The Celestial Sea

by Marina de Nadous

  He feels closer to it. His Woman’s words draw him through the veils——his breath clears the fog——the day begins to shine before him. The tasks——the choosing——the children——the people——the meetings. Yes, energy moves——purpose strengthens——waking——clearing. Aha——a persistent patch——unprocessed life-shock. Yes, connection and understanding needed; the edge honed. For through the mist is Love. Maybe the edge is Love——connection. He wants it; it is close——but——

  Mouse: Busy dreams where her Man is present leave her drowsy and full of desire. She is late to greet him this morn. She has been at the beach and at a school function with him in her sleep——close——maintaining their secret. She stole a moment to place her hand inside his jacket——yes, he was wearing it! He caught her getting too close to him on the sand, where naked bodies lay side by side. He checked her quickly; she moved her hand away from his chest but brushed his leg instead.

  She stretches to wake herself——feeling his hands stroke her in long, firm movements. She wants him to feel his solid mastery——to know the knife-edge so well that it comes to him whenever he needs it, especially when their integrity allows them to make love. She has seen it in him often. Now he needs to learn how to tame it; to hold it in his command. She desires the powerful, gentle man in him——The King——his assurance——his dominance——X

  An eight-year-old Danish boy with attention difficulties and a hearing impairment has arrived at School for a term’s visit. “Could you be his Teacher Aid for a couple of hours each morning?” Big J asked me yesterday. “His parents are willing to pay, of course.” Well, I should contribute to the family purse; our financial situation is not healthy, so I agree. “Which class?” I ask as an after thought. “Class 3,” I am told. Of course, it would have to be Class 3 wouldn’t it? Dear Angels, are you so determined to throw Adrian and I together at every opportunity?

  This morning is my first in Lord Swallow’s classroom. We greet each other formally with lingering eye contact. Adrian shares the composite class with another teacher, Sienna. Class 2 and 3 spend much of the school day together. The two teachers compliment each other and I enjoy being part of the skipping, catching and times-table reciting. I particularly enjoy helping the wee fellow with his artwork. I sit beside him with my own small chalkboard and try my hand at something vaguely creative, encouraging him to follow my lead.

  Adrian’s current Main Lesson has an interesting title: ‘FORESTERS’. As the children arrive for their morning verse he notices that he has spelt ‘Foresters’ with two R’s by mistake. He quickly changes his lovely writing while they are otherwise engaged. The large word——a woody, banner-like herald for the new subject——depicts a tree branch with notches and leaves along its length. It is lovely. Of course, the children do notice the alteration. At least they will always remember how not to spell it. I leave them singing their blessing for morning tea; that Kiwi institution that is so much more than our English equivalent of elevenses.

  Lunchtime, Mouse: Darling ‘Forrester’ of mine——surreal to be by your side in the classroom——nice though. Hope your session with Class 6 went well? I can come back down for 2.30ish. I have The Go-Getter at home; he is slightly unwell——needing a home day. I can leave him for a short while, but perhaps you will be out and about at that time? Just let me know. I am at home, cooking and caring by the fire. It’s pretty chilly up here. Loving you——X

  Adrian: Little Mouse, Little Mouse, come to my house. Quick lunch, then back for Class 4 after lunch.

  Mouse: Little Mouse calling Adrian. Did you get my last text? Can’t come down til after 2.pm ——M——X

  Adrian: Must have missed your message. I’m relieving at 2.p.m——Martha away; another teacher ill. Oh well. Relieving tomorrow for Big J. as well. Boo hoo. X

  Mouse: Shame, My Lovely One. Never mind——perhaps I’ll be able to dive in for a quick “hello” when I bring Lottie home later on. She’s playing with Rinky this afternoon. The arrangement is only half organized, so it may not happen. If it does, we might get time for a special kiss before you dash off on your course. Might that work? It would be good to see you——even if only for 5 mins——X

  It is time for the school run. The Go-Getter is asleep. The animals need attention and The Bog-Brush has to be shut on the deck. Luckily she can’t jump over the railings——yet. The van is slow to start; unusual for a diesel automatic. I inch it down the drive in slight anxiety. I forgot to refuel earlier but am hoping it will take me to School. Alas, I am proved wrong. We grind to a halt in a torrential downpour on one of the only straight stretches of our Mountain road. Damn——bother——blast, and lots of other rude words! In distress I phone The Laird. He will not be pleased. He will blame my head being in the clouds, which is probably quite true.

  Early p.m. Mouse: Lovely Friend and reliever to all damsels in distress——your Good Lady’s stead is lame; run out of fodder at the beehives on the hill. Have left messages for Laird to collect Castle Inmates. Need to ask Big J. about Lottie coming to play too. May have to let that one go. Hopefully I haven’t wrecked the only decent horse in the stable. Laird should bring diesel. Just to warn you that he will be at School. Your Lady is getting her daily workout, walking home. Love you——X

  I don’t hear from the Adrian. Didn’t he receive my message? I am surprised he isn’t concerned and offering assistance. That’s unlike him. Oh well. I know The Laird will be there for me. He always is. I should be more grateful——and content with my loyal husband.

  P.m. Mouse: Dear Friend, do you have a minute to chat on the phone before your course? Laird is out until 9.30ish Hope you are okay? Just forwarded an interesting e-mail from our lovely Cordelia. Your Little Mouse with sore paws——X

  Adrian: I’ll just get my tea——phone in ten.

  E-mail from Cornelia:

  Dear Friend,

  Since there is no time to talk, and I do feel there is a need, I want to do this by email, however much I would prefer to speak eye to eye. I will pick up from where you said you wanted to talk properly to me. Why would you have been thinking of me when you and Adrian have these strong feelings for each other and it is really something about you two specifically? I presume that you, with your giving and concerning nature, might have been wondering if I was interested in Adrian myself? I do love Adrian a lot, but I don’t think of him in a two-fold, man/woman way.

  Looking back, the small hide and seeks you had with me are explained. I felt them and knew it was because you naturally have something together in the way you are, and that you might feel bad if I was left out. But the truth of the matter is that you did not leave me out on the level of the heart where there are no polarities, so there is no reason for that.

  I made a big mistake, (which is a pattern in me), regarding Adrian’s preferences early on. When we talked about having some people help with the home-schooling group, and Adrian expressed his ideas, I had an immediate thought that though he originally wanted me in the group, he did not later on. I assumed he thought I was somebody else and then got disappointed. As for now, I have let go of being outward oriented and ‘dancing’ in order to learn something else. I withdrew and thus caused the judgment. I have let it go. And with his expertise in the ‘More to Life’ course, Adrian has dealt with it I am sure. Please do show this letter to him as well.

  I cannot think of more. Need to eat. Bye for now, lots of love from

  Cordelia.

  Adrian and I chat briefly on the phone, but he is in a rush and I have my usual escort of demanding children. We will have to discuss dear Cordelia’s letter another time. Unfortunately the car has to be towed away for pumping and refueling. How infuriating. I am grateful The Laird isn’t too annoyed. It has certainly been a different sort of day. The positive events of the morning included making a fish chowder for supper and spending quality time at the park with my young Go-Getter, both of us swinging as high as we could. One to one ‘Mummy Time’ is always highly prized. We te
nd not to organize it specifically as the moments seem to appear when needed.

  Late P.m. Mouse: Wild weather, untamable in the face of exposure. Work and duties——all pile up, yet she isn’t too bothered. Why try to tame them? Like the wind, they will come to bay at their appointed hour. She wonders how he is. Her fine, sensitive Lord. She cannot feel him close——she wonders why? What is he feeling? What is coming to them in this time of waiting? May Angels fill our heart and soul as we sleep. May the sun shine upon us tomorrow.

  Adrian: I am walking——doggie scampering ahead——chill air, grey, suburban light. Just came out of meeting with two men from the course. Long, close evening with deep trust and sharing. Wondering why I’m distant to you? Driving——finish this soon.

  Friday 10th November 2006

  A.m. Mouse: I can feel you closer again now. Am awake in the early hours——too hot in bed. Something to do with The Small One; we haven’t included him recently. I shall rock him while I watch you sleep, My Darling.

  Adrian: What are the Angels intending? Are we being punished, as my mind would like to tell me? Or is this new learning——a different experience to unravel? A breath——recalling dignity——something still leads to cringing fear around The Laird. This is the distance and separation she feels; his marred integrity. Needs work——like a windscreen wiper over the rain-spattered glass. Back to clear vision and safety. “I’m off”, he cries——“bring me my notebook.”

  Mouse: My Darling——thank-you for your lovely texts——right again. Have just spent the last two hours baking a large apple cake for the party and writing an e-mail to Cordelia. I have sent you a copy. It is important to read both her letter and my reply. I am feeling very close to you now——a wonderful, warm, soft heart, which I send to you down the hill with special love. See you in Class. I will try not to look longingly at my beautiful Forrester——X

  E-mail reply to Cordelia

  Dearest, Special, Friend,

  Thank-you so much for your heart-felt message. I am sorry there has not been any clear time to have our chat, eye-to-eye——always difficult with children and time pressures. I wanted to have a proper chat because I feel it is important you understand our unusual situation. When you spoke to me outside Big J’s house I was uncertain what Adrian had told you——he hadn’t divulged the content of your conversation before he left for the weekend. All I knew was that he had spoken to you——so——I was unsure where to tread. I’m sorry if I came over as off-hand, or unclear. Since then life has been a whirlwind, so thank-you for taking the time to write. Perhaps it is better this way——then we can say what we mean and think carefully before choosing the words.

  The most important thing for you to realize is that at the beginning of our Workshop adventure there was never a question of anything between Adrian & me. I would not want you to think you were in any way an excuse or a foil for our friendship to flourish. If anything, it was more you & I, with Adrian’s input when he felt inclined. Sometimes we were not sure if he was happy with our ideas and that he might stop being involved. If there was ever a man/woman thing, I certainly felt you were the free, beautiful damsel, not me! I won’t deny there was a natural chemistry between Adrian and me, but I can assure you I didn’t think it was exclusive. I presumed Adrian had this natural spark with lots of ladies and there wasn’t anything special about me.

  Just before you left for your big trip we had such a close, spiritual connection between us; all three——again, it was never a ‘you and us thing’. Who knows the underlying reasons why I felt a need to bring us all together? For my part, here were two beautiful people with whom I had an immediate connection, so why not start an enterprise? And what a wonderful time we have had. Lots of learning; lots of new connections and most importantly, how special to have been able to share some of our privileged, educational background with others.

  While you were away things took on a new light, with Adrian & I working closely together on The Workshops. We acknowledged our strong connection, but in a slow, considered way with great integrity——and certainly without desire to break existing relationships. We are still at this point; our friendship deepens but not on a desperate physical level. Rather, our relationship is one of learning & deepening our understanding about ourselves——very blessed & beautiful. My dear husband has generously allowed us to have this friendship; we would never be happy going behind his back, although it isn’t easy for him. We have certain boundaries, which we try to maintain and pray that The Angels will guard and guide us all. We have a strong feeling that there is something behind our connection, but are waiting to be enlightened. We need you to know that we would not use you as an excuse to meet——things are out in the open and we only feel happy if there is clarity and integrity.

  As our friendship becomes stronger we feel that you might be our Guardian Angel. We need you to know how much we love you and that there has never been a case of “You & Us”——rather a beautiful dance of learning & love between us all. We are sorry if this unusual situation has given you heartache. We wanted to tell you when you first came back but decided to wait & see if there was, in fact, anything more than friendship to tell about. If there was, then we felt you would probably know about it before us!

  This comes to you with special love, your Friend X

  I send the e-mail and sit quietly for a while. Have I been honest? Yes, I have given the underlying essence, although I have not spoken of our growing intimacy on every level. I feel it is kinder; less shocking to our immediate community, if I soften the focus and leave some issues unanswered. I like ambiguity; the open-ended scenario. I notice that Adrian likes it too. What rights have we to certainty over anything anyway?

  Adrian: I have just had a useful process with myself. I have been reacting to a fear of being exposed by Big J. and The Laird with their judgments——what others think of me. Terrifying but not true, woven in with money and pressures I have on myself. Telling myself I am not contributing enough to the household and that I am wasting time and should be earning more——misleading people——a mismatch of mind-talk. I’m feeling clear now——probably more to be done——but easier, deeper. Want to be with you and talk. Maybe tonight——focus.

  Mouse: Sounds just what is needed. Let’s have a reflective time with each other tonight. Short stay at the party——perhaps no alcohol——keep our minds and integrity clear. Loving you——M——X

  Another morning begins beside Adrian in his classroom. There is something noble in his presence; I wish I could describe it better. He lends dignity to the morning circle and I love watching him. The two teachers shake everyone’s hand when they enter the room, including me. Eye to eye contact is expected with a genuine ‘good morning’. Lord Swallow takes his Lady’s hand with a gracious, semi bow——a gentle twinkle in his eye.

  And then we sit in a circle upon the hand-made, wooden chairs. A seasonal display is placed in the centre, decorated each week by a different child. A muslin cloth covers the table and I notice a pretty bunch of spring flowers in the middle of the arrangement. One child lights the candle and the session begins with a group ‘good morning’. The musical register is something different. Adrian sings a different tune to every child——“good morning Simon”, to which Simon replies in the same tune——“good morning Adrian”. I am included in this individual singing lesson. Luckily I am not shy. My semi-deaf, Danish charge is able to manage this task——quite a feat I would say.

  I drive back up the hill after Main Lesson, collecting The Lady in Black ‘en route’. The cast of the Staff Nativity Play gathers for a short run-through once School ends. The children play outside while we study the song sheets and loosen our vocal chords. How I love to sing beside Adrian. To play Mary to his Joseph is——well; it is wonderful. Our lovely Cordelia is also singing. She is a talented musician and——yes; you guessed right——she stands over us as The Angel Gabriel of course. We continue to be amazed at the way our story is unfolding; a live drama in each
moment; surreal and extraordinary. Lord Swallow and his Lady sing well together, it is noticed.

  The Laird departs for his kayaking trip later in the afternoon and the family prepares to join Karen’s bonfire party. The Smiling Minstrel will be performing for a short while. He and his Lady plan spending a whole night together afterwards. They can’t wait.

  Early P.m. Mouse: My Darling Joseph—I felt so happy, singing beside you earlier. I am on my way up the hill after Touch Rugby. Sorry I couldn’t stay at the practice longer. I have your lovely doggie at home. Do you want me to pick you up for the party or shall we go separately? Shall I leave dog at home? Lots of love——your Mary——X

  Adrian: Dear Mary, probably bring her. I know she will be happier sitting in my car during the festivities. I will come up after the party and stay the night, if I may. Early start to yoga and then on to Auckland in the morning. Loving you——

  “Come on children, are you ready? Remember a warm jumper please. It’s still chilly at night.” We are looking forward to the party, which includes live music and a firework display. “All aboard? The Bog-Brush can’t come.” Cedric is away, staying with a College friend. We are bumping down the pot-holed drive when my phone screen lights up.

  Adrian: Where are you?

  Mouse: Just leaving The Mountain. Meet you there? X

  Adrian: Ya ya gut. See you there, oh thou Dearest——

  The party is excellent fun. The Laird would have enjoyed it so much. Karen has two children at our school; one in the Go-Getter’s class, the other in the Minx’s. They are a lively bunch and I have enjoyed her friendship this year. She is shy, so our connection has taken a while to gel. Apart from being an all-round, Kiwi sports-woman and out-doors adventurer, Karen drums with an African band. We are entertained for a good hour by the thumping rhythm of the drums. The band is impressive and many of the guests dance to the strong beat. I watch the children from School make use of the planks and workmen’s sawhorses arranged in the garden as extra seating. Our inventive pupils are used to playful ingenuity with minimum materials——of course they are delighted with the unintentional props.