The Celestial Sea

by Marina de Nadous

  Afternoon, Adrian: He drives; she waits for children. He frowns; has he disappointed her——speaking out so boldly? Pruning back The Leafy Glade——more is now exposed——their secret opened. But——the clouds disperse. He trusts her. He has seen her reel before and rise up stronger. More of her is appearing. Noble Woman——a writer of notes. He smiles; glad to be sharing the adventure.

  Mouse: She sits——waiting for children. He drives, new man that he is. She thinks; will he worry that he has said too much; placing their secret in the open? She hopes he knows her well by now. Not much can unseat her. All movement leads to greater strength. And then comes his message——their thoughts crossing. How in tune they are. Adventure indeed, My Beautiful Lover.

  A solitary evening awaits me at home. With The Laird and Lord Swallow both away I am left to children’s bedtime, story telling and our copious text logging. Goodness me, we seem to have an endless supply of literary gems on our hands. Will we ever run out of romantic expression?

  P.m Mouse: The Laird, now off to town he goes, with tartan trews and polished toes. Tis whisky speech that he doth make; to teach, discuss and taste, the merits of his favourite malts. Lord Swallow, on the other hand, is out of town in a foreign land; to lead and work in fields of truth; to teach and share and lend a hand.

  Their Mountain Lady, left alone, breathes deep and long in contemplation——still so surprised at life’s blessed gift, desiring no cessation—

  Saturday 28th October 2006

  A.m. Mouse: Good morning, My Darling. I hope you are really well. How are the new clothes? You can’t be young Mattie Groves any more, that’s for sure——more like Lancelot to Arthur and Guinevere. I’m sleeping in one of your long-sleeved T-shirts——been wrapped up in you all night. Makes me feel very close to you. Managed a bath last night. Wet hair to bed means your Little Mousewife looks as if she has been plugged into the light socket! Have a really wonderful day; filled with life.

  Adrian is focused on the duties of a full-on weekend course. I don’t hear from him this morning and decide to leave him in peace. I don’t send him any distracting love messages. We have a normal domestic day; housework and town errands. Rinky is staying with a friend. Cedric is away with his classmate, Stephen. The Laird has returned from the whisky do and takes the Go-Getter to play golf with local school chums. We all seem to be very tired. A recently married young woman from College comes to supper. Sadly, her husband left her for someone else after only a year. Oops——at least I have stayed in one place for eighteen years! We can hardly keep our eyes open and fall into bed once she has gone.

  Sunday 29th October 2006

  A.m. Adrian: reaching out to my loved one at last——a small shelf of time in the dynamic of this experience. Such a chance to see myself and my relationship to others. My edge is to stay connected to my feelings and to be a friend. Not too bad——a few disconnections——life-shocks. Wondering how you are, My Lady? Any life-changing events for you? Time to go. Keep texting. Love you. A

  Mouse: My Darling, how lovely to get your message——thought perhaps you needed to be left in peace to concentrate on the course. I’ve been missing you——your hand in mine, your eyes in mine, your rhythm in mine. Thoughts of opening our secret fill me with warmth. Can The Angels really make it work? We continue to be amazed by this path. Feelings of deep blessing; feelings of ever deepening love for you, My Friend. All is great here.

  It is colder today. I am missing Adrian. Can The Angels make it work? Shopping——meal preparation——school runs——alternative life; a happy parallel. But for how long?

  Mid-morning, Mouse: XxXxXxXXXxX Hope all is going well? Just been to church——now off to Cordelia’s. Loving you; holding each other. Had a strong picture/thought this morning——beautiful and Heavenly——always on a Sunday. Other things too. Will tell you later. Am feeling light-headed and spacey. Have a good day. Big kiss. X

  Adrian: Thanks. Are you going near The Leafy Glade? Pussycat will be very hungry——rowr. How is The Lady in the Black Coat? I am sitting outside the training room on security, watching trainees leaving and taking note of how long they have been gone. Amazing process. People fully enrolled——big stuff. Forty participants; going well. Wore the new threads yesterday——some comments on dapper-ness——felt fine——comfortable——odd mirror shock. You feel far away. I haven’t had time——

  Mouse: Lovely to hear from you. Course sounds so interesting——looking forward to hearing more. Dog is in great form; asleep by the fire. Winter has returned to The Mountain. Will feed pussycat at 3p.m ish. Hope you can feel me close——don’t want you to feel I’m far away. I love you. So pleased you feel comfortable in dapper new clothes. Nibble, nibble, yum, yum——X

  P.s When are you home? I might be able to dive in with dog. My phone credit is out. This might not send. Can’t renew til tomorrow——need to juggle funds. Hope you are really well. Lots of love. M——X

  I head to the privacy of my bed whenever a free moment appears. I love re-visiting our literary connection; the text-logging means I immerse myself in our beautiful moments time and again. Is it too much? Too good? Like an intoxicating drug, I cannot keep away. The private world I share with my pen is glorious. My Lover never leaves my side. Adrian doesn’t have the intensity of this daily re-run——just as well, I decide. I manage to keep the home fires burning, but to maintain a career at the same time would be difficult. As the whirl of family commitments hurtle along, day in, day out, I access a magical world that offers escape at my fingertips. Will it overtake me entirely? I sense the danger, yet cannot step aside.

  P.m. Adrian: My Lovely Woman——closer you get. We finish here at 11.00p.m. I will come home tomorrow. Going back in, so will text you when I am in bed. Might be late. Lots of love to you.

  * * * * * * *

  Very late, Adrian: My Dear Little Mouse——finally here. I am in bed——Aahhh——a short sleep and then I’ll be winging my way to you again. Can you come see me after my teaching? To drop off The Lady in Black of course—wouldn’t dream of laying you upon my bed and squeezing the living daylights out of you——no fear. X

  Monday 30th October 2006

  A.m. Mouse: My Beautiful Lord Swallow, your Lady is longing to lie upon your bed and have the living daylights squeezed out of her. Will certainly bring Black-Coated Lady to The Leafy Glade at 11.30. Will bring soothing hands to relax my man too——he will be wasted after his mammoth haul. Thank-you so much for the phone top-up——our main line is also down, due to the wild weather, so you are a real lifesaver. Hope you have slept well——X

  Adrian: Sailing home——breathing deep——new edge——integrity——road rules——my given word. You are lovely; warm-hearted, witty, clever, talented. I long to hold you again——body to warm body——heart to beating heart——eye to softened eye. See you soon, My Love——

  Mouse: XXXXX——Can’t wait. Sail carefully home to me, Sir. Your Lady is ready for you——X

  Three strange things happened yesterday——Sunday again——a day for revelations. I experienced a strong feeling; almost a vision of Angelic presence. Adrian and I and The Laird were surrounded by Angels; Hau, Felicia, Cordelia, Simon and others. My vision became blurred. I found myself focusing on the ceiling; wooden beams and claret paint drew me onto another plane where time turned crystal somersaults. The sensation was overwhelming.

  Later on that morning we drove down our graveled driveway, and there, just in front of our postbox, lay the Christian Fish symbol. It was a skid mark in the loose stones and dust. I glanced over my shoulder to check that I had seen straight; it was a definite mark on the road. It had disappeared by the time we returned later in the day. Tarmac roads in New Zealand often peter out unexpectedly in rural regions. Vehicle tyres can be subjected to mile upon mile of rough gravel. I imagine our Mountain retreat was affordable because it lies beyond the tarmac. We have resorted to heavy-duty, commercial tyres to reduce our vehicle maintenance costs. Unlike our establish
ed homeland, new paths and roads are being forged everyday in this country. We handle the skiddy corners with a mixture of daring and caution. Yes, we are Poms and we can tackle anything! Our postbox stands with several others at the drive entrance. Rural properties make door-to-door delivery difficult. Someone told me recently that I wouldn’t claim to be a ‘Pom’ if I knew what it stood for: ‘Prisoner of her Majesty’-—from the days when British convicts were banished to Australia. Did you know that? Well, I certainly didn’t.

  The final, strange event occurred at Bernard and Felicia’s house in the evening. We were celebrating Bernard’s birthday when I experienced a throbbing pain in my left foot. I had to retire to bed with an ice pack when I got home. Now, what on earth was that about? I have never had a throbbing foot before. Cordelia advised me later that painful feet relate to the path we are treading. The pain lessened once I slept and joined my Lover under the stars for our usual, etheric rendezvous.

  There is a hovering sense in my subconscious that something is coming, and coming soon.

  Midday, Mouse: Gorgeous Lover of mine——I can see Big J’s car. I presume she is home. I have driven further up the road, awaiting your instructions. Love. M

  Adrian: Come on round for an official visit to drop off dog.

  My Friend is his usual, lovely self. We have time to catch-up on our days apart. Always slow to regain his footing after a spell away, our passion leaves Adrian rattled and uneasy. There is much to digest with the course he attends and our growing intensity, which threatens to overtake us both. I enjoy hearing about the success of the weekend. Adrian is unsure when I suggest I might dive in later——“I need more time to feel connected,” he explains.

  P.m Mouse: I’ll just drop Lottie back to your house later on. I won’t disturb you, My Love. Get some sleep——M——X

  Adrian: Hello, My Sweet. No problems——just readjustments. Come see me. Again I find myself feeling nervous——the subtle line crossed today. I did need to stop earlier and get clear——didn’t want to though——but will do so now. These boundaries are delicate and easily broken but the results help to slowly sensitize me. Next time I’ll get clear. It’s like eating sugar——doesn’t seem too bad at the time. Somewhere in us there should be a clear signal.

  Mouse: I am crying inside——want to connect on a deep level——need your guidance; desire your unpeeling. My heart coupled with yours. We need to learn each other’s route and therein find the wedge for The Gate. I feel unskilled beside you, my Teacher, My Lover, My Friend, My Soul Mate, My——X——

  I will be down about 6.45p.m. Can’t stay too long as The Laird doesn’t have a meeting tonight. I Love you——X

  Adrian: Do you have any eeeggs? Meet you at School, My Sweet. Down by the garden.

  I meet Adrian by the Class 3 garden where he is watering the now-impressive vegetables. He leads me deep into the gully; the path only wide enough for single file access. Brambles and gorse flank us on either side until at last we are in a private world beside the narrow stream. We hunt for the missing eel, we link hands and look at the different leaves, and we delight in taking turns on the big swing. Eventually he pulls me close. I lay my head against his shoulder; against the home of his chest where I listen to our breathing in silence. We are feeling especially warm as the sun begins its bedtime slide. As gentle lovers we long to follow through to a natural resting place; a whole night together would be perfect now. We are both over-tired; especially Adrian.

  We talk for a long time in the front seats of my van before I drive home. Working with the processing tools from the ‘More to Life’ course we look at our present feelings. “I am really anxious not to use you, My Love,” Adrian states quietly, his thoughts returning to our afternoon’s intimacy. “The need for integrity when we touch each other is really, really important. If I don’t gain that ground I am left rattled for the rest of the day.” We agree to begin every meeting with a processing session, followed by a time of prayer. Waves of peace wash over us as we sit with linked hands. Perfect love moves in circles around our intention. I am humbled by Adrian’s presence. He has the ability; the need, to reach crystal clear pools of emotion.

  I am in trouble when I return home. A frosty Laird greets me as I climb the deck steps. The children have eaten his supper, the kitchen is a shocking mess and they hadn’t explained why I was out——to return Lottie. I admit to spending time with Adrian. My husband doesn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening.

  P.m. Mouse: The very essence of him is like summer rain falling on a parched flowerbed. Her drooping petals are reborn into this wondrous garden where The Gardener rejoices, realizing the possibilities ahead. As the rain penetrates deep inside her she unites with him in indescribable bliss. They are getting closer everyday——X

  Tuesday 31st October 2006

  A.m. Adrian: His early night was not to be. Honouring friendships was the order of the evening. {Big J. had useful reflections about my evangelical return——not about us luckily}. Eating dairy foods late has left him digestive and poisoned——but still well; purposeful and seeking integrity. Important steps. New rigging for The Boat——charts——a compass. Wondering if she had equal night with her husband. Questions? Revelations? The Ocean beckons. He re-runs their seated meeting. So much to learn——

  Mouse: She hoped he’d have an early night but knew he’d need to catch-up with Big J.

  Together they are discovering the truth of Deep Mellow. Together they are sailing into uncharted waters. A compass, a set of strong sails, some exceptional rigging, certainly. They must be gentle on themselves——they face huge swells. She entered choppy waters on her return last night, but she feels steady and strong; the course set.

  Adrian: Sweetness, what is your plan today? I’m going to the talk at School at 1 p.m——Child Behaviour and Boundaries. Want to come? You painting?

  Mouse: My Darling——I am free at 11.30ish. Hopefully out to lunch with The Laird later——If he feels less cross. Shall we meet after Main Lesson? Boundaries, eh?

  Beautiful sunshine, domestic routine, abundant foliage and lovers’ quandary. Where is this journey taking us? I cannot step aside, that’s for sure. My morning passes quickly.

  Later, Mouse: Just leaving. Will be with you as soon as. Don’t need to meet Laird til 1.40. Could even make part of talk maybe. Loving you——M——X

  Adrian: I’m home processing.

  Mouse: Shall I leave you in peace and quiet? Am at the shops——X

  Adrian: No, come. We can do it together, alone——

  I arrive at The Leafy Glade and sit on the bed, unlacing my leather boots. They take a while but I am getting faster with the criss-cross routine. Last week I had them completely re-soled, or should that read re-souled? Ninety dollars was expensive——ouch. The boots are worth it though. They are part of our lovers’ ritual. Adrian watches quietly until I am socked instead of booted and then he gathers me up, kissing me tenderly. I lie peacefully beside him, sinking into his comfort like a weary traveler returning home. There is a familiarity between us; an understanding that this is where we belong. We fit together like a two-piece jigsaw puzzle——warm, snug, soft——perfect edges.

  After a brief chat Adrian challenges me to process my thoughts; an interesting way of unearthing deep-seated feelings; their thought instigation and how true, false or unknown the resulting mind-talk. Working with a notebook and pen he takes me through a series of questions to dig out unvisited issues. We begin by considering ‘life-shocks’. These can be positive or negative and provide the starting point for further investigation. We look at the shock The Laird had given me last night with his cold anger on my tardy return home. Standing beside the kitchen sink we had discussed his feelings rationally. “You are not considering me in any of this,” I was told. I hope my lunchtime invitation helps ease the path. Working through the resulting thoughts shows that I am being untruthful in my love to The Laird; that I am not addressing the issue of a lack of depth between us. In havi
ng this relationship outside my marriage I am living another untruth. In a strange way I feel these lies cancel each other out.

  Adrian and I find the time goes by too quickly; we would like to have made love. There is never enough time; frustrating.

  Midday, Laird: I’d like to lunch very much. Sleepy Park at 1.40?

  Mistress: How lovely. Where is Sleepy Park? ——X

  Laird: Where we went to sleep.

  Mistress: Right you are, My Lovely Laird. I will be there——Lady of the Castle mode, of course——X

  We meet, we find a park bench and we have a boring lunch together. The heaviness of the Laird’s person is more apparent today. Perhaps that’s what happens when you are no longer in love but pretend that you are. Perhaps his uncertainty colours the atmosphere. We don’t linger.

  After lunch, Mouse to Adrian: I love you. I need to lie in your strong arms and cry——need to complete the process. I might be able to dive in now. Thank-you for unwrapping me. I feel tearful and humbled by your care——X

  Adrian: I love you——deeply and completely. Nothing can be hidden between us——please——honesty and integrity as top priorities. That’s why I love you and trust you——X. Come see me.

  We spend five-minutes together before school pick-up. Adrian is sorting out guitar music in The Leafy Glade when I arrive. And then we meet again at a Festival Group session where he gets carried away about a possible new venture, diving off at tangents that render him flaky and unearthed. I haven’t seen him go off in a spin for quite some time. I decide to take the tiller for a while, hoping he will accept my challenge.

  P.m. Mouse: My Darling. Time to Stop——CHECK——could feel you spinning off at a tangent——caravan——new land——music. All great ideas——but——found myself placing my hand on your heart. Wanted to connect with you gently. Would love to make music with you though. Can you phone me? Laird is out until 8.30. I realize that we can’t spend any proper time together before next Tuesday. I am aching for your kiss; your body in mine, our minds and breath as one——X