mom huffs, shocked and wide eyed.
“What’s going on?” Dad asks as he walks into the kitchen.
“Your daughter is not going to go to the graduation ceremony!”
Dad tries to calm the situation.“Hold on, hold on. What happened?”
I start to explain, but Mom’s voice carries over mine.“Brody happened!”
I snap,“Don’t do that! He didn’t decide for me! I did! Walking across that stage would be like stepping on everything that Gavin stood for that day!”
Mom nods severely, aiming to make a point of my idiocy.“Yeah, sure, a symbolic gesture, and you are going to miss graduation because of it?”
“This is more than a symbolic gesture!” I am beyond irate with her ignorance.“Have you so quickly forgotten what happened in that auditorium!Have you glazed over like the rest of this town?”
“Evan,” Dad warns.
I meet him eye to eye.“Don’t warn me like that. I’m not a fucking child!”
Everything is bad. Everything is wrong. Nothing can be made right, unless I make them understand by hearing me.
“Don’t you dare talk to me in that tone, Evangeline,” Dad says acutely.
You are fucking spiraling, Evan. Breathe.
I back away from them and fold my arms, closing myself off. I shut my eyes as I think.
Just stop, Evan, let it go.
No, I don’t want to. I want to let it ride. I want to rage and to let it all out in the ideal hope that I will feel better and all of the chaos of wrongness will clear.
“You aren’t getting it. I’m not doing this to be some kind of symbol. I can’t walk across that stage with what happened there!”
“And not going to your high school graduation, something you have worked hard for, is meant to be a symbol of taking a stand?” Dad asks as he leans casually against the kitchen counter. Their hovering and pushing persists with needle-like precision, jabbing and poking. Condescending, his words are lofty and patronizing and twisting my reason for not going.
“NO!”
“This is a warped decision, Evan, and if this is what you plan to do...” Mom harps.
“Warped decision?What about warped humanity, Mom? Ignoring the injustice done to your daughter’s friend, your neighbor’s son! That suits you just fine, right?”
“These are the types of mature decisions you are making going into college? The decisions you will be making about your education?” Mom continues to interrogate.
“I am eighteen years old! My decisions and my reasons for them are mine and you have no right judging my decisions about my education!”
“As long as we are paying for your education, the decisions on your education are partly ours as well as your health. I’m not sure you are making wise decision about either!”
“Oh, oh, you mean taking my medication and seeing Dr. Larson?”
I mimic Mom’s demanding tone as she continues to rant to Dad about how I’m blowing this whole conversation out of proportion.“Did you take your medicine, Evan? Don’t forget about Dr. Larson’s appointment, Evan. Now, Evan, you seem irritated today, are you drugging yourself properly?”
“Now that is enough, both of you!” Dad demands.
I walk away from them as their back and forth jabbering follows me up the stairs until I slam my door shut, closing out the rambling. I reach for my earbuds and phone, turn on my playlist, and lean against the door, shutting this screwed-up day out.
Chapter 14:
Torn and Damaged
Myparents don’t attempt to apologize, which leaves me hopeless and realizing that they will never understand why we were doing what we were. They hadn’t walked in our shoes for the last few months, so what could I expect really.
The next morning, I wake with the feeling of the day already being torn and damaged. Maybe from the fight with Mom and Dad yesterday? No, the tear and damage has existed longer. The fight just added another layer of damage. I damn the logical side of me reprimanding me for not taking my meds, chiding that this probably wouldn’t have happened and I wouldn’t feel this way if I only drugged myself. That logic is wrong.
We sit in at the office of our high school waiting to tell Mrs. Warren, our counselor, that we aren’t going to be a part of graduation. Brody is the last to show up, just as Mrs. Warren walks in. The look she is giving us borders between a glare of disdain and an accusatory scowl. I have a bad feeling about how this will turn out. Her stiff persona doesn’t exude the warm and fuzzy supportive mentor it was weeks ago when we were discussing my college ventures.
“So this is about graduation?”she questions rhetorically.“Follow me to my office,”she says before she glances over at the receptionist.“Is Mr. Kipleyready?”
The principal? Was he meeting with us about this too? Oh great!
“He will be in shortly,”the receptionist responds.
We each look at each other and I wonder what both of them have conspired for this meeting. Were they planning on talking us out of it? Double teaming us? That wasn’t going to happen.
“We are not participating in the graduation ceremony.”Nikki’s no-nonsense approach starts the ball rolling the conversation.
“Really?Well, that is a surprise, Miss Bell. I thought...”Mrs. Warren is interrupted by Mr. Kipley knocking then entering her office.
“Morning, everyone,”he says as he shakes each of our hands.
I imagine how the dialogue will start between us.
Hi, Mr. Kipley. Your agreeing to hold graduation in the auditorium sucks.
“Miss Bell was just telling me that they are not going to walk the stage for graduation,”Mrs. Warren announces with disappointment in her voice.
Mr. Kipleyseems confused at first as he looks at each of us. Then his confusion shifts to that of displeasure as he shakes his head and folds his arms over his chest.“I have to tell you, this seems like an act of aggression meant to sabotage the graduation.”
“Are you serious?”Brody asks fearlessly.
He meets Brody, eye to eye.“Yes, completely.The committee has worked long and tirelessly to turn this ceremony into an avenue of healing for our school and student body and you are attempting to impair...”
“We aren’t trying to impair anything!”Brody interrupts.
Mr. Kipleygive me a look of admonishment that would normally make me shrink, but I’m pissed off right now, so it doesn’t affect me.“This isn’t an avenue of healing. It is a way for you to blanket over the injustice that has happened and we don’t want to be a part of it. We don’t have to walk. It’s not like we haven’t proven ourselves academically. We will still graduate.”
“You don’t even need to call out our names,”Nikki adds.
“How do your parents feel about this?”Mr. Kipley asks.
“I can contact them,”Mrs. Warren adds.
Brody looks at her,“They already know we are d
oing this and we have made our decision.”
“The district will have to clear this,”Mr. Kipleysays like he is attempting to thwart our plans. Asher firmly says,“Then you should clear it, sir, because we won’t be there.”
***
It’sthe day of graduation and I’m lying in bed awake, imagining all of the seniors getting ready for the ceremony. Before Mom leaves for work, she knocks on my door.
“Are you awake?”Her voice is full of dismay.
“Yeah,”I respond.
“I’m leaving for work.”
Her tone still has the guilt-giving edge it has held for the last two days. I think her intention is to guilt me into the realization that I have made a huge mistake missing my ceremony and at the twenty-fourth hour, I will finally admit my wrongdoing and attend graduation.
“Okay. Bye.”
I hear her car start, then the sound of the engine slowly lessens as she drives away.
***
It is mid-morning and I finally roll out of bed, use the restroom, then force myself to take a shower. I stay in the stream of water until it begins to run cold, not even attempting wash or shampoo. Is this what Dr. Larson talked about? The lows. The lows my mother said she experienced in high school and college. Or it is just life.
Reviving Evan (A Dismantling Evan Companion Novella) Page 9
